Euphemistically Yours

Once it was clear that the whole family acknowledged my authority, I motioned for them each to stand and then stepped forward to address Diligence, the mother. “My name is Deft, in service to the Duke. I’ve been told that you took in a foreign girl.”

She kept her eyes down, in deference to my higher status. “Sir. I must beg forgiveness for my temerity to speak in the place of my dead husband. He was lost while serving as a levy two summers ago.”

I nodded, giving my approval. Once again, I was impressed with the woman’s behavior. She must have been well raised and taught. She was better suited to nobility than many in my wife’s circle of friends.

“My name is Diligence, these are my children, Vigor and Cheer.” She motioned first to her son and then her daughter.

I nodded again, acknowledging each one as they were named.

“And… this is the girl that we sent word about.” She held out a hand toward the last of the group, the strange looking girl-in-pants. That one still had an angry glare for me, but with mud smeared across her pale face, she’d lost her prior aura of impending doom.

I tried my best to keep a smirk off of my face. “The village elder… ahh… Apt … he said that she was a mage?”

“Sir. Yes. That is undoubtedly true. I don’t know what else it could be.”

That didn't go as planned. “What do you mean? Can you explain?”

“Sir. No, I can’t, but I can show you.” She pointed back to the girl, whose attention was switching back and forth between us as we talked.

“You will show me?” I asked Diligence for clarification.

“Sir. Yes. I will!”

Oops. She took my question as a command? I supposed that was still fine. Whatever they were experiencing, apparently she could make it happen again. This seemed like a good plan, so I stepped back to watch.

First, Diligence stepped in front of the girl and waved at her to focus her attention. The girl gave one last scowl at me, then brightened as Diligence started speaking directly to her. “Can you do that thing you do again? Whoosh? Floof? Fwoof!”

“Fwoof?” I heard the girl ask. Her voice was small and squeaky. Furthermore, she had a terrible accent. Not that “fwoof” was a word, but it sounded like she was grinding rocks in the back of her mouth.

Diligence nodded at her and gave a big smile, spreading out her arms. “Fwoof!”

“Fwoof?” The girl pointed at me with a vicious grin. “Fwoof YOU!”

My hand went to the pommel of my sword and I stumbled backwards a step.

“No, no, no! Don’t fwoof him!” Diligence waved her hands around, then pointed at herself. “Fwoof me!”

“Fwoof.” The girl nodded in agreement and pointed at Diligence, “Fwoof you!”

Diligence smiled again and stepped closer to the girl for some reason. In response, the girl closed her eyes and clasped her hands together as if she were praying.

Nothing happened. I watched in growing annoyance. Then, I noticed everyone else moving further away.. Apparently, something had happened in the past?

Suddenly, there was light. I don’t know exactly how to describe it because I’d never seen anything like it before. It looked as if the two of them were contained in an eggshell. All the same, it was mostly transparent, like incredibly clear glass. Except it was glowing white? So many contradictions! Inside, I could see the two of them with their hair blowing back and forth as if they were caught in a gale. I could even hear the rush of wind. Despite all that, not even a breeze reached to where I stood.

It only lasted for a few moments. I blinked and it was gone. But, it had definitely been there! Furthermore, I could see the aftereffects. Both Diligence and the girl’s hair were mussed about wildly. In addition the dirt that had been covering the girl’s face had been wiped off perfectly without a scratch on her skin.

I stood still with my mouth gaping open. A few of the observers gave grunts of amusement.

Diligence turned back to me. “Sir. It is as you see. Is she a mage?”

“Ah… no … err … yes? Yes. Yes! She’s definitely a mage.” After all, what else could it be? She could move the wind, so she must be a mage. As for the egg-of-light, I had no idea. That was just strange. Not even the old tales mentioned something like that.

“Sir. What now? I’d be glad to keep her, but should I?”

