Casual Heroing

I’m anxious.

I’m trembling.

I have nausea.

And my hears are ringing.

You might think that I’m dying or experiencing a panic attack. No, none of that. I’m simply looking at a piece of paper with legal jargon on it.

My mom always made fun of it. On my part, I feel like it’s unfair. If you are deadly afraid of snakes, your parents certainly don’t throw you in a pit choke-full of them, do they? Then why do I have to subject myself to this torture?

I look at a smug Lucinda and her shining green eyes while Flaminia and Clodia are both frowning at something my future wife gave them to read.

“You went to other bakeries and got pre-contracts?” Flaminia stares at me now.

“Huh? Other bakeries?” I ask Lucinda.

“Happy Bakery wanted to make it into an obnoxious negotiation, drag you through the mud. Now, if they don’t accept our renewed terms, we have other people that are ready to offer many more benefits,” she says, “and if you can really share more than a couple of recipes with them, some would even make you partner!”

The evil grin on this woman is exactly what I love about her.

She’s so devious, she behaves so dastardly.

Lucinda’s ruthless.

Why do I like this type? Why couldn’t it be a homely-lovely girl?

Nope, I must fall in love with brutal, domineering women.

That’s my life, isn’t it?

“This is preposterous!” Clodia slams one hand on the table while still looking at the term sheet.

“It is only fair. Now you know what Joey could get from other places, you better raise your offer by a substantial margin. Otherwise, you could always just let him go to the Three Roses.”

I kid you not but right now I think I’m going to die.

Not die, sorry.

I think Clodia will murder me.

She is changing skin color to red, and I fully expect some sort of secretary to bring her some heart medicine right away. Her neck swells up and a big fat vein throbs on her forehead.

“The Three Roses made an offer to Joey?” she is a bubbling volcano, ready to erupt.

Flaminia knows Clodia very well: that’s why it worries me that she’s now slowly edging away from her.

“What’s the Three Roses?”

I have no idea what they are talking about and even though I wouldn’t mind a catfight here, I would like to know what’s happening.

“Three young sisters opened the bakery around the time Clodia opened hers. They get a lot of foot-traffic and make a killing on lunches, dinners and snacks unlike Happy Bakery, which is more focused on distribution and custom orders.”

Lucinda paints a detailed picture with a few words.

“I swear to God, Joey, if you go to work for those three,” Clodia is clearly losing it.

“Joey,” Flaminia cuts her friend off before death-threats can be casually thrown around, “there is some history between the Three Roses and us.”

I see what’s happening. This is not just business, is it?

I love it.

History, here, is a synonym for something romantic or sexual.

The pointed ‘us’ instead, means that it’s not about Flaminia. It’s her employer who has history with them.

Clodia clearly had some mingling with one of the Three Roses. Or maybe all three? Well, a man can dream. I know what I can think about tonight to distract myself from any eventual worries about my future.

“Lucinda, I would like to stay with Happy Bakery if possible. I’m willing to take a slightly worse offer. I’m sure we can work out a good deal for everyone, right?”

“I vote we bleed them dry,” Lucinda shamelessly points a finger at them, “if you really have all this value. The Three Roses offer is honestly insane. And, once compared to theirs, it’s like an entire pie traded for crumbles.”

Oh man, please, Lucinda. I want to keep living. Clodia is going to rip me a new one if you keep talking.

“I mean, I’m sure they are three lovely ladies, but I like Clodia and Flaminia, so—”

“I have scheduled an appointment with them for this afternoon. We will have to discuss some details about what you want at lunch, but it’s better to know the best offer at this point in time.”

Clodia is now looking at Flaminia, probably pondering whether she should strangle the woman. Or maybe she’s just wondering whether she should strangle her right now or later.

I must admit, though, Lucinda did an impressive job. We planned this as a ruse to get my feet wet with her, and instead she’s steamrolling this negotiation like the best blood-sucking lawyer.

I could probably live forever by this woman’s side. She would definitely take care of all the bureaucracy in my life without batting an eyelid.

She takes care of that; I bake her pies.

That’s a power couple right there, am I right?

Sure, we are different, me and her, but what is some monstrous ambition when you can bake your wife all the pies she wants?

“Joey, may we have a word in private?” Flaminia looks at me with an intense stare.

“I don’t think so, Flaminia. Joey is in my care, and you are not going to sway him with whatever you are thinking of.”

Lucinda intercepts the request and rebuffs it ruthlessly.

I shoot an apologetic look to Flaminia. We haven’t really had a chance to talk after she went back to the dayshift. And I miss our banter.

“What are you implying, Lucinda?” Flaminia gets a bit upset now.

“My client is particularly swayed by beautiful women, and I don’t think that leaving him in the wolves’ den is a good idea.”

Now, Flaminia looks so affronted by her insinuation she, too, would probably strangle me right here and now.

“Joey, we’ll give them some time to come up with a better offer. In the meantime, we should get going,” she claps her hand and I shoot to my feet.

God, why do I love this woman so much?

“See you, ladies,” I say. And as soon as Lucinda turns, I mouth: “Do not kill me, please.”

Clodia stares daggers at me and Flaminia mimics the gesture of slitting my throat.

Well, in love and in war…

How did the saying go?

Shoot, I don’t remember.

“Joey!” Lucinda raises her voice and I start scuttling after her right away.