Deadpool Reincarnated: Chaos and Blades in the World of KonoSuba

The disembodied voice's cheerful announcement of a lava-filled doom was met with a fresh wave of high-pitched, existential terror from Kazuma.

"Lava?! Are you kidding me?!" he screamed, scrambling away from the glowing cracks in the floor. "First spikes, now lava! What's next, a room full of angry bees that shoot smaller, angrier bees from their stingers? This isn't a dungeon, it's a lunatic's grocery list of death traps!"

"To be consumed by the fiery heart of the world itself…" Darkness murmured, her eyes glazed over with a look of profound longing. "My armor would melt, my skin would char… a glorious, all-encompassing immolation…"

"Lava is just spicy rocks!" Deadpool grunted from the floor. His arm and leg were slowly knitting themselves back together in a gruesome display of bubbling flesh and reforming bone. The process was noisy and wet. "It's lazy game design! Every dungeon has a lava level! It's the second-most overused trope after the water temple!"

The obsidian floor was growing uncomfortably hot, and the red glow from the cracks was intensifying. They had to move.

"Help me up, my masochistic meat-shield!" Deadpool said, wiggling the fingers of his newly-formed hand. "My leg's still a bit gooey."

Darkness, ever eager to assist in a way that involved physical exertion, hoisted him to his feet. Deadpool staggered for a moment, his new leg still a bit wobbly, like a baby deer made of scar tissue. He stomped it on the ground a few times.

"Alright, sensation returning… motor skills at ninety percent," he announced. "Let's go see what fresh hell this Krell guy cooked up."

He swaggered through the open doorway into the next chamber, the rest of the party following close behind, desperate to get off the heating floor.

The room was vast, a cavernous chamber that stretched into the gloom. There was no floor. Or rather, the floor was a churning, bubbling lake of brilliant orange magma fifty feet below. The heat was oppressive, washing over them in thick, shimmering waves. On the far side of the chamber, at least a hundred feet away, was a single stone door, their only exit. A series of stone pillars, some tall, some short, dotted the lake of fire like stepping stones for a suicidal giant.

"Contestants, welcome to the Blazing Ballroom!" the announcer's voice boomed, echoing in the huge chamber. "The rules are simple: get to the other side without becoming a crispy critter! Your time starts… whenever you feel like not being on that starting platform, which is about to sink into the lava. Toodles!"

As if on cue, the stone ledge they were standing on gave a lurch and began to slowly descend toward the molten lake below.

"HE'S SINKING THE PLATFORM!" Kazuma shrieked, his voice cracking. "We have to jump! But the pillars are too far apart!"

Aqua, for once, did not panic. Her eyes narrowed. As a goddess of water, fire was her natural, elemental opposite. This wasn't just a trap; it was a personal insult.

"Stand back, mortals!" she commanded, a rare note of genuine authority in her voice. "This affront to the natural order will not stand! The purifying flow shall conquer the angry flame! Sacred Create Water!"

She thrust her hands forward, and a massive, continuous jet of pure, crystal-clear water shot out from her palms. It wasn't a geyser or a fountain; it was a high-pressure torrent, a veritable river that she aimed at the surface of the lava between their sinking platform and the first stone pillar.

The effect was instantaneous and violent. The moment the water hit the magma, a colossal cloud of steam exploded upwards with a deafening HIIISSSSSSSS, temporarily blinding them. When the steam cleared, a new bridge of glistening, black obsidian had formed, connecting their platform to the pillar.

"It worked!" Aqua cheered, looking immensely proud of herself. "My holy water has quenched the unholy fire! I am truly the most useful and powerful of goddesses!"

"Less talking, more bridging!" Kazuma yelled as their platform sank another few feet. "The next one!"

They scrambled across the newly formed obsidian path. It was hot underfoot, but solid. They leaped onto the first pillar just as their starting ledge disappeared beneath the surface of the lava with a final, wet gloop.

