Catalyst

Sitting at a fine mahogany table across from his only friend, Xenron tried to accept the reassurance that should bring. He was still rattled from the prior evening, but the dining hall’s high ceilings did have a cathedral-like quality that turned his mind from anxiety to pondering. Taking a breath, Xenron focused back on his meal and the conversation.

“Did you catch the newest Greatsword of Glory episode on Friday, Leo?” Xenron posed.

“Obviously,” Leo replied easily. “After the last episode’s cliffhanger I had to see what happened to Leif… even if that orbital laser nonsense came out of nowhere.”

“It did not! General Elwood was hinting at it last season,” Xenron said.

As the small-talk went on, Xenron remained fixated on Leo’s composed posture, the way he cut steak into geometrically even pieces, the way he checked his watch at almost exact intervals. Leo wore a long sleeved black uniform with brass buttons, no wrinkles, and stiff black gloves as he always did. His brown hair was neatly combed and posture upright. These things put Xenron’s mind at ease. He was unconsciously drawn to the order of Leo’s life, as if proximity would bring his own into balance.

“Xenron, aren’t you having any stone root?”

Looking at the gray vegetable that boiling had barely softened, Xenron grimaced. Even from across the table, the steaming root’s spice stung his nostrils. It was like standing inches from a large bonfire and trying to endure the heat. But enduring it was one of many expectations held for those in the prestigious KEY program. Kin in Extraordinary Yearning - rumor had it the eccentric Emperor Florian fell in love with the acronym before deciding what it could reasonably stand for. Still, the name worked well enough. The rectangular and round tables that littered the dining hall held the strongest, most ambitious youths in the Xexen Empire. Of course, Xenron was not among them – he had none of the strength, intellect, or willpower needed to stand among people like Leo - the empire's specialists in training, the KEYs to the future. Last night had proven that to him.

“Is there any point, Leo?” His deep coffee-brown eyes stared disapprovingly back at Xenron, who shrank back. “You’re right, of course.” He continued in a lower tone after looking each way. “It doesn’t seem to be helping, though,” he finished. He couldn’t have the wrong people picking up on the worst detail - that at present, he was completely powerless.

Leo’s gaze softened. “Consuming stone root regularly is the best way to increase stabilization capacity, which can increase sustained mana levels. Since the roots of relic trees absorb sigma radiation, they need this infrastructure. Of course, they also do an unfortunately good job of protecting themselves with inflammatory oils, hence the spice.” Leo hesitated for a moment as his technical explanation lapsed, as if unsure how to continue. Matching Xenron’s earlier quiet, he said, “It’s no guarantee, unfortunately. But it’s an advantage, right? I… want to see you succeed.”

“Logically you’re right, of course,” Xenron conceded.

“Xexherre above.” Johan muttered scorn at Xenron from a table away, and he rose and strode across the obsidian-black tiled floor to confront the prince. Standing nearly a full head above his pathetic meter-and-a-half height, Johan was intimidating without effort. Seated as Xenron was, he would have been in Johan’s shadow if not for the even, ambient lightning that shined on the marble walls enclosing the dining hall. No matter - Johan’s grimace created all the darkness he needed. “Princeling, when are you going to start taking all of this seriously?” Xenron stared down at his plate without a word, his rows of teeth firmly pressed into each other.

“Johan, will you just let us eat? It’s none of your business,” Leo interjected.

Johan gave Leo a tired expression. “I don’t get why you coddle him, Leo. You’re supposed to fight and die to defend someone who doesn’t care about his own strength? You know the histories. It’s like defending King Alexander. You might as well jump headfirst off the top of the castle.”

“Alexander was a good man,” Leo countered, restrained anger rasping in his voice.

