NOVEL WEB Pull 39
The Bowler Hat Rascal *Yawned*. He leaned against the building door. A young woman wearing a loose jacket ran towards him. Her wavy hair was pulled up under a cloche.
“You’re late.” he grumbled at her.
Tasha tilted her cloche and raised an eyebrow. “Can’t be late to a meeting that isn’t happening.” she smarmed back at him.
“Fair enough.” he shrugged. *Sniff*Sniff* “Why do you smell like wet dog?”
The muzzle of a small white dog poked up and out of Tasha’s jacket. Eins was jammed into the top of her overalls. The dog’s paws held onto the top of her denim suspenders.
“Bark!”
The Bowler Hat Rascal *Sniffed* again. “What’s that?”
“He’s with me.” Tasha added.
“I can see that. But why is he with you?” he asked.
“He’s my, uh, mascot?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“I’m allowed to have a dog. It’s not against the rules.”
“Fair enough. But! He needs a hat.”
Tasha blinked in surprise. “What?”
“Everyone wears a hat. Those are the rules.”
“Even for a dog?”
“Everyone.” The Bowler Hat Rascal crossed his beefy arms.
“Fine.”
Tasha patted down her pockets. She turned and started pulling things out of her cosmetics case. The stern door guard waited impassively next to his post. After several seconds Tasha whirled around. A wide ribbon had been tied around Ein’s chin and up over the ears into a massive bow almost as big as the dog’s head.
Tasha presented the bow. “Fair enough?”
The Bowler Hat Rascal stood up straight. He put his palm against the iron bracketed door behind him and pushed it open.
“You’re still late.”
Tasha hustled past him.
#
The tunnel behind the door branched off into a labyrinthian network of passages. Ancient yellowed arc-lamps were placed at many of the intersections. Several of the lamps had crusted over chem-batteries jammed into their sockets. Most of the lamps flickered as beads of moisture dripped down their glass cases. At irregular intervals entire sections of the tunnel were sucked into darkness.
“Is this a Donjon?” asked Eins.
“I don’t think so.” replied Tasha. “I think these are service tunnels under the city.”
“Where did they come from?”
“The Gambling Hall on the top of the hill uses them to transport goods around without using the streets. There are layers of sewers, tunnels, and even elevators everywhere under the hill.”
“Impressive. I didn’t know that humans were building things like this. You humans are doing great. Keep it up.” Eins patted Tasha’s shoulder.
“That’s uh… thank you, I guess.”
Tasha leaned against a wall in the flickering light. She examined a piece of graffiti scratched into one of the bricks.
“This way.” she said to herself.
“Where are we going?” asked Eins.
“To a meeting. And remember what I said. No talking. Not while we’re down here, and definitely not afterwards about anything that you happen to hear or see.”
“I understand. No talking. My lips are sealed.” Eins nodded.
Tasha turned the corner. At the end of the tunnel was another large door. A young man in a newsboy hat was nervously bouncing on his toes in front of the door.
#
“Oh hey. You, uh, you here for the meeting?” The Newsboy Thief asked as he saw Tasha come down the tunnel.
“That’s right.” she said.
“Cool. Cool, cool, cooooo.” The boy rocked on his heels.
The Newsboy Thief adjusted his newsboy hat. He waited next to the door. He was young. Barely in his mid teens. He still had a round face and soft curly hair. Testosterone had only recently started to stretch out his body turning him into a creature made of all elbows and knees.
“I’m really excited. I’ve never been called in for anything this big before.” he said.
“Is that right? Let me give you some advice then, keep your head down. Don’t talk unless someone asks you a question. You get a cut just for showing up.”
“Oh boy. My sponsor will be so glad to hear that.”
Tasha pointed at the door. “Are you going in?”
“Uh yeah, after you?” he stepped aside.
Tasha opened the door at the end of the tunnel. It led into an underground bunker that had been built large enough to contain a competition size swimming pool, mostly because it did contain a competition sized swimming pool. Catwalks crossed the ceiling. Metal freight elevators were arranged around the sides. Dozens of people were already milling around the floor. There was a ping pong table in one corner.
Tasha slipped into the crowd. Her boots *Tapped* on the tiled floor. The Newsboy Thief followed in on her heels.
“I see you have a mascot. That’s so cool. Are you, like, really important? Are you the Dog Thief or something like that? Is the dog like your calling card?”
“What? No. I’m a lockpick. That’s it. I’m only here for the meeting.”
“How big do you think that swimming pool is? Do you think that’s part of it? Is this an audition? Are we going to have to swim as part of the plan? Should I take off my shoes?” The Newsboy Thief pulled up one of his legs.
Tasha grabbed him by the hand. “No! No, no. Moons no. Look at all these people. This floor is filthy. You do not want to be walking on it in your bare feet. Just calm down. Let’s wait for the meeting to start.”
“I’m Nick by the way.”
“Tasha. Nice to meet you. And this is Eins. My… crap, I guess he’s my mascot.”
“Nice to meet you Eins.” Nick patted Eins on the head.
“Bark”
#
“Everyone. Thank you all for coming.”
Three people ascended the stairs to the diving boards at the edge of the pool. They had to stand elbow to elbow to cram onto the platform.
The Peach Basket Bandit had on a blouse with voluminous ruffles at the neck and wrists. She wore a modest floor length skirt and conservative leather boots. She held a folded parasol demurely in front of her as she stood on the platform. Her Peach Basket was pulled down close and hid her eyes from view.
The Panama Pilferer was shorter. He wore a loose cotton shirt and a bright yellow jacket. He had applied shadow, rouge, and lipstick so that his features were recognizable at a distance in the large underground chamber.
