Fork This Life!

Chapter 6: Not so epic training montage of motionless fork

It’s very confusing to use at first. I can’t figure out how to choose my target of communication, for one. After several attempts of mentally shouting, “telepathy, I want to talk to the squirrel!”, I find that simply focusing on their low-res representation on my vision ‘connects’ me to them mentally.

And then things are very confusing for the both of us. I feel the animal’s curiosity and hunger for a moment before my emotions bleed uncontrollably across the connection, and the feelings I receive turn to confusion and fear. The connection ends a few moments later as it speeds away, leaving me with a half-consumed psi pool.

But I keep trying with any animal I can see that’s within 15 metres of me, getting used to the ability over time. Of course, there are times when my psi run out, many of them. Going at the rate of 1.2 a min, it takes 1 hour 44 minutes to fully renew itself. Hey, wait, can’t I use that as a way of keeping time? Thank God, I can finally track time. Even if it’s a really annoying method that isn’t exact because of gaps in timekeeping when using telepathy.

I keep training my telepathy for a few days or so. Checking the skill later, it has only gained a few percent of proficiency. However long this takes, I will talk to someone again! I’m very glad nobody heard that. On another note, we have moved out of the forest. It’s strange to realise that the only landscapes I’ve seen in this world are that of trees and a cave.

Some nice open plains, so I see. Or rather, nice for anyone but me. There’s long grass everywhere. Did I mention my vision is a bit blurry? If I don’t focus on the grass, it looks like my group is buried to their waist, wading through the ground. Very disconcerting. Quite an amusing image, actually. I think I’ll try and remember that, have a good laugh at it later. When I’m not in a perpetual state of semi-depression, that is.

Depression aside, there’s a mouse scuttling past the person whose bag I’m in. A perfect practice target for telepathy. Hello, mouse, you are suddenly feeling happy. No, this is not suspicious at all. Continue staying in place, the very large scary people are not dangerous at all. Indeed, happy fun times. Moving away? Sad depressing times. Yes, you move back this way. Good mouse. Aaaaand it’s gone. Out of psi.

Hey, the ground is undulating weirdly. Never mind, that’s the grass blowing in the wind. So, what do I do in the hour twenty minutes I’m waiting for my psi to regenerate? Why, I’m so glad you asked! Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer…

A couple of weeks later I have a good thirty-two percent proficiency. Why am I talking to myself? Because I’m terribly bored, of course. An hour twenty of inactivity then about a minute of activity, rinse and repeat. That means I spend most of my time doing nothing. I got to eat some more of the id ooze, which boosted the proficiency a bit, which is nice. I’m only grinding this proficiency because I have to, after all.

If I were human, or even an animal, I wouldn’t be spending so much time on it. Hopefully I’ll be able to evolve the skill in about a month or two. The fields of grass are in the past now, thankfully - they made me dizzy. Not literally because I can’t get dizzy, but well, you know.

A month later and we have reached civilisation. Hooray. I’ve gotten a bigger range of food to eat since we got here, and that’s good, but still nothing gained but exp. I levelled up again, actually. Just dumped the points evenly into wisdom and intelligence – they’re the only ones I really use.

Status

Name: None

Race: Living Fork

Level: 6

Experience: 298.88/700

Gender: None

Age: 10 months (local time)

Allegiance: None

Fame: None

Strength: 1.0 (10.0)

Intelligence: 14.0

Dexterity: 1.0

Wisdom: 13.0

Charisma: 3.0

Luck: 10.1

Hardness: 18.8

Durability: 10.4/10.4

Mana: 280/280

Mana regen: 2.60/min

Psi: 130/130

Psi regen: 1.4/min

Unspent stat points: 0

Titles

Traits

Skills

What can I say, I’m the smartest fork in existence. Unless there is a fork somewhere possessed by a genius. But barring that, smartest fork.

