Euphemistically Yours

A short while on the road, and Euphemism started whining. I knew she’d been awake for some time, but she had held her tongue. She was tied face-down, with her head and legs hanging down on opposite sides from the top of the saddle. I’d never suffered such an indignity myself, but I could guess that it wasn’t comfortable.

The falling rain pattered down on her back, soaking her clothes and dripping from her hair. She looked miserable and I didn’t blame her for complaining.

Hearing her whimpers, I approached more closely. I’d considered gagging her as well, but realized that would make this look even more like a kidnapping.

“Do you want me to untie you?”

“NO NO NO!”

She probably didn’t even know what I was asking.

“Do you want to yell about it?”

“NO NO NO!”

“Do you think I care?”

“NO NO NO!”

I sighed. Honey seemed happy though. She flicked her ears back at the girl occasionally as if amused by her supposed punishment.

“I’m going to leave you there until you get tired of yelling.”

“NO NO NO!”

“After that, I’ll try sitting you up in the saddle. Maybe you’ll be used to Honey by then.”

“NO NO NO!”

This went on for a while. Occasionally, I would ask her silly questions just to chuckle at her absurd responses. Knowing what she was going to say made it all too easy.

“Are you unhappy?”

“NO NO NO!”

“Do you feel mistreated?”

“NO NO NO!”

“Do you want to say anything else?”

“NO NO NO!”

When she started crying instead, I realized that I’d done a very bad thing. All the same, from my experiences with my own children, I didn’t want to reward her tears. It was heartbreaking to hear her sobs, but I figured I could wait until she was done.

Unfortunately, the crying never stopped. Each moment seemed like an eternity had passed. In the end, my guilt and shame won out, and I moved to release her.

The ropes weren’t especially tight, but they were cold and wet and left chafe marks on her wrists from her struggles. Likewise, she winced loudly when I sat her up. I’d put my blanket and spare clothes under her to pad the saddle, but being carried like that was not a proper sitting position.

“Can you sit in the saddle?”

She didn’t answer. Instead, she just burbled at me. Her face was a mess of tears and snot and her wet black hair was stuck to her cheeks and forehead.

“High heavens! I’m sorry. I’m really sorry!”

She seemed to understand my tone of voice, even if the words didn’t reach her. In response, she nodded at me. Strangely, she didn’t seem angry. It’s as if she had already forgiven me. It was an incredibly mature response, so it caught me by surprise.

“That was really stupid of me!” I bowed my head to her.

She nodded again. “Bad.”

“Very bad. I’m sorry.”

“Bad. Sorry.”

Oh! She knew the word ‘sorry’ or maybe she’d just learned it? Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell if she was apologizing or if she was just agreeing with me that I was sorry.

“Sorry. Bad.” I agreed with her, no matter what she was thinking.

She paused while looking at me, then expressed herself further, patting Honey’s neck. “Sorry Honey.”

“Ahh! You’re sorry for hurting Honey?”

“Sorry Honey.”

I pulled out the package of carrots that Cheer had packed into the saddlebags. “Want to give Honey a carrot?”

“NO!”

“Maybe later. Don’t you worry. Honey’s a sweetie.”

“Honey bad.”

Honey flicked an ear back at us. This wasn’t going well. I shouldn’t have brought out the carrots unless she was going to get one.

“All right. You just sit there in the saddle. I’ll lead the way and give Honey a carrot.”

“Sorry?”

“Yeah, I get it. Yes. I’m still sorry.”

Considering what had happened, now my hands were trembling from the guilt and shame of what I'd done. I hadn't meant to hurt the girl!

In any case, Honey was happy to get a carrot. Luckily for Euphemism, Honey didn’t hold long grudges. Once she felt you’d been sufficiently punished, she’d forget the whole incident. Plus, she probably thought the carrot-in-the-eye was some sort of freak accident. After all, it was! Wasn't it?

We continued like that down the road. In fact, we were making good progress despite the rain and the soft ground. The roads this far out were mostly overgrown, so there wasn’t enough dirt to really call it mud.

One big advantage in our trip was that I’d just come this way the day before. I recognized the landmarks, so I knew where to find water, and I knew a good spot to take a break. There were even some hanging trees to give cover from the rain.

Honey could have gone further, but since I knew there were days to go, it was important to take frequent breaks. She needed time to take on water and graze. I also could have gone further myself, but the biggest issue was Euphemism. She’d never ridden a horse before, and I could tell that she was already getting tired.

When I lifted her off the saddle, she gave another pained wince like before. She was wearing low-quality pants hand-woven by serfs. The straw-based cloth was rough and uneven, and was probably scraping the inside of her legs. She didn’t know how to sit in the saddle correctly, and there was no way to explain through the language barrier. I knew that even suggesting the idea was a lost cause, but she’d be more comfortable wearing a skirt.

Obviously, I had to find a solution now. If we kept going like this, her skin would blister or even develop welts. At that point we’d need to worry about bleeding and infection. At this rate, I was worried the Duke would receive my possibly precious cargo at the point of death.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t think of anything to help. My best idea was to carry the girl in my arms like a princess. I didn’t think even that would work. I was strong enough to pull it off, but considering her wet clothing, it would only change which area was being chafed.

I hunkered down beside Honey and sighed loudly. It wasn’t even noon on the first day, and we were already beaten. The only option seemed to be to stop here for a longer rest. I had enough food and other provisions. In fact, the carrots intended for Honey could be repurposed for human consumption. Honey would do just fine eating grass.

“I guess I’ll set up camp. First, we need a fire and …”

I was interrupted by Euphemism letting loose her magic. She was seated on the grass a few feet away, but like before, she’d closed her eyes and clasped her hands together as if she were praying.

The egg-of-light sparkled brightly, just beyond the reach of my hand. If I had leaned forward, I could have touched it. Instead, I drew back. That seemed like the best choice. I didn’t know what she was doing or why. Apparently she had magic to spare? But what purpose did this serve?

The sound of wind matched her hair blowing back and forth. Blowing? It was flying freely around her head as if it had no weight. As if it were dry?

When the glimmering light ended, I stepped closer to confirm my suspicions. Her hair was mussed around from the winds, but otherwise dry and glossy. Her clothes weren't even damp. In fact, the last signs of snot were cleared from her face.

“Fwoof?” She asked.

“Fwoof!” I responded with enthusiasm.

This changed everything. If she could keep her clothes dry, that would make a huge difference. I had a few tight-knit bandages in my supplies. If I could instruct her on applying them to her inner legs, we should be able to travel freely again.

Unfortunately, my enthusiasm was misinterpreted. Apparently, she’d taken my statement as a request. She moved closer to me and the egg-of-light reappeared along with the winds.

“No! No fwoof! No fwoof!” I shouted, but her eyes were closed and it seemed like she couldn’t even hear me.

I stumbled backwards out of the light without being harmed. My hair was blown around, but otherwise, I didn’t see anything different.

She continued for a while before opening her eyes again. Seeing my wild-eyed expression, she pursed her lips and huffed, “Fwoof? Fwoof bad?”

I didn’t really have a sure answer. It had not harmed me. But, at the same time, I didn’t appreciate anything that I didn’t understand. In the end, I gave her a shrug.

“Fwoof Honey?” She offered.

“No! No! No!”