Chapter 25 – Allena Weaver: Myself [Part 1]
[Allena's POV]:
My name is Allena Weaver… And I just got suspended from Phillerton High School.
I was born with black hair, dark blue eyes, and a pretty decent face. Overall, I’d argue that I was a solid 7/10.
Since childhood, I’ve always roughhoused and played around with boys. It was due to the fact that I was athletic and had a free-spirited nature.
Naturally, I became what people know as a ‘Tomboy’ and I didn’t really think much about it. I still had female friends, but a majority of my time was spent playing sports with the boys during recess.
Though, there was always some sort of barrier between me and my male friends. It felt like they were filtering out what they were saying around me.
Ah… Is it because I’m a girl?
It felt like they imposed an uncrossable line and treated me more like a boyish girl rather than a friend…
It was frustrating… Even though I spent most of my time with them, I always felt left out.
But…
In my 2nd year of middle school, puberty struck me and my body became more feminine. Naturally, random thoughts sprang into my head, and I began to see boys as a romantic interest.
Due to my upbringing as a Tomboy, my transition resembled that one meme, “Sometimes it takes a man to become the best girl”. And to be honest, that phrase deeply resonated with me even though I was a girl.
But I couldn’t bring myself to change my behavior now… Especially since I’ve established myself as a ‘Prince’ at middle school.
And I didn’t particularly hate being a tomboy… After all, it was just a feeling of wanting to be more feminine.
Right now, I don't want to change myself.
Because change felt scary.
So I bottled these complicated feelings of mine in my heart…
And every time I ignored the other side of me that longed to be a girl, my heart would ache.
Until one day…
I stumbled across a free first episode of a Magical Girl series on Utube.
Woah…
The episode started with the female protagonist’s normal life as a high school girl. Suddenly, aliens invaded the Earth and caused havoc. The Earth, which was a sentient planet, bestowed powers onto those with noble hearts in order to defend itself. Which kickstarted the female protagonist’s story as one of the magical girls that would protect earth from alien invasions.
Little did I know, this was the beginning for my hobby of watching multiple series of Magical Girls.
I admired the female protagonist’s mundane life and their persona as a noble magical girl that fought off against aliens or monsters.
Even though I couldn’t relate to the slice-of-life sub-genre as a normal girl. I loved the battle sequences that occurred when they faced off against a threat.
But…
Tug.
That strange feeling occurred in my heart every time a slice-of-life scene popped up.
What is this feeling..?
In one of the Magical Girl series that I watch… There was a scene where the female protagonist is threatened about their identity being leaked out to the world.
I remember that scene in particular…
“I don’t particularly care about hiding my identity.
At the end of the day, I am both a magical girl and a normal high school girl.
But I wouldn’t mind if it were revealed to the world…
After all, both of my identities are the same. My powers and my mundane life are a part of me…
I am myself.”
Tug.
… Ah, is that so?
Using a Magical Girl as an analogy… Being both a tomboy and a normal teenage girl were my identities.
It’s about being true to both of the halves of me.
Right now, I am satisfied with the tomboy part of me, but not the girly side of me.
…
I see.
…
In my 3rd year of middle school, I changed up my style and started interacting with both girls and boys.
I wanted to be true to myself.
Since I liked the cute fashion from those Magical Girl series, I took inspiration and dressed myself up in cute clothing. I even looked up make-up tutorials to make myself look more pretty.
Although this change seemed sudden… No one seemed to mind.
But…
There wasn't any group that I could associate with.
The boys became more sensitive towards me because they claimed that I dressed up as a ‘landmine’ girl. Though, my prior relationship with them is what kept us close as friends.
I also became a bit closer to girls because of my unique sense of fashion. But that was it. I was still distant with them because I still hung out with the boys.
I was simply on the boundary of neither a tomboy nor girl…
I was just…
Me.
‘After all, both of my identities are the same. My powers and my mundane life are a part of me…
I am myself.’
What the hell…
I expected more than this… I was being true to myself, so why wasn’t I happy? Despite satisfying both sides of myself, another feeling arose within my heart…
Loneliness.
Eventually… My relationships deteriorated when I entered High School…
And officially, I was a loner in my sophomore year.
…
But it’s okay… I stayed hopeful for the day when I could relate to someone like me.
Someone who would accept both of the extremities within me: the tomboyish me and the girl side of me.
…
One day… A boy I never talked to before confessed to me at my part-time job at a convenience store.
“The way you dress is cute… Are you free after your shift?”
Hmmm… This person…
What stood out to me were his heterochromia eyes: his left eye was blue, while the other one was orange.
He frequently visits the store to buy some cigarettes and condoms… So it seems like he’s that type of person huh…
He told me his name was Wally Brooks.
And despite the red flags, I decided to go out with him.
Over 2 weeks, I began to understand what sort of person he was. Despite buying questionable items at the store, he seemed like a genuine guy. I heard a lot of his goofy stories at school, and about his frustration about being the class clown. It seems like he trusted me enough to reveal everything about himself to me.
Just like me, he had 2 different identities. One of them was his persona in the classroom, and the other was when he was out of school. Unlike me though, he didn’t live truthfully to both sides of himself; he was the exact opposite of me.
But because of our circumstances, I felt like he and I were on the same page about our struggles.
Though, I felt uncomfortable every time he took a glance at my body… Well, at heart he is still a boy.
But…
I had no romantic feelings for him, and the 2 weeks I spent with him solidified that fact.
When I decided to cut off our relationship, his eyes gazed at me as if he were broken. After that, he never really showed up to the store as much…
However, a week after our break up, when I came back to school I was suddenly pressed by a group of 5 girls.
One of them asked me,
“You selfish bitch… What did you do to Wally?”
…
Hah..?
…
I talked back, “Excuse me..?”