Falling Over

**Unknown**

 

I tumbled through the multifaceted shard that represented the doorway to a reality, and crashed down onto a smooth wooden surface. Feeling my form become whole and defined again overwhelmed my senses for a moment, and I almost… threw up? Words, language, and my internal voice were attempting to consolidate what I knew. Who was I?

As my eyesight returned to functionality, I marvelled briefly at the finish the wood had been given. How does one make wood this glossy? It was almost as though it was covered by a thin film of water, but I was not wet from its touch. I rolled up into a sitting position and tried to figure out where I was. I seemed to be in a hallway of some description, although the architecture was alien to say the least.

My inspection of the cold floor was interrupted by someone speaking excitedly from above me. No, wrong emotion? It appeared the… girl, yes that was the word, the girl I was staring at was upset. With me? She wielded a crude wooden club that seemed to be covered in the same not-water finish as the floor.

“Good to meet you,” I tried, my voice rasping from lips that had never spoken a word.

The girl squeaked, jumping backwards and dropping her club with a dull thud that caused my heart to shudder. Noises, sudden and impactful. They hurt me? No, they scared me.

The girl spoke, but I could not understand her, although the language seemed familiar. A memory flashed through my mind. A small creature, looking up at myself and my companions. It said the same word. He-llo? The word, it’s meaning. What were they?

I passed out.

 

**Elsie**

 

Three days after the shopping trip, Maddy’s knock on my door came within a minute of when she said she’d arrive, but that was standard for Maddy. I walked over, doing a quick once over of myself to make sure I was looking good. Diana buying me a whole new wardrobe had been amazing, and I was so damn spoiled for choice now. I loved it, the whole matching my new clothes with each other was beginning to take up far too much of my morning.

As a result of my efforts and Diana’s kindness, I was now wearing a knee length swishy navy blue dress. It wasn’t a one hundred percent fit, but it was close, and I loved to do that little twirl that everyone does when they first get a skirt or dress. She’d also insisted we buy spats to go under all these short skirts I was wearing, because she was getting protective of my dignity for some reason.

Something else Diana had bought me during the trip, falling under what she considered essentials, was a few starter items of makeup. I had insisted on getting eyeliner, and since it was impossible for me to fuck up any simple task, I’d been given an eyeliner pen. I hadn’t taken the stuff off since, except to sleep. Glowing blue eyes and thick dark eyeliner looked absolutely incredible. I kept sneaking off to the bathroom so I could stare at myself in the mirror and grin like an idiot. Being pretty was awesome!

Anyway, the door! I opened it to find Maddy standing there looking as adorably awkward as ever, and I motioned her in with a smile, “Hey! I was just making hot chocolate cos I’m becoming addicted to the stuff. Do you want some?”

“Yeah that sounds nice,” she smiled, giving my dress a quick look, “That’s such a cute dress! I wish I had the confidence to wear nice things all the time like you do! You look so different from the first time we met! I’m jealous. I’m always too worried I might look dumb when I dress up nice.”

“No you’d look great!” I giggled, waving off her concerns, “It’s not about looking like a model anyway, you just gotta find your style and wear it with a bit of flair and confidence! It also has to, you know… fit. People fuck that last one up all the time.”

She looked at me a little skeptically for a moment, “That sounds like something one of those really pretty instagram models would say.”

What? The way she said that made it sound like she was almost upset with me or something? I was really confused.

“I mean there’s like, obviously more nuance to it than that,” I said, a little less enthusiastically than before. I was just trying to help.

“Yeah probably!” she smiled, moving past and into the house, then blurted excitedly, “Oh by the way did you see that mod I sent you for Stellaris? It’s so cool! We should play it when you get your computer back. It adds all sorts of different sci-fi preset races and stuff into a big mishmash. It’s so funny!”

“Oh um, I was actually playing a lot of Destiny 2. Like, a lot of it, before the whole parents thing. I got really distracted by that game I swear. I got it for free and I’m really liking it! I really want to get a job so I can buy a new computer and start playing again,” I said excitedly, missing my computer terribly.

Closing the door and moving back to the kitchen to make us both some hot chocolate, I gave her an extra smile. It would be fun to play it with her.

