Dark Lord and I Committed Tax Evasion. Now We Mug Gnomes to Survive.

The first day in prison was peculiar, to say the least.

 Peter didn't know exactly what sort of prison this was supposed to be, but he had never imagined a prison so.

 It was full of gnomes, and…

"Why are the gnomes drinking so much hot chocolate?"

It was a question Peter could not answer himself, so of course he tried to ask it to Asmodeos, and Asmodeos for the most part, wanted to answer.

 He really did.

 But he was too busy washing the linens.

"Oh, this is good, this is really good! We're in gnome jail, oh this is perfect! They don't chip ores, they don't work, they don't do anything because their bones are like the bones of a bird, and we are going to…" but Asmodeos' joy was short-lived, for he was hit over the head with a baton.

He had to turn around to see just what sort of person would dare do that. Before him was an orc, the man had more scars than skin on his face.

So, Asmodeos was pretty sure that if he showed his teeth, he'll be left without any as a result. And that would happen pretty much in the next five minutes, if he was not careful.

 "This is not a prison," Mark said.

It was a great joy to always and forever be taking care of gnomes, taking care of the wrecks of the world. Then again, orcs were sadists, so it was pretty much in their nature to give false hopes.

"And you're going to take care of the gnomes. God forbid you actually do something against them because if you do, I will know, and I will break every single bone in your bodies."

 The realization finally hit the two adventurers with this.

This was a gnome retirement center, and Asmodeos, just like any other Dark Lord, did not want to work in such an establishment.

Mostly because the gnomes were pure and noble creatures, and he didn't want to hurt them. He was many things, but someone who would hurt a gnome was not one of them.

Peter, on the other hand, took that as a job opportunity.

 For, he had been told, as he entered the prison, that he was going to get physical education classes and all the gear he would need to go into the adventuring business once he was released from prison.

He took a hold of Asmodeos' hand and gently led him towards the gnomes.

 Peter pointed at the nearest one, who was dipping a cookie in his hot chocolate.

"Here's the deal: we take care of the gnomes, we will be kind to the gnomes, we will be good to the gnomes, and then, when we finally get out of here, we go back to selling slimes and actually file our taxes properly."

 It was a good offer in Peter's head. He didn't know why someone would refuse it, but, as things stood, Asmodeos was not a kind person.

 He was a Dark Lord, after all. Kindness was a strange concept that he never understood.

"Yes, but do you know anything about gnome prisons, I mean, retirement centers?"

Asmodeos had to correct himself at the last second, for, and he was pretty much sure, that if the gnomes overheard him, they were going to get depressed.

Gnomes were a pure and noble race, after all.

 Depression was pretty much their middle name. That was why they had to drink hot chocolate 24-7.

 "This is a gnome retirement center, and as such, you have to really... really think about what is going to happen next before you see, when this place gets open for business, the dark gnomes are going to come as well."

Peter didn't know what Asmodeos was talking about.

 He only knew about the green-haired gnomes. He was new to this world. The dark gnomes were a mystery to him, but he had heard the name dark gnomes a couple of times.

 He just thought that those were gnomes who didn't like hot chocolate or something.

 "We are just going to protect some gnomes from some other gnomes who are here to steal their chocolate and cookies and the…"

Peter couldn't believe what he was saying. He sounded insane even to his own ears.

 Gnomes were peaceful creatures. Even back on Earth, they had this reputation about them as garden ornaments.

 For them to suddenly attack something, for them to suddenly attack their own brethren, wasn't normal. And to be honest, Peter didn't believe it was going to happen.

 After all, the gnomes were good and kind. Everyone knew that.

"Yes, but the dark gnomes are actually part goblin," Asmodeos enjoyed the look of pure horror on Peter's face.

Ah, newbies.

They were always fun to mess with.

"And they also have some orcish blood in them, so they are not 50 cm tall, but 100 cm," Asmodeos continued.

Peter scratched his nose, not understanding what was going on. And yet, he decided that it was time that he did a pure and noble thing in protecting the gnomes.

"So, is this like a tower defense thing or something?" Peter could probably fight off some tiny 100 cm gnomes.

He knew, after all, what was needed.

 To take a broom and hit everything that moved.

The dark gnomes weren't even people, Peter reasoned with himself, they were gnomes. And gnomes were pretty much a step up from a garden ornament, as he had always believed.

"Oh, you think that this is going to be an easy thing, don't you? You think that this won't be a challenge? We are going to be invaded by the dark gnomes. We're going to beg for mercy, but none will be given. There will be food shortages, the gnomes will be scared. We are going to fight a war."

Asmodeos cackled and rubbed his hands together, as he watched the impact of his words on Peter.

 Finally, finally, he was going to get rich, get all the robes he wanted. For, dark gnomes, when hit over the head with a broom, spat out pearls.

It was a strange evolutionary quirk; he had to admit.

 But he supposed that if he were 100 cm tall and someone came at him with a broom, he'd spit pearls too.

 Just to get away.

And so, Peter and Asmodeos became permanent residents of a brand-new gnome retirement center. And not just that, but they became its protectors.

They and the orc who went to guard the front door. The man was to be their first line of defense, ready to pull the attackers in like a moon's gravitational pull.

 Ready to protect, ready to attack, ready to bash bones.

As for the dark gnomes, they got the information they needed. They knew that Peter was squeamish, Asmodeos was a war hound and that they would have to be tricky.

 But that was just fine in their books. After all, they weren't going to invade alone.

No.

For they had an ally, an ally who they knew wouldn't be stopped so easily. The dark gnomes were going to invade with hellhounds.

Who may or may not be about five times their size and former bear-hunting dogs…