Euphemistically Yours

The innkeep slapped my shoulder, then pointed over toward the people at the nearby tables. “I’ll get your food right out. Most of those lumps are already done eating, and they aren’t renting a room, so feel free to push them off if you need a seat.”

“I’ll do that.” I nodded and turned to survey the room.

As he said, all the tables were full. I could quickly pick out the merchants from the pilgrims. The problem was choosing which was worse. The merchants were a known quantity, and I could pull rank on them to take their seats. However, they had sharp eyes, and Eu was sure to get into some sort of trouble. In contrast, the pilgrims came from all walks of life. One table might be serfs taking their once-in-a-lifetime trip to visit some holy shrine. But the next might be the family of a knight or even lesser nobility.

Thinking it over, I decided to place my bets on the most pitiful and bedraggled table of pilgrims. The quality of your clothes says a lot about your wealth and status. In other words, I should easily outrank them.

“Well met. My name is Deft, a free squire. Can you spare a seat for me and the boy? We’ll eat quickly and be gone.”

“Of course. Well met!” There were four of them, two men, two women. Status and custom demanded that the women would give up their seats to stand, while the men shared the table with me. This proceeded nicely, and I nodded my thanks.

Almost immediately after we had our seats, our meals arrived. As described, these consisted of earthenware bowls with stew, plus a small, hard loaf of barley-bread for each of us. There was also a mug of ale both for me and for Eu.

I noticed that Eu waited for me to give the blessing. Another sign of a good upbringing. In fact, she even bowed her head and repeated the “Amen” at the end. I doubt she understood one word in ten, but she must have understood the purpose of the ritual.

The stew didn’t have any meat large enough to detect, but the background flavor was definitely there. The bread was stale, but no worse than expected. For me, it was a fine meal considering our circumstances, but Eu picked at her food as usual. She slurped at her stew and made faces. She nibbled at her bread, then dipped it into the stew to soften it. As for the mug of ale, she took one sniff, then pushed it in my direction.

“Your boy knows good food from bad.”

I looked up at the older of the two pilgrim men. Probably the father, while the other was his son. The fact the he was speaking to me at all was a surprise. However, he had a smile on his face, so he clearly thought he was making a joke.

In response, I carried along the thread of the conversation. “I wish the boy would eat more, but his mother was a Plainsman. You can see that from his hair.”

The man nodded, “Plainsmen don’t even know good food when they see it.”

I could laugh along with him, but the better option would be to end the conversation. My deception wouldn’t hold up if they looked too closely. As such, I just gave a shrug and turned back to my stew. The faster it was gone, the faster we could get out of here.

“You said you’re a squire? You must have some money then. Do you have any to spare? We’re trying to reach Southump, but we’ve already run dry.”

Southump was several days’ journey away, maybe even a week. Why they’d be headed there was anyone’s guess. I didn’t know of any specific holy shrines there, but really, it didn’t matter. The name itself was awful - was it South hump or Sow thump?

If I gave them a coin, it would shut them up, so I pulled out a brass sun and pushed it across the table. It had the value of a day’s wage, so pretty good for beggars, but not so much that it would be noted.

“I bet you have more in there. Would you like to dice for it? You might win more back than you started with.”

Suddenly I understood the situation. These weren’t pilgrims at all. Or if they were, that wasn’t really their end goal. This was a group of drifters and gamblers. In fact, the man I’d assumed was his son didn’t look young enough to be sired by the elder.

“Sorry friend. I’m hungry now and up before dawn tomorrow. I've got no time for games of chance.”

The two nodded sadly, then turned to each other, pulling out their cups of dice. As I finished my meal, I watched as the two played for bit stakes against each other. At the same time, I kept an eye on their women. Considering the company they kept, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were pickpockets as well.

Eu had already finished her meal. Her bread was half-eaten, her stew even less so. I didn’t mind the extra food, nor did I want to insult the innkeep. With a quick hand, I switched my empty bowl with hers and continued taking it in.