“And what did that count for?” Johan asked then turned to glare at Xenron. “At least Alexander could speak for himself!” Then, his hand blurred, and then everything went white. No, Xenron realized after a moment, as his vision began to clear. Johan didn’t knock me out. Though he certainly could have. No, as Xenron’s vision cleared, it was to the sight of Leo standing, holding Johan’s outstretched hand still inside one of his ever-present leather gloves. He had gotten up at some point. Xenron replayed the flurry of movement before the flash in his mind - there wasn’t much. Leo’s hand had rushed out - the motor component of a cast - but he hadn’t said a word. Forcing his light spell - even the simple Flash Orb - without a verbal component would burn a lot of mana, but Leo’s poker-face didn’t show the strain. His intense expression, solid stance, the fluidity of his earlier movement, the intensity of Leo’s aura; Xenron froze it all in his mind at that moment, determined to examine it later. In that intentness, he noticed the way Leo’s hand was shaking. Johan must have noticed as well, by his response.

Another flurry of motion that Xenron could process only in hindsight. Johan twisted his hand around to regrab Leo’s grip, then grabbed under Leo’s arm. A shoulder throw - the end result in a mere flash was Leo on the ground, gasping for air.

“Let’s not be hasty, Leo. I just wanted his cuff,” Johan said.

This power - Johan had a case for strongest in Tier II class, depending on the criteria - was the threat that had rightly kept Leo out of the way last time Johan had descended on Xenron. For Leo, an Infiltration and Support Specialist, Johan’s raw power and speed were a nightmare to face head on. Johan hadn’t hit Xenron - not yet. But perhaps he could get away with that also. The KEY program generally expected students to solve problems and create power dynamics amongst themselves, and Xenron’s father wouldn’t think anything of a sniveling child who couldn’t fight his own battles, either. So while Johan couldn’t know it, Xenron had no recourse, and Leo was worse off still. If Johan was inclined to follow up and snap Leo’s bones, Leo would probably receive demerits for failing to fit in amongst his peers and make strong enough allies to stay safe. Bullshit, Xenron thought. It was all so damn wrong. Xenron should cast a shadow long enough to protect anyone who had ever met him - let alone his only friend.

Xenron’s muscles had clenched the moment Leo hit the ground. For a fleeting moment, the terror of a prey animal was gone, and Xenron was determined to fight. Then, he felt absurd. How ridiculous it would be for a useless noble to throw himself angrily at a problem, only to fail to solve it in any way? He would throw away his last shred of dignity and hasten his assassination, along with some disastrous fallout, in a single move. After all, if the factions knew how easy such an attack would be, not even his father’s looming shadow could hold all of them back. Under Johan’s oppressive gaze, Xenron’s heart beat slowly and quietly, as if for some great fear of being discovered. He was small again. He was prey again.

“My esteemed prince, I implore you to consider your long-term strength and its implications when you join us for a meal. It affects thousands of people - with families, all - in places you could scarcely imagine.”

Xenron, for a moment, thought he could feel desperation from Johan. The moment passed, and the prince’s stomach contracted as if to empty itself. With airy and pained speech, he could only manage a few words.

“Th-thank you, Johan. I’ll try to do better.”

Johan gave a brisk nod before returning to his meal without a word. Xenron could feel the stares on him, and did his best to ignore them. He reached out to help his friend up, asking if he was okay, offering to bring him to medics. Leo slapped Xenron’s hand away, his own hand still trembling. Is he more terrified of Johan than I am?

“I’m fine,” the dark-eyed boy said with a distant look, before making his way slowly to his feet. “It was my mistake.”

At that moment, though he would feel foolish for it later, Xenron was certain that Leo hated him. That was beyond what he could take. Without another word, Xenron shouldered his backpack. He walked as quickly as he could from the room, trying not sob or make it obvious that he could break down at any moment.

***

Xenron walked into the classroom where Ms. Vale was waiting a while after his encounter with Johan. His eyes had nearly lost their redness, and he thought he had buried the worst of the unwanted visions.

“Xenron, you’re late again. You know you can’t afford that habit, don’t you?”

He sighed heavily and nodded his assent - his teacher’s eyes narrowed.

“Don’t you?” she said more sternly.

“Y-yes ma’am.”

“Very well, then. Onto history. Recite what you know about Ike Emmerson’s rebellion.”

