Dreams of Stardom (Hollywood SI)

"Get out."

The room froze. Even the crew paused in the midst of adjusting the equipment, their eyes darting between us.

"What?" Jonah blinked.

"I said, 'get out,'" I repeated, slowly and clearly, as if explaining to a five-year-old. "I'm not doing press with you. You think you're clever, hiding your jabs behind jokes, but you're not that smart. Get out and wait for Seth. His interview's in an hour. Chris and I have real work to do."

Then I turned to my assistant. "Benji, get someone to give him another round of media training while he waits for Seth."

Jonah didn't need to be told again; he stormed out of the room without another word.

"You could've handled that better," Benji said with a trace of worry. "What if he refuses to participate in promotions?"

I shrugged. "It won't have much impact. He's a nobody. Still, call his agent. Make it clear: if Jonah doesn't promote the film on our terms, he can forget about any post-release bonus. And media attention? Not even a chance. I'll pull his name from every promotional asset, including posters. And I'll make sure every major studio hears about his behavior."

Benji gave a short nod and pulled out his phone.

"Oh," I added, "make a note to send Christine a gift when she delivers next month."

As Benji stepped out, the interview crew quietly removed Jonah's chair and adjusted the shot to center Chris and me. A few moments later, our next interviewer walked in—this one a sharply dressed man in his forties.

(Break)

"No, I'm not going back in there, Paul!" Jonah snapped from the backseat of his car. "That asshole humiliated me in front of everyone! At least ten people saw him tell me to get out like I was nothing. So yeah...I left."

His agent didn't flinch. "If you don't go back in there right now, you may as well kiss your career goodbye. Troy Armitage is a very powerful man in Hollywood. If he tells studios you're difficult to work with, they'll believe him. You mean nothing to them. He means a lot."

Jonah scoffed. "No one person has that kind of power."

Paul gave him a flat look. "Wrong. All he has to say is, 'If you hire Jonah, I walk.' You think a studio's going to gamble millions for you instead of him?"

Jonah opened his mouth to argue, but nothing came out. No good counter. Just the quiet sound of his pride deflating.

"I don't know where it all went downhill," he muttered. "We got along fine during the shoot…"

"Maybe it was the part where you called him a sourpuss and a nightmare to work with on camera," Paul deadpanned.

Jonah winced. The moment he was out of the interview room, he regretted his words. Initially, he'd thought it would be a harmless jab—air it out in public where Troy couldn't retaliate. Big mistake. Troy had retaliated. Instantly.

"Look," Paul said, resting a firm hand on Jonah's shoulder. "This is your lesson. In this town, there are people you do not cross. Ever. Troy's one of them. You want to fix this? Go back in, smile like it's Christmas morning, and talk about Troy like the sun shines out of his ass."

Jonah still looked unsure.

Paul sighed, then pressed the final button. "You like money, right? Troy gives post-release bonuses—completely outside the contract. He gave everyone on [Little Miss Sunshine] two million dollars."

Jonah blinked. "How the hell do you know that?"

"Alan Arkin's also my client," Paul said.

Jonah groaned, dragging a hand down his face. He closed his eyes for a beat, then opened them slowly. "Fine. I'll go back."

"Good," Paul said, opening the car door. "And don't forget: Troy Armitage is the second coming of Jesus."

(Break)

Rod Meyer looked around curiously. The theater was absolutely jam-packed. It wasn't a proper premiere, but a screening meant for film critics and other media professionals.

"What do you think?" asked the woman sitting beside him, Jane. "Will this be another failure from Troy Armitage like [Disturbia]?"

Rod had first met Jane at the premiere of the same movie she was now criticizing, and even then, he'd felt her views were a little extreme. To some extent, he suspected her opinions had influenced his review of the movie, because when he watched the film again a month later, he actually enjoyed it.

And now, he was unlucky enough to be seated next to her again.

