Earth Survival Guide

"Liuzi is a good girl, you better not let her down."

Xin Chen, sniffling and weeping, clutched at Gu Tao's hand, crying like a grandson, and he kept repeating this single sentence, as if he were an old father about to send off his daughter at her wedding, entrusting her to her husband.

"Is his alcohol tolerance really that bad?"

Gu Tao shook off Xin Chen's arm, looking at Liuzi with surprise, while the junior sister merely shrugged indifferently, "I gave him a mix of drinks. His tolerance is poor but he pretends to be crazy; he deserved to get drunk."

This was probably her revenge for the time he tricked her into licking cow dung when they were kids, because even a Sword Immortal, once drunk, will vomit, and wake up with a headache.

Fortunately, Xin Chen's drunken frenzy didn't last long before he slipped under the table and fell asleep, and Gu Tao, while eating a bowl of rice, said to Liuzi, "I think you're actually not gay, it's just that this guy disturbed your perception, causing a deviation in your self-identification."

"I'm not sure..." Liuzi pursed her lips, "but it doesn't matter anymore, it's all in the past, and my senior brother has truly been good to me."

"I don't care about your brother-sister issues." Gu Tao really didn't care, "Even if you were into necrophilia, that's fine."

"That would be a bit disgusting," Liuzi shook her head, "Let's just take him home now."

Gu Tao looked at Xin Chen's 'corpselike' state, spit, then hauled the guy onto his shoulder with some difficulty, "You go pay the bill first."

Liuzi nodded, took her wallet, and left. As soon as she was gone, Xin Chen suddenly sat up, shook off Gu Tao's hand, took over the more than half-eaten bowl of rice he left, mixed it with the vegetable soup, and slurped it all down hungrily.

"Damn, you're not drunk?"

"Me?" Xin Chen adjusted his glasses, "I could soak myself in a vat of alcohol and not get drunk. What did you just say? Liuzi is gay?"

"I'm warning you, if you mess around, I'll really hit you," Gu Tao frowned, "You've ruined her life."

"Actually, I regretted it later, but... it's all set in stone now, nothing can be done. Even my master's wife can't handle her temper, and you have to go see my master's wife this afternoon, please."

"Why should I? What does this have to do with me?"

Xin Chen was about to retort when the sound of footsteps came from outside. He tilted his head and let his arm hang naturally over Gu Tao's shoulder, while Gu Tao kept the same posture as before because if Liuzi found out Xin Chen was feigning drunkenness now, it could lead to an awkward situation.

"My mom just called me, said senior brother was drunk and shouldn't go home alone, asked us to take him to my place," Liuzi said, somewhat helplessly. She glanced at Gu Tao, "Sorry for the trouble."

"Trouble..." Gu Tao sighed, weighing Xin Chen in his hand, "You're not the trouble, this grandson is the trouble."

As they took a taxi with Xin Chen aboard, Liuzi sat in the passenger seat, giving directions to the driver. At this moment, Xin Chen quietly took out his phone and messaged without making a sound, "Find a way to convert Liuzi back, otherwise I can't face the old man."

"Whoever pollutes, cleans up," Gu Tao replied with a line of his own.

"Junior brother, you've seen it, there are some things senior brother really can't do. I'm like her parent; the more I tell her, the more she rebels."

It made sense; Liuzi was only in her early twenties and had quite a distinct personality. Trying to have a paternal figure like Xin Chen correct her could backfire if anything went awry.

And as for Xin Chen... Gu Tao didn't think he was up for the task. This kind of person was fine when it came to fighting and killing, but when it came to finesse emotional scenes, it probably would just get worse.

The car stopped at the entrance to a residential area. Gu Tao, committed to playing his part, helped Xin Chen follow Liuzi to a small duplex with a courtyard. Xin Chen used his fingerprint to open the door, and they were soon greeted by a woman in her forties. She fretted over Xin Chen's condition, scolding Liuzi, "What's wrong with you, always messing with your Chenchen? You're too thoughtless, child."

"Yes, yes, it's always my fault, I'm just like this, okay?" Liuzi retorted with impatience and indignation, "Anyway, I've never been sensible since I was a kid."

"How can you talk like that?"

Seeing the mother and daughter start arguing upon meeting, Gu Tao found himself in an awkward position. After all, he was an outsider, and in such a situation, there's not much to do but stand aside and twist Xin Chen's thigh.

After a bit of arguing, the woman pointed at Liuzi, "Go buy something to sober him up!"

"Am I your daughter, or is he your son?" Liuzi's lip-biting, aggrieved look didn't seem feigned, and even a relative stranger like Gu Tao felt a pang of sympathy for her.

"Both of you! Just go!"

With resentment, Liuzi huffed off on her bike, and as soon as she left, Xin Chen instantly revived. He walked up, draped an arm around his master's wife's shoulder, "Mom... our plan might have to change."

