Delusive Fate

#023

Mom and Dad are scolding me, I didn’t do it on purpose, they won’t listen to me, waaah, they say they hate me, they say I’m bad, waaah waaah, Mom and Dad, yeah, waaah, I, Han-sol, waaah, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, waaaaaah…!

Just like when I used to cling to my mom’s embrace and whine uncontrollably, I wanted to cling to Ki Baek-woo. I wanted to bury my face in his chest and blame him.

You didn’t let me speak, Ki Baek-woo, you looked at me with strange eyes, you didn’t keep your promises, you didn’t come home, you didn’t answer… It’s because of you that I’ve become like this, you made me scared…! Hurry up and tell me you’re sorry, hurry up and tell me you love me, that you love me the most in the world, that you’re sorry…!

I desperately held back. Whether it was tears or the urge to rush to Ki Baek-woo, I endured it all with all my might.

“I’m fine, Baek-woo. It doesn’t hurt at all…”

My voice trembled pathetically. So I quickly closed my mouth as I tried to speak more, pretending to be fine. I opened my eyes wide to dry the tears that kept welling up, staring blankly into space, and then forced a smile, pursing my lips. Ki Baek-woo, who had been burying his face in his hands and shaking his shoulders as if catching his breath, slowly raised his head.

I could see anguish in Ki Baek-woo’s eyes as he looked at me.

Why is he looking at me like that?

As if he had committed an even greater… terrible mistake that I didn’t know about. As if he pitied me for not knowing anything…

Well… I guess he’s like that because he feels sorry for me. I jumped to conclusions on my own. And I smiled again, forcing it.

My heart was beating fast. My cheeks felt like they were on fire. They seemed hotter than my shoulder, which still burned with pain. I must have looked like a complete idiot. I felt embarrassed for showing such a foolish expression when Ki Baek-woo was finally being kind like before, so I smiled again, forcing it once more.

Even more, a bit more anguish filled Ki Baek-woo’s eyes. He looked almost desperate. His eyes, which used to always sparkle – well, they had been like dead fish eyes for a while, but anyway, before that, they always sparkled like stars – now looked completely lifeless.

He doesn’t need to feel that sorry…

It hurt me more to see Ki Baek-woo with such sad eyes than when he was indifferent to me. So after hesitating a little, I mustered up the courage and patted Ki Baek-woo’s firm shoulder. Fortunately, he didn’t avoid it.

“It’s okay.”

“…”

“Baek-woo, hyung is fine. It doesn’t hurt at all.”

“…”

“I’m sorry.”

Ki Baek-woo’s face now contorted with pain. Why is he making that face? It’s not something to feel that sorry about.

As if he was secretly committing some terrible mistake that I didn’t know about…

Of course, that couldn’t be the case.

“Hyung… What are you sorry for?”

Ki Baek-woo spoke as if in pain. I smiled faintly.

“For getting hurt… For making you make that face… I’m sorry…”

“Ha.”

“Don’t worry too much, Baek-woo. This will heal quickly.”

Sorry…? Sorry for getting hurt. Ah, right. Hyung is sorry… Haha, right, hyung is sorry to me… Haha, I must be crazy.

Ki Baek-woo muttered in a very small voice that was barely audible.

Just as I was about to lean in to listen, he closed his mouth and let out a very long exhale. Then he relaxed his entire body, which had been extremely tense, and slumped as if deflated. He looked like those animal dolls with very long, floppy limbs that were popular a long time ago.

Those dolls that could be hung up anywhere looked pitiful when you sat them down because their limbs drooped so much. When I was young, I never put down the doll I received as a gift from my aunt for that reason.

I didn’t like it when something I loved looked pitiful. It made me feel sorry and kept bothering me, making me feel sad in turn.

But with Baek-woo like this… it really feels like my heart is crumbling.

I gathered a bit more courage and approached Ki Baek-woo on my knees. Sitting very close, at our old familiar distance, I hugged Ki Baek-woo’s neck. His limp body fell into my arms like a real doll. At that moment, the pain in my shoulder was forgotten as if it had never existed.

Thump, thump, thump…. My heart was beating so hard. Ki Baek-woo must have felt this pounding through our touching chests. I breathed very shallowly.

“Baek-woo, it’s okay.”

“It shouldn’t be okay.”

“No, hyung is really fine with everything.”

“Hyung, you shouldn’t be okay with it.”

“Baek-woo, I love you.”

“…”

“I really love you so much. That’s why it’s okay, for me…”

Ki Baek-woo didn’t answer. It was fine. Because he was being kind to me for once. Everything was fine. Even though my heart was beating like this, Ki Baek-woo’s chest pressed against mine was as silent as darkness with the lights turned off.

Then Ki Baek-woo pulled me out of his embrace and quietly looked at my face. With an expression that seemed both solemn and weary… after looking at me for a long time with an indecipherable expression, Ki Baek-woo suddenly spoke with a resolute attitude.

“You shouldn’t be okay with it.”

