NOVEL WEB Part 2 (Finale)
Oh, the weather inside was frightful. But the cold, just below freezing temps outside, seemed so delightful. At least, compared to dealing with the most passive aggressive bitch to ever walk the Earth. Dogs cowered, Children cried, Hotels refused to Trivago whenever she decided to disgrace our realm with her voice.
“Hey there Mr Tardy Pants. Last one to arrive has to wash dishes, you know? Though, with all that hair I’m sure it takes a while to get ready.” My Aunt Linda said with all the charm of a show tiger about to end a magician's career. “You really should get a haircut, you know. People might mistake you for a homeless person if it gets any longer.”
“Well, public transit and rideshares are a bit slower on the holidays. Not all of us can afford to drive an SUV to cart around our seventeen year old’s newborns everywhere. Just doing my part to cut down on the carbon footprint.” I responded, like a fisherman dangling the bait.
See, this is how the game was played. She would say something seemingly innocuous, but spritz in all the judgment of Dredd, and shake vigorously. Then, you can either choose to take it, or fire back with something equally as stupid that cis-het boomers think is something to judge someone over. It was exhausting, but I was so tired of just putting up with her shit everytime. And yes, it’s wrong to throw something like that back at her. People have so many layers to them, and who the fuck am I to say someone has passed or failed as a human being based on shit like that? But trying to explain that putting others down and being a narcissistic twatwaffle was no way to go through life, would only lead to an even bigger blow up. And I really didn’t want to do that to my Grandparents. Especially not when I was gonna finally come out to them. That could be an Easter conversation.
The edges of her mouth creased, before quickly covering up her annoyance with a smile. “Matthew’s doing wonderful, thanks for asking. I’m making sure he gets all the love and care he needs. He’s even tapping along to the hymns at church. I’m sure you of all people know how important having a godly parent in your life is. Need to make sure he doesn’t–stray from the flock.”
You ever wish you could just let someone know what you really think of them? Like, to truly let it all out and leave nothing but scorched earth in the wake of your words and feelings. I always had to be the better person, it was tiresome. More often than not, I was tired of being nice. I just wanted to go ape shit. But, at that moment, something my girlfriend once said rang out in my mind.
“You don’t have to keep anyone in your life you don’t want to. Don’t wanna talk to someone? Fuck off and leave them be. You deserve to only have the people in your life that you actually want in it.”
She was right. What’s better than trying to play some stupid fucking passive aggressive game? Just walking away. I literally didn’t have to respond. Fuck it. So I did. I turned, and made my way to the dining room to help my Grandma set the table.
My Aunts warped view of religion was always so shitty anyways. If it were up to people like her, they’d just take over the world and subjugate anyone who tried to fight back. Like a race of Alien Plant people conquering us and making people their mindless pets. Except, without the kinky, trans, and working through trauma parts. Her way would just be Florida and Texas amplified.
After setting the adults table, and kids table, everyone was wrangled into their respective seats. I was at the center, across from Vinny. My Grandpa at one end, and my Grandma at the other. The clowns on the left of me, were my Uncle and other Aunt who I never really talked to. Then the jokers to the right were my great Uncle, and Cousin Pete. All of whom had questionable taste in what was appropriate dinner conversation. Yet there I was, stuck in the middle with all of them.
My Aunt Linda, the one who put all Karen’s to shame, was sitting on the opposite side of me next to my Grandpa. Next to her and Vinny was Vinny’s mom, my other Aunt. And on the other side of him was his Dad and my Great Grandma.
The whole family was here, sans the kids and younger cousins in that weird age limbo, where they were too old for the kids table, but too young for the adults table. And well…other members that we were sure to hear about during the meal.
Linda was staring through me like she was hoping to manifest heat vision. It was oddly funny how much she hated being completely ignored. Maybe this would be more fun than I thought. But, like all fun, something terrible was around the corner. The mealtime prayer.
Like the good Lord himself, the mealtime prayer was a thing of legend. It was told at every event, and often by different people who interpreted the meaning in their own way. It was also, however, the best way for someone to work in all the people who died in one fell swoop. Cancer, car accident, stroke, badger nipple bite infection. You name it, our family had seen it. But for people who were around death all their lives, no one really knew how to deal with it. Then again, people will literally repress their rage until they start a fist fight on the lawn instead of going to therapy. So like, whatever was gonna happen, was gonna happen.