"Okay! This can work!" Kazuma said, a frantic spark of hope in his eyes. "Aqua, keep making bridges! Get us to the other side!"

Aqua aimed for the next gap. "Create Water!" Another explosion of steam, another bridge of black rock. They leaped across. But this new section was thinner, more brittle. A large crack appeared down the middle as soon as Darkness set foot on it.

"The structural integrity is failing!" Deadpool observed. "Your bridge-making skills are shoddy, Aqua! This wouldn't pass a basic safety inspection!"

"I'm creating land from scratch! Give me a break!" she retorted, her concentration faltering.

They made it to the second pillar, but their path forward was now more complicated. The next pillar was higher up, and the one after that was lower. A simple straight bridge wouldn't work.

"I need to get to higher ground to get a better angle!" Aqua said, pointing at a small, precarious-looking outcrop of rock above them.

"I'll get you up there!" Darkness volunteered. She braced herself. "Throw me!"

"What?" Kazuma asked.

"Throw me! Use me as a grappling hook! I'll wedge myself onto that ledge and you can climb up me!"

"That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard!" Kazuma yelled.

"I'LL DO IT!" Deadpool shouted. He grabbed Darkness by the ankle and waist. "Okay, on three! One… TWO!" He didn't wait for three. With a mighty heave, he spun and flung the armored Crusader through the air.

Her trajectory was terrible. She completely missed the ledge and was now sailing directly toward the lava lake.

"My aim might have been a bit off!" Deadpool admitted.

Darkness let out a silent scream of pure joy as she plunged toward the fiery doom she had always dreamed of. But before she could hit the magma, Deadpool, who had uncoiled one of the katanas' long sageo cords from his hilt, whipped it out like a lasso. The silk cord wrapped around her ankle.

"Gotcha!" he yelled, digging his heels in. He, Kazuma, and a very reluctant Aqua grabbed the rope and pulled, hauling the dripping, ecstatic Crusader back onto the pillar just as the tip of her boot touched the lava, melting the steel with a sizzle.

"So close…" Darkness sighed, looking utterly heartbroken.

"Okay, the 'human grappling hook' plan is a bust," Deadpool said. "New plan. Aqua, just make stepping stones. Little blobs of rock. I'll handle the traversal."

Aqua nodded, and began firing smaller, controlled bursts of water into the lava, creating a series of small, steaming, unstable-looking obsidian platforms.

"Are you crazy? You can't jump on those!" Kazuma protested.

"Kid, my entire life is a series of crazy jumps," Deadpool said with a grin. He turned to Megumin, who had been silent and useless the whole time. "Alright, Little Miss Kaboom, piggyback ride."

He hoisted her onto his back. "Hold on tight. This is gonna get bumpy."

And then he was off. He leaped from their pillar onto the first steaming platform. It wobbled precariously under his weight. Without hesitating, he jumped to the next, then the next, a frantic, high-stakes game of hopscotch over a lake of fire. He was a blur of red and black, his agility stat finally getting a real workout. He moved with a grace that was completely at odds with his personality.

He made it to the final, massive pillar right next to the exit door. He gently set Megumin down.

"We made it!" Megumin cheered silently.

They were safe, but the rest of the party was still stranded, and the lava was visibly rising, threatening to swallow the remaining pillars.

The exit door was made of stone, with no visible handle or lock. But next to it was another big, friendly, red button.

"Contestant Red has reached the finish line!" the announcer's voice boomed. "But will you abandon your friends to their fiery fate, or will you risk it all for the team? Push the button to find out!"

Deadpool looked at the button. He looked back across the churning lake of lava at his stranded, dysfunctional family. He saw Kazuma waving his arms frantically. He saw Aqua preparing another blast of water. He saw Darkness looking wistfully at the lava.

He sighed. He really hated teamwork.

With a dramatic shrug, he slammed his hand down on the button.