Delusive Fate

#087

Anxiety was Ki Baek-woo’s chronic illness. He often felt the pressure of standing before a blade. His emotions weighed on his lungs, making it hard to breathe.

Inside Ki Baek-woo was a steep cliff. Standing there and looking down, he saw an unfathomable darkness rippling below. From this hellish darkness, anxiety was crawling up like a demon. Ki Baek-woo knew the reason this cliff had formed. The ground he would eventually reach if he fell from this place. It was Lee Han-sol’s heart.

The precipitous quagmire was created from the fact that Ki Baek-woo and Lee Han-sol’s hearts were not the same. When two hearts with different mass, volume, and desperation were put together, an inevitable gap was created. Although Lee Han-sol might not admit it, the two were fundamentally different. Ki Baek-woo needed Lee Han-sol. He wanted not just any person, but the irreplaceable Lee Han-sol. It was like a newly sprouted seedling needing water.

‘But hyung… isn’t to that extent.’

Just as water doesn’t need a new sprout… Therefore, Ki Baek-woo knew best himself. As long as what he desired was Lee Han-sol, he would never be free from anxiety.

‘Since it can’t be helped, I can only endure as best as I can….’

It wasn’t anything new. After all, Ki Baek-woo and Lee Han-sol had never been equal, not even once. Ki Baek-woo was always enduring. If Lee Han-sol heard such words, he would surely jump up and down, asking why Ki Baek-woo was slandering him. But this was a clear fact, and Lee Han-sol’s ignorance of this proved the power he held. Ki Baek-woo was always this anxious. Afraid that Lee Han-sol might realize he was a free bird that could go anywhere. Afraid that he might then spread his wings and fly away somewhere as if he had been waiting for this…

The gap between needing someone and knowing that you’re needed.

The discrepancy between it having to be Lee Han-sol and it not mattering if it wasn’t Ki Baek-woo.

This was why Ki Baek-woo had been always trying so hard for some time now. He thought of only one thing.

‘Hyung must not know. Only I should know. Absolutely… he must not realize…’

When the Annihilation first appeared, destroying the streets. At that moment when everything, including time, was closely tied to survival, the two happened to be together. This is why Lee Han-sol came to think of Ki Baek-woo as special. Because it was just the two of them in that urgent moment when their hearts felt like they would burst. Because Ki Baek-woo’s warmth filled Lee Han-sol’s embrace as he was gripped by the primal instinct of not wanting to die. A ten-year-old child, immature and naive, frightened by strange monsters and unfamiliar situations. Because at that moment, the only familiar thing to Lee Han-sol was Ki Baek-woo… These facts combined to make Lee Han-sol fall into a big misunderstanding.

The auditorium full of strangers… these people might be the strange monsters he had just seen in disguise. The cartoon movie he had watched recently flashed quickly through Lee Han-sol’s mind. There too, villains disguised as ordinary people had ambushed the protagonist. So I need to be alert. The only one I can be sure is not a monster here is Baek-woo.

Therefore, from now on, the only ‘person’ left in my life is Ki Baek-woo. From now on, I can only feel at ease in front of Ki Baek-woo and only lean on Ki Baek-woo emotionally. To survive, I need to be with Ki Baek-woo. Then, how special and great is Ki Baek-woo to me? I must treat him preciously. I must protect this child no matter what.

Lee Han-sol, who was too young, was hasty and vulnerable to misjudgment. There were no adults to correct him as he became buried in his own judgment. He was like a flea that had willingly entered a glass bottle. In fact, Lee Han-sol… only needed a splint to keep from falling.

What Lee Han-sol needed was just a cause to draw strength from, a goal to live for until the end without dying. Because that would allow him to survive longer without easily tiring. It was simply his chosen method of survival, and as long as it served as a means, it wouldn’t have mattered if it wasn’t Ki Baek-woo. Of course, he probably wouldn’t readily admit this… In any case, Lee Han-sol would have probably been fine even if it was a small stray cat or dog instead of a person. Unlike Ki Baek-woo, who needed Lee Han-sol.

‘So hyung must not know freedom. I’m sorry, but… even though I disgust myself, I have no choice. I have to do my best…’

That was Ki Baek-woo’s goal.

At first, he thought it would only be good.

One day when he was five, after seeing Lee Han-sol who looked even more like sunshine in his yellow clothes, Ki Baek-woo thought about him constantly. Until he turned six, and then seven, he followed behind him, admiring him to the point of sorrow. Lee Han-sol was the first person Ki Baek-woo wanted to become close to.

Before meeting Lee Han-sol, Ki Baek-woo couldn’t understand why children he first met at daycare or the playground would cry and throw tantrums, wanting to play with him. He disliked and was so annoyed by them that he thought, ‘Does becoming close mean they want to bully me?’ and ‘I hate friends… Friends are noisy, cry, have dirty runny noses, and make everything dark…’

However, when he saw Lee Han-sol running towards him with a bright smile, when he felt Lee Han-sol shining like a small sun, Ki Baek-woo was able to understand those playground kids for the first time. If they felt like this, maybe it was possible. Ki Baek-woo wanted to get closer to Lee Han-sol. He thought that if they became the closest of friends, it would probably feel really good.