“No, I really…”

“You should never be okay with me.”

Ki Baek-woo glared at me reproachfully, his face contorting.  His expression was unreadable – I couldn’t tell if it was sadness or fear.

“Okay? How can it be okay? Love? You love me? You?”

Without giving me a chance to answer, Ki Baek-woo pressed on as if revealing something.

“Hyung. What do you think you don’t know?”

Ki Baek-woo’s hand holding my wrist was trembling. After feeling that pitiful trembling for a moment, I hugged Ki Baek-woo tightly again. I patted Ki Baek-woo’s back, which was shaking slightly with incomprehensible emotion, as if to comfort him.

“It’s okay not to know.”

“What?”

“I’m telling you, everything is really okay… I can wait.”

“…”

“It’s okay that I’m hurt, and it’s okay that I don’t know. Really, Baek-woo.”

So, if it’s hard for you, you don’t have to say anything. I can wait until it’s not hard for you anymore. I love you no matter what you’re like. I love you, so it’s okay. I love you so much, Baek-woo…

I whispered endlessly as if talking to myself. It was the truth, without a shred of lie. The injury was nothing. Because I could hold Ki Baek-woo. Because Ki Baek-woo was listening to my comfort. Because I could freely say that I loved him.

Therefore, on that day, everything was fine and extremely fortunate.

I wish every day could be like today…

But…

If I keep getting hurt over and over, will these fortunate days continue on and on?

Suddenly, an incredibly ugly and corrupted thought dominated my mind.

But… it was all Ki Baek-woo’s fault that I had become like this. If Ki Baek-woo hadn’t changed in the first place, no, if he hadn’t become kind again just because my shoulder got a little messed up. If he hadn’t cared about me. If he hadn’t stayed still in my arms.

At least I wouldn’t have fallen to become the worst idiot, enduring injuries as if it didn’t matter if I died.

It was all Ki Baek-woo’s fault for being bad.

***

“Transfer?”

“Yes, if I can’t be discharged, at least a transfer…”

“To the central center, specifically?”

“My registered address is in A-district anyway…”

“Just stay here. Even if the surgery went well, it’s not good to move around here and there. The doctor who performed the surgery is also from our center.”

“If you share the chart…”

“That’s a different level of understanding. If the patient himself insists on going, there’s nothing we can do, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. Each center also has awakened ones of certain ranks they mainly care for.”

“Isn’t the body structure the same whether it’s C-rank or S-rank…”

The nurse who was injecting antibiotics turned her eyes to look at me as I mumbled. Is this what they call dead fish eyes? The acrylic name tag engraved with ‘Recovery Team, RN Baek A-young’ attached to her nursing uniform seemed to shine brighter than those eyes. The sheer expressionlessness of her face was intimidating, and I felt a bit scared. Nurse Baek A-young spoke in a gentle voice that was completely unexpected given her expression.

“Think of recovery as your top priority, Hunter Lee Han-sol. Awakened ones may have better recovery than ordinary people, but it doesn’t mean you don’t get worse. You’re still human after all. You know that, right?”

“Yes… of course I know that…”

“Anyway, since you want it, I’ll talk to your attending physician and the team leader. If you need anything, press the call button.”

I answered “Yes…” to Nurse Baek A-young’s back as she turned around and disappeared like the wind. I adjusted my position to lie down. My leg, wrapped in thick plaster, was still uncomfortable to move. Inside that cast, there would be a mangled shin and ankle fixed with terrifying metal pins.

“I miss Ki Baek-woo… When is he coming…”

As you can see, my leg was shattered. The accident happened during a raid a few days ago.

The problem arose when one of the Destructions trapped in Kim Jin-oh’s barrier self-destructed. Crack, crackle. The giant monster that was twisting its limbs grotesquely suddenly went “Bang!” and shattered into pieces.

“Everyone, take cover!”

Someone shouted, but before I could understand that it was a signal to run away, the shattered pieces of the Destruction broke through Kim Jin-oh’s barrier. Fragments of the Destruction shot out in all directions. One of them flew straight at me and crushed my left leg.

It was just a single, ragged piece of Destruction flesh that hit my body, but it melted through my combat uniform, burned my flesh, and shattered my bones. It was a moment that made me truly wonder what kind of substance the Destruction beings were made of.

Aah… Aaaagh…

I lay face down on the damp, slippery dungeon floor, my limbs trembling. A shocking, intense pain shot through from my left leg to the crown of my head like an arrow. I had never experienced such pain in my life. I couldn’t even cry or scream. This must be what they mean when they say you can’t see straight. My breath caught in my throat. Only swarms of black dots wriggled between my whitened vision.

Am I dying? Am I dead?

I had such thoughts without even realizing I was thinking. Beeeep, a loud ringing pierced my brain, and then even that sound faded away. It seemed the endorphins were surging in response to the terrible pain. My mind, which had been in agony as if completely torn apart, gradually became numb.

“Lee Han-sol!!!!”