Dirty Switch

“Um, hyung.”

“What is it?”
“I’m sorry… it’s just, I—it kind of hurts.”
“Huh?”

“Y-you’re pulling on my clothes a little hard, so…”
So it hurts.
The last part barely made it past his lips, almost inaudible, but the two of them were standing close enough that Seo Baekhan had probably heard him clearly.

Close enough to realize, perhaps, that Taehyun must have gone through his last rut without a partner—and thus, hadn’t adjusted his suppressant dosage.
“…Really?”
But Baekhan looked genuinely startled by Taehyun’s comment.

“…Did I? I’m sorry.”
His response was surprisingly shaken.
Taehyun was caught completely off guard. Had he accidentally come off angry? No, he’d simply said that it hurt because Baekhan was tugging a little too hard. Had he raised his voice? No, he’d mumbled it, almost inaudibly. Then why was Baekhan so rattled? ✪ Nоvеlіgһt ✪ (Official version) Taehyun couldn’t remember ever seeing him this flustered… Had he said something wrong?

“...I guess I was thinking about something and didn’t realize. I didn’t control my strength properly. Sorry.”
“Hyung…”
“Taehyun-ah, I need to rest a bit. I’ll see you later.”

“Wait, hyung—ah!”
Instinctively, Taehyun reached out to grab Baekhan’s sleeve—but Baekhan reacted reflexively, twisting Taehyun’s wrist in a tight grip. So tight, it knocked the breath from his lungs.
It seemed to have startled Baekhan too. His eyes widened slightly.

“S-sorry.”
Even though it was Baekhan who had hurt him, the apology came out of Taehyun’s mouth. Baekhan closed his eyes, as if swallowing something down, then reopened them.
“I’m sorry. I’m just tired. I made a mistake. I’ll see you later.”
And with a short sigh through his nose, he turned away.

Taehyun opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Of course he had no choice. As always, all he could do was watch Seo Baekhan walk away.
Whenever Baekhan said “See you later” or “I’ll catch you next time,” they never actually met again. Maybe others had different experiences, but to Taehyun, it had always been that way. He wasn’t a friend, wasn’t someone close. He was just a kid—too young to be a peer, but someone who occasionally showed up. That’s all he was to Baekhan.
And yet, for the first time, Baekhan had shown a crack in front of him. Their relationship was still defined by polite distance, but for the first time, Baekhan had lost control of his emotions—in front of him.

Usually, seeing someone you like falter like that should make you feel worried. But Taehyun, who had spent years blindly following Baekhan’s shadow, couldn’t help feeling… happy.
Excited, even. Because it felt like, in some small way, Baekhan had let him in.
He knew how disciplined Baekhan was, how strict he was with himself. That made it all the more stirring.

“Hyung!”
Taehyun began following the trace of Baekhan’s scent. His footsteps, once slow and careful, turned into a soft jog. It hadn’t been long since Baekhan left, but somehow the distance between them had already grown.
“…Baekhan-hyung!”

Panting, Taehyun called out. Baekhan turned around, looking mildly surprised. His face was as composed as ever. His tie, loosened earlier, was now neatly knotted again. Even the once-frantic scent of his pheromones had settled.
He had returned to being the perfect Seo Baekhan.
“Uh, I… I…”

Taehyun bent over slightly, hands on his knees, catching his breath.
He had to say it now.
Baekhan would be returning to the U.S. soon. There were no big Haechi events coming up. This was his only chance to look Baekhan in the eye and say he had decided to become his junior—to say he wanted to walk the same path.

“Hyung, I—”
Congrats. Work hard. Ask me about good restaurants in Pyongyang.
He knew the words Baekhan would say. Predictable, generic encouragements. But even that would be enough, as long as he heard them directly.

And yet—
“I like you. I’ve liked you.”
What…?

The words that spilled out had nothing to do with what he’d practiced dozens of times.
“I… I liked you, hyung.”
It was the phrase he’d swallowed a thousand, ten thousand times. The words he’d sworn never to say aloud suddenly erupted from his mouth.