It finally came time for Grandpa to pick who was gonna say grace. Well, we stopped calling it grace after me and Vinny just kept saying the word ‘Grace” over and over one year and got scolded accordingly. Either way it was a nightmare. I hated it with a burning passion. We thank some invisible fuck in the sky for the food that was paid for, and cooked by the people here at the table. Seems to me like God might just have a praise kink. Join the fucking club buddy.
"I wanna thank everybody for coming and being here with us tonight. I know we've all been chompin at the bit to eat, so let's get started with prayer. Uhh…" my Grandpa scanned the table, like a terminator searching for human survivors.
I decided I was going to use Jurassic Park rules. Don't move, don't breathe, don't look in his direction, and maybe, juuuuuust maybe, I could get out of it this time.
After a metaphorical lifetime of suspense, he finally said, “Vinny! Would you be so kind as to lead us in prayer?”
Every fiber of my being relaxed in sublime relief. But, like a bungee cord, it all snapped over to him. Poor Vinny, I knew he hated this ritual as much as I did. And the fear in his face shone like a lamb encroaching its final moments before meeting the piston driven spike.
Okay, maybe that was a bit too dark of a comparison, but to be fair, we usually had a decent amount of lamb at holiday meals for most traditional recipes. Either way, Vinny’s face did not spark joy from being picked.
“Uhhhhhh…” He started in, trying his best to stall for time to think up a prayer. “Dear, lord. Thank you for bringing us all here today. Uh, thank you for this food and the love that went into it. And bless everyone who isn’t with us. And oh, happy birthday. Amen.”
Honestly, it was better than anything I could have come up with. There were some rolled eyes and disapproving looks from a couple people, but all in all we could finally eat. Maybe then things could just stay quiet for a bit.
“So, have y’all seen these riots on the news? Just because someone broke the law and faced the consequences. This country’s going to hell in a handbas…”
Well so much for quiet. “Hey I’ve got a better idea.” I interrupted my Uncle from saying something even worse. “Why don’t we just keep it to ‘dinner appropriate’ topics? It is the holidays.” I put on my customer service voice.
Vinny mouthed “thank you.” at me while my Uncle just grunted and angrily grabbed a roll. Luckily things settled a bit after that. There were a few awkward topics to navigate but overall it was a decent meal. Dodged a few questions about my hair length, made a couple of terrible puns, and even got through a war story from my grandpa without him acting out how to properly choke someone. Trust me, he was doing it wrong.
It was all going fine until…”No I mean it. We need to get back to Women being Women, and Men being Men. All this pronoun hooey and gender confusion is nothing but trouble.” My Aunt had finally gotten enough wine in her to start being an outright bitch instead of an underhanded one.
My Grandma chimed in. “Linda, this isn’t anything we need to be talking about.”
My chest constricted like an Ekans around a Pidgey.
“No, no. I’m serious. Just cause someone says they’re a cat-boy-girl-werewolf, doesn't make reality not true. God doesn't make mistakes.”
“Um, I really think…” My voice was nothing but a whisper. Drowned out by the commotion that was beginning to stir at the table.
I could feel the words in my throat. Begging to explode over the mashed potatoes and adjacent grape leaves.
“Women give birth, Women have wombs, Women are being erased by this demonic ideology.”
I didn’t even focus on how hard I was gripping my dinner roll, if bread diamonds were a thing I would’ve had one. Everyone else was either too confused as to what sparked the conversation or slowly nodding along. Pretending like it was just another one of her rants. But this was different. This was beyond her usual classist, right leaning, stuck up bullshit. This was rhetoric. I’d heard it before, but never here. Not in my home.
“Why don’t you just calm down hon? People are gonna be peop…” My grandpa tried to cut her off. If only he’d succeeded.
“I won’t, because this affects me, it affects you, your grandchildren, all of us. They’re not people, Dad.”
Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up.
“Just like when the gays started…”
“FUCK THE SHUT UP!” I shouted.
The words left my mouth, and the roll left my hand before my brain could even process what it was doing.
My Aunt, stunned by the bread that made contact with her face, stared at me with a befuddled look on her face. I looked around the table and everyone was looking at me. I didn’t even realize until that moment that there was a steady stream of tears running down my face.
I’d wanted to wait until after, but fuck, Linda always pushed me in the worst way. So fuck it, Family Drama time.
“Um, now that I have y’alls attention. Um, I have something to say.” I took a deep breath. My body, both numb and alight with adrenaline at the same time.
“I’m…”
Before I could finish the next word. Vinny stood up, pushing his chair back, and exclaimed, “I’m gay!”
If the room was silent before, we’d hit ultra silent. All heads turned from me to him with blank stares.