She followed me silently for a moment, then asked, “I thought all the reviews for it were bad and stuff. Everyone talked about how dead the game was going to be and stuff.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’d actually found myself wanting to dive into gaming less and less as the weeks went by. It’s not that I didn’t like gaming. I loved it in fact, and when I did play games it was still just as fun as before. My shitty little laptop had been getting a bit of a work out since I got here like the time with EU3, and I’d picked my switch up once too. I couldn’t tell if it was just that I didn’t have enough time for it anymore, or if the time I did have was being spent on other things.

Additionally, or especially even, I wasn’t diving into the periphery of gaming anymore. I wasn’t trawling the subreddits of my favourite games for hours on end, learning every new change and discovery. I was out learning to skate, or doing uni work, or simply hanging out with Diana in the living room. It was probably the fact that I could enjoy so many more things I had been interested in but too afraid to try because I was… a boy.

I took another mug out of the cupboard and placed it on the counter, then added some chocolate powder and a little bit of sugar to make it sweeter. I liked sweet things. The kettle had finished boiling while I’d been answering the door, so I was able to pour the hot water into the mugs, then a dash of milk. With a final stir into both, I turned and placed Maddy’s mug in front of her and then sipped very cautiously from my own. Still hot!

“Watch out, it’s hot,” I warned her, then shrugged, “And I don’t know about the reviews. I just like the game so I’m playing it.”

Maddy blew on her own cup for a moment, then smiled and nodded, “Yeah that’s a good way to do things. Reviewers are like half paid off anyway.”

“At least!” I laughed, “They give some of those triple A train wreck games like eight out of ten and stuff. It’s so easy to spot!”

“Exactly!” she giggled, shaking her head, “So um, are you ready to work? I have to get home soon so I can’t stay too long.”

“Right, I have my stuff on the dining table,” I said, moving over to it.

We studied and worked through our assignment together, and things smoothed out from the tiny bumps we’d experienced when she arrived. Maddy was still adorable. I cared about her a ton. I was still looking forward to our date, which was not far away now. She was so pretty, so full of insight and ideas. That mind of hers was constantly thinking of abstract and interesting solutions to things. When she found a problem she was interested in, it was like nothing else mattered to her. She’d forget about everything but working away until she solved it.

She did have to run home sooner than usual though, and she seemed… distracted? She’d gotten one or two things wrong during our work session, and that was so completely out of character for her that I almost asked her what was wrong. I held my tongue though. I don’t know why but I didn’t feel like she’d give me an answer? What was going on with me today? Why was I feeling so strange and over analysing everything she did? I needed to stop.

“So um… when are we going on that date?” I asked shyly as I showed her to the door.

“Oh! Crap! I totally forgot to tell you! I’m so sorry! I um… I made a reservation at a place my grandma likes… um, I know that’s totally lame, but it’s really nice and won’t… you know, break the bank or anything. It has a really cool gaming bar place next to it that we can hang out in after and— “ she was interrupted by a text coming into her phone, and she forgot all about what she was saying as she read it. A huge unconscious smile spread across her lips and she shook her head in what looked like… wonder?

“What is it?” I asked, glancing at her phone.

Her whole demeanour shifted to alert as she noticed me and she jerked the phone back, looking almost guarded.

Trying to smile, but failing pretty badly, she said, “Oh! Nothing! That was my grandma... she’s the one who owns my house. She just sent me a silly joke, that’s all.”

“Oh okay…” I said, too confused to make much more of a response. “I’ll see you… tomorrow?”

“Yes!” she grinned, looking genuinely excited again. “I can’t wait to show you the gaming bar! It’s not a gambling one, if that’s what you were thinking, it’s a board gaming one! I think you’ll really like it!”

“Cool!” I said.

“Okay, gotta go! Bye!” she waved, hopping down the steps. “We should play Stellaris again some time!”

As I watched her bounce down the steps, I felt a little empty. I smiled, I waved goodbye, I promised to play Stellaris with her when I could, and yet something was wrong inside me. There was a hollow feeling in my chest, and a simmering acid feeling in my gut.

