Cycles of Entropy

For a moment, I didn't understand what I was looking at. Why would they do this? If everyone saw this, they would have fled. This probably wasn't a plague, but... it was something and it was hurting people. What could matter so much that they were collecting bodies and hiding them like this? I felt the hot breath in the back of my mouth that indicated my dinner returning, but I forced it back. This wasn't what it had been when I snuck into the garden.

This was mass death being hidden from probable future victims. I was not a happy person. I was plagued with guilt and regret which swallowed my feet like cobblestone and stopped me from moving forward. But I didn't just regret being alive. I regretted inaction in the face of monsters. I felt guilt over letting them do what they did to my sister. At that moment, all the little games I played with myself didn't matter.

The self-pity and fake guilt I took on when something out of my control happened washed away. The anxiety over actually finding Camilla didn't matter. The hopelessness that I ever would was put away. In front of me, there was a true atrocity. The empty shells of people who had been ignored. The city wouldn't even admit they were gone. At that moment, I steeled my resolve. If my regrets truly mattered to me, if I really wanted to be better than I was, if I had any hope of feeling like I could ever be worth... anything, I could not ignore this.

I couldn't apologize. I couldn't find my sister, and I couldn't turn back time enough to save her. But I could refuse to repeat my mistakes. Outside of this garden, hundreds of people were still alive. Many of them had no idea what was in there. My heart beat out of my chest at the thought. I was a failure who had only hurt people and turned them away, and a huge part of me screamed that if I tried to do anything, I would only make things worse as I always had.

But another part of me dug its heels in and screamed back. If I walked away from what I was looking at, I would only confirm everything I believed about myself. Maybe it was because when I looked at that... mass grave, I knew that no one in the city would survive. So I knew that I couldn't really make things worse. Maybe it was because, no matter how much I beat myself up, I still only cared about and made everything about me and I was faced with something that was undeniably bigger than myself. Maybe there was still a spark of the girl who thought she was a great and powerful mage, and it finally found something to latch onto.

But I felt a true drive to act for the first time in over a year while I was standing in that garden. I was going to do something. I didn't know what, and as soon as I started trying to figure that out, the doubts started to return. So, instead of thinking, I walked out of the garden to be greeted by two startled guards.

"Aethon's light! What are you doing, girl?" the first guard exclaimed before both pointed their spears at me.

Before I could lose my nerve, I announced, "I need to speak to the Mayor." I didn't know what I planned to say to the mayor, or if I could maintain the facade of confidence when I got there. But it was what I thought of to say.

"You need to come with me, ma'am," the other guard said, pushing his spear closer. I felt the panic begin to creep in, like a darkness in the corner of my eye, so I rode the momentum and started casting. It was an easy spell, particularly on nonliving matter. I didn't even have to recite anything to get it to work. My blue aura bathed their spears, which slowed down immensely in their hands. All I had to do was gently step out of the way and the guards had to fight to follow me with them. It was no use, they clearly were no longer a threat. The guard's eyes widened as they realized what I was.

A little thrill ran through me like I used to get when practicing my spells. A spark of my past self came alive at the way I easily handled and befuddled armed opponents. It felt good... until it didn't. Until I remembered falling to the floor when assailed by the scared man in the inn. But I had to push that aside for now. I had to put myself aside entirely, or I would get caught in my head and convince myself to give up again.

So I spoke, instead. "I said I need to see the Mayor. This can't continue!" The two guards looked at each other, having a silent conversation. Then, they seemingly decided on something. They, ever so slowly, rose their spears back up to their sides, closed the gate, and... returned to their posts like nothing had happened.

"I'm not sure what you mean ma'am," the first guard dismisses, "ain't nothing in there but a garden. Now move along, it's closed for today." I gaped, and they stared forward.

"D-didn't you see what I did to your spears?" I stuttered, "I'm a mage! A powerful one! You are just going to... act like I'm crazy and ignore me?" At this, they just stared forward. I didn't understand it. 'Could rumors about me have already spread here? Did they think I was a fraud as soon as they saw what kind of magic I use?' I thought, my expression wavering. Just like that, my resolve melted and I felt small again. Why did I think I could do anything? I couldn't even impress two guardsmen in a fishing town.

