Faking it Till They Make It

Ava stirred in her sleep, the scent of Ethan's cologne an awakening sensation on her pillow. It felt like a much-needed breather from the intimate cocoon of an abode that felt like exactly the opposite of the orchestrated chaos of the past week. But the peace was tenuous, as ever, prone to being breached by the upsetting specter of Liam.

The facade of pretended relationship had begun to deteriorate, peeled off by the naked emotionality bubbling beneath the surface. Ethan's vulnerability in admitting his insecurity had taken more than a few bricks off her walls, which she had carefully built up. Somewhere inside, she craved such vulnerability, yet feared it too. Memories of Liam's sudden appearance at the restaurant, the curveball that had disrupted their structured date, depressed her.

His voice, light yet heavy with meaning, echoed in her head. "Ava, you look happy," he said - an observation that felt like a question or an accusation, a challenge to what was happening between the three of them. She had diverted with an unsure smile and an excuse, but Liam's all-seeing gaze saw right through her act. He'd seen the slight nuances of her demeanor, where they bristled.

The almost invisible changes in her body language, how she slightly angled to Ethan, how her hand out of impulse searched for his. She realized that honest was not really the way to describe what she was with Liam. She had climbed out of the suffering of the breakup that she believed herself over, but the wound was raw again. Liam had not been just a boyfriend; he had been a chapter of her life, a vital plot in her nice story. They had not even had a bad ending to their relation not in such a dramatic, explosive way. It just… faded away. It was a gradual separation, slow and unfelt, due to ambitions, different goals in life, and the fears that made their pavilion of love quietly eroded from within.

There had been no heroically dramatic fight, certainly no Reckless accusations, merely the kind of slow, silent mutual acceptance that they had been growing apart. And yet, the ghost of their past still lingered. This time it wasn't so much about Liam as it was that subtle, smarting realization that she was increasingly vulnerable around Ethan-leading a deceitful life that blurred the fine line separating truth from the sham. She ached at their merry little deception; such guilt was tormenting her inside. Could there be any logical justification for her actions as she acted out this charade-of convenience and appeasement toward her family? Ava got out of bed, letting the cool morning air cleanse the warmth of the sheets. It was time to clear her head, to wrestle with the complexity of emotions that were trying to take over.

The walk to the nearby park, a daily ritual she found sometimes soothing, felt different today. The usual tranquility was disturbed within by her internal chaos. She settled on a quiet bench, the serene rustling of the leaves acting as an inward soundtrack. In a way, it had been a learning lesson for her-the relationship with Liam-a stepping stone in the making of the individual she was today. A communication lesson, a learning of not purposively diverging life goals. And the most painful lesson-she learned a heartbreaking truth, sometimes; no matter how hard you try, it just won't work! She moved toward acceptance, at least she thought she did. Standing fast to build a career, a life she was proud of now. But Liam's return dig deep in old wounds, doubts she thought she got over it. His presence had inadvertently illuminated the growing intensity of her feeling for Ethan all along, making the truth of her situation blindingly real.

She closed her eyes and let the images of their last conversation once more flash through her mind. His words contained no accusation; instead, in total quiet understanding, he recognized a poignant shift, however subtle, in her life. It was all about the fake relationship between her and Ethan, but even more so, it was about the bond forming between them that was genuinely real; so real and strong, in fact, it couldn't be ignored. Scary. Very scary. That connection could send an avalanche through her carefully constructed life. And she had always been careful, practical, keeping control of her life. Falling in love was the messiest, the most unpredictable thing, a complete opposite of her philosophy.

The afternoon sun threw long shadows across the park as Ava returned to the apartment. She found Ethan in the kitchen, softly humming to himself as he made coffee. Seeing him deep in concentration, the way the sunlight shone on the strands of his dark hair, was such an ordinary sight, yet made her feel a warmth that stood beyond comprehension. The concrete walls she had built up started to swell and dissolve into the obvious glimmer of shy hope. That evening, they sat on the couch in companionable silence, the sound of the TV acting as background music to their unspoken conversation.

Ava had to talk to Ethan; she had to give vent to the flood of emotion closing her in like a prison, to untangle the bonds left over in her life. "Ethan," I need to tell you something," she began, very quietly. He turned to look at her, not saying anything. His looking at her was so intense that unspoken questions seemed to hang between them, almost palpable. He took her hand in his, gentle and reassuring. He felt her discomfort, her struggle deep within her fighting all day long. He'd seen the flicker of uncertainty in her eyes, the way she'd averted his gaze, the subtle change in her temperament: whatever it was, he had sensed something was eating her up.

He simply had never expected it to be this complicated. "Liam," she breathed, the name heavy with unspoken history. "He saw us. He saw... everything." Ethan's face drew into a furrow. Concern gleamed in his eyes. "What did he say?" He waited while Ava struggled to articulate the emotional whirlpool within. "Not much, actually. But he saw, saw how we are together-or, rather, how we are pretending to be together. And that made me realize..." She dared not look at him, taking in a shaky breath. "It made me realize how far things have come. How far I have come." Ethan listened compassionately, his hand tightening around hers in a gentle squeeze of solidarity. He already understood this was an important conversation, a discussion that had greater implications than their farcical charade.

The feelings he'd been bottling up, the worries he'd been trying to quell, were spilling over within him, feeding off the torrent of emotions flooding Ava's confession. Ava grew stronger with every word now that she had some articulation for her thoughts. "My relationship with Liam wasn't that dramatic. It just fizzled. But looking at him, the way he gazed at me, brought up... feelings. Not for him, not quite. But it forced me to look inside myself and acknowledge my own feelings and my own fears. It opened my eyes to how deeply I've avoided facing my feelings for you." It hung in the air between them with unspoken weight: the question they had both awaited from one another for weeks. 

At last, their painstakingly crafted pretense cracked. No lie was sustainable anymore, and the burden of secrecy was too much to bear. Ethan leaned forward and locked his eyes with hers. "I know," he said in a low husky voice. "I've felt it too. The uncertainty, the fear, the . . . the unbelievable intensity of this." This was the point at which he fell silent in a great linguistic effort to tackle the raging tempest hitting against his heart. "I've tried my best to suppress it, to convince myself that it was a part of the charade, to make myself believe that this is . . . more. It is so, so much more." The intricate design of their staged romance finally shattered, tangled up with the delicate, evanescent beauty of burgeoning passion.

Fears still clung to the air; uncertainties still bubbled up to the surface, but now, they were face to face with the truth. The charade was over. They had hardly begun to work. They had a considerable amount of disentangling to do, so many things to deliberate upon, and innumerable damages to repair. But this time it was they, with no burden upon their shoulder. They were ready to face whatever lay ahead of them.

The first catharsis of honesty was overwhelming; the first surge amidst the storm of their newly unveiled feelings. The future awaited, and with it came unlimited hope, excitement far beyond what had been ever conjured by their exquisitely choreographed deceit. They had warned themselves against taking the plunge out of fear of drowning. Instead, they had taken the leap into an unknown, the leap toward alleviation, and perhaps, just perhaps, toward love.