He shrugged in response. "Was it, though? The film made more than $200 million globally. Calling it a failure shows your short-sightedness."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Not everything is about money, is it? The film has to mean something beyond that. By your logic, [Wild Hogs] was also a great film because it made even more money than [Disturbia]."

Rod cringed at the thought. He'd been unfortunate enough to be forced to watch that abhorrent film. He hated it so much he'd given it zero stars out of five.

"You're missing one important thing here," he said. "While Troy was credited as a producer on [Disturbia], that film was more or less a studio production. [Superbad] was produced under Troy's own film banner, not Paramount."

"He didn't direct it himself," Jane countered. "Don't forget, this is a sex comedy like [American Pie]. I saw the trailer, and…" She shook her head. "Let's just say I don't have a lot of expectations from this film."

Rod decided not to say anything else. It was clear Jane was here to spread negativity, just like last time.

Luckily, the lights in the theater dimmed just then.

After some really cool opening credits, where silhouettes of Troy and his two male co-stars danced in the background, the movie finally began.

The fat guy, Seth—played by Jonah Hill—is driving his car over to Evan's place, played by Troy Armitage. And the topic they're discussing is quite interesting: porn.

"I'm sick of all this amateur stuff," Seth says. "If I'm paying top dollar, I want a little production value."

"Well, I'm sorry the Coen Brothers don't direct the porn you like to watch," Troy—as Evan—replies with deadpan brilliance. "They're hard to get a hold of, okay?"

As soon as he said that, Rod couldn't control his laughter. It helped that Troy's delivery elevated the humor even further. He wasn't alone—the entire theater was chortling like crazy.

Even the woman sitting beside him.

The hilarity continued as the boys talked about porn websites and how to choose the least dirty one so their parents wouldn't get suspicious.

"How about Perfect 10?" Evan asked. "It could be a bowling website, for all we know."

"Nah," Seth shook his head, "they don't show the dick going in, which is a huge concern. Plus, have you seen a vagina by itself?" He shook his head. "Not for me."

Evan gave him a deadpan look before saying, "Why don't you go for Raging Sword?"

"Which site is that?" Seth asked. "That does sound pretty tame."

"You won't see any vaginas there. At all."

It took a few moments for Seth to get the joke, and by that time, the audience was already howling with laughter.

The duo of Seth and Evan was simply too funny.

"You'll have sex in college. Everyone does," Evan said in a convenience store.

"But the point is to be good at sex by the time you get to college. You don't want girls thinking you suck dick at fucking pussy."

Evan gave him a mischievous look. "Or you could just suck dick, since you hate vagina so much."

"Fuck you!"

The movie shifts to the high school the two guys attend, where Evan has a crush on Becca, played by Anna Kendrick, while Seth wants to get with Jules, played by a newcomer, Jennifer Lawrence.

It's obvious that Seth and Evan are isolated from the rest of their peers because they're 'uncool' and never invited to any high school parties—but they don't need anyone else, because they have each other. Now, they just need the girls.

"I hate Becca!" Seth announced.

"Why?" Evan asked.

Seth closed his eyes and said reluctantly, "Fine, Evan, here it comes. When I was a little kid, I had a little problem. It wasn't even a big deal, somewhere around 8% of kids do it or whatever."

"What was it?"

Seth took a deep breath before saying, "For some reason, I don't know why, I would just sit around all day… and draw pictures of dicks."

Evan gave him a disbelieving look. "Like a man-dick?"

"Yeah, like a man-dick."

"Hahaha! Oh my God! Hahaha!" Evan started laughing uproariously, and the laughter was echoed all across the hall. "Now it makes sense why you hate the vag so much!"

"Shut up, Evan," Seth grumbled. "Do you want to hear the full story or not?"

He quietened before miming zipping his lips. "Go on then. What did Becca do?"

The story that followed was crass, yet immensely hilarious—where Becca found one of the dick drawings and showed it to a teacher. It probably wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, but it was funny as fuck for Rod.