I think they had a bit of a fight over who would get me. Hey, now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve been washed in a very long time. Have they been… eating from a fork that has been held by cave-dwelling midgets, stabbed into people, sat on the ground for who knows how long and was found in some old ruin? Ugh… Wait, I’ve been using absorb, so aren’t I perfectly clean? But they don’t know that. Ugh… *hurls*. Just kidding. I can’t hurl. Not that I miss that part of being human.

…Seriously, a monologue after ’99 bottles of beer’, and still an hour twenty hasn’t passed? I suppose it could be worse. What if there were no animals in the city. What could I do then? Hey, what if I was dropped down a toilet? Not going there, not thinking about it.

Hang a mo. Are we heading towards the food stalls? I think we are. Looks like he’s hungry. I’m not, but I’ll eat anyway if he is. Assuming the person I’m with is a he. Ya never know. Especially when you can’t tell one person from another.

Wonder what this stuff is.

Flesh of lvl 18 Mind flayer absorbed

Experience gained: 31.48

Durability recovered: 2.31 (Exceeds maximum durability, reducing to 0.0)

Skill proficiency increased: Absorb 0.01%, Telepathy 40.01%

Skills gained: none

Traits gained: none

Window will close in 18s

Well that moves up my schedule. A lot. I really need to start thinking about what to say. I know I’ve had a month to think already, but what can I say? Procrastination is my finest asset.

Now, let’s take a look at how we’re doing with our proficiency… Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Telepathy (Basic) (Mid Rare, Active) 97.89% - Allows one to communicate with other beings in exchange for 1 Psi/sec*distance between user and target in meters, to a maximum range of (Wisdom*Intelligence)/10m. Currently only able to communicate emotions.

The windows changed colour, you say? Well, I remembered I could change it. And you may have noticed that I somewhat dislike my current state of monochrome vision. And so, I thought to myself, ‘if I can’t see colour in the world, why not just for the windows?’. And there you have it. Why blue? Yeah, I dunno either. Seemed fitting. Wait, why? In games, aren’t status windows usually some sort of brown, grey, black or transparent? Why is blue fitting?

…Well, whatever. Those are dull. Blue it is. Reminds me of the ocean. Good ol’ ocean. Nearly killed me a few times, but hey, that’s in his job description. So, let’s see what should I say? Should I tell them I’m their fork and that I can get more powerful depending on what they feed me? No, no, definitely not. Shouldn’t even tell them that I’m a fork. Hey, who’d believe that anyway.

‘Hey, you. Yes, this isn’t you talking to yourself. I’m your fork. Feed me.’

See? He’d think he’s goin’ bonkers. Or there’s a demon or evil spirit or something talking to him. Hmmm……………………………………………… Maybe I can pretend to be a ghost that’s haunting him? But what if he just goes to a priest to get ‘me’ exorcised? Wait, an amnesiac ghost. A friendly amnesiac ghost. That might work. Might fail terribly as well, but better than the straight ‘I’m a fork’ attempt.

But what if he still tries to exorcise me? That won’t really work, will it? What if I pretend to be something else? Does he have a little squirrel statue? No. Wait, I got an idea. Similar to amnesiac ghost, but not. It’s… I don’t know how to describe it, dang. I suppose you’ll have to wait and see.

Wait, who is this ‘you’ I’m referring to? I hope I’m not going insane again. Well, time for some telepathy training.

And there’s a rat, right behind the food stalls. Yep. Note to self: never eat from food stalls. Well, just a couple percentage left. That should take a few days at most. Now, come over here, rat. There’s something scary in the opposite direction! Run towards me… Ah. It got stomped on. Another rat, then.

Telepathy (Advanced) (High Rare, Active) 0.00% - Allows one to communicate with other beings in exchange for 0.5 Psi/sec*distance between user and target in meters, to a maximum range of (Wisdom*Intelligence)/5m. Allows the user to share emotions and thoughts with the recipient.

I can talk! Ish. It’s a hell of a lot better than before, at least. Now, to talk – with small animals, of course. Gotta test first.

‘Oy you, rat! Um… muffins!’

