Dissonant

“No dream…”

I woke up the next morning out of a clear, dreamless sleep. A glance out of the open window showed how long I had slept in. The sun was high in the sky, and the sounds of people training and sparring could easily be heard, even when I hadn’t transformed.

I stretched my arms out, slowly lifting myself upright until I was sitting on the couch I had slept on. Colette sat just across from me in her usual chair, still sewing the same fabrics and thread she’d had yesterday. She was the one that opened the window, then… Maybe I should’ve warned her to keep it closed in case I transformed in my sleep.

She glanced up from her work for a moment. “There’s a little bit of bread in the kitchen, if you want something to eat.”

So she had some of the oats, too. If she had bread, one of the other villagers must have crushed it into oatmeal for her to bake.

“Thanks,” I nodded, stretching my legs as I wandered off to the kitchen.

What was my plan for today? Karla knew I was here, so she was likely to come and fetch me for training at some point today. I had no idea when, though. If I transformed before I got to the forest, I’d have to sneak through the village hoping that no one spotted me.

Although, I still had the cloak that Karla had lent me. It was a little worn, but if I played it safe, I’d be able to hide my ears and tail... from a distance, at least. If anyone came up close, hiding my changes would become a lot more difficult.

In any case, not knowing when I was going to transform was starting to become a real problem. Ideally, I’d want to head back home at some point, so I could fetch the flask and journal out of my room. If my father was home, though, I’d need to go while I wasn’t transformed.

With how much I looked like Fenne, if I transformed right in front of him…

I suddenly wobbled on my feet, stumbling slightly as I tried to regain my balance. 

That was an early transformation. The familiar shifting of my sense of balance, the louder sounds from outside, and the dangling feeling from the tail attached to my lower back… I was surprised at how used to it all I had gotten.

Finishing the bread roll that Colette had left out, I wandered back to the main room, unsure of what to do while I waited for Karla to arrive. Colette glanced up from the box she was rummaging through, before her eyes widened and then flicked towards the nearby window.

“...Should I close the window?” she asked.

“I’ll do it.”

We were much closer to the centre of the village here, compared to my house. As I reached out to grab the shutter, I listened for a moment to the sounds of training. 

From what I could hear, it seemed like a sparring match was going on in the village centre between one of the mercenaries and one of the villagers. I couldn’t recognise who it was in between the shouting from the spectators, but it didn’t seem like either Alvin or Karla were participants.

...After training with them for a few days, I had gotten used to the ways the two of them moved, the patterns of their footsteps and the rhythm of their breathing. Just how sensitive were my ears?

I pulled the shutter closed, turning back towards Colette. There was a question I had forgotten to ask yesterday.

“Hey, Colette…” I sat back down on the couch. “...Who’s Triss?”

She paused, setting the box of fabrics aside and sitting back in her chair.

“Triss was…” she began, staring at the closed window. “Fenne used to talk to me about the daughter she wanted. She often said that Alvin took after your father and spent most of his time with him, so she felt a little lonely.”

Was Colette… crying? I… I had made her cry again.

“When Fenne was finally with child,” she continued, wiping her eyes, “she was so excited. Fenne would talk for ages about the baby girl that she wanted, the things they would do together, and that her name would be… Triss.”

“But instead, I ended up being born, and my mother had to leave the village.”

So those two things were… connected? Did she have to leave the village… because of me?

“I’m sorry, I…” Colette pulled a small piece of fabric from her pocket, dabbing at her eyes with it. “Dear, don’t blame yourself for that. You hear?” She sniffed. “It wasn’t like that.”

It was another moment before she continued, somewhat hurriedly, “Anyway... You look so much like her when she was younger, and I ended up remembering that story when I saw you. That was why I asked if your name was Triss. That was all.”

With how… defensive Colette seemed, I… honestly wasn’t sure if the two were truly unrelated, as she said. My mother having to leave the village, and… me being born.

If I was born a girl, like I was in this form, would I have ended up being named Triss? And then… would my mother not have left?

“She didn’t have… ears and a tail, like you do,” Colette added, her voice shaking slightly, “but you two look so similar.”

...I wished I had been born a girl.

Even if… my being born a boy really wasn’t related to my mother leaving the village, it would’ve just been… easier. Being a girl named Triss… Well, when I was in this form, I was a girl, at least. I didn’t have a name like… Triss, though.

…Did I need a new name, while I was in this form?

Names weren’t something I had thought about before, with regards to the way I had been transforming back and forth. It honestly seemed like one of those things I had to just… deal with.

But Matthias was very clearly a boy’s name. Matty too, it sounded quite masculine. It didn’t fit this body at all. And I had been spending a lot more time like this… and slowly getting more and more comfortable with it.