“I’m gay. I have a boyfriend, his name is Lucas, and he’s a really great guy. I’ve known since I was a kid. But I never had the courage to tell any of you. Because of exactly shit like this. Linda, you're a hateful bitch and you can hide behind all your bible verses, but at the end of the day, I’m happy with who I am, and I have a partner who loves me. Can you say the same?” With that, Vinny sat back down and began to down his water like he was a fish gasping for air.
I…holy fuck. I mean, obviously good for him. It made sense now why we always got along. Not to mention jesus christ he really took a shot at her knowing damn well she’s on her third divorce. If hadn’t been so stunned, I would have fucking started a slow clap.
God damn, now that the ice was hulk smashed into oblivion, all my pent up fear kinda vanished. Way to go Vinny.
I stood up next. “I’m transgender. I’m a Woman. I realized it a few years ago and my girlfriend also knows. She didn’t come today because I wanted to do this on my own. My name is Claire, and I hope that you’ll understand and respect that.” All the heads had turned back to me by the time I sat back down.
Most moments pass. They happen, then move on to the next. This is the concept of linear time that most humans understand. Unfortunately though, we were not in linear time at that moment. We existed in a moment outside time and space. A realm in between dimensions. No future, no past, and certainly no present. It was a twisted, contorted, tainted eternity that went far beyond the concept of existence. Beyond nothingness. It’s what I like to call the Sphere of Fuckery. That moment, between saying those words, and awaiting a response, a reaction, to ignite the next moment in whatever it may bring. That moment exists in that Sphere. Nothing would ever be the same. You can’t take it back. Whatever may happen next, will just have to happen.
“Y-you’re disgusting!” My Aunt spit out. “How dare you treat me this way. And to say such lies!” She turned to me specifically. “I wish your Mother was here to see this. She would be…”
“Yeah! I wish she was too.” I cut her off. “But she’s not. And no amount of anything will change that fact.” My voice cracked. “I wish a lot of things were different, but you know what? I wish that for once, you’d stop putting other people down and take a good fucking look in the mirror and see what a hypocrite you truly are.”
There was another silence. No one dared make a sound in fear of making things worse. Until my Teta cleared her throat.
“Everyone is gonna be quiet and let me speak.” The eighty year old woman took control of a room like no one else. “I can’t say I understand everything that you all are talking about. But you are my family. And I want you to be happy. And I love you no matter what. Vincent?” She turned to Vinny. “You better bring that boy over here as soon as you can so we can meet him. Gotta make sure he can keep up with us youngins.” She smiled.
Then she turned to me. And my heart stopped. “Sweetie. Your mother was taken from us too soon. A parent should never have to bury their child, and a child should never have to go without a parent. Like I said, I don’t fully understand everything. But you are our child. Not grandson. But our child. We love you no matter what, and want nothing more than for you to be yourself.”
The dams broke and my eyes flooded with a tidal wave of tears and emotions.
“Now!” She continued. “If anyone has a problem with that. Well you can either keep it to yourself. Or you can leave.” With that, she leaned back and waited for what came next.
What came next was the world fucking record for silences at our dinnertable. Linda’s face was god damn priceless. She kept looking around for any kind of validation. Even my Grandpa just shook his head in disappointment. It was clear that no one was going to back her up on this.
“Well if that’s how you’re going to be. You need Jesus in your lives.” She stood up, and stormed out of the room.
The following hour was certainly one of the hours of all time. Things were awkward, tense, and honestly the most relieved I’d felt in years around my family. No more secrets. No more pretending, just answering some odd questions and helping clean up the kitchen.
I think me and Vinny both were just happy not to be the only “Gay Cousin” in the end. And on the upside of it, we added each other on Discord and it turns out, he actually made furry art. Really, really horny furry art. But it was good. And I told him I knew plenty of people who would want to commission him.
“Hey, Teta?” I said as I set the last plate in the dishwasher. “Thank you for being so awesome. And for being a great Mom.”
She wiped her hands on her apron and wrapped me up in her wonderful old lady hug. “You’re my bo…girl. I love you no matter what. I just want you to be happy. That’s what family is for. Plus now I can give you physical copies of all my recipes, and you can help with all the meal prep from now on.”
Is it bad to feel validated by horribly out of date gender stereotypes? Like it feels kinda sexist and patriarchal, but at the same time, my Grandma was telling me I was one of the girls now. Conflictidated? Valicted? Whatever it was called, I was just happy that I had finally come out for the holidays.