I really didn’t think that through. It completely ignored me. Well, it can’t understand speech after all. I suppose I’ll have to find a good time to talk with this person. At night should be best, yeah? I’m getting a bit nervous about this.

That night...

Should I? When should I? Is now a good time? It’s probably a good time, right? What if there’ll be a better time? Now that it’s come to it, can I muster up the courage to do this? I mean, it was forced, but I haven’t talked to anyone for a long time. Oh, come on fork, channel Labeouf! Just do it! Target, initiate telepathy…

“Hello? Can you understand me?”

“Hm? Is someone there?” The voice resounded in my mind, sounding as if I was thinking in another person's voice. Not that I was doing that... I hope.

I try again. “Yes, can you hear me?”

“Yes, but who are you? Where are you?” The voice comes again. Initiation of conversation: Success!

Continue conversation! “You can hear me, then? Yay! I didn’t even know if this was working properly. Um, sorry. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” The voice asks.

Initiate lying! “I don’t know who I am, or how I got here. Or where here is.”

“What do you know about yourself?” He asks.

Mix in some true parts! “I have mana sight. So I can see you. But I can’t hear, or feel, and I couldn’t talk for a long time. Can you talk with me, please?”

“Sure… But where are you speaking to me from?” I think he bought it… maybe?

But just in case... “Telepathy. The reason you’re the first person I spoke to is that I only recently trained it to the level where I could transmit thoughts. As for where exactly I am, it doesn’t matter. I can’t seem to affect the physical plane at all, and I’m invisible. To be blunt, I’m directly in front of you. Telepathy is cheaper in psi if I’m closer to the target after all.”

Amusingly, I see him bolt upright and stare ahead of him for a little while before talking again. Of course, I’m still in his pack, but he doesn’t know that. And the pack is leaning against the bed, so being close to him isn’t a lie.

“So, what are you usually doing, if you can’t talk or hear?” He asks. Well, for better or worse, we seem to be onto casual conversation. I shouldn't have to lie any more.

“Watching. It’s all I can do, really. It’s somewhat boring because I can’t tell people apart, but It’s all that keeps me sane. The status window says I’m 10 months old, and I only became able to use telepathy yesterday. What about you?” I’m eager to know… well, anything, really. Anything to make time pass easier.

His voice continues sounding in my head, just as I presume mine is sounding in his. “Me? Just your average traveller. I go wherever I think I’ll find money. Not that I ever find much, but it’s enough to live by.”

“So, what’s your name?” I ask.

“Ferdinand. I think my parents hoped for me to become a knight, because what village boy has a name like Ferdinand? How about you, what’s your name?”

Oops, I forgot to think up a name.

“I don’t have a name. Even the status window just says ‘none’.” I say

“Maybe your name is ‘none’?” Ferdinand says. That's a name and a half he's got there. Sounds foreign. Wait, everything's foreign here. I'm lucky we speak the same language.

“No thanks. Could you think of something a bit better?”

“Village boy, remember. We don’t do creativity, we do practicality. Are you male or female, anyway?” He asks.

“Genderless, but I would prefer a male name than a female one, if it comes to that.” I used to be a guy, so I may as well have a male name here too.

He lists out a bunch of names that couldn’t sound more boring if he tried. “How about Gerald, or Harold, Roy, John, Jack, Alex, Bob, Bill, Donald or something like that?”

But it doesn't matter that much to me, so I pick out what sounds best to me. “Those sound pretty average and common. Whatever. I’ll go with Gerald.”

“Hey, I tried my best you know?”

Remembering something, I check my status. “Oh, by the way, my Psi is almost gone so-“

“…”

Well that was the most fun I’ve had in this life, depressingly. I’ll just talk with him again when he gets up. Wonder if he’ll think it was a hallucination or something? One way to find out. But in the meantime, beer doesn’t count itself.

13297 bo- Ah, he’s getting up. I could have trained telepathy more during the night, and maybe I should have. At the same time, though, I needed to have enough to talk to him in the morning. And proficiency gain decreases drastically after reaching the advanced level of a skill. Will a single night make a difference? Perhaps.

