Crazy Britain:They’re All Raising Me

Siegward of Catarina, nicknamed the Onion Knight, was one of Guinevere's favorite characters in the game Dark Souls III. Among the player community, he was affectionately known as "Onion Bro." Although there was another Onion Knight worth remembering in the original Dark Souls, that's a different story altogether.

In Dark Souls III, the player first encounters Onion Bro dozing in the middle of a tower. At that point in the game, a giant sniper is stationed to ambush players along a required path using massive arrows. Siegward was trying to find a way to talk to the giant but got stuck figuring out the elevator mechanism—eventually falling asleep while thinking it over.

Later, when the player finds themselves in combat with a nearby demon, Siegward jumps in to help without hesitation. After a victorious fight, he shares a drink—"Siegward's Brew"—with the player, raising his mug in celebration before immediately falling asleep again. That's how Guinevere first got the impression of a good-natured, bumbling knight.

Throughout the journey, Guinevere encountered Siegward multiple times. They once sat together by a fireplace and shared his soup, and the knight slowly grew on her. During one of their conversations, Siegward briefly mentioned his mission:

"Did you know? Somewhere in Irithyll lies a deep underground prison. They say beneath it sleeps the profaned capital—home of the Giant King Yhorm."

But Siegward soon trailed off and sighed deeply.

"...Promises can be such a bother."

Later, when the player rescues him from the dungeon in the Profaned Capital, he says:

"I must be off... This time, I mean to fulfill my duty."

Finally, when the player reaches Yhorm the Giant, Siegward appears, sword in hand, fear behind him, courage ahead. He raises his mighty Storm Ruler blade and declares:

"Yhorm, old friend. I, Siegward of Catarina, have come to uphold my promise... Long may the Sun shine!"

It was only after this epic moment that Guinevere learned from the Storm Ruler's item description that Onion Bro had been a friend of Yhorm's. Yhorm had once asked Siegward to slay him if he ever lost his mind.

But who was Yhorm? He was a Lord of Cinder, a hero of an age, whose soul could fuel the First Flame for centuries—a being of godlike power. Siegward stood no chance against him.

And yet, Siegward went anyway. Even though he feared, even though he hesitated—he went. All for a promise. Even though the Yhorm he once knew was long gone.

After the fierce battle, Siegward, having spent every last drop of strength, sat upon the battlefield and raised his mug one last time toward Guinevere:

"To your valor, my sword, our shared victory, our separate missions... and to my old friend Yhorm—"

"—Long may the Sun shine!"

And with that final toast, Siegward passed away after Guinevere left the battlefield.

When Guinevere finished telling the tale of the Onion Knight, she looked over and noticed that Bagst looked like she'd been rubbing her eyes. She kept murmuring softly:

"Even after all that time... he gave his life for a promise... What a noble knight."

It was clear—Bagst had a soft spot for knight stories. Perhaps surprisingly so—she seemed unusually sentimental.

"I'm feeling a bit hungry. I'll go whip up a late-night snack. You wait here, okay?"

Guinevere suddenly stood up.

"I-I'll help—" Bagst offered quickly.

"No no, it's fine, I got it."

Considering that Bagst, as a proud Fairy Knight, probably didn't want others to see her like this, Guinevere tactfully excused herself. When she noticed Bagst was about to follow, she gently stopped her, giving her time to collect herself.

But when Guinevere returned with a makeshift snack from the kitchen, she found Bagst had already fallen asleep at the table.

"Bagst?"

Guinevere called her softly—no response. She was fast asleep.

"Miss Gawain?"

Still nothing. Her breathing evened out, calm and peaceful.

"Wait... she's actually out cold?"

Guinevere gently nudged her. No response.

After a few seconds of thinking, he sighed. Looking at Bagst, who was no longer in armor but wearing a fairly light dress, Guinevere hesitated briefly, then removed his coat and gently draped it over her shoulders.