The discussion went on for some time. Xenron distractedly rambled about Alexander’s assassination, his lover Reiner’s furious campaign against the corrupt Emmerson mining company, and all the lives it cost. When he was done, he realized his eyes had drifted. But not before he felt his teacher’s fingers at his neck.

“120 bpm,” Ms. Vale said, straightening in her seat. “But you didn’t even flinch as I took your pulse.”

Xenron searched for a way to explain himself, looking side to side as if something in the room might assist him. The plain walls with shelves of ancient books mocked his search in the language of dust and indifference.

“Look at me,” his teacher said, her voice soft. He looked into her lime green eyes - bright like Johan’s, but much softer. Her face had some early wrinkles from too much stress, but he almost didn’t see them with her present expression.

“What’s going on, Xenron? I should hope I’ve earned your trust by now.”

Xenron laughed nervously. “Nothing’s wrong. Everything is as it always has been.”

She looked into his shifting gaze and, after a few moments, gave a shuddering nod.

“Then I am remiss as a teacher. And you as a student! Do you know what would happen if something happened to the prince?”

“You mean, if he died? They would manage. My father is sturdy, and mother… well, he can find another. It might be for the best - giving him the push to roll the dice for better luck.”

“Xenron, do not speak that way.” Ms Vale said, pointing at him, her voice terse. She forced her expression to relax into pained frown. “You must trust me when I say that the Xexen empire needs you to be prince.”

“Really? Have you met me?” Xenron said, gesturing flippantly at himself. “I’m lucky if I can get up in the morning. Xexherre at half my age was as literate as I am now and could melt a boulder,” Xenron shot back.

“False equivalence. Xexherre is revered as a God,” Ms. Vale said evenly.

“And the same is demanded of me. Don’t you dare pretend it’s not so. We’re at war. Father is away. If we show weakness in the wrong forum, it could mean rebellion, coups, perhaps a demonic summoning or two, all before lunch! Anything I forgot? Because everyone seems to love to tell me about it!”

The two stared at each in tense eye contact for several seconds before Xenron looked away. He was trying to use caustic humor as a defense mechanism. He didn’t feel defended. He felt hollow. This wasn’t the way to speak to his tutor. She deserved sincerity, at least.

“For a while I thought I could do it if I just kept at it long enough. I would become strong like my father and every emperor before him, and be the greatest leader and warrior of the Xexens. I might even like it. But I can’t cast a single spell,” Xenron said, looking down at his empty hand, as if something should be there, “and I can’t even empower my body. For as long as I can remember, it has felt like at the end of the road - whatever road I take - is nothing.” Xenron shuddered. “No. Worse than nothing. I can feel something crawling in my chest with each heartbeat. Like I’ve already done irreparable harm, and the memory and punishment will be before me in one tick of the clock.” Through the hot tears came an image of a young girl, hands around his neck, her teeth bared in an angry snarl, her face smeared with mud and blood and tears. It staggered him - the image was even clearer than it was last night. As if the Silent Dread was closer by the day. At the same time came the thought, what have I done? and with the thought came a sharp headache. “Xexherre above, what’s wrong with me?” It came out more as a sob than a question.

“Look at me,” his teacher repeated in a quiet, firm tone. Ms. Vale took of one of his hands in each of hers. “I’m here. Deep breaths now.”

“Damn the breaths,” he said, headache spiking with her voice, but he complied. After six shuddering breaths, his heart had stopped beating out of control. After twelve, his hands shook less violently. After another couple dozen breaths, he thought he ought to stop when his teacher gave him a stern look. After an eternity, she let go of his hands.

“Thank you,” Xenron said shakily. “I’ll… try to hang in there.” His voice did not even convince himself.

“I want more from you, Xenron,” she said. When his stature shrank, Ms. Vale held a hand up. “I should say that better - I want more for you. Xenron, when’s the last time you did something just because you wanted to?”

“Yesterday, Ms. Vale. I try new approaches all the time, and I waste as much time on my phone as anyone,” Xenron answered hoarsely.

“I’m not talking about that. I mean something you really wanted, something you might dream about.”

“I don’t know,” he said, pondering. “I’m so worn out just thinking about what I have to do to make myself stronger.”

