Delusive Fate

#084

It was late at night. Ki Baek-woo was escorting Jung Yi-dam back. Even though the destination was just the dormitory attached to the Central Center annex, Ki Baek-woo walked beside Jung Yi-dam, compelled by a sense of obligation. Lately, he had grown much closer to Jung Yi-dam. Perhaps it was a natural result of running into each other wherever they went.

“…We’re here.”

“Yes, we’ve arrived already.”

“I’ll watch you go in before I leave.”

“When I’m with you, Hunter Ki… time seems to fly by so quickly.”

The ticklish and affectionate tone became as soft as a whisper. Ki Baek-woo looked at Jung Yi-dam as if drawn by a magnet. There was a sexual tension that was almost embarrassing. Ki Baek-woo silently called out to Lee Han-sol. Hyung, I feel strange. His pulse quickened. Though it shouldn’t be possible, he felt as if his heart was swelling to the point of bursting and then suddenly shrinking.

Thump, thump. Ki Baek-woo couldn’t understand the cause of the rough pounding that made his muscles tense. Was it because Lee Han-sol kept becoming more distant in his consciousness, as if walking into a thick fog? Is that why I’m anxious…? If not that, then this person right here. Ki Baek-woo slowly traced Jung Yi-dam’s features with his gaze, as if drawing them. Because of this person…. Just as he was muttering to himself, Jung Yi-dam’s pale face suddenly drew closer. Before he could realize how close it was, it happened.

Their lips met. Jung Yi-dam’s hands lightly touched Ki Baek-woo’s chest like feathers.

‘I kissed you first, but you won’t reject me, will you?’

The touch was without tension, as if certain of this. And Ki Baek-woo… unbelievably… really didn’t reject it. It felt like someone had shaken his head empty. At that moment, he wasn’t thinking anything at all. According to someone who said humans are thinking animals, Ki Baek-woo wasn’t human then. He was just something that moved.

Hyung, please save me. I’m so strange….

He might have muttered this internally, but he couldn’t distinguish whether it had really happened or not. He only felt a frighteningly distant sensation. Ki Baek-woo felt as if he had fallen into an empty world where there was nothing, not even himself….

The sudden contact didn’t last long. Ki Baek-woo came to his senses only after Jung Yi-dam’s face had completely withdrawn.

‘…Huh?’

The realization came too late. After everything had ended, realizing that he had kissed someone other than Lee Han-sol, there was nothing Ki Baek-woo could take back. It wasn’t a deep kiss. But their lips had touched and parted, so it was undeniably a kiss. Delayed emotions flooded into Ki Baek-woo’s consciousness, which had been blank like white paper. Bewilderment, horror, shame, fear. They poured in violently, like water bursting through a blocked channel, threatening to shatter his mind.

After pouring in for a while… they disappeared in an instant.

Along with something very important to Ki Baek-woo, they vanished in a moment as if evaporating. Simultaneously, a very deep and large hole appeared in Ki Baek-woo’s heart, as if a long-embedded stake had been pulled out. It was a hole where something important had disappeared. What was it that was here…? Judging by how vast this empty space was, it must have been something truly precious, but he couldn’t remember at all.

Jung Yi-dam smiled at the frozen Ki Baek-woo, then disappeared beyond the door as if fleeing. Left alone in the dark corridor, Ki Baek-woo muttered.

Ki Baek-woo  

“It’s not… unpleasant. Even though it was sudden, it’s not unpleasant at all….”

As if being controlled by something, he awkwardly touched his own lips. He brushed his bangs aside as if following someone’s instructions. His mind was now the familiar blank slate, and red letters were being messily written on it.

My heart fluttered at the kiss with Jung Yi-dam My heart fluttered at the kiss with Jung Yi-dam My heart fluttered at the kiss with Jung Yi-dam I now like Jung Yi-dam This is the proof I can’t think of anything but Jung Yi-dam I can’t remember anything but Jung Yi-dam It feels like I’ve forgotten something important but what was it No the important thing is Jung Yi-dam I now like Jung Yi-dam I now….

And Ki Baek-woo arrived home, slowly walking through the pitch-black night streets. He opened the front door and entered. He washed up listlessly like a spilled glass of water, and changed clothes like a machine given a command value. Slowly, with movements like a mannequin, he opened the bedroom door.

Ah.

Ki Baek-woo’s eyes suddenly cleared as if waking from hypnosis. Only then did he realize. The thing he had tried to recall all the way home but failed. The important thing that had disappeared, which he couldn’t remember until the end.

“Han-sol hyung.”

The important thing I forgot was Han-sol hyung.

As if he had just returned from a raid, Lee Han-sol was sleeping with a tired face under the faint moonlight. As if he had fallen asleep while tossing and turning waiting for Ki Baek-woo, Lee Han-sol, who usually slept in a straight posture, was curled up on his side that day. The white cheeks with a faint blush from sleep. Ki Baek-woo, who had diligently forgotten him while Lee Han-sol was away, was struck with shock as if hit on the back of the head by that peacefully sleeping face.

