Gacha Gacha Hero

“Which of these has the layout for the main event hall?”

Vance leaned over a desk and shuffled a pile of papers around.

The Dilettante Sewermaster looked back from where he was working. “Check the desk drawers. They should be sorted alphabetically.”

Vance fumbled with the drawers. “So what folder am I looking for? ‘E’ for event stage or ‘M’ for main hall?”

“You should look in the ‘A’ folder.”

“Is it A for auditorium?”

“No. It’s listed as the Convention Hall, but it’s the largest hall in the building so it’s first alphabetically.”

“Found it.” Vance pulled out a large roll of technical drawings depicting a huge auditorium.

~If you didn’t know that Vance and the Sewermaster were standing in a pump house you might assume that they were inside of a cathedral. A cathedral made of pipes! But you, dear readers, do know better. Because you are kind and intelligent people that are about to make good use of your imagination~

The interior of the space was wide and vacant with a smoothly polished marble floor. All along the walls copper tubes as thick as a man’s arm were gathered into clusters that stretched from the floor to the ceiling like doric columns. At the ceiling these pipes angled sharply creating a steepled roof of copper cylinders before they plunged back up into the walls above.

Hundreds of pressure meters were ensconced into the walls of the pump room. Their dials flickered like votive candles as they broadcast the condition of the multitude of pipes that ran through the room.

The Sewermaster tapped a crescent wrench against a huge copper pipe mounted to the wall of the pump house.

*Clang*Clang*

Water rumbled on the other side.

*Gurgle*Gurgle*

He nodded with approval at the sound and put his crescent wrench away in a wide denim apron that was tied around his waist.

The Sewermaster walked over to the drafting desk where Vance was seated. “Why do you keep looking through my pipework schematics?”

“I’m an incredible fan of grooved joints. That’s all. What’s wrong with someone appreciating quality joinery.” said Vance.

“I think that you’re looking for more ways to sneak into the Ocean’s Bounty.”

“Why would I have to sneak in? People love me.”

“Hah!”

The Sewermaster took up position on the opposite side of the desk. He picked a bar of soap up off the desk and removed a handful of metal files from his apron. He selected one of the files and began whittling the edges of the soap into shape.

“For someone unemployed you are unusually busy. I see more of you than my own grandchildren. Maybe you shouldn’t spend so much time in the sewers Vance.” The Sewermaster raised an eyebrow. “It’s not healthy.”

Vance folded the papers down so he could look across the desk. “Don't you know what a grudge is?“

“Of course I do. You could pack an elephant’s trunk with all the resentment that I carry. I’ve named every toilet in the building after someone who has wronged me. And an equal number for people who have merely inconvenienced me.”

The Sewermaster finished carving the trunk of a soap elephant and then placed it on a stack of other soap sculptures that were lined up on the edge of the desk.

Vance ruffled the papers. “That's part of why I love you Gaded. You really understand the dedication that it takes to despise someone over a long period of time. A grudge takes commitment. You have to keep working at it. Why should I be the one to go around handing out forgiveness like a street bee hands out candy?”

Vance compared two sets of schematics, then smiled to himself. “Oh yes. This will work very well. Hehehe.”

The Sewermaster arranged two soap turtles so they were stacked on top of each other. “Oh great, now you’re talking to yourself and giggling. That’s always a good sign.”

Vance slammed his hands down on the desk. The Sewermaster jumped up to grab the soap sculptures and prevent them from shaking off the desk.

“Health, happiness, even sanity, all of these things are acceptable sacrifices in the name of revenge.” Vance’s eyes were a little too wide. A little too focused. Despite the fact that he wasn’t really looking at any thing. (sic)

Gaded the Sewermaster didn’t blink and rearranged his soap sculptures. “It’s a shame that such an intelligent and likable young man like yourself is so adversarial. I’m sure that if you made polite with Lady House you could have found a position in the Ocean’s Bounty. Maybe you could still get a job with Bede and Privati. That doesn’t sound too bad does it? The three of you used to be such good friends.”

“I’m not for sale.” Vance’s lip twitched.

“Everyone is for sale. It just takes some people longer to settle on a price.”

“And what about you? Don’t you feel the slightest bit of indignation that you’ve been stuffed into the Ocean’s Bounty’s basement? You used to be one of the most infamous thieves in the entire Kingdom.” Vance waved his arm.

The Sewermaster dragged a file over the edge of a piece of soap. Rough grooves were gouged out of the side of the surfactant. *Rasp*Rasp*

“Don’t get me wrong, I still hate Lady House. I had the most elaborate counterfeiting operation in the history of the Kingdom. Maybe in the history of the world. Then along came little Winsome House. A penderless noble. A failed alchemist. A disgraced haberdasher. She didn’t even wear a hat. And yet she infiltrated my organization, learned my smuggling routes, and sold me out to the Capital Guard.”

*Rasp*Rasp*

Vance shook his head. “How dare she. All you were doing was committing massive fraud by duplicating people’s summons and then selling them at the underground market.”

Gaded waved a file across the table. “Exactly, it was a victimless crime.”

Vance spread his arms. “And here you are cleaning her sewer pipes. Doesn’t that piss you off?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Then why work with her?”

*Rasp*Rasp*

*Rasp*Rasp*

“Do you know what anger and fine wine have in common Vance?”

“No.”

“They mellow with age.”

*Rasp*Rasp*

Gaded placed a soap block shaped like a coiled serpent down on top of a soap hippo. “I find that money is a soothing balm for many of life’s woes. I take home a huge pay-writ every week. I even have a dispensation for barber services.”

Vance folded the papers in front of him and put them back in the desk. “She stole your carriage and then paid you for the opportunity to sit on the luggage rack, what a sorry state of affairs.”

“Fine, let me put it a different way, she pays me not to care. Also, the title of Sewermaster gives me a fair amount of clout. Especially in a large city like Kaseihgaeu that has a complex sewer system. The only thing I really hate about the situation is how much I enjoy it.”

Vance closed the desk drawer. He glanced at Gaded

Gaded looked up. His eyes traced along the hundreds of pipes intersecting the room. “It turns out that water utilities were my calling all along.” Gaded paused his whittling. “It’s a profession that combines logistics, planning, and metallurgy. The systems involved are more complex than anything that I ever dealt with as a smuggler. And the challenge of maintaining pressure across so many networks gives me genuine satisfaction in my work.” Gaded looked down.

*Rasp*Rasp*

“And without Lady House stealing my criminal empire I never would have been placed with such an opportunity. I love my job but I hate the path that I took to get here.”

Vance folded his hands in his lap.

Gaded continued to whittle a lump of soap.

*Rasp*Rasp*

*Rasp*Rasp*

Vance stood up. *Clears Throat* “Well, I need to get going. Like you said I am very busy.”

Gaded smiled. “Of course. Don’t let me keep you too long. You’re free to drop by any time.”

“You don’t mind me storing some rolls of fabric down here do you?”

“Not at all. As long as you don’t mind me denying to everyone else in the Ocean’s Bounty that you were ever down here.”

“How could I be upset by events that never happened?”

“Ha ha ha.”

“Hehehe.”

Vance and Gaded laughed together. Their laughter echoed off of the cathedral of pipes around them, slowly fading as warm copper tubes plunged into cold stone.

*Gurgle*Gurgle*