Daomu Biji: A Thousand Faces

The last time Ah Tou saw Tu Dian was an hour before he went to the execution ground. Tu Dian had been sentenced to death. After being caned six times under Malaysian law, he was to be executed via long drop in the British way.

When she saw him, he was calculating how strong of a rope was needed for his weight so that he could break his neck and die instantaneously. That way, he wouldn’t have to suffer fifteen minutes of pain. The first edition of “Official Table of Drops” (1), which was published in 1888, sat in front of him. This book was the source of the table that Tu Dian wanted Ah Tou to tattoo on his arm when they first met. At that time, when he flipped to that page with the table on it, Ah Tou knew he was her Mr. Right. 

Compared to when they were in a relationship, Tu Dian was a lot older now. For a long time, whenever Ah Tou looked at this man, there was always a layer of mist in front of her that made her feel like she had been blinded. She exhausted herself trying to see him clearly through the mist and she no longer had the energy to re-examine all that he had done to her. Now that the mist had disappeared, Ah Tou could finally look at the man directly. 

Just an ordinary man. Ah Tou really wanted to come to this conclusion, but if she did so, it almost seemed blasphemous to the past ten years. After being entangled with this man for ten years, she wanted her enemy to have divinity. Now that he was headed for execution, his death would give her the pleasure of killing a god. 

But just like what was written in novels and literature, she didn’t feel anything. 

"I’m here to check on your face," Ah Tou said to Tu Dian. The man had already come up with the number and raised his head. Expressionless, he’s always expressionless. Accompanied by the bailiffs, Ah Tou examined Tu Dian’s face to confirm that he never had plastic surgery and wasn't a substitute with a mask on. 

It really was him. For a moment, Ah Tou wished it wasn't and that she had been deceived again. But this time, he had nowhere to escape. 

"I wanted to ask you something." Ah Tou sat down in front of him. They hadn’t seen each other for a long time, so the conversation was a little awkward.

Tu Dian nodded.

"What do guys think of when they betray someone?"

Tu Dian looked at Ah Tou and remained silent for a while before saying, "Do you mean betraying you or betraying someone else?"

"There's a difference?"

"Of course, because I love you." Tu Dian looked at the execution chamber behind him. Some religious personnel had already begun their preparations. 

Ah Tou laughed, this time she really laughed. "A dying man speaking the truth. Are you expecting your imminent death to make what you just said more convincing?"

"You’re still far from death, so you don't know what it means to be dying."

Ah Tou was a little stunned and couldn’t help thinking that he was right. Tu Dian smiled, “See, you’re doubting yourself again. I told you before, your problem is that you don't believe in yourself. Otherwise, it wouldn't have taken you ten years to catch me. You’re right, I was just trying to see how you’d react to this sentence.” 

Ah Tou was a little disgusted by him and had to take a deep breath. "Answer my question. I have the right to call off the caning so you don’t have to suffer as much before dying.”

These words finally got Tu Dian to react. He scratched his head and leaned back in his seat as he thought it over and said, "There are too many cases of people betraying others, but there is one thing. When it comes to betrayal, both parties had to been invested in it. The two made an agreement to accomplish something, but one quits without the other knowing.” Tu Dian looked into Ah Tou’s eyes, “When one quits without the other knowing, that’s what you call a betrayal. The longer the other party doesn’t know, the greater the hatred.”

"So?”

“When I’ve betrayed others, I don’t even remember what the deal was most of the time. In other words, the things that I said to him, the actions I said I’d take, and the person himself were all just something done at the spur of the moment. To me, the whole thing just isn’t important,” Tu Dian said. “I forget it right away. You already know that I’m a nihilist (2). The experience at that time is everything to me and the result just isn’t important. It’s not like I wanted to get anything from it, or wanted to accomplish something.”

"But those who made the deal with you took it seriously."

"It's rare for people to not take it seriously, especially if they have a lot of prestige. Nobody would actually believe you if you tell them you’re a nihilist. They’d all think you’re just messing around. When you go back home and work hard for a living, you’re no different from them. But the thing is, it’s much easier for me to achieve fame than it is for others. It’s a paradox. You know, when you’re not afraid of losing fame and prestige, you can never get rid of them. It's like algae in a fish tank.”