The Phrygian Defalcator was taller than the other two. His Phrygian hat was tilted rakishly to the side exposing his dark hair. He wore a pair of hip hugging denim pants. His belt was made out of a short length of golden chain with a generous belt buckle. Each length of the chain was almost as wide as his hand. His silk shirt was cut low and his sleeveless overcoat was left unbuttoned to reveal his smooth chest and toned arms.
The Phrygian Defalcator widened his stance and addressed the room. “We are glad that you all could make it. I assure you that this will be worth your time. We Haberdashers are the only truly honest-”
“Hey! Stop playing ping pong and pay attention!” The Peach Basket Bandit shouted across the room.
*Dissatisfied Grumbles*
The Phrygian Defalcator continued. *Ahem* “We are the only truly honest profession. In a world where the weak and undeserving plead to the gods for wealth, only we who are skilled in our craft are-”
*Ping*Plunk*Splash*
Everyone turned.
“Ah! Ah. Sorry! Hold on!” Nick splashed around in the opposite end of the pool.
Nick tried to pull himself out of the pool. His hands slipped on the edge and he tumbled back in.
“Ah! Why is it so greasy?”
Tasha shook her head.
Tasha grabbed one of Nick’s hands. Eins hopped out of her overalls and bit down on Nick’s other sleeve. The two of them dragged the soggy boy out of the pool. Nick stood up and did his best to shake water out his clothes.
“Thanks for that.” he said to Tasha.
“Don’t mention it. You needed a hand.” Tasha picked up Eins. “Oh Eins. Look at you. Your paws are filthy now.”
Tasha took out a cloth and started wiping the dog’s paws clean.
#
*Ahem-hem* “We are honest and skilled and we are…” The Phrygian Defalcator waved his hand dismissively. “The best of the best. Justice and Nescience.” The man tipped his hat to his audience.
“Justice and Nescience.” The people in the chamber repeated in unison. They tipped their hats to him.
Tasha and Nick tipped their hats. Water *Trickled* off of Nick’s newsboy hat.
The Phrygian Defalcator stepped back. The Panama Pilferer stepped forward. He wobbled momentarily on the diving board at the edge of the platform.
*Ahem-hem-hem* The Panama Pilferer cleared his throat. “We’ve called you all here for one of the greatest heists in the last century. This is the greatest collection of thieves in the known world. If we pull this off, no, when we pull this off everyone of you will be set for life.”
*Excited Applause*
The Panama Pilferer smiled. “Now then, can anyone tell me what we are standing under.”
“A roof?” Someone shouted.
“A ceiling!” Another person called out.
“The ground.”
“The sky!”
“A hemispherical domed chamber?”
“Another pool!?”
*Silence*
“The Gambling Hall.” he said.
*More Silence*
“The largest Gambling Hall in the four kingdoms?”
*The sound of water lapping in the pool*
“Which just so happens to have a massive vault filled with treasure.”
“Oooh.” The crowd said.
“Right above us.” The Panama Pilferer nodded to everyone.
“Ahhh.” The crowd nodded along.
“Listen to me. I’ve been working on this plan for years. Once it’s complete, it will be the greatest heist the world has ever known. We’ll be famous, err, infamous. Either way we’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams!”
“Hurray!” The crowd cheered.
The Panama Pilferer took some papers out of his pants pocket. “Okay, now we have some surveys for you all to fill out. Make sure that you fill these out correctly. List all of your references and make sure you’re filling out the front and back of each sheet. This will also serve as proof of attendance.”
Someone raised a hand. “Do we need a cover page?”
The Phrygian Defalcator stepped up. “You do not need a cover page unless you’re filling out a reimbursement request. If you have any other questions please ask your sponsor.”
#
Tasha *Sighed*. “This is what I always disliked about the Thieves Guild. There’s so much paperwork.”
Nick shuffled some papers in his wet hands. “I don’t know. I kind of like it. It keeps everything nice and organized. As they say: Crime without organization is anarchy.”
*Groan* “You sound like my former husband.”
“Oh look. There’s my sponsor. Hey! Over here!” shouted Nick.
“Oh witchtits! That’s your sponsor!?” Tasha turned around. She pulled her collar up and her cloche down.
The Phrygian Defalcator walked confidently through the crowd.
“Hello there Nick. How are you enjoying your first Haberdasher meeting?”
“It’s great master Reference. I can’t wait to get started on our big job.” Nick bounced.
“That’s wonderful Nick. Remember to include me on your sponsor sheet.” said the older man.
“I will sir.” said Nick.
“And who is this?”
“Sorry. This is the person who pulled me from the pool. This is my sponsor, Mr Jonathan Reference.” said Nick.
Jonathan cocked his hips to the side and held up a hand in front of his chest. “Pause, pause, pause. You can refer to me simply as Reference.” He gave a brash smile.
Tasha didn’t turn around.
“Come on. Why don’t you turn around and show me your face? I’m very good at recognizing people’s faces.” said Jonathan.
“Uh, excuse me, I have… a cold.” said a dog-like voice from Tasha’s midsection.
“Oh? I’m sorry to hear that. Listen if you don’t feel well then you shouldn’t have come to the meeting. Executing a proper confidence scheme requires a lot of stamina and concentration. You can’t do your best work if you don’t feel well. You should take some time off until you feel better.”
“Thanks. You’re right. Well, we should go.” Tasha began sliding away without turning around.
“It was good meeting you. See you later Tasha.” said Nick.
“Tasha?” The Phrygian Defalcator did a double take.
Tasha sprinted towards the exit.