“You’ve got it backwards,” Ms. Vale said, shaking her head. “You can’t do anything difficult, no matter how someone pushes you, if there’s not something you want at the end of that road. Tell me one thing you want.”

“I, uhh, don’t know. Nothing interesting.”

“I know you’re thinking of something. Come on.”

“A friend group, I guess? Like you see in all the shows. They all meet in a coffee shop all the time, like no one has a job, and they’re always happy to see each other, even if one of them always has some ridiculous problem.”

“’Corny’, perhaps, but understandable. What else?”

Going red, Xenron shifted uncomfortably. Under the constant stare, he eventually caved.

“I want to meet a pretty girl like Annabel Lenoz and not trip over my words, and take her somewhere nice, and if she feels like I do, kiss her!” He looked down at his hands, blushing.

“That’s fine. Women like men with purpose. Get your life together, and one day you’ll find a good match. We can arrange something, given your status, but I suspect you’ll be more satisfied with the conventional road. Besides, the King’s emotions reverberate through his people, so the more sincere your passions, the better. What else?”

Xenron looked up, his eyes searching once again. He had not expected her to take his ridiculous request seriously, but now... “Th-the ocean!” Xenron stuttered out loudly, as if it was a wish upon a falling star, as if he only had that moment. “I want to see the ocean and swim until I can’t see the shore anymore… and then swim back, of course!” His hands waved as his excitement rose, as if they could already feel the “sea breeze” everyone wrote about in books.

“What else?” his teacher replied, a slight pause emphasizing each word, the urgency in her voice rising to match his.

“I want to surpass Johan! I’ll make him regret making a fool of me! But…” Xenron’s hands fell to the table, and he looked down at them. “If I were to stand up to him, what would-”

“Stop.” Ms. Vale said, stern enough to freeze his thought process. “You were thinking of death this very day. If you are contemplating your final hour, what should you care of normal repercussions? Besides,” she said with a slight grin, “that kid could stand to get knocked down a notch.”

Xenron smiled back for a moment before his grimace returned. “But-”

“I’m not telling you to do something that will get us both in trouble,” Ms. Vale clarified, “but don’t you dare make death an option where life is not.”

Xenron inhaled sharply, feeling the words move across him. Then a pang of Silent Dread sank into him.

“You’re the best teacher there is,” Xenron said, his voice shrinking with each word, “but what if you can’t save me?”

“I can’t do that, of course,” she retorted. “Only you can save yourself. I am here to do what I can. I can teach you. And right now, you have homework.” Ms. Vale shifted her phone’s hardlight interface so that the panels hovering between them were easy for Xenron to read, then started writing instructions. “I’m asking you to give life another chance. Give this world your best for one week. Just one. And see what happens. We can debrief on it afterwards, and figure out your plan moving forward.”

Xenron blinked as notifications and tabs flashed into his own interface at an almost alarming pace - sites within the castle archives, including access codes for restricted information. Alongside these sorts of resources were in many ways their opposites - strange anecdotal reports from the country on the effectiveness of sleeping next to this herb or waking up with that strange dance to augment magical training. “I’ll send you a shell of a training program, but you’ll need to turn it into something you’re excited about. To that end, write down ten things that you want and use your training to reach those goals. Sound like a plan?”

Xenron, feeling a swell of emotion, cautiously settled on a neutral expression. “I can do that.” Still, something wasn’t right. He had been afraid to speak honestly, but now it seemed imperative. It took a long moment to speak words that seemed chained to him.

“Ms. Vale, can I speak to someone about what’s been bothering me? I think I’m seeing things… I’m not supposed to.”

“That’s going to be a little more complicated than we’d both like. The same experts that could generally be trusted to counsel appropriately and be sufficiently discreet generally have allegiances within the Great Clans. It would be difficult to ensure they weren’t simply looking for a weakness.”

That answer made Xenron uneasy. Surely, the King had someone he could confide in… right? Was he truly meant to be above it all? Xenron could scarcely imagine such a lonely fate.

