Fork This Life!

Chapter 4: In Soviet Russia, fork eat you.

Well. Remember those short people? The next day - well, in the period of time after he slept once and before he slept another time - they come back. With another twenty or so other shorties.

They are all wielding… well, they are probably clubs. You know, the whole not being able to differentiate between different materials thing. Could be… I dunno, wads of cloth. Yeah, that’s a bit of a stretch, they’re clubs. And to combat this, the dude I was attached to weirdly gropes around his waist, then clasps his hands in front of him. He’s praying? That’s weird. I mean, not the praying thing, but the fact that he’s doing it while surrounded by 20 midgets with clubs.

Anyway, combat commences, and it looks really weird on my end. He (or she) sort of flails his clasped hands towards the short people, then the closest one just falls. Well, that’s what happens for the first two. Then he gets surrounded by clubs and gets downed fairly quickly. What does this mean for me?

The backpack gets ripped off his back and searched. The squirrel, still inanimate, gets tossed, along with a few other things. I get taken. Not sure if that’s good or bad. Maybe they think a fork is a better weapon than a club? Or they use forks… that sounds racist. I hope they use forks.

It takes a surprisingly short amount of time to get back to their base. It is basically a cave system with some shabby-looking buildings in it. They enter through a large crack in the ground, climb down a ladder and enter, presenting the epic loot to their leader. I have no idea what anyone is saying, if anything, but I end up being given to another of the short people. Can I call them midgets? Is that socially acceptable? Hey, what am I saying, I’m no longer part of society, it doesn’t matter.

A little later it is meal time, and thank the heavens, I am being used as forks are intended. Thus I am able to absorb some food.

…It would have been better if I hadn’t. Putting it mildly, they weren’t dragging the guy I was with before to imprison him. Worse yet, I didn’t even get a skill or trait. I would vomit at this turn of events normally, but I have no stomach to vomit from.

At this point my internal grimacing is interrupted by tall people entering the caves. How can I tell, you ask? I must again remind you that I can see anything around me (that contains mana) within the radius of the skill, which last I checked is 41.25m. Not much on paper, but a decent distance nonetheless, since I can see through walls and all.

I assume some sort of alarm is raised, because all the midgets start moving animatedly at the same time. I, who is being used to eat a meal, is still being clutched in one hand of a midget running towards the cave entrance. The midgets congregate in a central area, then split up into groups going into various passages.

I, or rather the midget holding me, is in a group going into a side passage. From what I can see, this tunnel ends in a bit of a concealed opening above the tall peoples’ heads. Ambush huh? It seems these shorties have got some intelligence then. After all, short people are by nature bad in close combat - being light, having less muscle mass and being unable to reach their opponents are severe handicaps.

In the meantime, my group of midgets have reached the concealed exit and are waiting there, probably for the other group - who are just reaching another concealed exit on the opposite side of us. After seeing each other, both groups jump down at the tall people below. Regarding the tall people, there are five of them, one advancing with a large stick held high. Why does everyone use clubs?

Midgets fall from the ceiling, and I am raised high as the one holding me prepares to slam down. I won’t break, will I?

The answer to that is a resounding ‘yes’ accompanied with what I expected to be pain, but is in fact just a sense of wrongness in part of my body as one of my tines breaks off, now embedded in the flesh of one of the tall people. Calling up my status, my durability has dropped down to 3.2. If this keeps up, I won’t last the battle. As the last, first and only option available to me in such cases, I activate absorb in the hopes that I can regain some of my lost wood.

A brief but considerably frantic battle later, I have not only not managed to regain said durability but managed to lose a further 1.7 durability and another tine, leaving me with a handle, a solitary tine and only 1.5 durability. I am not in any way happy about this. The only thing I’ve gained from this combat is a bit of exp and absorb proficiency.

The midget holding onto me takes a single glance at my broken state before throwing me away as he turns to loot the downed tall folk.

Well, ain’t that just peachy.

Dust and dirt accumulates on top of me as time passes. I absorb it. A window comes up, telling me that I gained no skills or traits, no proficiency, and the durability gained is 0.00. Excellent. Days, and weeks, pass judging by the amount of times they’ve slept. Dust accumulates, is absorbed, and accumulates again countless times. As I peruse my status screen for the umpteenth time in my boredom, I notice my durability has gone up by 0.01.

I would celebrate this minor improvement, but going by how long it took for me to go to 1.51 from 1.5, it’s going to take me, hm, 3.49 times, let’s say three weeks equals, 9 +1.2 + 0.27 = 10.47 weeks. Wait, no, that’s 349 times. So that’s 1047 weeks. 52 weeks in a year, ish, so that’s, 520 + 520 = 1040, about 20 years.

No thanks. Is what I want to say, but I literally have no choice but to tough it out. Huh? Commit suicide you say? If only it was so easy. You try to strangle yourself with no limbs, no throat and no need to breathe. I literally have no control over my own life or death. And therefore, if I can’t kill myself, I am forced to struggle towards better life, am I not?

I absorb a little of the ground beneath me, but It causes me to sink slightly. Wouldn’t want that. After all, a potential rescuer has to be able to notice me. Not that they would in this state.

Absorbing the ground gets me 0.03 more durability, but it still doesn’t do much. I would absorb some mana conglomerates, but they don’t seem to be as common down here. Just dust, dirt and damp. A midget steps on me at one point. I absorb a bit off the bottom of his foot, but he probably just thought he stood on my point, and kicked me away. That gets me another 0.03. now at 1.57. Whoopee.