It looked a bit small on her, but it was the best he could do.

[After calling out to Bagst and failing to wake her, you decide to let her sleep. You sit across the table from her, planning to wait until she wakes up before sending her home. But halfway through the wait—you fall asleep yourself.]

[You have a habit of listening to knight stories before bed. So after hearing Guinevere's tale, you doze off while waiting for the late-night snack. When you finally stir awake, it's already morning, and Guinevere is sound asleep on the other side of the table.]

[Realizing your blunder, you feel a powerful urge to commit seppuku.]

[After some deliberation, you prepare breakfast for Guinevere, then quickly slip out of his room and hurry back to your own.]

[Unfortunately, as you leave his room, you run into Aiken, deputy to Nocnarel—who sees everything.]

[Back in your own room, you suddenly realize you're still wearing Guinevere's coat.]

[Panic sets in.]

"Crap."

Bagst slowly buried her face in her hands. Her mind buzzed.

There's no way to explain this now...

Guinevere was awakened by loud, aggressive knocking.

"What the hell... huh? Bagst is gone already?"

Seeing the now-empty chair across from him, Guinevere scratched his head. He was still groggy.

The knocking got more and more intense, like someone trying to beat the door down.

"Alright, alright, I'm coming! Who is it?"

Still half-asleep, he opened the door. Standing there were—

"Artoria? What brings you here this early? Huh? Bansee too? What's going on with you two?"

But Artoria didn't answer. She just marched in with a grim face. Bansee followed behind with a similarly dark expression.

"What's up with you two? Why the sour faces? Did Nocnarel slap you around again or something? Bansee, why do you look just as grumpy?"

Guinevere was puzzled.

Artoria said nothing and began looking around, suspiciously examining every corner like a wife searching for evidence of infidelity. Bansee hesitated, then spoke up:

"Um, Guinevere... we heard what happened last night..."

"Huh? Last night? Heard what?"

What the hell happened last night? And why does it sound like it involves me?

Guinevere tried to remember.

Wasn't last night just Bagst coming over to hear a story?

Before Bansee could say more, Artoria suddenly snapped:

"Guinevere just woke up... and Bagst made you breakfast?!"

"Wait, what?"

Guinevere blinked and ran to the kitchen. Seeing the prepared breakfast, he muttered:

"Wow... that's... thoughtful."

As the words left his mouth, Artoria stomped on his foot so hard he yelped in pain.

"OW! What was that for?! What did I do?! Why are you so pissed?!"

"I—!"

Artoria wanted to lash out and accuse him of being a two-timing scumbag, but as she opened her mouth, she realized...

What exactly was their relationship?

She wasn't his wife. Not even his girlfriend. Just... a companion.

That made her even angrier.

—So he's really that unfaithful?

She had heard the now widely circulating rumor: that Fairy Knight Gawain had spent the night with the human hero Guinevere, and was seen leaving his room in the early morning, disheveled and wrapped in his coat.

Artoria hadn't believed it at first.

After all, Bagst and Guinevere had only just met in this simulation. There was no time to build any real feelings. No way something like that could happen.

But Aiken swore up and down that he had personally seen Bagst leaving Guinevere's room in his coat.

Artoria used her Fairy Eyes.

—It was the truth.

No way.

What about all that slow-burn camaraderie she had been building with Guinevere?

What about the constant rivalry with Bansee and Nocnarel, all vying for his attention?

It only took ONE day for those two to...?!

Artoria felt like her lungs were about to explode from rage.

Seriously—was anyone allowed to come in and NTR her now?

Was Guinevere really that indiscriminate?! Couldn't he at least pretend to have some standards?!

And so, Artoria had dragged Bansee along and stormed over to Guinevere's place, ready to confront him.

But before she could even ask whether he and Bagst had actually... done it, she saw the breakfast Bagst had made.

And to make it worse—she smelled it, and realized... she was hungry.