“Still…” Ms. Vale said, a rare grimace on her face, “you shouldn’t have to bear it alone. Would you speak to me? I will try to put aside my military shortness, just for today.”

Sudden hope flooded Xenron. He knew that Ms. Vale wanted the best for him, but feeling it was still a differently thing entirely.

“I would like that,” Xenron said tentatively.

Then, starting and stopping and starting again, he poured out that which was overfilling him. The visions. The pain. The Silent Dread. The impossible sense of wrongness that he lived within. Ms. Vale listened through it all, concern plain on her face. She sat with that same look for a long moment after he stopped speaking, making Xenron nervous without meaning to.

“There are many possibilities,” Ms. Vale said. “It’s possible that it’s just strain upon your mind. However, we should consider the possibility that someone may be trying to influence you. To get past the castle’s defenses, they would have to be incredibly powerful. Thank you for reporting this. I will confer with your father to determine the best precautions for us to take. The important thing is that you understand that are not weaker for these intrusive thoughts regardless of their source, and they need not define you.”

There was comfort, Xenron felt, in that directive, but it was offset by the terror of a possible mental attack. Complicating this was a third, surprising emotion. He felt somehow disappointed. If only he could explain the details better, he thought, she might have a firm diagnosis after all. A matter for another time. The core problem was the same, from any angle. Xenron was vulnerable, and he intended to remedy that.

***

That night, after seeing to his more mundane studies and calisthenics, as well as writing out his assigned “list” as the sun set, Xenron returned to his room. After setting the list down reverently at his desk, he found he had a text message from Leo.

“I’m sorry about earlier. The encounter rattled me and besides, I acted stubbornly because I was upset I couldn’t do more. I found a couple of things I think you’ll like - first, they’re making a Greatsword of Glory movie! The original comic’s author wrote the screenplay, and the trailer looks promising. On a less exciting note, I found an article about stone root that suggests eating it with hornbeast meat takes out a lot of the bite. Of course, hornbeast has quite a taste of its own… you can decide for yourself what fate you’d prefer. I hope you’re doing alright.”

Xenron smiled fondly at the words, and sent an appropriately grateful response. He was planning to take a break before getting to his plans, but what good was there in waiting?Suddenly, the task didn’t sound so bad. Xenron enabled his phone’s holo-projector and, looking at the numerous applications splayed out as shards of hard light, he began to formulate a plan of attack. Tapping his calendar application opened up the month. Opening internet windows in a similar way and dragging them to all sides of the calendar, he searched out all of the training room availability for the next few weeks. While he typed manually, he simultaneously issued verbal commands.

“Find me an article on mana enhancers complementary to stoneroot and sannhets. Also, what’s the ideal stone root portion based on my data? And I’ll need some new proven training strategies, preferably something I haven’t seen before, to shape Ms. Vale’s routines. Along with a sprinkling of the weird stuff. Folk rituals, rumors, experimental techniques, anything. Who knows what might work? Use the access code I provide and prioritize results from the restricted archives.”

The folk ritual part spun out into a morning routine that Xenron would take care of in his room, lest anyone see him and think he’d lost his mind. At least that part seemed harmless. The best result he found for training was indeed from the restricted archives. He silently thanked his teacher as he read up on the experimental but well reviewed ‘Survival Gauntlet’ on a level the general public was weeks, if not months, from seeing. It capitalized on an extremely useful quirk in Xexen physiology: any stress on the body is taken as a signal to get stronger. Getting the full benefit of the gauntlet required training at high intensity for three consecutive days at a time with no more than five hours of sleep a night and restricted calories, allowing minimal time for restoration. On the night of the third into the fourth, he was to sleep as long as his body would allow and then some, eating voraciously once he woke. During this time, his body would gain strength based on all that was lacking in his distress over the three days. Chemical pathways would be optimized. Muscles would build cross bridges and gain mass. Most importantly, mana flow would, in theory, be stimulated to aid in these efforts and others. In time, he would come to harness it.