But things didn’t go as planned.

“Mom…”

“Hm? Baek-woo, why are you back already? Didn’t you just go out to play with Han-sol hyung?”

“Well, you see… Mom… Why does Han-sol hyung keep hanging out with friends…? I…”

I like Han-sol hyung the most, I don’t like other kids except Han-sol hyung, why isn’t it the same for him?

From age five, six, and until he turned seven. Ki Baek-woo was often depressed. The problem was that Lee Han-sol didn’t shine only in front of Ki Baek-woo. Lee Han-sol, who seemed likable even to the extremely picky Ki Baek-woo, naturally appeared so to everyone else. Unlike his impression that suggested he might not respond if spoken to, he was a lively, affectionate, and lovable child. His brightly smiling face sparkled and made others happy, and he smiled easily, making it impossible to want to leave his side.

It wasn’t that Ki Baek-woo had some special qualification to recognize Lee Han-sol’s radiance. Lee Han-sol was special on his own, and Ki Baek-woo was just one of the utterly ordinary people gathered around him. Lee Han-sol, who was like sunshine, was equal to everyone like the sun. Ki Baek-woo couldn’t readily accept that he was just one of Lee Han-sol’s ‘everyone’. He was still too young and clumsy for that. Unable to give up on the first fondness he had felt, Ki Baek-woo continually tried. Although it was frustrating when things didn’t go his way, he endured and gathered courage.

“H-Han-sol hyung.”

“Oh! Hi, Baek-woo. What are you doing in front of our house?”

“Um, hyung, do you want to come to our house today?”

“Your house? Why? I have to go to taekwondo later. Power Taekwondo. The instructor’s name is Yong Jae-yong, 27 years old.”

“B-Before later… You can come now, right? My dad bought a lot of ice cream yesterday… Let’s eat it together at my house, you and me… Okay?”

“Hmm. Ice cream sounds delicious. But I can’t right now. Actually, I have to go have a kickboard battle with the kids. I’ll come to your house later, save some ice cream until then. Got it? Well, I’m off.”

About eight out of ten times, Ki Baek-woo had to watch Lee Han-sol’s back. Despite feeling sad and helpless, his desire to get closer to Lee Han-sol didn’t disappear. He felt like he could do anything if Lee Han-sol could like him the most, no, like only him. Ki Baek-woo learned fondness and goodwill from Lee Han-sol, and he learned desire and longing. He also came to know lonely deficiency.

So when the world started to turn upside down due to the Annihilation, Ki Baek-woo was definitely a little happy.

‘Hyung held my hand first…’

The sensation of Lee Han-sol’s hand, which he had always had to grab first until now, firmly grasping his hand first. Not Lee Han-sol’s back disappearing and leaving him alone in the lonely apartment corridor as always, but a back pulling him with all its might, saying let’s go together… Seeing that, Ki Baek-woo sensed something. He might be able to have him all to himself.

In the stuffy elementary school auditorium crowded with people, when Lee Han-sol took Ki Baek-woo there. The unpleasant stench coming from people and the animal-like sounds they were making. When Lee Han-sol hugged Ki Baek-woo tightly, allowing him to endure that terrifying space.

‘The smell of candy…’

I smell like melted sugar and fruit syrup. It’s so sweet that you’ll soon forget other unpleasant smells. If the loud noises are too much, you can put your ear against my chest. Focus only on the fact that we’re close enough to share that thump-thump sound. Then you’ll quickly stop hearing people’s wailing sounds. And you know what, Baek-woo? I’m going to give you these pleasant things from now on. Now there are no other kids, I’ll give them only to you…

Ki Baek-woo thought Lee Han-sol’s embrace was telling him something like that. A scary, messy, and confusing situation. Many adults who seemed terrified. And in between them, Lee Han-sol and he, hugging each other tightly as if depending on each other. Ki Baek-woo could understand.

From now on, Han-sol hyung and I will go everywhere together.

Hyung and I will become the closest buddies, and hyung will only play with me. From now on, there will be no one else between us.

The more the adults screamed and took out their meaningless anger on each other, the more desperately Lee Han-sol’s arms embracing Ki Baek-woo tightened, and Ki Baek-woo felt joy in that desperate movement. The satisfaction of finally having Lee Han-sol, whom he had admired, all to himself, translucently covered the immediate sadness and fear.

“Baek-woo, you don’t have to worry.”

Ki Baek-woo’s premonition was not wrong. From that day on, Lee Han-sol didn’t let go of Ki Baek-woo’s hand. It was different from before when he always had to gather the courage to ring Lee Han-sol’s doorbell first. Even without having to muster up the courage to be together, Lee Han-sol was by Ki Baek-woo’s side on his own. He stuck close and didn’t let go. Although Lee Han-sol must have been hungry too, when he got his hands on food, he would put it in Ki Baek-woo’s mouth as if it were natural and say:

“I’ll protect you. You don’t need to worry about anything. Just trust me, okay?”