"Ah? What do you mean?"

"Liuzi might be a lesbian."

No sooner had the words left his mouth than Gu Tao covered his face; he could imagine how Liuzi would misinterpret this betrayal, probably with hatred...

"Then... then what do we do?" The master's wife panicked, "Chenchen, do you have a solution?"

"I do," Xin Chen pointed at Gu Tao, "the junior brother I told you about the other day."

The lady of the house turned around and noticed Gu Tao, who had been standing there awkwardly. In that moment, she approached Gu Tao as if clinging to a lifeline, inspecting him from head to toe.

While she was sizing up Gu Tao, he was also observing her. This middle-aged woman looked to be around forty-one or forty-two years old. Just now, Liuzi had mentioned that she was already twenty-three, meaning she must have been eighteen or nineteen when she had Liuzi, and at that time, the old man…

For fuck's sake, that old bull was really grazing on some tender grass. It was also clear from her brows and eyes that she must have been a stunner in her youth, so how on earth did she end up fancying an old geezer? This totally shattered Gu Tao's world view. Furthermore, her demeanor indicated she was well-educated and from a decent background, scenarios beyond Gu Tao's imagination.

"This lad is good, has a clear and bright gaze, a handsome appearance, and looks sharp too—a good child, really good!"

Gu Tao felt a bit awkward with the way the mother-in-law commented on her son-in-law, and besides, if you counted the years, Gu Tao was one hundred and twenty-four years old—far from being a child.

"Come on, come in, don't just stand outside, please, come in."

With Xin Chen's hand in hers, the lady led Gu Tao inside. From behind, Gu Tao took a closer look and noticed that the relationship between Xin Chen and the lady truly resembled that of a mother and son, even down to the sneaky glint in their eyes when they were conning someone.

Except… they were scheming against that girl named Xin Liuzi, their daughter, and sister.

In that moment, Gu Tao felt an inexplicable sorrow for Xin Liuzi; growing up in such a family must have been utterly unfortunate.

"Your name is Gu Tao, right?"

"Yeah." Gu Tao nodded, taking the tea the lady offered: "Thank you."

"What do you think of Liuliu?"

Don't think I don't know what you're up to, still asking how Liuliu is, hypocritical! But if I really had to say, Liuzi's character is indeed pleasant, though a bit hot-tempered, which is totally normal given the strange family she grew up in. Too mild and she'd likely be eaten to the bone.

"Not bad."

"Not bad is good, not bad is good." The lady breathed a sigh of relief: "What do you say I marry Liuliu off to you?"

"I don't have a house."

"I do; after your marriage, this house will be yours."

"I don't have a job."

"No worries, Chenchen will take care of you."

"I'm not ambitious."

"That makes it even easier then, you'll just be loafing around at home with Chenchen, no ambition needed."

"I don't want to get married."

"You both are still young, waiting a couple of years is fine, or maybe you could have a child first."

Overturn the table!

Gu Tao barely restrained himself from flipping the table and kept his head down in silence. He had investigated so many humans, so many households, whether good or bad, he'd seen it all. But he had never before encountered such a middle-aged woman so adamant about getting her daughter married off, like it was some kind of clearance sale, completely disregarding her daughter's feelings, let alone those of a stranger like Gu Tao.

"Liuzi's back!"

Xin Chen, who had been keeping watch by the window, suddenly popped back inside and shoved Gu Tao onto another sofa. He then sprawled out on top and began to snore, and based on his heartbeat and breathing, Gu Tao realized the guy had fallen into deep sleep within three seconds...

Expert indeed...

Liuzi pushed open the door, her anger apparent as she chucked the hangover remedy onto the coffee table and grumpily announced, "I'm going to rest."

"Wait, wait." The lady held back Liuzi: "I've got an activity this afternoon and won't be home. Having Chenchen asleep here and Taotao all alone doesn't seem right. How about you take Taotao out to play? Do you have enough money?"

"Me?" Liuzi paused, "Take him out to play? Mom, you can't be serious?"

"Here's ten thousand—don't come back until it's gone." The lady threw a wad of cash with flair: "Tonight, the two of you can just get a room outside."

"That's not…" Gu Tao coughed, "This doesn't seem like something a mother would say."

Although that remark was quite disrespectful and admittedly made things rather awkward, Gu Tao clearly saw Liuzi sneakily giving him a thumbs-up…

"Well…" The lady paused, realizing her words might not have been appropriate, so she backed down a bit: "Then just go wherever you want to go, and come back at night or not—as long as you two young people go out, that's fine."

"Then I'll take the money kindly." Liuliu pursed her lips, snatched up the cash on the table, and gestured coolly to Gu Tao: "Junior brother, let's go have some fun!"

"Why are you also calling me junior brother…"