Xenron recalled generals boasting about their gains from workouts like this - though the workout was not yet proven effective for adolescents like him, the existing results had to suffice. Unfortunately, even if it worked, early online discussions were filled with anecdotal horror stories. People had gotten too enthusiastic and taken the training too far, sometimes maiming themselves, even with the limited information released. There were even reported deaths. Still, Xenron had to count on his ability to thread that needle. After all, it was his only chance of meeting his father’s - and the world’s - expectations. More than that, Xenron felt sure that only by standing up to this daunting routine could he seize what he wanted. The page of true paper sitting in the corner of his vision seemed to be radiating strength for him to draw from.

Reasons to Live

1. Get to really know all the amazing people in the KEY program

2. Watch the Greatsword of Glory movie premier with Leo

3. Beat Johan in a fight

4. Win a beautiful girl’s heart

5. Hunt a Demi-Goliath

6. Swim in the ocean

7. Go on a spontaneous trip

8. See the Xexherre day fireworks

9. Go to a Nevermore concert

10. Figure out my past

Below the list was the beginning of a plan to reach each goal, though some pieces needed more substance. He laughed to himself a little remembering his notes for number 1. He didn’t even know the names of most the Tier II students, though they were all close to his age. He’d seen them enough to remember them, though, so he sketched out comically bad drawings of each with blank space for a name and a few details. How he looked forward to filling those spaces! He just needed to find a way to break the ice he’d long left alone.

Refocusing, Xenron issued another string of commands, opening the diet app and a few tabs on nutrition. He reserved training rooms for midday times when he was ordinarily on a break and planned his meals appropriately. He submitted detailed meal requests in the nutrition app so that the wonderful castle chefs would prepare exactly - and only- what he needed throughout the week.

Research informed each choice, and time melted away as he optimized his training day and rest day meals for Survival Gauntlet. The two types of meals couldn’t be more different, though he did work some hornbeast meat in as a stable option. This took longer than expected as he went back and forth, filling in the holes in the Survival Gauntlet’s broad ideas. The food choices, the exercises - each piece was augmented by Ms. Vale’s restricted archives. He knew she had a decorated military background, but seeing the extent of her resources raised Xenron’s estimation of her yet again. Besides this, while he wasn’t certain the new exercises would always be more effective than his old ones, there was power, he thought, in change itself. It gave Xenron something to hope in, something to believe in. When he was finally satisfied with the daunting schedule he had set for himself, Xenron called out a command before falling back onto his bed.

“Bookmark the new stuff, then close everything.”

As he lay, he let out a sigh and snapped his fingers, causing his dim room lights to fade out. His eagerness to start clashed with the Silent Dread and made it hard to sleep. Xenron battled for a while to put the two aside, but he wasn’t winning that fight. At first, this frustrated him. But then… he had decided on the Survival Gauntlet, hadn’t he? If he started now, there wasn’t any need to get a full night of sleep. Without a training room ready, he settled on something that should eventually settle his mind.

Sitting down at his desk before a notebook 80% full with ramblings, theories, and tests, he flipped through it with a newfound fondness. No matter how he tweaked existing spell formulas, he had not found one that worked for him. But that was only until now. His teacher believed in him, and Leo did also. He would succeed. Starting with fire spells, he made new versions to experiment with for each kind of elemental magic. Fire, wind, earth, water. Light and Darkness. Time and space. Lightning and, as an offhand hedge, sorcery. Those were the most generic and least impactful spells - but, that also might make them the easiest starting point. As he wrote, he remembered to simplify requirements for the spells wherever possible, following the steps Ms. Vale had taught him. Despite the outcome of the exchange, Leo’s Flash Orb had still inspired Xenron with his straightforward effectiveness, taking even Johan off guard for a moment. The work of improving already well-written formulas was involved and as much an art as a science, and night burned away until it was technically already morning.

During this time, he had a series of videos playing on a panel in the background, the ambient noise paradoxically making it easier to stay focused. He realized eventually that he was listening to an announcement from that day - by KEY Program Director Vaere. Cecil Vaere was a man with significant influence and power in both the military and the private sector, despite or perhaps because of his unusual manner. Curious, Xenron began to listen with interest - and what he heard would give him quite another thing to ponder.