Cycles of Entropy

Pontius never returned. It was a possibility I should have considered. I didn't take special note of his death the first time. I didn't even know if he was at the inn when he died. Some dark part of my soul whispered about the consequences of sending him out on his own. He could have been killed by a victim of the Quiet because he was trying to help me. He could have been killed by the Quiet and hurt whoever he was talking to. With just the suggestion my mind tried to shut down. It tried to be the final grain of guilt that collapsed me. But I throttled it. I had to. I couldn't keep letting every obstacle hold me back.

I was growing convinced, somehow, that whatever was happening in Beddenmor was intrinsically tied to my sister in some way. At first, it was just the garden and Hadley, but the spell is what convinced me. The teal sparks that made me feel like I was with my sister again. I had to follow through on this. I had to stop the Quiet and end the loop to find Camilla. It wasn't just an obstacle. With the high of the spell enveloping me, I was nearly certain that ending the loop would itself be finding her.

But Mars couldn't do anything. Mars had never helped anyone in the long term. She had never made the right choice, even once. So I had to be Camilla. I had to emulate her confidence. Her kindness. Camilla would know what to do and she would make the right choices. She would worry whether sending Pontius out was the right call or not. If she'd done it, it would be. I would never have her mind and couldn't fake that, but with the loop, I could reach the right choice eventually. So I shoved the worries in a box and filed them way, deep in the darkest corner of my mind.

Livia had done her best, but we didn't have as clear a timeline as I'd have liked. All she'd heard were rumors and whispers. Rumors she had put consistent effort into muting. She wanted this inn to be a safe haven from the end of days. A place to forget how much everyone was losing. But she hadn't ignored them. She remembered every body she was told about. She grieved for every one of them, after she sent people back home every night. She knew enough. Combined with the streams, I had a list of places and times to visit on the next loop.

And I was going to visit them. I didn't know if I could face what I would find there, or if my feet would turn to lead and hold me in place. But Camilla would have helped those people and I intended to try. "I've been doing my best here because, well, I saw you do something I'm still struggling to process but... how is this all going to help?" Livia asked as I studied the list we had built together.

"It's a bit hard to explain," I hedged and she crossed her arms.

"Bullshit. I spent half my day on this, and Marcus was my friend. I deserve to know what it's going to do. How are you going to use this to help my friend?" She demanded. I looked at her guiltily. But... if she mocked me, I would simply have to withhold the information on the next loop. I wished I had accepted the loop for what it was sooner. The chains on my limbs and the muzzle on my mouth were more tied to the opinions of other people than I'd realized. The knowledge that I would have another chance changed everything.

"You're right, you do. The truth is, well... Do you ever get the feeling like something has happened before?" I asked and she shrugged.

"Sure, from time to time, what does that have to do with anything?" she replied and I started nervously chewing on my thumbnail.

"Well, it's a bit like that. Everything happening, it's happened before. And it will happen again. If I know when it happened the first time, I can try to stop it when it comes around again," I answered more than a little awkwardly. She narrowed her eyes at me.

"What in Aethon's name are you talking about?" She pushed and I started to rub my temples. It wasn't coming out right. I wanted to tell her, but I also wanted to hold back. As a result, I was giving her nonsense half-answers. So I let out a deep breath and tried it more directly.

"I'm a time mage. I'm caught in a spell gone wrong, and time is... looping. I am the only one who remembers it, as far as I know, but everyone who has died has already come back a couple of times. I'm building a timeline so I know where I need to go and when," I explained. Livia just stared blankly for a moment. She opened her mouth and the first sound of a word escaped before she paused and let out a sigh. There was an awkward moment before she shook her head.

"I've heard of mages doing some impressive things but this is a bit..." she finally responded.

"I know. I know it sounds mad. But you watched me bring a man back from death. I did that with time magic. It's reality, and it can help everyone." I answered hopefully. Her response was cruel. Not by design or intent, but by nature. Her face fell. The hope she had built up over the hours working with me washed away like wet chalk, but she didn't call me a liar. She didn't tell me I was insane or childish or anything like that.