That turned out to be the wrong choice. Eu seemed to be fascinated by the dice game. The two men were playing High-Low, which was simple to learn. You’d each shake your cup of dice, then set them face down onto the table. After that, whoever won the last roll would guess whether or not his pair of dice was higher or lower than his opponent’s. If the dice happened to be the same, it was an automatic loss - unless you called “same” which was a fool’s choice.

After watching a few rounds, Eu poked me in the arm and pointed at the game. I winced under my breath, but it was too late.

“Your boy wants to play?”

“He really shouldn’t. He’s seriously stupid. He's so daft, he can’t even talk right.”

“C’mon man! How will he ever learn?”

“I’d be better off just giving my money away.”

“Hahaha! At least give your poor boy a chance.”

“Fine!” I passed a single tin star to Eu. Valued at only a tenth of a sun, it was the smallest coin. In fact, it wasn’t even round, just a thin sliver of unmarked metal. A star was only enough for a single bet, so it would let her play once. In other words, it’d give me just enough time to finish the meal.

She pushed out the tin star onto the table and the younger of the two men matched hers with his. After that, the older man pushed his cup of dice across for her to use in the game.

As the newcomer, she was treated as the prior winner, so she’d need to call. This put her at a disadvantage, because even though the same number was the least likely of the three options, it still tilted the game in the defender’s favor.

After they rolled, she closed her eyes and clasped her hands together. With a start, I realized what she was doing. Of course I recognized that pose! She was casting magic!

I moved to grab her arm, but nothing else happened. She reopened her eyes, grinned, and stated her verdict. “Low”

When the two uncovered their cups, I saw that she’d won by a single pip. She’d rolled a total of six, while he had seven. Now, she had two stars, and she pushed them both forward, raising her bet with a further challenge.

I couldn't say anything. I knew she was cheating somehow. The confidence sparkling in her eyes told me how foolish this was. It was obviously magic! Yes, it was different from her nightly ritual, but definitely cheating! At a guess, she was using the wind to move the dice around. But in that case, how did she know that she only needed a six to win?

In any case, I could see that this situation wouldn’t end well. She was facing off against professional dice sharks and hoping to beat them at their own game. I set down the last of my stew and stood to leave. “C’mon boy. It’s time for bed.”

The gamblers complained. “Hey! That’s not fair! At least give us a shot to win our coin back!”

I was about to object, but Eu picked up her cup and rolled before I could get the words out of my mouth. After they rolled, she did the same quick ritual again. “High.”

Of course she won. There was never any doubt in my mind. Now she had four stars and it was time to leave. “Let’s go. Enough games.”

“Hey! You can’t leave when you’ve got us down!”

“Fine. You folks take the coins. We need to go to bed.”

This only riled them up. “You think we’d cheat you like that? We’re not dishonest!”

I couldn’t help but sigh. In my experience, only a liar tells you that they aren’t lying. Of course, they didn’t know they were being cheated themselves. “One last game, but I roll, not the boy!”

“One last game. That’s reasonable.” The two nodded to each other.

I pushed Eu to the side to grab the cup. I wasn’t stupid and I’d noticed that they’d rolled a seven both times so far. Clearly, they were using trick dice. No matter what I guessed, the odds were against me. The question was how to lose on purpose. If I said “high” or “low”, I might win by accident. Instead, I decided to call out that the dice were the same. Knowing they were cheating, I knew they had a seven, so my odds of winning were one in six.

I rolled, he rolled, and then I called “same” with a grin. Naturally, there were some raised eyebrows. In fact, the neighboring table was leaning over to watch, but they just scoffed at me. My smile got wider. Eu never had time to do her little trick, so the odds of my rolling a seven were…

… one in six! I couldn’t help but hang my head. The odds were only one in six, but I’d rolled that awful seven. I couldn’t lose even when I tried! Now, I had eight stars that I didn’t want.

The tables beside us gave a loud shout and moved in to watch the game more closely.

I didn’t know what Eu had done this time, but she was grinning at me and jumping up and down in her excitement.

“I already said that was the last game! We’ll be leaving now.”

“Awww…” the audience complained, but I’d had enough.

I grabbed Eu’s arm and she whined aloud as I pulled her out of the main hall back to our private room.

“Deft is bad! Deft is carrot water!”