I start up telepathy again. “Good morning. Or so I assume, I can’t tell the difference between night and day.”

“So it wasn’t a dream…” He says.

He stretches a bit, and continues to speak. “Yeah, it’s morning. First light, to be exact. Although, I’m surprised you know about that, didn’t you say you have no memories?”

Improvise! “No, just that I didn’t know who I am or how I got here. I know some random pieces of what I assume is common knowledge for people here. Things about time, the cycle of day and night, the feeling of the wind blowing… I wish I had a sense of touch.”

“That’s harsh. Knowing pleasure but being unable to reach it.” Ferdinand says.

“Do you reckon I could follow you around? I can see through obstacles and such with mana sight, so I can tell you if you’re about to be ambushed and such.” I ask. A bit misleading, since he can't really get rid of me unless I tell him my true identity, but I should at least ask.

“That doesn’t sound half bad, but what do you get out of it?” He sounds a bit suspicious.

“Someone to talk to. A sense of fulfillment from helping someone. A sense of pride from accomplishing something. Perhaps the first friend I’ll ever have. Sounds like a fair trade to me.” I say, and this time I’m perfectly honest.

He looks like he’s thinking about it. Now would be a good time to mention that not all thoughts are transmitted via telepathy, only the ones you intend to transmit. Which is why I haven’t accidentally shouted out, ‘actually, I’m a fork’. I was very relieved when I noticed this. After all, do you have total control over your thoughts? No! You always have the occasional stray thoughts that you yourself think are very strange or even disturbing.

Meanwhile…

“Sure, just try not to distract me when I’m around others or in combat.” He says, finally.

“Can do.” I agree. “Only emergency communications in such circumstances. So what’s on the agenda for today?”

“Agenda? What’s that?” He asks. Right, education level here is a bit lower than back home, clearly.

“What do you plan to do today.” I clarify.

“Find work, what else? Oh, and go to the local smithy to get my equipment repaired.”

And so, we headed out, with him aware of my existence for the first time. Watching him walk down the street, content in the knowledge that there is at least one being out there that knows I exist. Strangely, he stops in the middle of the street, looking to one side. There’s nothing there.

“Something up? Why’d you suddenly stop?” I ask curiously.

“Just a fortune teller.” He says. “Probably a fake, but you never know.”

I look again. Nadda. “I don’t see anybody. Either the person there has no mana in his body, or you’re seeing an illusion. Either way, get out of there.”

“What? You can’t see him? Everyone has mana, it’s everywhere, you can’t not have it. Maybe there’s something to him after all?” He says, confused.

“A highly suspicious man with no mana? Get out of there.” I can't have him die now! I just met the dude!

“Come on, we’re on a main street, plenty of people. Besides, I can protect myself.” He says. Fair point.

“Fine, but don’t blame me if something goes wrong.” I say.

And so, I watch him sit down in an empty alleyway for a while. I keep the telepathic link open, just in case. Not that I’ll be able to help much if something does happen. After a few minutes, he gets up and walks back into the flow of people in the street. Don’t be so sudden, I might lose track of you. Not really, I’m in his bag.

Not in any way hopeful, I ask him about what happened. “So? Anything meaningful?”

He sounds disappointed. “Typical sham talk. He prattled on about how difficult fortune telling was, something about the very act of telling someone their future altering it drastically to a separate future, or something like that. Only good thing was he didn’t ask for money.”

More detail, bored dude here. “Yeah, but did he actually tell you anything?”

“A single cryptic line about how ‘you are what you eat’, and how my future would depend on that.”

“Well that’s… strange.” I concur.

It’s a coincidence, right? But then again, first a ‘fortune-teller’ I can’t see, then him saying something which I can only interpret as a reference to the butterfly effect, then something that sounds suspiciously close to describing my absorb skill… That’s a LOT of coincidence.

Now, I should still keep it a secret, right? As long as nobody knows about my true form, nothing deadly should occur to me, at least. So, where’s the blacksmith?