Delusive Fate

#014

Ki Baek-woo seemed utterly unable to understand such a clear statement.

“What do you mean, hyung? Moving alone… you mean moving the luggage by yourself?”

“Am I speaking some African tribal language right now? Ki Baek-woo, you’re smart, why do you keep acting like an idiot?”

“Hyung.”

“Yes, I’m your hyung. Let me say this one last time, really for the last time. I’m moving to B district. You’re staying here, and I’m going to B district alone. I’ve already seen the place this morning, signed the contract, and even paid the deposit. Understand?”

While I was sarcastically thinking that even an orangutan would have understood my words by now, Ki Baek-woo said this nonsense:

“I’ll pay the deposit.”

“What?”

“You know the real estate agent’s number, right? Call them now and cancel the contract quickly, hyung.”

“Why cancel the contract? I told you I’ve already paid the deposit.”

“No. It’s too late to call now. Then let’s go there together tomorrow. I don’t have any schedule tomorrow either. Let’s go to the real estate agency together and ask them to cancel the contract. Don’t worry if you can’t get the deposit back, I’ll pay for all of it. Let’s cancel the contract.”

Wow… so this is what they call barking.

I stared blankly at Ki Baek-woo, at a loss for words. Ki Baek-woo grabbed both my forearms strongly and stared into my eyes. Then he urged in a slightly urgent voice:

“You will, right? You’ll cancel the contract?”

“Hey, Ki Baek-woo.”

“You were just confused for a moment, right? You just forgot that I can’t go to B district with you because of the law, right?”

Ki Baek-woo’s clear pupils were reflecting light, black as marbles. They looked like puppy eyes. That’s what I thought of those eyes. Eyes that made me uncomfortable, staring up at me with a desperate gaze, though I had no idea what he wanted. Eyes that suddenly made me feel like a heartless villain even though I hadn’t done anything. Eyes that extorted guilt.

Cowardly eyes!

I started to get angry. My reason, worn thin by repeated deaths, was easily torn apart by the slightest provocation. As sparks flew in my heart, anger rose quickly as if it had been waiting for this moment.

What are you? Why are you looking at me like that?

Am I abandoning you? I’m just saying I want to move. Is this betrayal? Who are you to look at me like that? You’re the one who abandoned me, you fucking traitor! Why are you looking at me like that and making me feel like shit, you bastard…

Ki Baek-woo flinched and stepped back when he saw my eyes filling with bright red anger. His handsome face turned pale in an instant.

He must be bewildered. This unfamiliar Han-sol must be overwhelming, difficult, and unfair to him. I had never looked at Ki Baek-woo with eyes like this before.

Not even once, despite experiencing deaths more numerous than I could count on my fingers and toes.

“Hyung, Han-sol hyung.”

Ki Baek-woo, who had been looking at the unfamiliar me in confusion, clung to my forearms again. Then he spoke haltingly in a slightly panting voice:

“B district… Hyung, I can’t go there with you…”

“How many times do I have to tell you? Baek-woo, are your ears fucking clogged? I’m going alone. I said I’m going by myself. I’m not going with you. How many times do I have to say it?”

“Hyung, why are you doing this to me… Hyung, why are you suddenly acting like this…”

“Suddenly?”

Suddenly? You like that word, huh.

It’s sudden for you. How long do I have to care about that kind of thing? How long do I have to live worrying about whether you’ll be surprised, whether someone like you will get hurt? Isn’t it enough that I’ve liked you more than myself for over twenty times?

Suddenly?

You bastard, how dare you say such a thing? You son of a bitch. I’ve been worn down, you fucker, while you secretly kissed Jung Yi-dam, secretly had sex with him, and built your love of the century, turning my life into a chew toy you spat out.

I’m covered in calluses from dying over and over again. Do you know anything about this? My whole body, from my internal organs to my brain, is so full of calluses that I’ve become completely numb. I’m not happy or sad anymore. I don’t like or dislike anything anymore. Is this even being alive?

You fucker, since your damn mouth is open, why don’t you try saying something? Is this, is this even being alive? Am I human or a human-shaped toy? Why don’t you, the great main character, try answering that?

You can’t, can you? You don’t know, right? Of course.

In this world, it doesn’t fucking matter whether Lee Han-sol is a living creature, whether he has a self and emotions, fuck, whether he’s a human being just like you. Because I’m just someone who likes you, dedicates himself to you, and dies for you, that’s all! That’s why even I don’t know what I am.

But Baek-woo, how could someone like you understand that.

You’re an idiot who doesn’t even know how you killed me in your previous life. You’re a carefree bastard who just forgets and resets.

Suddenly? You know-nothing idiot, you say ‘suddenly’?

“Hyung, tell me. If I did something wrong, please tell me. You suddenly hate me so much, I’m really struggling… At least tell me what I should do, please… I’m begging you like this, I’ll fix everything, hyung, I’m sorry…”

“Baek-woo, stop it. Someone might think I’ve done something terrible to you.”