“That’s … a good question.” I paused to think while everyone watched me. As a representative of the Duke, I had the authority to make any ordinary decision as necessary. But, I had no idea what he’d want me to do in an extraordinary case like this.

“Sir. My daughter, Cheer, enjoys having a new little sister, but my son and the village headman tell me that a mage should go to serve the Duke.”

I couldn’t help but nod in agreement. What she said was true. A mage is a weapon. A single skilled magician could turn a battle on its head. I’d never faced one or even seen one in war, but it’s said they could crush metal by breathing and blow away flying arrows with a laugh.

Unfortunately, there was a bigger problem. If the girl was dangerous, I didn’t want her anywhere near the Duke. Furthermore, I didn’t like the look she was giving me. It’s like she was sizing me up and deciding where was best to insert the hypothetical knife.

I needed to get more information. “Diligence, where did she come from?”

She pointed at the young man standing with her daughter, “Vigor, my son, found her near the edge of the forest while he was mending our fences. She was hungry, lost, and quite nearly naked. She was wearing mostly mud and leaves. I took her in. It’s only natural to be hospitable to strangers.”

“So you're the one who gave her a shirt and pants?” I asked the critical question off-hand.

“Sir! No! I would never do such a thing!” She blushed deeply and waved her hands about in a panic. I’d just accused her of a pretty significant and immoral crime.

“Then why doesn’t she have a decent outfit?”

“She wouldn’t wear one! When we tried to put a skirt on her, she tore it out of our hands and started screeching like murder.”

“You couldn’t convince her?”

“When she was asleep the first night, I switched the pants she’d chosen for a skirt and then hid the pants in the vegetable storage. That didn’t work either.”

“Why not? What happened?”

“Ahh… well…” Diligence lowered her gaze even further.

When she faltered, the son, Vigor, spoke up, “Sir. Uhh… the fault there is mine. She attacked me and stole my pants.”

“That little girl beat you down and stole your pants?”

“She was quite angry and she fights dirty. Plus… she hit me when I wasn’t expecting it… and…” He trailed off and shuffled his feet.

I tilted my head and gave a look to the girl we were discussing. She responded with her own explanation, “Fwoof! Pants!”

“I see. Ahh… I suppose I can sort that out with the Duke. More importantly, I must ask where she came from. I can’t just say she came from the woods.”

At this, the daughter, Cheer, stepped forward, “I think she came from faerie!”

In other words, she came from a fictitious fantasy land? The other two didn’t have a better explanation, so I sighed. “You didn’t ask her?”

Diligence responded, “Sir, we’ve tried and tried. But she doesn’t understand speech. We’ve managed to teach her a few words, but it’s hard.”

“But, she knows the word ‘pants’. Was that such an important concept?” I gave a chuckle.

“Sir. Yes. As you might imagine, there were several long conversations about clothing and propriety. She also knows the words for dress and skirt.”

“No dress! No skirt! Bad!” The girl growled.

Diligence’s face twisted in embarrassment and shame. “She also knows the words ‘no’ and ‘bad’. She picked up those two pretty quickly.”

“So… to summarize… she’s a foreigner and a mage. You don’t know where she comes from or why she’s here. She’s learned a few words, but she won’t wear proper clothing.”

“Sir. Yes. Should we send her to serve the Duke?”

I looked over at my horse, Honey, and she looked back at me. No help there, but it did help to settle my thoughts. A horse’s view of the world was pretty simple. Despite all that, if it came to a choice, Honey was reasonable and would probably prefer a skirt to pants.

Thinking it through, I realized that I’d missed something obvious. “What’s the girl’s name?”

Silence.

I looked straight at Diligence who was avoiding my gaze.

“You don’t know her name?” I sighed in exasperation.

“Sir. I can’t tell you.”

“You don’t know?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s … ahh…” she whispered something, but I couldn’t hear it.

“Huh?”

“I mustn’t say it.”