Was it… okay for me to take a different name? The more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want this form to be associated with my old name… with “Matty”. If I didn’t have to be called “Matty” in this form…

“H-hey, Colette,” I began, my heart pounding in my chest and my breathing ragged with nervousness. Was it really okay for me to… “Could you… call me Triss?”

“Hm?” Her eyes went wide for a moment.

“I-it’s just… in this form, I’m a girl,” I hastily added, “and… from what you said, if I was born a girl, I would’ve been called Triss, so…”

“Oh, honey…” Colette stood up, shakily walking over and sitting next to me on the couch. “It’s okay. You don’t have to be scared about asking something like that.”

As I shrunk back into the seat of the couch, Colette reached out, softly patting my leg.

“You don’t have to feel you need to… take on that name. You can ask to be called the name you—”

“No, I—” I interjected, trying to steady my breathing. “I-I want that name. I… It sounds… I-I like it, but is that… okay?”

“Of course it is.” Colette leaned towards me, a few tears running down her cheeks again. She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. “Of course it is… Triss.”

The moment she said that name, a wave of pleasant, comforting warmth shuddered through me. I didn’t push her away as I usually did, instead just letting myself relax as all of the tension left my body all at once. “Triss,” I repeated. 

How could a simple name have this much effect? It felt like a soft blanket, wrapping around me and keeping me safe from the harsh, unforgiving outside world. I rested my head against Colette’s shoulder, a few slight tears springing into the corners of my eyes.

“My name is… Triss.”

*     *     *     *     *

I hadn’t ever... really... hugged someone like this before. Not ever for this long and not ever this tightly. I’d been given hugs a couple times, for just a moment or two, but I’d never been comfortable in them and... after just a little bit, I’d always pulled away. Today was… different, though. Even with the way Colette was acting earlier, almost as if she’d been hiding things from me... I found that I still trusted her. More than anyone. And I felt comfortable in her arms — comfortable being Triss.

For the first time in a long while, longer than I could remember… I felt safe.

I let myself sink into her embrace for what felt like hours, wishing I could stay there forever. Eventually, though, Colette pulled away, wiping the tears from her cheeks. 

“Are you okay, dear?” she asked, worried wrinkles across her face.

I nodded. “I... should probably get ready. Karla will be here soon.”

“Karla? Is that... the mercenary woman? From last night?”

I nodded again.

“Well... Triss,” Colette said, slowly standing up from the couch. “I... might have something for you. You haven’t... had that body for very long, right? Do you have any clothes that fit, yet?”

Clothes?

“N-no.” I hadn’t even thought about clothes. My current outfit was just a touch too big now, but it still mostly fit me. The fabric was a little coarse, though, and whenever I moved too fast during training, something felt… uncomfortable on my chest.

Colette walked over to the box she had set aside just earlier. “This has a lot of Fenne’s old clothes in it.” She beckoned me to come closer.

“My mother’s… old clothes?”

“Elias left it with me after your mother disappeared. I’ve held onto it, in case she ever came back, but at this point I don’t know when that would happen.”

The idea of it seemed a little embarrassing, but it made sense to find some girl’s clothes. Given how sudden my transformations were, having clothes that… properly fit this body would be useful. Especially in the times where I wasn’t able to transform back, like last night.

Although, now that I had a name… not being able to transform back sounded somewhat appealing. I wouldn’t have to deal with the weird prickling I always felt, whenever I saw my old body in the mirror. I wouldn’t have to deal with being mocked for being scrawny, I wouldn’t have to deal with the expectations that Elias set on me because I was a boy.

I could just be… me.

Though I’d… probably have to leave the village if that ever happened. I didn’t know for sure how people would react, but… I felt like the only safe place in the village for me would be here, at Colette’s house.

Two loud knocks resounded from the front door. Was that Karla already? This was earlier than I expected her to come and pick me up for training. 

“I’ll get the door,” Colette said, slowly making her way over towards it. 

If it wasn’t Karla, was there somewhere I could hide? I didn’t want the other villagers seeing me, just in case they reacted badly, so I had to hope that Colette wouldn’t let anyone else in.

She’d said I’d be safe here, so I just had to trust her.

“Heya!” Karla’s loud voice echoed down the corridor, setting me at ease. So it was her.

She arrived soon after, trailing just behind as Colette led her to the front room.

“Hello,” I waved, setting aside one of the pieces of clothing that I had picked up from the box. Karla was safe, at least. She was a girl too, so maybe I could ask her to help me go through the clothes in this box. She’d probably know what clothes would be comfortable and easy to move in.

“Hey Matty, you ready to go train?”

...Why did that feel so wrong?