I was just about to turn away, completely defeated, when I saw something. Their hands were shaking. As my spell faded and their spears returned to normal speed, they started shaking more. These two men... they were afraid. They didn't think I was a fraud but... something scared them more than being confronted with a mage. It's true that I wouldn't just... kill them in the street, but they didn't know that. And if they didn't know who I was... Most mages are extremely important, especially ones with unique spells.

There are those like Camilla and I who have been ostracized and exiled, and there are weaker ones who only inherited a little power. But they had no way to check if I was the former and I had just displayed I wasn't the latter. They could lose everything defying a mage as strong as me if I were in good standing. But they were pretending what I saw didn't exist and ignoring my demands like I was no one. Whatever they were afraid of, I figured it must have been terrifying.

Not terrifying enough to try and arrest me, but enough to dismiss me. Then again, responses in the inn had been strange too. A man attacked me right after watching me cast a powerful spell that crackled through the air like lightning. Livia was amazed but hardly reverent. I suppose seeing me in the state I had been in probably didn't help but... I supposed it was just another way this city was wrong. Maybe it was just the looming threat of death driving people a little crazy. Maybe it was just obvious what a failure I was.

In any case, those two were not going to take me to see the mayor. I didn't know what to say to him anyway. My courage was already fleeting and my apathy already taking the reins. In one last attempt, I attempted to get the guard's attention again, but all I succeeded in doing was making them sweat. Eventually, I had to give up. My mind continually whispered little excuses to me. 'If you start tomorrow, you will still be helping. There is nothing you can do. There weren't as many in there as you thought. The city will be fine, why would they all die?' And so it went.

As I walked away, I argued with myself. 'Who else even has a chance? I know what I saw! This is my chance to do something worthwhile!' But as I walked, vaguely in the direction I thought the wealthier residents might live in, the apathy was gaining ground. Then, I saw the little girl from the day before. She was still dressed as the goddess Luna, this time adding fake fangs to the ensemble. She was also ushering people to the play, the performance of Aethon and the Wandering Souls.

I don't know what it was about her, or the outdoor play, but I felt drawn to it. I should have had so many other things on my mind. I should have stayed focused on my task. It wasn't the apathy inside me winning. That part of me didn't much enjoy plays anymore. Or music, or good food. That part of me told me there was no point in things like that. Or rather, it simply dimmed the lights in my mind, so it was all bland, gray, and boring.

But for some reason, instead of asking for directions to the mayor's office, or estate, or wherever he was. I found myself buying a ticket, and taking a seat at the back of the stone benches. I didn't know what I was doing there. I knew this story, I'd heard it a thousand times. I'd seen a thousand versions of it performed. I didn't even particularly like it. But there I was, waiting for it to start when I had just resolved to do something that mattered, about something more important.

And as I sat there, watching the cast interact with the crowd and do silly tricks to placate us, I felt an unexpected emotion. I was angry. I didn't even know who I was angry at, but the anticipation of the play I had just inexplicably bought a ticket to made me angry. I actively didn't want to be there. 'So why am I?' I thought. But I didn't stand up. I waited and watched.

"What do you think of Aethon?" a voice asked and I jumped. Looking around, I found the little girl seated next to me.

"I'm sorry?" I asked and she looked up, honest curiosity on her face.

"I said what do you think of Aethon?" she asked again and I stared in bafflement.

"What do you mean?" I asked, growing more confused by the second.

"As a god. Do you like him? Do you love him? Do you trust him?" she clarified.

What kind of question was that? "Of course I trust him, we owe him everything. He gave us life and magic. Why wouldn't I?" I protested.

"Really?" she said like she wasn't expecting the answer I gave. "So you don't love him then?" I blinked.

"W-what? I said I trust him, why would that mean-" I begin before she speaks over me.

"I said do you like him, love him, and trust him? You only said you trusted him. So, you must not love him, right?" she challenged and I started to speak a few times. The words failed to come.

'What am I even doing there? Why am I waiting for this play? Do I... love him?' I thought.

"Well, no matter," the girl chuckled, "enjoy the play!" Then she danced off and began handing programs to the other audience members. I stared after her, blinking as I tried to process the exchange. Finally, I dismissed her as a strange little girl and refocused on the play. It looked like the crew was ready and the cast was retreating from their task of riling up the crowd.

I don't know how it happened, in an outdoor play. I didn't see another mage, and few would lend their services to a small-town theatre troupe like this, but one must have. The lights went dark, and the play began.