"Oh, I see. Well, thank you for your help," she responded with pity. I wished she'd called me a liar. It would have been easier to stomach. I had been held in low regard by most people for a long time and I'd grown used to it. Pity wasn't the worst form it took but it was worse than the typical ridicule. The indignation at being doubted after proving myself had long since faded. It was almost always the response I got. No matter what I did. It was, truth be told, the response I had earned. The pity was hard to stomach, however.

"R-right," I replied. Had she believed me she would have had questions, like Harrison. She would have wanted to know how far I could travel or why I didn't simply go back to just before Marcus died. She'd want to know how it worked. But she thanked me and dropped it.

"Excuse me, I've been neglecting my work for too long," she excused herself. I watched her disappear through a door behind the counter. Not long after I heard the muffled thumping I recognized as anger and frustration, directed toward something inanimate. This did damage. I had thought I could shrug it off. I figured if she didn't believe me or if she ridiculed me, it would disappear on the next loop. She wouldn't know anymore and I could try something else. Of course that wasn't how it worked. I knew that.

Because whether Livia remembered or not, I would. I would remember her fallen eyes, filled with warring sympathy and disappointment. I liked Livia; she was a kind woman. It's a hard thing, knowing what someone you like really thinks of you. Or would think of you, if you were honest with them. My only consolation was that she only doubted my abilities and competency. I supposed I could have told her my past and vanquished any pity she had for me once and for all. But as with everyone else, I wanted to hang on the that thread of plausible deniability. I wanted to pretend that, even if she did know everything I had done, she would still want to be kind to me.

As Livia took the time to work out her frustration, I retired to my room in the inn. I couldn't take the paper with the schedule we had worked out with me, so I had to spend my time memorizing it. I needed to know it forward and backward so I wouldn't make any mistakes when I couldn't reference it. Of course, that wasn't the only reason I wanted to focus on it. While I was alone, putting all my effort into reading the line on the paper again and again, I could forget Livia's pity and disappointment. I could focus on my resolution to become like Camilla.

Camilla dealt with everything I had. All the same rumors and ridicule, and she never once let it hold her back. She burned as bright as her hair even while she was rejected by everyone she knew. She came here and she made friends. She grew a garden that reflected her soul. Steadfast and undaunted. One that could weather every season and storm. She wouldn't have lost her motivation because an innkeeper looked at her with pity. If I wanted to step into her shoes, I couldn't either.

I also wanted to distract myself from what was to come. Because, schedule or not, I was going to have to confront the Quieted. I wouldn't have a choice. Not a few dozen, as I had barely survived the night before. I had another day left. A day I desperately didn't want to see. Assuming the loop didn't reset until the end of the third day when the spell was cast, I had to live through a day where everyone in the city was a victim of the Quiet. Worse, I had to make it through the violence that would likely ensue before the last person was quieted.

When half the city was reanimating and the other half wasn't... I knew it was going to be a bloodbath. There was no way it wouldn't be. I'd seen people walking past the Quieted. Sobbing at their feet. They were all going to die at the hands of their friends and family. I would be forced to choose between freezing again and fighting to help them, only to watch them die and become the killers themselves. I had not, so far, managed to directly confront a single person. The next day, I was going to have to confront hundreds. It made my hands shake if I thought about it.

Part of me wanted to skip it and start over right away. It wouldn't be hard. I couldn't control the spell, but I could restart the same way I had the time before. It wouldn't be the first time I considered it. I had thought about doing it more times than I could count, but with more permanent consequences. But I couldn't. Camilla wouldn't have taken the easy way out of the final day. She would stay and fight. And I had to be Camilla, because Mars? Mars wasn't going to help anyone. Mars was going to stand outside and let people die because she was too afraid to move. I had to be Camilla.

Besides, it wasn't just the people I had to save. I had another appointment. Another mage was involved in this spell, and I needed to know who. I needed to know their focus and how they extended the range of their magic so far. I needed to make it to the pillar of light this time. I would force myself to move, to make the day as easy as I could for the others in the city, and so I could learn the most important information this loop had. I was going to meet another mage.

But resolutions were easier than reality, and facing the reality of what I had to do threatened to throw me out of my body again. I couldn't think about it. So I read and re-read the list of events. I would memorize those that night, and face the final day when it came. Hopefully, I would face it like Camilla and not Mars.

End of Day 2