“How could I… do such a thing…”

I like Jung Yi-dam? When hyung is right here like this, I felt that way about Jung Yi-dam…? What did I do with Jung Yi-dam today? Ah, what hyung has done for me. How could I do this….

‘This isn’t right,’ Ki Baek-woo thought. ‘Ki Baek-woo, you can’t do this to hyung. Aren’t you sorry?’ and then, ‘Isn’t hyung pitiful….’

Wait a minute….

Pitiful?

Who? Hyung?

What am I thinking right now? I’m strange. Hyung, please help me….

Standing by the bed, Ki Baek-woo wanted to wake Lee Han-sol immediately. He wanted to ask for help. But he couldn’t make a sound as if his words were blocked, and even if he could speak normally, he was confused about what to say.

Hyung, I can’t control myself. I think I’m sick…. I keep forgetting about you, and my heart pounds in front of someone else, and today with Jung Yi-dam… we kissed. It just suddenly happened. After that, I suddenly thought it wasn’t unpleasant. And I kept feeling like I’d forgotten something and it made me feel bad… But that was you.

I forgot about you for a moment.

Ki Baek-woo couldn’t even laugh bitterly. There’s no way he could say such things to Lee Han-sol. He just moved his lips blankly and then quietly sat on the edge of the bed. He looked at Lee Han-sol, who appeared pale in the moonlight. Through the slightly parted lips, sweet exhales were regularly escaping with a soft sound.

Hyung, you know… I keep feeling like I’m not myself… Help me….

Ki Baek-woo reached out towards Lee Han-sol, who looked pitifully innocent, unaware of what had happened while he was away. His fingers lightly brushed Lee Han-sol’s round cheek.

“…You’re back?”

Despite the careful touch, Lee Han-sol opened his eyes and asked with a drowsy smile. The voice tinged with sleep was too affectionate, and the half-open delicate eyes, the pupils within were moist with love. Ki Baek-woo couldn’t believe what he had done to such a person. The guilt he had put aside as if forgotten for days came rushing back all at once. He swallowed dryly and barely managed to answer.

“Yeah… Did I wake you?”

“No… I fell asleep… While waiting for you without realizing…”

Ki Baek-woo was at a loss for words and closed his mouth for a moment. Why was Lee Han-sol so kind and generous? Even such a short, insignificant statement was so caring that Ki Baek-woo didn’t want to share even a single word from Lee Han-sol with anyone else. He wanted to monopolize it all to himself, not sharing even a tiny bit with anyone. But I… to Han-sol hyung…. Trying his best to act normal, Ki Baek-woo hesitantly opened his mouth.

“You must be tired after coming back from a raid. You shouldn’t have waited. I was late because I had some… work at the center today.”

“Mmm… but I couldn’t do that without you…”

“That?”

“Hug me, hyung…”

Lee Han-sol, smiling brightly without even fully opening his eyes. The warm arms reaching out weakly. The embrace wanting to be hugged as they always had. The calmness, not even imagining what Ki Baek-woo had done today….

I absolutely can’t tell him.

Ki Baek-woo bit his lip like a child throwing a tantrum and thought. I can’t tell him. I won’t tell. I absolutely won’t tell hyung. This is just… something weird for a moment. I’ll be able to solve it soon. I don’t know what happened… but anyway, everything will be fine because hyung is here. I just need to pretend what happened didn’t happen. Because I won’t do such a thing again… It’s okay. We have no problems.

Ki Baek-woo wrapped his long, firm arms around Lee Han-sol’s back. Lee Han-sol immediately burrowed into Ki Baek-woo’s embrace, rubbing his nose and forehead against his chest.

“Sleep well, dream of me…”

Chuckling and mumbling, Lee Han-sol quickly fell asleep. Ki Baek-woo slowly closed and opened his eyes as if escaping reality. He stared blankly at the dark blue void for a while.

We have no problems. We have no problems. Han-sol hyung and I will be together like this forever without any problems. We will fall asleep together… without any problems forever.

Ki Baek-woo unconsciously hugged Lee Han-sol tightly. I won’t let go. I won’t let go even if I die. He held the person in his arms as if clinging, and rubbed his cheek against the soft hair. Mmm, he heard a whimper of discomfort.

“Hyung, I’m sorry… Don’t be angry with me…”

Ki Baek-woo whispered in a very faint voice, barely audible. He finally fell asleep belatedly. And when he opened his eyes, Ki Baek-woo’s world had turned upside down once again.

“To be abandoned once again in this miserable world. Please just let me die, please kill me…!”

Lee Han-sol was wearing a face Ki Baek-woo didn’t recognize.