Casual Heroing

While the huge man shakes my hand, I’m thinking about two things:

First, my arm might soon detach from my body if he keeps this motion up.

Second, what the actual—how is it possible? Why does this person have the same name as one of the most famous – if not the most famous – gens of Ancient Rome?

Sadly, I cannot zoom out right now.

“Gaius, you look like a big lad. Are you a Silver or a Gold adventurer?” I ask, interested in knowing more about this person.

“Still Silver. My family wanted to arrange things for me, but I’m taking the proper course. I lead a team that I assembled myself, and today we’ve finally got to inspect the Dungeon they found in the mine. It’s full of weird monsters, and we had to retreat. We will probably run a tactical analysis with other teams before diving back in. Plus, the Watch has been giving us some problems for the noise we make at night. But one of the miners discovered your bakery yesterday, saying it’s completely new. I also have a Human with me; she’s kind of screwed up in the head. But I’ll introduce you to her. You know, Humans usually like each other. Right?”

I must admit, this giant of an Elf is the chattiest brute I have ever met.

“Sure, it’s always a pleasure to meet a lady. I’m just afraid I will not be able to entertain anything more than a conversation with her. See,” I click my tongue automatically, “I have a beautiful girlfriend, Gaius. I don’t want to make her too jealous.”

“Oh, Luciani,” he laughs so deeply I’m afraid he might start an earthquake. “I have to tell Vilith you said so. She’s a—”

“The line!” someone shouts, covering whatever Gaius was explaining.

We step out of the line, and I invite the huge Elf and a couple of his teammates inside my bakery. I like friendly people. And, you know, why shouldn’t you be friendly to a guy who makes the mountain from Game of Thrones look like a toddler?

“So yeah, Vilith is crazy as a bat. One of those, you know. Most of her people never leave their continent. But she wanted to know more. She swam all the way to the closest island after hiking down the coast. Crazy, I tell you, absolutely crazy. She’s even stronger than me, I think.”

Huh?

What?

“A woman? Like, a Human woman is stronger than,” I wave my arms up and down, theatrically pointing at him.

“Yeah, she’s crazy,” his teammate chimes in from the side. “You don’t mess with those people. Trust me. We have been to jail more than once because no one believed she would challenge every single person who insulted her. She’s broken so many bones in the whole of Lucerna; we are always paying healer fees.”

Well, that’s one person I really don’t want to know.

Gaius seems to see through my concerns.

“Don’t worry. She’s crazy, but she doesn’t beat people up for no reason. Just don’t make funny moves around her. She doesn’t joke, and she doesn’t care if her teammates try to restrain her. Once she goes for it, everyone is a target.”

“Well, people, why don’t I give you some free samples from my bakery, and you keep the crazy woman from breaking my bones?” I smile at them, attempting levity.

Everyone, including huge Gaius, goes pale.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

I know.

She’s behind me, isn’t she?

“She’s behind you,” I hear Antoninus say as he chomps down on some weird fruit.

“Did you insult me?” I turn to a woman who’s almost as tall as me, with a muscular definition that would make Serena Williams cry in despair.

“Me? Oh, no, miss. We were jesting. They told me that you are an amazing fighter, and I was just offering them some free food in good humor. Would you fancy some pastry creations you never tried before?”

Even though the woman is shorter than me, I get the sensation she’s looking down on me. She scans the kitchen, freezing everyone she lays her eyes upon.

After a quick survey, she steps forward, inches from me.

I mean, she is not that hot. She’s normal. Quite plain. And she has the crazy in her eyes. Oh, you don’t know what the crazy is? Well, good luck with dating. Don’t worry, one day you will understand what I’m talking about.

“I don’t let Elves make fun of my people or me. Less so a non-warrior [Baker].”

I mean, I know she’s probably going to beat me up, but now I have to ask.

“Wait, are there warrior [Bakers]?”

She snorts and stretches her lips. It sort of looks like a smile. But it’s not a smile.

Licking her red lips, she grabs my shirt and brings me closer to her face.

“Yes.”

“Joey!”

Oh, for God’s sake.

St. Peter, what are you doing to me?

What is this, a Korean Drama?

I try to disentangle from the woman’s hands, but her grip is like steel.

“Lucinda, she just wants to beat me up! I swear! I didn’t flirt with her!”

My blonde girlfriend comes with Clodia and Amelia in tow. Woah. Yeah, no time to elaborate about that, though. I don’t know who will do the honors, but I have the distinct sensation I’m getting a beating tonight.

“You! Take that filthy hand off him!” Lucinda materializes her [Solar Whip] out of thin air.

“Lucinda, don’t escalate it! There are civilians here!” I shout immediately.

Yeah, I’m the civilian! For Pete’s sake!

Vilith, the mysterious and dangerous woman, turns her head to Lucinda with movements that resemble an owl.

“I’m not interested in a spineless [Baker]. I was just checking if he had the guts to admit his insult.”

“Young woman,” Stan walks slowly to Vilith and puts a palm on her shoulder. “You do belong to the proud people, but avoid causing trouble just because your team couldn’t dive through the Dungeon at the first attempt. I am the manager of this place, and I think you just overstayed your welcome.”

The air immediately chilled in the bakery.

The woman looked at Stan with murder in her eyes.