I stared at her, but Diligence shook her head. At that point, I guess the strange girl felt like my questioning was threatening Diligence. She stepped between us, snarling like an angry dog.

“I just want to know your name,” I looked down at the girl.

“Name?” She paused in her growling and tilted her head up at me.

Oh! She must know that word too! I pointed at myself, “Name Deft!” Then I pointed at her, “Name you?”

“Sir! No! Please! Don’t!” Diligence objected.

“What’s the problem? I just want to know her name!”

“Name?” The girl pointed at herself with a question in her eyes. Diligence backed away and covered her face.

Suddenly I sensed some new sort of danger. I looked around, but it was just me and the little girl looking up at me.

“Name ***EUPHEMISM*** !”

Except that’s not what the girl said. I heard her name quite clearly, and It’s not fit to repeat. The sound was like a horde of stones crashing together inside her mouth. There were no tones for the vowels and the rest was a jumble of hissing, spitting, and angry consonants. Despite that, I could clearly make out words. The meaning was foul like a cesspool! To explain more accurately, it was a long collection of curses rivaling the worst insults among an unholy coven of furious prostitutes.

This was the little girl’s name? Oh, high heavens!

There was silence. Looking around, I saw Diligence holding her hands over her blushing face. Her son, Vigor, was using his hands to cover his little sister’s ears.

My own ears were burning in embarrassment. How could I fix this? Surely it was a mistake.

“Can I call you Eu?”

“ Name *EUPHEMISM* !” She repeated the same exact phrase as before and then glared at me like I was stupid.

I waved my hands and said something she would understand, “No name! No name!”

She huffed in exasperation and stomped her foot, “Name *EUPHEMISM* !”

I stepped away and waved my hands again.

“That’s her name.” offered Diligence. “We tried to give her a new name, but she wouldn’t accept it. If you keep bothering her about it, she’ll start screeching it out louder.”

There were some chuckles from the people in town, as well as some children who’d appeared to enjoy the spectacle. Apparently this same scene had happened at least once before.

“Well… ahh… hmm…” I didn’t know what to say.

“What should we do? We can keep her here if you want. She’s a good girl. She helps around the house and she’s learning gardening. She’s even tried to help with the cooking.”

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Her name … didn’t really matter. Her origin … didn’t really matter. Her pants … would need to be addressed, but that could be handled later. The important part was her magic. The Duke would want to see it for himself.

“All right. I suppose it’s obvious. I’ll take her to the Duke for a decision. If he doesn’t want her, I suppose I can bring her back.”

At this, the village headman came skipping over. “Will there be a reward?”

Surprised at his sudden approach, I pulled my sword halfway from its sheath, then pushed off Honey when she tried to take a bite out of him. Did the old man not sense how close he was to losing his head or if not, his nose?

Once I’d calmed down, I gave him my best frown. “You want a reward? No. There will be no reward. But, I can pay for your expenses.”

From my pouch, I passed him a silver moon to offset the heavy cost of paper, ink, and the merchant’s favor in delivering the letter. The value of the single coin was generous, a whole month's unskilled labor. I didn’t want to hear any complaints.

He breathed a pleased sigh and backed away. At the same time, I noticed Euphemism’s eyes had turned into deadly pools of fury. Clearly, she liked the headman even less than I did.

Obviously, this was a bad omen. To get back to the seat of the Duchy, there was a six day trip ahead of us. I had no idea what her magic could do. Though, if looks could kill, I’d be dead already.

On the other hand, maybe I could change her opinion?

“Ah … just a moment, Diligence, if there was a reward, it should go to you. You put up a stranger in your house and unknowingly served the Duke with your actions.”

“Oh! Sir. Please, no! I did nothing more than give hospitality to a lost child.”

I ignored Diligence’s protests and pressed two silver moons into her hand. At the same time, I was watching Euphemism’s reaction from the corner of my eye. I could see her brighten immediately and give a pleased nod to herself.

A strong sense of justice? That was a good start. I could work with that.