Casual Heroing

“Ok, we have put in a request with the Watch for a legal representative on the basis that you don’t have knowledge of elven laws,” Lucillus says with a pained expression, “and as my cousin has requested, we got Lucinda to be the person designated since she knows the laws well and she could use the money.”

“Captain Drusillus was happy about your request,” Antoninus, the illiterate brute, says from the side. He doesn’t really know why his captain his happy, but he’s content with the guy not being in a bad mood.

“He’s happy because this is following a sensible procedure,” Lucillus says with a sigh. He knows what’s really going on and he doesn’t approve.

“Well, if I truly have to spend some time with Lucinda to take care of the paperwork, I guess I can do it. I’m just happy to have someone like her helping a poor idiot like me. And you two big boys protecting me,” I say and try to sling a hand above Antoninus’s shoulder.

This fella is so goddamn tall. What is he, a giraffe?

Whatever, I relent after two tries. The tall guard doesn’t seem bothered by my attempts, but instead he’s happy that the bakery has agreed to pay for a personal escort too.

Apparently, if the Watch is not too busy, they will loan out guards on request to rich patrons who need protection.

“What are we protecting you from?” as if clued by my thoughts, Antoninus asks the question.

“Himself,” Lucillus mumbles.

“Not everyone might be happy that a human is doing business with Elves in this moment of history,” I say wisely.

“But we have other humans, and no one attacks them,” Antoninus remarks.

Yeah, man, but they are not trying to get into the pants of an officer who clearly has other suitors capable of reducing them to a pile of ashes, are they?

Oh, God, I need to buy something for Flaminia. I need to give her a gift. She’s not just funny and smart and a hard worker. She’s also a conniving demon of the highest caliber! My heart is literally bursting with emotions when I think of her devious plan once again!

This is some next-level Gossip Girl shenanigans.

“Happy Bakery is a good employee, in any case,” Antoninus shrugs the problem away with an ease not even I am capable of.

“Happy Bakery?” I ask.

“The place where you work?” Lucillus looks at me weirdly.

“Oh, that’s the name. I didn’t bother reading the sign,” I nod.

“You didn’t know the name of the place?” Antoninus’s eyes pop out.

“I didn’t know,” I say with a smile.

“He didn’t know the name of the place!” the previously calm Antoninus shouts toward Lucillus, despaired.

“He didn’t,” Lucillus sighs.

“I truly didn’t!” I smile even wider.

“Oh my god, this is just…” Antoninus raises his arm in the air before letting them go down again after a moment.

Now, putting aside the fact that I didn’t know the name of the place, there’s a thing that’s not clear to me.

“Did Clodia choose the name?” I ask Lucillus.

“Yes,” he understands the subtext in my question and he, too, cringes.

“Wow,” I bend the corners of my mouth like Robert De Niro in a ‘yeah, I do understand, but it is extremely weird, isn’t it? I mean, what’s up with Clodia? Happy Bakery? She looks like she would beat customers if they didn’t line up straight while buying croissants’ kind of expression.

“Mh,” is Lucillus’s answer, while his eyebrows pick up a more ‘Yes, Happy Bakery, not Mauling Bakery or Imma-beat-you-to-a-pulp Bakery. God knows what goes on in that woman’s head, but better not to ask if you catch my drift’ vibe.

“So, now that I have my personal security detail, shouldn’t we pick up my legal representative?” I rub my hands. I wish I could be sitting with a cat purring on my lap and with an evil monocle resting on my eye, but you have to get by with what life gives you.

…

“I’m surprised they picked me,” Lucinda said with the face of a person who was not surprised.

“Such a wondrous coincidence, isn’t it?” I say with a shameless grin.

She bits her lower lip, probably to avoid swearing at me.

“Care to go for breakfast?” she asks with a resigned tone.

We are picking her up from her house and she has yet to eat, apparently.

“Sure, where to?” nothing can beat my cheery tone.

Now, while we make some small talk and we start walking to a joint close by, where they serve food from a stand on a few wobbly tables, my mind wanders.

Being in Lucinda’s presence makes me think about two things. And two only.

One:

I didn’t even read the deadline of the next damn book homework. Once I was in the clear, I completely forgot about consulting the tome. Now, I’m hoping I don’t get zapped.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

Shouldn’t I be thinking about Lucinda, my future wife, who’s in front of me, explaining something about a meaty breakfast?

Well, for all my heart is metaphorically electrified by her presence, I don’t want myself to be literally turned into a lightbulb by my stupid [Thunderbolt Curse]

Second:

I forgot.

Goddammit.

What was I thinking about?

Man, I hate when this happens.

What was it again?

Magic and…

Gee.

“Aren’t you eating something?” she asks me while I can’t remember the second important thing I was forgetting.

“Nah. Breakfast is like a one-night stand to me. Cold and quick, more of a chore than anything else.”

In fact, I could do with some black coffee if these damn apparently-carnivorous Elves weren’t so enamored with their tea.

You stupid Hobbit-writing-tea-leaves-eating Brit. I hate you. Man, I hate you and your whole franchise so much.

“That’s a weird simile,” Lucinda giggles.

Well, at least she laughs at my raucous jokes.

Behind me, a much louder raucous snort comes from a red-faced Antoninus, who’s – I notice when I turn – basically choking on his own saliva.

Now that I see him enjoying my joke so much, I’m not sure if I should feel flattered or insulted.