"You betrayed them on a whim."

"I can do business and make money together with them, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do it forever. I usually give it a year or two max. If they still don’t get the hang of it, then I get annoyed.” Tu Dian glanced at the bailiff, who handed him a cigarette. He didn’t want to light it up right away, but sniffed it instead, “Some people betray me before I betray them. In this world, the first to change their mind gets to torture the other. But it’s not like I’ll always have this privilege.”

Ah Tou looked into Tu Dian’s eyes. He really was telling the truth. Those were his true thoughts.

"What about me?"

"Well, it does feel different to betray someone you love." Tu Dian sat up a little.

"A man can love and betray a person at the same time?"

"All humans can." Tu Dian lit the cigarette, "Have you never betrayed a loved one?"

Ah Tou was stunned and immediately thought of Yanyan.

"You look like you finally understand. The things you say to people, the deals you make with them, or even the people themselves…none of it matters. It’s only if the betrayal doesn’t give you enough satisfaction that you’ll feel guilty and miserable, just like you were morally taught when you were a child. But when betrayal gives you more than enough satisfaction, you won’t hesitate to do it at all. In terms of emotional betrayal… almost everyone in human history has experienced emotional betrayal."

"Then, what did you receive by betraying me?"

"Back then, I didn’t believe that you’d love me forever. Although you loved me, I knew you had the potential to betray me. There’s a certain unswerving ruthlessness in you, Ah Tou. I knew that if I fully committed to you, then I’d end up being betrayed in the end. We’re the same.” Tu Dian looked at Ah Tou, "Instead of waiting for that day to come, I just decided to take the initiative. Besides, I know hatred lasts much longer than love. Being hated by someone forever is another way of possessing them."

"That’s why you betrayed me?"

“Yes. But it wasn’t easy at all. I hesitated for a really long time.”

Ah Tou paused, almost feeling touched by what he said. “So that's the reason why you framed me and made me spend ten years in prison?" She asked him.

"It was an accident. I told you, I didn't expect it to be that bad. I thought you'd be out in three months at most. I left enough evidence there and thought the police would find it all."

“Somebody took the evidence away. But you had plenty of opportunities to make up for your mistake over the past ten years.”

"By turning myself in? If I did that, you wouldn’t belong to me in the end. We’d become strangers. It’s not like I’m a good person, so why should I be so kind? Yes, it’s very unfair to you, but she’s your enemy, isn’t she? Though I did something wrong, my intentions were good.” Tu Dian took the last puff of his cigarette, “It doesn’t matter. Are you planning to keep looking for her? I don’t think you can. She loves me more than you do.”

Ah Tou was silent, so Tu Dian continued, “I betrayed her for you, too.”

He laughed, as if he had just made the funniest joke in the world. 

When Ah Tou left, she didn’t know if she got the answer she wanted. She could understand everything he had said, even though it all sounded like shit.

Maybe he was right and she really did have the potential to betray someone.

Tu Dian was a terrifying person. He didn’t talk too much about his own betrayal of her, but made her think of those she had betrayed instead. 

He had forced her to empathize with the offender. Ah Tou didn’t want to admit it, but Yanyan’s face kept showing up in her mind. 

She definitely wasn’t someone Ah Tou didn’t care about. Ah Tou wanted to forget about her, but found that she couldn’t.

Before she left, the bailiff handed her the form to revoke the caning. Tu Dian looked at her, "You said you’d call it off if I told you the truth.”

Ah Tou looked at the form. In fact, the death penalty was enough for him, but after thinking it over, Ah Tou shook her head. For the first time, she saw disappointment in Tu Dian’s eyes.

“It’s not that I want to target you or that I hate you,” Ah Tou said. “I just don’t know if you said all of that to toy with my emotions. I don’t know if I’m affected by it, so I want to act like I never came here.”

Tu Dian quickly recovered his poker-face and Ah Tou turned to leave. She only took a few steps before she turned around and said to him, “Happy Death Day”. For the first time, she knew that she had finally won.

****

TN Notes:

(1) “The Official Table of Drops”, formerly issued by the British Home Office, is a manual which is used to calculate the appropriate length of rope for long drop hangings. More info here.

(2) A person who believes that life is meaningless and rejects all religious and moral principles.