Mice scurry around the cave, and insects crawl along the ground and ceiling. Months have passed, and I’m barely closer to the completion of my goal, at only 1.72. I’ve absorbed a few insects that have crawled over me, but have gotten very small durability return, negligible experience and proficiency returns, and no skills or traits. Oh, barring that one.

Herculean Strength (Large) – In possession of the ability to exert strength far beyond that of your peers. Multiplies base strength (Before using passive or active skills) by 10.

Yay, my strength is now multiplied by 10! That increases it to, let me check, 0! 10x0 is 0! I mean, it’s a great skill and all, but I got no strength in the first place! Useless! In other news, next to my strength of 0.0, there is now, in brackets, another 0.0. What fun. I assume that is my stat after being affected by skills and traits. Got that one from an ant. Yeah, goes to show, doesn’t it? You can get good skills and traits from anything.

It’s only been another few weeks, but I’m now unable to have any semblance of accurate measurement of time. The reason? The midgets got eradicated by tall people. I almost miss their constant activity. Now I only have insects, arachnids and small marsupials to keep me company. Pro tip: they ain’t good company. Well, at least they occasionally walk over me and let me absorb them.

Mental diary, day 274: I don’t know how many days have passed. I don’t know how many insects I’ve eaten. What I do know, is that spider is Harold, those mice are George, Margaret, Sally and Popo, and that that one is Dolores. I don’t like Dolores. She’s a prude.

Title gained: Insane

Congratulations, you’ve lost your marbles. Or maybe you’ve found them. Who knows? Not you. You’re too busy conversing with the mice. Strangely, things have a way of working out for the mad.

Stat gained: Luck +3, Wisdom -5, Dexterity +1, Strength +1

HAH! Luck rhymes with duck. Classic.

Skill gained: Self-repair (Basic)

You’ve been repaired so many times that you’ve figured out how to do it yourself. By expending an energy type, you can repair your own durability and recover your original form. Current energies able to be used: mana. Exchange ratio: 10 mana: 0.1 durability

Hey, since when couldn’t I regrow limbs? Let’s do it right now!

Self-repair: gained 1.1 durability

Hey, my tines grew back! Let’s dig a hole! Diggy diggy hole, I’m digging a hole! Wheeeeee!

Core processor of lvl 20 logic_bot_v3.2a absorbed

Experience gained: 20.0

Durability recovered: 3 (exceeds maximum durability, reducing to 1.3)

Skill proficiency increased: Absorb 0.5% (exceeds 100%, reducing to 0.2%)

Skills gained: None

Traits gained: Structured Sanity

Hey, what just happened? Where in the blue blazes am I? Why am I sitting inside what looks to be a robot? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!

…Moving on, let’s check the status. Wait, what are those windows.

lvl 20 logic_bot_v3.2a killed

Experience gained: 1325.0

Skill proficiency increased: Absorb 0.5% (exceeds 100%, reducing to 0.2%

Title: Insane has been altered to: Clinically sane

Benefits from previous title are replaced by this title.

You have experienced what most people fear and overcome it, one way or another. The experience has changed you, for better or worse.

Stat gained: Luck +5, Wisdom +1, Dexterity +0.5, Strength +0.5, Intelligence +1

Trait gained: Steady mind (minor) (redundant due to Structured Sanity trait)

Level up! You are now level 5

7.5 stat points gained

Absorb (Basic) has evolved into Absorb (Advanced) due to 100% proficiency

Absorb (Advanced) (Racial, Low Unique) - Allows the absorption of energy, or substances through the surface of the body or at a distance of (Int*Wis)/10mm. Rate of absorption can be controlled. Although this ability is magical in nature, as it is a form of mana control, and mana is also absorbed, mana cost is 0. Currently the only form of energy able to be absorbed is mana. Absorbing substances has a minor chance of giving traits, abilities and skills relating to the substance.

I was insane? Well that’s… fun. Let’s bring up the status before anything else happens.

Status

Name: None

Race: Living Fork

Level: 5

Experience: 473.27/600

Gender: None

Age: 8 months (local time)

Allegiance: None

Fame: None

Strength: 0.5 (5.0)

Intelligence: 12.0

Dexterity: 0.5

Wisdom: 8.5

Charisma: 3.0

Luck: 10.1

Hardness: 15.1

Durability: 6.0/6.0

Mana: 30/120

Mana regen: 0.85/min

Unspent stat points: 7.5

Titles

Traits

Skills

Evening my strength, dex, hardness and wisdom puts me down 2.4 points to 5.1. Durability is basically my health, so let’s dump 1.6 in there, and that leaves me with 3.5 to put in wisdom.

Status

Name: None

Race: Living Fork

Level: 5

Experience: 473.27/600

Gender: None

Age: 8 months (local time)

Allegiance: None

Fame: None

Strength: 1.0 (10.0)

Intelligence: 12.0

Dexterity: 1.0

Wisdom: 12.5

Charisma: 3.0

Luck: 10.1

Hardness: 16.0

Durability: 7.6/7.6

Mana: 30/120

Mana regen: 1.25/min

Unspent stat points: 0

Titles

Traits

Skills

Hopefully I can get out of this mess somehow…