Euphemistically Yours

“Now, you look even more like siblings.”

For some reason, at breakfast, my wife was amused by the matching black eyes on Progress and Grit. Each injury was even on the same side of each face. The bruised color had faded somewhat on Progress, becoming more of a gray. Grit’s was still purple and shiny from swelling. He also had a lump on the back of his head from where the wall had coshed him.

Swift had been warned not to add her own commentary. Emotions were simmering just under the surface, mine included. Instead the two of us were calmly eating our broth, although Swift’s eyes kept straying to the empty plate of sweetcakes that remained on the table.

Nobody had yet mentioned the vacant spot where Eu should be seated. Constance and I had decided that she could eat alone in her room as punishment. At least, that was the story. In actuality, we were more concerned for her own safety were she to call someone “cake face” or “plum eye” as she had last night.

Strangely, once I’d gotten Eu back into her room, she’d settled down and gone right to sleep. The rest of us had been awake most of the night discussing our next steps. Even Swift had some fascinating and insightful suggestions such as, “if you give her more sweetcakes than she can eat, then she won’t try to steal more.”

Once the children were all asleep, with Swift back in Progress’s bed again, I’d relayed the news and advice offered by Brawn. As expected, Constance winced at each revelation. By this point, we had regrets about claiming Eu, but it was far too late to back out now. The damage was already done.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough time in a single day to go to both a horse trader and a scholar. We had to choose one or the other, and the best choice was unclear. Constance had left the verdict to me, since, in her words, “the man of the house needs to make these sorts of decisions.”

Really? In other words, she just wanted someone to blame when everything went inevitably wrong. In that case, I’d do what I wanted to do! I’d go to the horse trader. On second thought, if I did that, she’d claim I was just pleasing myself. So, I should go to the scholar? It wasn't fair! “Arrrgh!”

“Husband? Are you injured?” Constance was using sarcasm to tell me not to make strange sounds at the breakfast table. After all, groaning aloud was a bad example for the children. On the other hand, I WAS hurt! My ribs were aching from where Grit had jabbed me with his sheathed sword. But, I’ve never been one to complain about little things. No! Never! At least, not so obviously.

Regardless, I’d made my decision. “I’ll be taking Eu into town. We’ll need to dress her up again, since she changed into pants at some point during the night.”

“Where will you be going, Father?” offered Grit. “Will you need any help?”

“How about dropping her off at the orphanage?” muttered Progress, but I chose to ignore it.

“I’ll be going to visit a friend of Brawn, a scholar. Perhaps he can help us understand Eu’s cultural differences so we’ll know better how to teach her discipline and self-control.”

All four of them nodded in agreement, although I heard Progress muttering again.

Once I’d made my choice, Constance took charge, gathered my daughters, and then, despite some struggles and screaming in the back rooms, put Eu back into her town dress from yesterday. When the three of them came out carrying Eu between them, she was a limp body in their arms.

Her face had five pink lines stretching from her left cheek, running down to her chin. Apparently, Progress had gotten in one good swipe before Eu had seized her arm and taken control. The scrapes weren’t deep enough to draw much blood, but it was still ugly. On the other hand, she didn’t seem to mind that at all compared to her other concerns.

“Deft, skirt is bad,” Eu whimpered.

“No, you need to wear a dress today. I’m taking you into town again.”

She sighed. “Skirt is bad. Pants later?”

“When we get back home.”

“Fwoof… err… magic now?”

“You can do that outside.”

“Sand?”

“Yes, we still have the bucket from yesterday.”

This was the third time, but her morning routine for making quartz crystals didn’t seem to hurt anything. In fact, I could bring the sand with us to show the process to the scholar. Maybe he’d have some idea what to do next.

Wow! What a great idea! I’m so smart! The feeling of one small accomplishment made me smile.

"Deft is stupid." Eu gave her own commentary, but I laughed it off as a joke.

Since I would be traveling alone with only my “daughter”, I opted to wear my armor and my sword. This close to town, I didn’t expect any trouble, but it’s a father’s duty to protect his family. Worse, since I was relatively wealthy, that made Eu an even bigger target for kidnapping or ransom. Skullduggery like that was rare in the extreme, but I didn’t want my day to end as a cautionary tale.

Once I’d kissed the ears of each one of my family, we were ready to set off. However, this time, Swift moved to kiss Eu’s ears as well. Unexpectedly, Eu responded normally and returned the gesture. I guess she’d seen us go through the ritual enough times, so she knew what to do. On the other hand, Progress stomped out of the room, while Grit looked queasy at the idea of kissing someone new.

