NOVEL WEB 64: Closure, for the Reunited
It's Mine.
A staggering sensation of possessiveness raged through her with that thought. Her arms and fists clenched so tight that her muscles creaked. An immense satisfaction inflamed her mood.
Mine.
Something taken from her — something she could take back.
History. Past. Heritage. Identity.
Those old memories that once seemed so hopelessly vague, now held an evermore nostalgic quality. The stormy mix of chakras saturating the room tickled her recollections playfully, warmly, gently.
It made her nervous. It made her eager.
Mournful. Melancholic. So much contrast... how did all of these feelings coexist?
A tinkling of laughter, mirthful and sweet, echoed faintly in her mind. A memory?
'Sumika...' the memory of a gentle voice had laughed.
So sweet, so reassuring. A faint memory of a voice laughing, calling out her name.
Whatever else that voice might have said, she could not hear. The rest had faded beyond recognition, but she swore that single word rung clearly in her mind now.
Who said that? Whose voice was that? The girl could not remember, save that it must have been close to her heart.
Why did she remember it now of all times?
Pale faces framed by red hair, blurry and indistinct. This single snippet of sound as well...
Surely, these were memories belonging to a girl with a name, a child called Sumika. A name the girl once had only a piece of. Her name.
It's Mine!
In the past she had chosen a name, 'Kana', with which she had declared herself free. Free from captivity, free to forge a future of her own. But now... perhaps it was only now, after reclaiming that name, that identity and past which had been taken from her... perhaps it was only now that she could be truly free.
Free from a future filled with self-doubt, and emptiness, and that horrible hollow feeling.
For now, she felt something greater.
Something she was lacking. A piece of herself put back in place. A vindicated certainty, a source of composure and confidence with which to base the foundation of her own self-understanding. A place to start when she felt truly lost.
And she had felt lost indeed, for quite some time. Such a fact was all the more clear now.
Face still composed and neutral, water flowed smoothly from her eyes down over cheeks until she felt it drip from her jaw.
Sumika wept, but she did not cry. Her body expressed a passion that no words could capture. Not despairing or sorrowful, but with a profound sense of catharsis. A fulfilling release.
Even so, her throat squeezed tight, choked with a silent and internal tension. Even if she had wanted to speak, her voice would have failed her.
Though her body was reacting, Sumika's focus was very much inside her own head. Someone, surely Tsunade, was bracing Sumika's shoulders carefully, propping the girl up where she had fallen to her knees, an open palm caressing her back. Other voices flitted in the background, speaking in muffled tones. These ones were not memories, but real.
Still, shocked beyond belief, staggered beyond composure, and overwhelmed beyond words, Sumika had not the focus to listen to them despite her curiosity.
While on the surface, her thoughts raged with confusion and desires and questions, deep within she felt a core sense of peace that pulled her mind further inward.
If there was ever a home for the mind, a pathway for freedom and expression of the soul, then it surely began with one's name. With one's self-identity. Awareness and recognition of one's own self was fundamental to the health of the mind.
Who am I? Who am I, really? Who was I? Where did I come from? Why am I here? What happened to me? Why am I alone? What was my life like before? Can I recover myself? Am I but a fragment, a lost piece, a shadow? Can I return to who I was before? What awaits me in such a past? Why does it hurt to not know?
Doubts like these were dangerously destabilizing. She had experienced similar thoughts in the past. When self-doubt ran so deep that it touched even these most central of fixtures, a mind could never be at peace with itself. It could be assuaged with comforting ideas, or believable lies, but in the end doubt could always shake a mind right down to its core.
But now...
Raising both hands to her forehead, she brushed her fingers through her silken red hair, combing back bangs where they had fallen in front of her face.
"My name... is Sumika." came a barely audible and contented whisper, but the corners of her lips rose with a slight laugh. Though as her slanted smile widened, so too were her lips drenched by her still profusely pouring tears.
Never before had a single sentence left her feeling so shaken, so filled with conflicted reactions. Gratitude mixed with a giddy sort of fear. Finally she had confirmation. Someone knew more about her than she did herself. But there would be more questions, so many more questions. Perhaps this what was it meant to experience revelation, to feel as if one's very nature was exposed to scrutiny. A scrutiny she had done her best to avoid up until now...
Kana now knew her true name was Sumika, but... that did not mean the name 'Kana' had no truth to it.
Though 'Kana' was the name she chose for herself when she was lost and confused, both names held meaning.
It was special and important in a different way. Like the difference between Truth and Belief. One a fact, the other a choice.
But to Sumika, the ability to choose for herself was of paramount importance. And the name 'Kana' was symbolic of that sentiment.
Such independence and contingencies served to satiate her fears of being captured and exploited. Fears grounded in a regrettable reality.
One name a source of Confidence, and the other of Conviction.
Though the distinction was subtle, it could not be denied. Conviction without Confidence was a lie, and Confidence without Conviction was tepid and weak. Both were needed.