When Jules asked Seth to buy them alcohol, he readily agreed and asked their third friend, Fogell, to do it because he had recently gotten a fake ID. Only the fake ID was not… as good.

"McLovin?" Evan asked incredulously. "You changed your name to McLovin? What kind of stupid name is that? Are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?"

Rod had to say—Troy's comic timing was absolutely brilliant. Who would've thought that the boy known for his intense dramatic performances would make such a great comedian?

And then came one of the best scenes of the movie. McLovin actually managed to buy alcohol for the party using his fake ID. He successfully fooled the cashier into believing he was older, and just as he was about to pay for it… he got punched in the face when a man came in and robbed the liquor store.

To take the scene even further, the comedic geniuses Seth Rogen and Bill Hader entered as policemen investigating the crime.

Seeing them there, Evan and Seth ran from the scene, thinking Fogell had gotten busted—right when Seth got hit by a reversing car. Since Fogell had all their money, they blackmailed the man who hit Seth into giving them $100 to cover the alcohol that was probably lost.

The broke man, who had an arrest warrant against his name, agreed to get them alcohol at a party instead.

Seth and Evan went with him to the party, where Jules called Seth. Since the music was too loud, he went upstairs to take the call after telling Evan to get some drinks. He did—but a girl ended up dancing with him rather intimately.

One thing led to another, and Troy as Evan ended up getting a period stain on his pant leg.

One moment, he was perfectly normal. "Why would I be bleeding?"

And then realization hit him all at once. As soon as it did, Rod couldn't control his laughter. He laughed so hard he wasn't even able to enjoy the following scene. And it wasn't just him. Throughout the theater, everyone had gone absolutely insane after that scene. Even prim and proper Jane beside him, who had done nothing but criticize the idea of a sex comedy, was unable to contain her laughter.

"I don't even care about the ending," Rod said between fits of laughter. "I'm giving this film a full five stars just for this scene."

Back with the policemen, Fogell was having the time of his life, riding around in the police car, jumping red lights, catching criminals, and drinking beer. But finally, his life came crashing back to reality when Seth Rogen, the policeman, accidentally rammed his car into Seth, the teenager. To hide their mistake, they tried to arrest them, but the three teenagers ran away.

They had all the alcohol that Fogell had gotten, plus the alcohol Seth and Evan had stolen from the other party. When they reached Jules' party, they were welcomed like kings, and finally, all three guys got what they wanted: girls.

Fogell with Nikola, Evan with Becca, and Seth with Jules. Fogell was the only one who got some for real, but the party was interrupted by his two police friends, who escorted him away like a criminal to give him some street cred.

Evan, being the good guy, grew a conscience and said no because they were drunk. Becca ended up puking beside him.

Seth, on the other hand, was simply pathetic. He made a move on Jules, thinking she must be drunk, but she wasn't, only for her to reassure him that things were still possible between them, just not now. It was only then that Seth accidentally headbutted her in the nose, and passed out in the backyard.

"What the fuck!" Jules cried out, summing up the scene.

The rest of the movie slowed down a bit to tie up all loose ends. Seth and Evan accepted that they had to move on to different colleges. Fogell got to shoot a real gun, and finally, the two boys ran into their lady loves at the mall and escorted them to get what they wanted.

The movie ended on a hopeful note that things would be good between them all.

Rod liked this ending a lot. Usually, movies like this end up becoming caricatures about sex where everyone loses their virginities, but here, the two main characters didn't even have sex, and it gave a good message: a wholesome relationship is always more important than meaningless sex.

When everyone stopped clapping for a well-made film, Rod turned to the woman beside him and asked, "Still think it was bad?"

She snorted, "It was [Superbad]. But I loved it."

_____________________________

AN: Do watch Superbad if you haven't. It's a great movie.

Visit my Pat reon to read ahead, or check out my second Hollywood story set in the 80s.

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