Daomu Biji: A Thousand Faces

The story this time is related to secrets.

I discovered a long time ago that some people couldn’t live without secrets. Sometimes, the mystery could bring false charm to a person. Other times, the mystery could cover up words and bring infinite charm to plain text. I’ve visited many operations departments in luxury hotels. The orderliness and elegance of the front lobby and restaurant were maintained by a large number of ungraceful maintenance systems in the back. White towels looked clean on the towel rack, but it was a totally different story when they were piled up in the laundry room.

I admit that I have an obsession with secrets; my life has proven that. I also understand that certain people create secrets to make themselves appear special, even if they don’t have any secrets.

Of course, having secrets also means owning an unsupervised part of yourself, which is a form of self-awareness. Those who have less freedom and are more controlled by others need more secrets. 

Most of the time, secrets exist behind beautiful things. I'm extremely vigilant against beautiful entities in this world because I'm familiar with how secrets work. When I first talked privately with Ah Tou, I found that she was as pessimistic as I was.

She didn't look like a pessimistic person, though.

"Everyone has secrets for different reasons. There's no one who doesn't need secrets." Ah Tou looked at me. She seemed a little reluctant to be talking about this kind of subject. I could tell that she was thinking about it deeply, but she appeared indifferent. “For some secrets, you have to be the person keeping it to know what it is. It’s impossible for outsiders to understand. For example, some mothers die without anyone knowing that they actually hated their children. You’d never feel it through social media or through personal interactions. It’s only when she’s alone with the child and the child has his back to his mother while doing his homework that you might be able to see a completely different look in her eyes."

Some novels talk about moments like this. It's why the world God sees is very different from the one we see. Strictly speaking, there aren't any truly innocent people in this world.

"What's the most unbelievable secret you've ever experienced?" I asked her.

Ah Tou sighed and looked at the tattoo on her hand. Her left hand was full of beautifully colored carp tattoos. “You have to exchange something with me."

I pushed the ashtray over. I had a whole afternoon to kill and could wait for her to set her conditions.

She looked at me and asked, "Wu Xie, what’s the secret in your heart? What is it that you’ll never let anyone know until you die?"

I thought of it as I looked up at her. She cocked her head and read me right away, “Ah… you do have one.”

I smiled awkwardly. Yes, she was right. 

I did have one.

"There's no shame in having a secret, right?" I asked her.

"You’re the only one who gets to decide whether it’s shameful to have a secret.” Ah Tou took a look at the photos hanging on the walls in my office. "If I tell you the most unbelievable secret I’ve ever experienced, then you’ll have to tell me what you were thinking just now.”

We were silent for a while and then she said softly, "Don’t just make one up. I'm too familiar with the logic behind secrets. Invented secrets have no sentiment.”

I smiled bitterly in my heart when I realized that this woman could see through people. She looked at me, "Let me guess. Do you… want to live forever?"

I was stunned for a moment and then shook my head. I had never thought of this kind of thing before. She realized that I wasn’t lying and lit a cigarette. “Fine, I was just guessing. I don’t think yearning for immortality is a shame anyway. I don't know why people are considered inferior if they want a long life. I wonder when novels and stories started praising death to prove that immortality is painful. I just don’t understand why they want to glorify death. It’s not like there’s a difference between being eaten by a lion and dying of old age."

"I think I do want to be immortal, but that’s not my secret," I said to Ah Tou. "If there’s no afterlife, I want to live forever. I still have a lot of things I want to do with my friends, but I’m not afraid of death. My life is rich enough, probably the second richest in the world. I’m satisfied. Anyway, I agree to your terms."

Ah Tou looked at me and then reapplied her lipstick. She looked gentler now. “I don’t want to bully you. I’ll tell you mine first. I didn't use to be like this. I used to be deeply in love with a man whose secret is incredible."