Casual Heroing

I wanted to shoot a joke saying that if she became my girlfriend, I would tell her the secret to multi-casting. But I have the distinct sensation that I would get punched silly at best.

“I think that this soup is amazing,” I say while theatrically ignoring Lucinda’s questions and blowing on the spoonful of hot soup.

“Joey, you flat-eared—” she starts insulting me, but I keep smiling.

Oh man, leverage.

I’m surprised by the quick turn of events. I’m still catching my footing too. Our relationship just shifted quite a bit, didn’t it? The stupid and silly human has learned a trick that most [Mages] will never figure out. And he has also employed his beautiful crush as his impromptu lawyer.

“Truly delicious,” I take another spoonful. I can’t even taste the soup. The sweetness of this role-reversal is too overwhelming.

I know that Lucinda wants to murder me, but now I got an in. The negotiation thing was just the start. Without even knowing it, I got her tangled in my net.

Ok, let’s backpedal for a second.

A part of me is very skeptical about this. It’s not like it hasn’t worked before, but this tactic wasn’t always successful in the past. I do care about Lucinda and I’m a bit scared that if I take this too far, I might upset her.

Also, I’m not planning on hurting her either.

Will I tell her the secret of multi-casting? Sure.

Should I, considering the possible consequences of this? I don’t care.

Will I tell her without making her suffer for it the tiniest bit? Oh, I don’t think so.

This is a dance of back and forth, subtlety, and smashing things with a sledgehammer.

“I’ll tell you,” I say while smiling sweetly. As soon as she starts relaxing and smiling back, I add with a wolfish grin, “maybe.” And there I put another spoonful of the hot soup in my mouth. This time I forgot to blow on it and it’s currently burning my tongue and my entire mouth, but I don’t care. I go on as if nothing happened, while silently screaming in pain on the inside.

“I can even pay you for it, Joey,” she tells me with a serious tone.

“First, I don’t care about money that much. Second, I doubt that you have enough money to pay for it. It is my understanding that such a thing is extremely hard to accomplish. Not even some [Grand Magi] have mastered the proper technique, have they?”

I have no idea whether what I’m saying is true, but it makes me sound smarter, so.

“Oh, by the way, I met Augustus, wonderful lad,” I change topic, bored with all this magic stuff.

“You what?” she narrows her eyes. “Did you tell him about the multi-casting?”

“What? No. We went for a big breakfast, basically my first lunch. We talked about Elves, Humans and stuff.”

She can definitely smell that something’s off.

“Joey, what did he say about me?”

“That you two are like brother and sister and that he wants to make sure I’m not a crook. We liked each other and we should go for lunch tomorrow. You are welcome to join, by the way.”

She slowly massages her temples with her eyes closed.

“Okay, Joey. Listen to me. First, don’t tell anyone about the multi-casting if you can. It’s not something people would kill you for, but it’s still better to keep it under the lid. Second, Augustus better minds his own damn business when it comes to me. If you still want me for the negotiation with the bakeries, no funny business, is that clear?”

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind having some fun?” I venture my proposal.

“I’m serious. I don’t want Augustus to bother you,” she says with a resolute gaze.

“He’s not bothering me! We had fun, for real! I think he’s a wholesome guy!”

Lucinda stares at me but I just shrug.

“It’s true. Lucinda, I don’t mean any funny business, I swear. I am just interested, you know.”

“Interested?” she moved her tongue over her lips.

“Yes, Lucinda, interested, in you” I wink.

She sighs and starts eating her soup without saying anything else.

However, there’s a tinkle in her eyes that doesn’t fool me. She’s thinking about it. She’s thinking about me.

I eat my soup in silence as well, occasionally staring at her beautiful face and her pointy ears, though.

Suddenly, I start thinking about Stan. I made sure that Antoninus got some food to him, and I will check on the guy later. I wonder how many homeless people are in this place.

“Lucinda, how many homeless guys like Stan are there around the city? Like, beggars and such.”

She raises an eyebrow, clearly surprised by the question.

“I have no idea. Hundreds, I would say. Most of them are not allowed on some streets, but a few people gather supplies for them and make sure they have something to eat. During winter, the council and the mayor arrange a shelter or two for beggars. Having dead bodies lying around early in the morning doesn’t make for happy citizens.”

Oh.

Come on.

She sees the grimace on my face and asks: “What?”

“It’s just… they are people. I mean, they smell, they are a bit stabby sometimes. But the joke about having dead bodies on the streets bothering citizens is a bit… distasteful.”

“If they want to stay on the streets, let them. And if you want to help them, go ahead, I’m not stopping you. I’m just not in the mood to pity people who chose such a miserable fate. Go lay bricks or something if you need money to eat and a place to stay.”

Oh man.

Oh, God.

Here we go.

In an instant, all my attraction for Lucinda goes down the drain.

Oh man, this is so unfair.

Please Lucinda, throw me a bone here.

“It’s not about pity. I mean, not in its current meaning. There were people where I come from that used to describe ‘pity’ as ‘piety’, a different brand. It’s about caring about others, making sure that no one suffers without a reason. Not everyone has to worry about those in need, but it would suffice not being mean about what they are going through. That’s all.”

For God’s sake. Why do I care so much? She’s so hot. Why am I repulsed now?

I don’t want to be a good person. I want to be a terrible person with a tremendously hot chick on my arm. Can’t I have that, pretty please?

Alas, the answer is no.

Lucinda doesn’t seem interested in replying to my statement and just eats her soup, probably thinking about my multi-casting ability.

I’m not sure she knows that now she will never get it.

It is what it is.