“No, hyung. It’s not like that, it must be something I did wrong… You usually… It’s all my fault, hyung… Don’t do this to me so suddenly, you know I only have you…”

“What’s wrong with you? Can’t we live apart for a while, why are you acting like this? Am I doing something else? It’s been since you were seven and I was ten. We’ve been living together so fucking long it’s sickening. Can’t we live apart now? Is this such a big deal?”

“Hyung, stop… Hyung… Please, I’m begging you, hyung, please…”

“Why the fuck are you acting like this? What’s your fucking purpose in messing with my feelings like this, huh?”

I’m just saying I want to move. I just want to see your stupid, clueless face less in what’s left of my limited life. Who’s trying to run away because they want to live? Who said I won’t play my role? I’ll die for you. I’ll come back to make you and Jung Yi-dam into Romeo and Juliet. I’ll come to die when it’s time, you fucker.

It’s going to happen anyway, it’ll happen whether I like it or not, you son of a bitch… Fuck, do you know about the system? Do you know about the designed story, you bastard Ki Baek-woo?

I wanted to spew out all the words boiling inside me. I wanted to strangle Ki Baek-woo to death right now as he was begging and making a fuss. Murderous intent bloomed helplessly in my heart. Should I kill him? Should I just fucking kill him?

No. I just want to grab a kitchen knife right now and stab my stomach in front of this bastard. I want to die. I want to inflict an irreparable wound on that son of a bitch. I’m covered in scars from head to toe, with no place left to be hurt, so I thought it would be nice if Ki Baek-woo could be hurt just as much.

My head was burning from trying to endure this overwhelming impulse. Instead of the malice I couldn’t spew out, it felt like the kimchi stew I ate for dinner was about to surge back up. Ki Baek-woo, who was kneeling on the floor with his upper body leaning on the bed, pulled my forearm strongly and burrowed into my arms. Burying his face in my chest, he said in a tearful voice:

“Why, why do we have to live apart… Hyung, why… We agreed to stay together…”

I felt like I was really going to lose it. I rolled my eyes and glared at the white ceiling.

“You’re overreacting. Are you filming a drama? Who said never to see each other again?”

“You’re angry, you’ve been like this since that day. The day I went to the gate, you’ve been angry with me since then. Since that day, suddenly like this… You don’t hug me, you don’t tell me to come back, you don’t tell me to take care. What did I do so wrong? It’s because I made you angry, right?”

“Oh… shit…”

“I, I did wrong, if you tell me, I’ll never do it again. I’ll fix it. I promise. I swear. I did wrong by not knowing what I did wrong, not knowing is also my fault. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being inadequate. Just this once, okay? I’ll never make you angry again. I’ve… hyung, Baek-woo has been good all this time… Please, just this once…”

I straightened my head that had been tilted towards the ceiling at these ridiculous words.

“You say you won’t do it again?”

“Yes, yes, hyung. I won’t do it again. I’ll never do anything to make you angry.”

“If I tell you, Ki Baek-woo, can you really change?”

“Yes, if you just tell me, I’ll fix everything. I’ll never make you angry again. Just this once, just tell me this once. If you tell me why you’re angry, I can fix everything. I’m good at listening, aren’t I? I’ve never disobeyed you, hyung, right?”

As I watched Ki Baek-woo burrowing deeper into my arms, hugging my back and begging, a feeling of emptiness washed over me. The anger that had felt hot enough to melt my brain suddenly subsided as if it was a lie. My heart, which had been boiling red, cooled instantly.

What am I doing right now?

A sense of futility hit me, making me feel drained.

He says he’ll fix it? What?

Ki Baek-woo’s words were so naive that I felt like bursting into meaningless laughter.

Baek-woo, then can you stop loving Jung Yi-dam?

Can you never associate with Jung Yi-dam ever again? Like you said, we agreed to stay together forever. Will you really stay only by my side? Continuously? Forever? Will you love only me? Really, until you die? Even after death?

I felt the urge to ask.

Haha. Thinking about Ki Baek-woo, who would confidently answer “Yes, I love only you, hyung. I’ll stay only with you. Continuously, forever,” without knowing even a speck of his future, made me feel like I was watching a comedy.

Hahaha. Laughter genuinely leaked out.

But… no matter what, it doesn’t seem right to laugh here, right? It would make me look like a psychopath. To suppress the laughter that was about to burst out, I put strength into my arm that was propped on the bed.

Thud-.

At that moment, something fell to the floor. It seemed that something had slid off as the blanket moved. My gaze reflexively turned to that direction. So did Ki Baek-woo’s.

There was a brief moment of silence.

“Hyung.”

“……”

“Hyung, it’s not.”

Ki Baek-woo said in a trembling voice.

“This is absolutely not it.”