Euphemistically Yours

Our arrival back home meant that I could take a brief moment to rest in the main hall. My wife shooed the three girls off to their rooms and sat down to join me.

“Husband, today did not go well.”

“No kidding!”

“You are right to be concerned, but there will be some growing pains as we adjust.”

“You always wanted more children.” I gave a deep sigh, then winced after I realized what I'd said.

“Mmm…” I could sense the icy prickle in her voice. No matter our wealth or what precautions we took, life was hard. Each pregnancy we’d gone through was a risky endeavor and many children didn’t make it past their first year. After the loss of our most recent son, even though he’d made it past his second birthday, this was not a topic that I should raise.

“I’m sorry. That was ill-spoken.” I hung my head and knelt down to her on the floor to indicate the sincerity of regret after my harsh words.

Her tone shifted. “You’ve had a difficult day. This is not how I expected things to go either.”

“I’m most concerned for Swift. She’s forming a dangerous fascination with Eu’s misbehavior.”

“It is a passing fancy. I can nip that in the bud.” She seemed confident, but I saw her eye twitch.

“I hope you’re right. I wouldn’t want to hear of her wearing pants or poking people in the eye.”

“Do you really think Swift would fall that far?” She laughed.

I paused to consider, “No, but I don’t doubt she’ll learn some bad habits from all of this nonsense.”

“I’ll give her some more time memorizing the scriptures then.”

At this I smirked. “Be careful. You know the old proverb and you know it’s true: the children of a priest are the first to draw the tempter’s eye.”

“Mmm…” She couldn’t deny it. After all, we’d seen it too many times. The children with the strictest education were often the first to fall to their own confidence or pride. Perhaps they thought themselves immune due to their family relationships? Or perhaps they felt trapped by their strict upbringing.

After a moment, I retracted my warning, “Let’s see how things go. I can’t imagine Swift taking it too far. She’s your daughter.”

At this, Constance smiled and patted my arm. “Swift will be fine. If anything, I’m more concerned for Grit and Progress.”

“Ahh… yes.”

“Arranging marriages for them will be difficult now.”

“Grit is a grown man. He’s also turning out to be a fine squire. His horsemanship is impeccable.”

“But his pedigree is now suspect. Would you marry Progress to the son of a squire knowing that his father is a philanderer?”

I couldn’t help but wince. “Maybe we should talk to my aunt for Grit. Some of my cousins have daughters. They wouldn’t mind getting a leg up in the world.”

This produced a scowl. “Husband, while we know that YOU aren’t guilty, I’m not so sure about your cousins.”

That was unfortunately true. My branch of the family held the title and the land. The other branches had become merchants and I’d heard some unsavory rumors.

Unfortunately, our planning was interrupted at that point. I could hear Progress stomping her feet down the hallway toward us in the main room.

“Father, this isn’t fair!”

“Daughter. Speak calmly. What is your concern?” I looked at her injured eye, expecting that to be her complaint. It had indeed swollen up, and changed color from red to purple. Eu’s comparing it to a plum was becoming more and more apt.

However, at least for now, that was not the reason her protest. “Grit has his own room with his own bed. Swift and I share a room and bed of the same size as his. But Eu has a whole room to herself with TWO beds and a RUG!”

“Ahh… you’re right. If she’s not a guest, then we can’t give her a better room than her brother or her sisters.”

“We don’t have another room though,” said my wife. “Our house is only so big.”

The three of us pondered over the dilemma, but Progress already had an idea. “You could move Swift and me into the guest room where Eu is, then Eu could have our prior room.”

That would work, except it wouldn’t. We couldn’t give them a better room than Grit’s because he was male and the heir to the title. If we did that, it would indicate disfavor with him as my successor. I was stuck, so I looked over at Constance for guidance.

Progress saw the look on my face, and proposed another strategy. “How about we move Grit into the guest room? He’s about to come of age. The celebration of his third hand isn’t so far off.”

I nodded along. “Then we could move Progress into Grit’s room and Eu into the current room with Swift. Err... no, no, no! That won’t work!” I shook my head. We’d just discussed our need to isolate Swift from Eu’s antics!

“Why not?” whined Progress. She’d very nearly gotten her heart’s desire - her own room and bed to herself.

My wife ignored her question to present a different idea, “How about putting all three girls into the guest room? Split three ways, it isn’t that big.”

I thought about it, but was left shaking my head again. “Like Progress said, that room has a rug! Not to mention a chest of drawers! Giving that to our daughters would be an insult to Grit.”

“Ah… if that’s the problem, we could move the rug to his room and the chest…” she paused in mid-sentence. His room wasn’t big enough to hold more furniture.

We each fell into silent contemplation. There didn’t seem to be a good solution.

Suddenly, Progress perked up, “Eu could sleep in the stables! It’s where she belongs anyway! After all, she’s not much better than an animal!”

“Progress! I’d expect better of you!” The voice was mine, but I saw the same expression of horror on my wife’s face.

“Well… it’s true! Just look at my eye!” She pointed to it with a finger.

She had a good argument, but if Eu was my daughter, we wouldn’t be keeping her in the stables. Besides, there was a bigger issue. “She may act like an animal now, but if we treat her like one, do you expect her to improve?”

Her gaze fell. “Well, you have to do something! Giving her the guest room isn’t fair!”

“We’ve already agreed with that point. We’re still trying to figure out a good solution.”

Constance raised a finger, “Grit could move to the guest room, Progress could move to Grit’s old room, Eu could move into the girl’s room, and Swift could sleep in our bed with us!”

I felt my hackles rising. If Swift was sleeping in my bed, that would curtail all of our privacy. Our bed might have three warm bodies, but it would be a cold, lonely bed. On top of that, I'd heard that Swift kicked in her sleep. Unfortunately, I couldn’t express that concept right here in front of Progress. Instead, I chose another tack, “Swift is too old for that. Sleeping in her father’s bed at her age? What would our neighbors say?”

After thinking about it, Progress was likewise scandalized, so Constance dropped that proposal.

Once again, we fell into silence as we fished around for ideas.

Eventually, Progress raised her earlier suggestion again. “What was wrong with putting Swift and Eu together? They’re the two youngest daughters. It makes sense.”

I could tell that her real goal was still getting her own room, but she was right. Under any other circumstances, it would be the obvious choice. I couldn’t see another solution. Likewise, I knew that Grit would be pleased to get the guest room. Better yet, he deserved a reward considering how the recent change to our circumstances would ruin his marriage prospects - and possibly the rest of his life.

But there was still the other problem …

My wife looked at me and patted my arm. “More time memorizing scriptures?”

“Right! More time memorizing scriptures.”