Kana had always been Sumika, but 'Kana' was still only but one piece of her identity, albeit a most important and cherished one. But with the knowledge of her true name, she felt herself more complete at heart. And that brought emotions so intense that her violet eyes could not help but perpetually overflow with tears.
Tears of Relief. That was what she dubbed them in her overactive mind.
However, when Sumika had whispered and laughed, it had refocused her attention on the present. Attention that slowly roused the girl from her thoughts back to some semblance of coherence; her endless introspection now calmed by an irreplaceable and stabilizing truth. Even if her face was saturated with teary dampness.
In this newfound coherence, Sumika noticed that the chakra around the room was dissipating, fading, and with it went part of the nostalgic sensation that had so utterly consumed her before. With this departure, words of conversation once again began to make sense to her ears.
Unfortunately, her senses reoriented only halfway into whatever conversation was ongoing.
"..-prepared several options. The path forward remains largely the same, but the implications will depend on the girl herself. After all of this, her opinion on this comes first..." Mito was calmly explaining, "I promise you that Tsuna. I owe it... a debt of blood."
"Mmm, I still favor direct registry with the clan." Tsunade replied, pondering seriously with one hand on her chin, "She damn well ought to be afforded the full status and privilege of the position, but..."
"But that comes with it's own problems, yes." Mito finished for her, while staring up at the ceiling. "This country is at war..." the old woman concluded enigmatically, causing Tsunade to grimace darkly.
Seeing Tsunade wear such a troubled expression, a strange and surreal impulse welled within Sumika, a bit like being a spectator in her own body. She felt her arms move from where they had been dangling limply at her sides.
Before she could really realize it, Sumika had leaned over onto Tsunade's shoulder and her arms weakly enfolded the older woman's waist. Her eyes were still a bit glassy and blurred with tears, but Sumika was pleased that she could see Tsunade's expression shift to one of surprise and then tenderness as the Sannin whipped around to face her.
Ah... that was the feeling, the origin of that comfort Sumika had come to know recently. Having experienced it so profoundly and intensely just now, she felt she understood a bit better that feeling she noticed. To see and understand what another was thinking or feeling reflected in their face. Such understanding brought ease and comfort to Sumika. It told her frantic mind what to expect. It eased her anxious uncertainty.
And for Tsunade... the blonde Sannin was always so expressive, and her expressions so honest. Clear and reactive, even if the emotions she expressed were negative. It was great for Sumika and her limited experience, this effortless nonverbal communication. She felt as if she were learning so much.
It also made her feel... closer. But to, ...to what exactly?
"Kan-" The Sannin began with a smile, then hesitating with, "-..er, Sumika..?"
To see the formidable Jōnin's awkwardness in struggling to address her appropriately, Sumika felt a warmth inside her lungs that emerged as a puff of breath. The smile on her face shifted to one of bemused confusion. A... laugh? Had she just laughed? She idly noticed that her tears had ceased flowing as well...
Well, that would be a mystery to unpack later. For now Sumika just shook her head, allowing her gaze to slip from Tsunade's face and her head to rest against the fold of the woman's shoulder.
"...I am Sumika. My true name, Tsunade-san. I'm sure of it. You can just call me that. In truth, I'd be... grateful if you did."
With that, Tsunade's brown eyes widened and then slowly closed, arms pulling Sumika into a tighter and tighter embrace. Sumika felt her joints creak again.
"My cousin, dear cousin. Sumika-chan, I'm... I'm so glad we could meet." she croaked between shuddering breaths, head resting atop Sumika's own. Affectionate, so affectionate. An unknown warmth burned around Sumika's heart.
Behind her head, she also felt one of Tsunade's hands trace across her hair ornament... the clan relic, a gift so it seemed, bearing the sigil of Tsunade's Senju Clan. Thoughts of the ornament again brought a fuzzy feeling to Sumika's heart, but soon after, Tsunade found her will to speak again, voice heavily laden with emotion,
"Family... family is very important to me... and I- I, can only you hope you feel..." she broke off, voice choked by thoughts and feelings unknown. But Sumika could feel it through Tsunade's voice, her embrace, through the very beating of the woman's heart... just how genuinely she was cherished in this moment.
That brought a small and tired smile back to Sumika's lips. She was completely at a loss for how to react to these feelings, save to notice that complex emotions were roiling around within the depths of her own heart. But after a short silence, a beautiful thought occurred to her,
"Tsunade-san, you are... you are the first to call me by name, by my true name. The first I can remember at all." she said, a pensive look overtaking her face as her eyes once again met Tsunade's, "Thank you... for that. I'm... glad it was you."
Tsunade's face wavered, her eyebrows creasing up into a soft and touched expression — a look unreservedly gushing with tenderheartedness.