Just as we were headed toward the front door, there was an unexpected knock. Since my hand was already on the door handle, I opened the door immediately, giving the visitor a surprise. The way he leaped backwards gave me a chuckle, but it was only a young boy, a page from the castle.

“Free squire Deft. You are summoned to report to the Seneschal. You are expected at the fourth bell at the audience hall in the castle.”

In other words, I was in trouble. I could feel the hairs on my head prickling up in terror. I nodded that I’d heard his message and the page went running off. Then, I turned to face Constance and shrugged. There was no getting out of this one.

Fourth bell would mark the fourth span after sunrise, so I only had a short time to get there. That still left some big open questions. I asked Constance for advice. “What do you think? Should I take Eu with me?”

“You might as well. If you don’t, he’ll just send you back home to fetch her.”

She was right, of course. She usually is. That didn’t make it any easier.

“All right. I suppose we were going into town anyway. Though, we’ll need to change her into better clothing. No sense in thumbing my nose at the Seneschal.”

“Right!” She motioned to our daughters, and they pulled Eu back into the backroom for another round of tortured screaming.

By the time Eu was dressed again and ready, time was running short.

“Sand? Magic?” She whined.

“No time! You can do that when we get back.” Instead, I grabbed her hand and started walking. We needed to move quickly.

“Deft! I need sand magic!”

“Why?”

“Magic is … carrot water. Need to … carrot water.”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

She grumbled at me as we sped along the path toward town. “Magic is carrot water inside. Need… pot. Let it out!”

“You mean you have to let it out? Like into a chamber pot?”

“Yes! Let it out! Sand!”

“Oh, huh… and what happens if you don’t?”

“Bad. BAD!”

“Can you hold it in for a few more bells? We’ll come straight back home again.”

“What is a-few-bells?”

“Until noon… when the sun is straight up.”

She nodded, “I can hold it … for now.”

I took a long look at her face. Fortunately, I’d seen the exact same expression yesterday when she'd denied eating the sweetcakes. Her eyes were tearing up and her lower lip was trembling. In other words, she was lying to me! But, why? About what? And what was the underlying truth?

Regardless, she'd said she could “hold it,” so the situation wasn’t immediately pressing. I could ponder over the meaning later when I didn’t have an emergency breathing down my neck.

Despite my worries, the walk into town in the morning was refreshing. The weather was turning cooler, marking the last week of LowAutumn. This was the laziest season of the year. Soon would come the harvest of MidAutumn, then winter preparations of HighAutumn. It was going to be busy soon, then finally some measure of peace.

The castle stood at the top of the incline in the middle of town, inside the outer walls. That meant that I had to pass through one of the checkpoints. Considering I was a well-known squire, all I needed to do was wave and the guards let me through. At least, that’s normally how it went. Today, Will was on duty again.

“Deft. I was hoping to see you!”

“Oh? Yes, hello Will!”

Apparently, yesterday’s events hadn’t thrown him off too badly. He was still intent on courting Progress? Of course, I couldn’t tell how serious he was. For all I knew, the boy might be courting every young woman in town. If he was actually serious about it, he’d be sending his mother for negotiations instead.

“I fear that I was terribly rude yesterday.” He bowed his head.

“You were surprised. So were we. Think nothing of it.”

Progress had more than a year before she reached her third hand. There was still plenty of time left for young Will to make up his mind. In fact, given my family’s expected loss of status, it was unlikely he’d have much competition.

Unfortunately for us, that meant we’d also have to bargain more dearly. I winced as I considered the size of Progress’s dowry growing. Maybe that’s why Will was still interested despite yesterday’s public scene? In fact, maybe he was waiting to see just how badly things would go for us.

“Has the condition of your daughter, Progress, improved?”

“She is …” I paused. I didn’t know what to say. She looked better, but she was even more surly now. She was likely to snap a certain someone’s head off.

“Progress is carrot water,” supplied that certain someone.

“Carrot water?” Will frowned in confusion.

“Please ignore Eu. She doesn’t know what she’s saying. As for Progress, she is still angry about yesterday. However, her injury is much better now.”

“Your wife said that Progress would appreciate visitors?”

Following Constance’s advice, my best bet was to encourage any contender that I didn’t object to. Will seemed honest and hard working. He had a respectable career. His status was lower than mine, but Progress was a daughter, so that’s how things usually go. Men do their best to marry upwards - it’s simple logic.

“I’m sure they’d all be happy to see you.” I tried not to smile. It was true that Progress would be pleased, but my wife and Swift would be over the moon with giggles.

“Then, I’ll drop by this afternoon.”

Poor boy. I didn’t know whether to give him my pity or cheer him on.