I walked back to the living room and plopped down on the couch, staring at the flatscreen TV that Diana had. It was off, and I couldn’t be bothered reaching forward to turn it on. I didn’t feel like going to my room to get my switch either. I just didn’t have the heart for any of it. What should I do?

Eventually, my mind settled on showing up at Brook’s doorstep unannounced, because I was bored and she was always fun. She knew how to keep me cheerful and entertained, that was for sure. I smiled as I imagined her exasperated face at finding me wandering into her room while she did… whatever it was she did when she was bored and alone. Wait that was probably something dirty… Whatever, I’d seen her naked. She didn’t care, and she was pretty and hot, so I didn’t care either. Fuck I don’t know. Was it okay for me to keep thinking about my best friend like that?

I jumped up off the couch, eager to be somewhere now that I had a destination in mind, and grabbed my purse. I had a purse now!! It was a cute little thing that doubled as a sort of tiny backpack for when I was skating. I grabbed my skate shoes and slipped them on, not caring if it fit with the dress or not, and left the house.

I skated to the nearest bus stop and hopped on when it arrived. If any supervillains interrupted this bus trip I was going to expand the space inside their chest until it exploded. Wow, that was kinda vicious there Elsie… tone the thoughts down a bit, sheesh! Anger much?

When I finally hopped off the bus and skated the last few hundred meters to her apartment building, I was eager to see her and just hang out with a friend who I knew wasn’t ever going anywhere. I tapped on their door and waited. As usual, there was no answer, so I began to beat the door with my skateboard.

Dillon was unfortunate enough to swing the door open wide right as I was mid swing, and my board caught him right in the chest. He doubled over with a grunt, and I gasped, leaping back. It was strange that my powers didn’t kick in to stop that.

“Shit! I’m, I’m so sorry! I um… should probably have knocked like a normal person,” I squeaked, getting ready to run away if he came at me.

“You fucking think?” He wheezed, “Just go inside, the bitch will hurt me if I hit you back.”

I couldn’t help a snort at that, I wonder what Brook had done to put this one into line. Maybe a few less than gentle impacts to his groin?

“Thank you!” I said in a laughing singsong voice, slipping past him into the apartment.

When I got in front of her door, I wondered if I should knock. Like, it was polite right? But she was my best friend, why was I overthinking this? Why was I overthinking everything today?

I reached up to knock with my skateboard, only to have it open on its own. Brook stepped forward, and this time my powers kicked in. I spun suddenly in place, my legs twisting and pivoting so that my board missed her. My powers did not stop there though, on no, because my powers loved to fuck with me. I spun until I had my back to her, and then promptly fell back into her chest.

Looking up with a strangled gasp, I tried to speak, but only a worried little mewling sound came out.

Had I really not learned my lesson just now? Thank fuck for my powers. Hitting Dillon was fine, but hitting Brook was not fine!

“Um, hi Elsie,” Brook smiled bemusedly down at me.

“H-hi… I was um, knocking, and my powers…” I mumbled, feeling my cheeks heating dramatically.

Her smile turned to an amused smirk, and she nodded, still supporting my weight, “Uh huh. Do please go on, my little friend?”

“I don’t… you… oh my goddess!” I squeaked, pushing off her and reorienting myself so I was facing her and not leaning on her. I was red from hairline to chest. I knew it. I knew it because I could see Brook was one dumbass comment away from bursting into howling laughter.

“I’m trying to decide if I should tease you mercilessly for this,” she commented, her voice dancing with undecided laughter.

“I… don’t you dare… Please?” I grumbled pleadingly.

“Alright, suit yourself. Something tells me you enjoy being teased though,” she laughed, then motioned into the living area of the apartment, “I was just going to reheat some chinese. You want some?”

“You like chinese don’t you?” I asked petulantly. She always had chinese takeout leftovers.

“Yes I do, my bratty little friend,” she chuckled again, reaching up to ruffle my hair.

“Hey! I spent at least an hour in the wind to get that looking perfectly messy!” I joked sarcastically.

Even as we bantered back and forth, I felt the strange tension of the day easing, and a true smile found its way onto my face.