"Sumika-chan, s-such a thing, I can hardly-" she pressed her face into Sumika's shoulder, hiding her reaction. Sumika could hear the Sannin's jaw clenching and feel her shoulders trembling rhythmically. As such, Tsunade's voice came out muffled by the cloth between them,
"I don't even k-know what to say. How can I... even begin..." she trailed off, her thoughts left unsaid.
Still though: softness, warmth, affection. A connection between the two of them. Sumika lacked the words to describe the meaning of this connection, but in that moment she knew... it was another part of the happiness she craved.
There were few times in Sumika's life where she could say that she was completely at ease, but for these unknowably short moments, she felt contented.
And that was all she had ever wanted. Whatever could make her feel that way. Happy, at peace.
Tsunade... what an amazing person.
Sumika marveled at the bizarre path which had led the two to each other, and at her luck in finding, finding...? Just what was it that truly she found here?
"Sumika-chan..." Tsunade said, voice serious while lifting her head.
Soon their eyes met again, and whatever the Sannin saw, it caused her gaze to crumple into something both pained and yearning. Tsunade faltered again, her voice choked on a cry. Even after a second attempt, she failed to utter the words in her heart. Instead Tsunade's complexion had paled, clearly distraught.
So palpably passionate, Tsunade's expressions were, that it was hard to think. One could barely even react. Still worn-out from before, it was all Sumika could do to resist being overwhelmed again. The girl tilted her head in confusion, but Tsunade only shuddered and wiped at her tears.
"I-I'm sorry. Forgive me... another time and I'll ask again. Don't mind it, please..."
"Okay...?" Was all Sumika managed.
"Tsuna... give yourself time." another sad and weary voice sounded, causing both Tsunade and Sumika to jolt slightly and look to the side.
R-right, they weren't alone here. Lady Mito lay on her bed as she was the whole time, and a muted look of somewhat lonesome endearment on her face. At the very least, she seemed much calmer than the outburst which Sumika last remembered from her. Well, given how long the girl was lost in thought, it was only to be expected that everyone else in the room had settled down, too.
She had definitely not forgotten about Lady Mito in the moment. Definitely.
"You two... I hope you didn't forget I was here, " Mito smiled softly, eyes barely open.
Tsunade shared a somewhat perturbed glance with Sumika. It wasn't their fault that Mito hadn't spoken up until now. What was with that invisible presence, too? Seriously unnerving...
"You... you didn't, did you? Tsuna... I understand, but..." as she looked to Sumika, the girl found herself avoiding the elder's gaze, "...you too, then. Heavens help me, you both must be two of a kind." Mito continued, shaking her head subtly.
Still, Sumika noticed no ill intent in those words, so she didn't know what to make of this situation. A bit of blood flowed to her cheeks, which felt ever-so-slightly warmer. She responded by reverting her face to placid neutrality, her default expression.
However, Lady Mito's next words were for the disgruntled Tsunade, "Alright Tsuna, I think we have made ourselves clear enough to each other now. As we discussed, I think the rest should wait until... we get the most important opinion."
At that, Tsunade begrudgingly nodded, "Right, but shouldn't I stay for that? Sumika-chan here... will have a lot to think about. What if she... needs my support?"
The Sannin tightened her grip around Sumika's shoulders as she said this, seemingly having trouble figuring out what she wanted to say, moreover in such an ambiguous way.
"Shouldn't you?" Mito asked, intoning inquisitively, "Some few minutes ago I detected Dan entering the estate. Arriving at this time of evening.... and after the harrowing tales of life and death you've just told me... I'm sure the two of you have lots of catching-up to do, hmm?" The old woman's lips formed a faint and sweet smile.
"G-Grandmother...!" Tsunade, heavens above... Tsunade's face flushed so deeply that its color almost approached the reds of Sumika's hair,
"What are you sayi-" she cut off, taking a deep breath to compose herself, "..er, saying in front of Sumika-chan?!"
Sumika herself actually hadn't much time to consider the implications of those words, since the Sannin's deep breath and tightening grip had inadvertently squished the girl's face into a source of bountiful Softness.
"Dear me, Tsunade, whatever could you mean? I'm sure you and young Dan have a lot to discuss tonight. Would you like me to tell you exactly, in detail, what I'm saying? I'm sure I could guess the particulars..."
Even sporting such a deep blush, Tsunade seemed to debate with herself. Looking up at the Sannin, Sumika let their gazes meet naturally,
"Err... I'm not sure what all is going on, but I feel a lot better now. I don't think I'll be all out of sorts again, so..."
Sumika felt herself hugged close once more, which cut off anything else she might've added.
"Such a good girl. I swear I won't let you down." Tsunade tendered fiercely. Though, much quieter, she added "...not again."
Words echoed out once more from behind the embracing pair,
"She'll be fine Tsuna... and you know everything we'll discuss. You and Dan have your own worries right now, so let... Sumika and I handle the rest together, hmm?"