“I…”
The dizzying rush from moments ago began to fade. His shallow, panting breaths grew quiet, and somewhere in the background, he could hear the faint sound of a Christmas carol playing.
Taehyun blinked, stunned by what he’d just done.

Wait… Did I just… Did I just tell Seo Baekhan that I like him?
“Um, what I meant was—”
Seo Baekhan didn’t react at all. He just stood there, staring at him. As if to say: Okay. I’ve heard your bullshit. Now what?

Was he even waiting for an explanation? His expression was cold, indifferent—the same one he wore whenever someone confessed under false pretenses and dumped emotional garbage on him.
And of all places—it had to be here, in front of the bulletin board. One of the infamous confession spots.
“I…”

Taehyun squeezed his eyes shut.
How could I be so thoughtless? He’d heard every word of that earlier confession. He knew how much it had exhausted Baekhan, how irritated it had made him. He’d seen Baekhan slip, for once, and lose his composure.
And yet—because it had been him, because he’d shown him that side—Taehyun had gotten giddy, overwhelmed with joy… and selfishly blurted out his own feelings.

It was shameful. How was that any different from the girl who’d offered to be his rut partner?
“I just… I just wanted you to know, that’s all.”
Even as he spoke, Taehyun tried to freeze his face into something neutral. He wanted to look like someone who had no regrets. Like someone who had already moved on. Like it didn’t matter anymore.

It was pathetic. That he’d lost control like this. That he’d ruined his one chance to maybe get closer. That he—who loved Baekhan so deeply—had been the one to shove his mood down into the mud.
“…Ah. I see.”
After what felt like a lifetime of silence, Seo Baekhan finally spoke.

It was the same response he gave everyone who confessed to him.
Polite, bland, and utterly devoid of emotion.
That was when Taehyun finally broke.

God, he thought. I really let myself hope, didn’t I?
I said I knew I didn’t stand a chance, but deep down, I thought—maybe—if I confessed sincerely, maybe he’d acknowledge it, even just a little…
“Taehyun-ah. How old are you again?”

“…Seventeen.”
“Seventeen…”
Taehyun felt like his heart had shattered into pieces—but he couldn’t even gather them back up. He just stood there, chest in tatters, barely managing to stay upright.

It might’ve been better if Baekhan had gotten angry. If he’d said, Don’t you know I like women?
Taehyun knew how many times Baekhan had gone through this, year after year. He knew how exhausting these moments were. But still, drunk on his own feelings, he hadn’t been able to consider Baekhan’s perspective.
And I dared to talk about going to Pyongyang University for him? About doing something for carriers?
What a joke.
All I was doing was looking for a chance to worm my way into his life again.

Taehyun mocked himself. It was the only way to survive this.
“…Do I have to give you an answer right now?”
“Wha—? No. Of course not. Absolutely not.”

He denied it instinctively, heart pounding—and then realized it was the exact same phrase Baekhan had used to reject others. Word for word.
Maybe just hearing the same response those others had received… Maybe that alone should’ve been enough.
“I’m going abroad. For school. I just… I probably won’t be back for a while. So I thought I should say it. Once.”

That wasn’t true.
He’d wrestled with the decision until just before coming here. He’d chosen Pyongyang University because he wanted to follow Baekhan. Because hearing ignorant people spout nonsense about carriers had made him certain.
But the words he truly wanted to say never made it out. Instead, he rambled—making excuses for a confession no one had asked for.

Baekhan listened silently, then flicked his gaze toward the watch on his wrist. As if to say: Haven’t I given you enough time?
So that’s it. It’s really over.
Taehyun felt it down to his bones.

Just like the many others who had thrown their feelings at Baekhan like a crumpled receipt, he had to let go now too. Let this pitiful love end.
“You’re going to London, right? Study hard. Let me know when you’re back in Korea. I’ll buy you something good to eat.”