“Whatever you say glowstick, now go sit in my room while I get the food. I don’t want Dillon anywhere near you while you’re looking as hot as you are right now. I love the eyeliner,” she commented, finally giving me a once over.

“Um, thanks…” I said bashfully, feeling good about myself. If Brook thought I was hot, then I was hot!

“No problem glowstick,” she said, then wandered off towards the kitchen in search of her beloved chinese food.

I walked into her room and wandered over to the one chair she had in there. It had some bras and shirts dumped on it, and they looked dirty, so I shifted them to the floor and sat down. Brook’s room was particularly bad today. I don’t think there was more than a foot of open floor across the whole thing. How did she even operate like this?

When she came back, she had two steaming bowls of fried rice. I smiled gratefully when she passed one to me, and then began eating with enthusiasm. I was so damn hungry!

“So what’s up. Why are you randomly turning up outside my room this time?” Brook asked around a mouthful of food.

“I don’t know. Just needed to feel… normal. Or something. I don’t really know, I just felt really weird and you were the first person I thought of to help with that,” I told her truthfully.

“Oh cool, well I mean I love hanging out with you so it’s no biggie,” she said, smiling affectionately.

Something about the way she looked at me just now caused my lungs to feel both full and empty at the same time, and I stared into my food trying to get it all to calm down. Why was I feeling so volatile all of a sudden? It was like my brain was just reacting randomly, with different levels of emotion. Noticing the strange behaviour triggered a chain reaction in my body, and suddenly my heart was beating funny and I was trying to breathe and…

I quickly placed the half eaten bowl of food onto Brook’s cluttered desk. Just in time too, it felt like the strength was sapped from my limbs all at once, and I was unable to do anything but blink and breathe. I sat there like that for a few moments, my face joining in on the randomness by flashing hot and cold over and over for no apparent reason. Was I really going to have a panic attack over a strange feeling?

Brook noticed pretty quickly, cursing and placing her own bowl on the floor. She rushed over to me and scooped me up into her arms, carrying me over to her bed and gently laying me down. She tried to pull away, but I latched onto her arm with a terrified grip. Oh goddess, I just needed, I just needed. What did I need? I didn’t even fucking know? Why was I feeling so fucking weird. I just wanted it to stop.

“Hey, hey… Elsie, hey…” Brook murmured softly, “Listen to my voice, listen to my voice little glowstick. Focus on my voice, and follow along with my breathing.”

She leaned down, kneeling on the floor next to the bed. She began breathing in and out, her warm breath gently tickling my neck even as I could hear it sighing in and out of her lungs. I latched onto those two sensations like a drowning woman to a life raft, following along with the lifeline she had thrown me. I felt my breathing begin to slow alongside hers, and my mind slowly began to uncoil from its animalistic panic.

“Oh goddess,” I choked, reaching up and putting my arms around Brook’s neck, pulling myself wimpering against her, “What the fuck.”

“You’re fine Elsie. It’s all good. I’d like to know what happened, but take your time,” she told me gently, running a hand up and down my back.

“I don’t know what happened. I’ve just been feeling really weird recently. Maddy came over just before, and that felt extra weird, and I just… I don’t know. You looked at me and I fell apart,” I groaned, feeling hot tears of stress beginning to make trails down my cheeks. Probably ruining my eyeliner too.

“Hey you don’t need to understand it. I wish we could get you to a psych, get you diagnosed and treated for your anxiety, because it sucks seeing you like this, and I imagine it probably sucks to experience it too,” Brook said, reaching up to run her fingers comfortingly through my hair.

I felt myself relax again as I lay flopped into my friend’s comforting arms. Tension I didn’t know I was carrying with me just unravelling and fading with each gentle scratch of my scalp. I felt vaguely guilty for turning up on her doorstep and then promptly having a mental breakdown, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure if there was anyone else who could have fixed this.

Brook shifted, letting me go for a moment while she crawled over me and onto the bed. When she was situated properly she pulled me back to her chest and began again, and I found myself just enjoying her comfort.  Fuck that felt so good. The way she stopped to swirl her fingers lazily in circles every so often. My eyelids fluttered, my body drooped with released tension and… I fell asleep. At Brook’s. Again.