Carrying the Child of the Man Who Killed Me

Chapter 19

Jihyuk’s gaze shifted as he noticed Yeocheong’s noticeably pale complexion. Yeocheong tried to lift the corners of his mouth, hoping he wouldn’t look strange.

“Are you feeling all right?”

“Yes. It’s just a momentary dizziness.”

He knew this tea wasn’t the same one that had paralyzed his womb before. This tea was from Sowol, one of his trusted attendants, and it was something he had grown accustomed to drinking since his time in Seonguk.

However, the moment he began to sense the unease, the once-clear color of the tea started to seem off, and the discomfort quickly spread.

Even though he forced a smile and tried to act like nothing was wrong, his pale face and trembling hands betrayed him.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Wouldn’t it be better to call the palace physician?”

“I’m fine. I just feel embarrassed that I keep appearing like this. I’ve never thought of myself as fragile, but…”

Since arriving in Seonguk, Yeocheong’s health had deteriorated, but it wasn’t as if any problems had arisen the moment he entered the kingdom. Therefore, his current condition couldn’t simply be attributed to health issues.

‘How pathetic.’

Even if he had returned to the past, with nothing but this weak, helpless body, every moment felt like a struggle and a crisis. What could he possibly accomplish in this state?

Yeocheong bit his lip harshly, consumed by intense self-disgust.

“Just a moment.”

As Yeocheong was lost in thought, Jihyuk reached out towards his lips. Surprised, Yeocheong slightly parted his mouth.

“I don’t think that’s a good habit. Your lips will get damaged.”

Jihyuk’s cautious touch brushed lightly over Yeocheong’s lips. Even though his hand hadn’t fully extended, it was large enough to cover most of Yeocheong’s face, and the heat radiating from it was so intense, it felt almost like a burn.

He had once liked this hand. After their unofficial marriage nights, it would often stroke his hair or tenderly caress his cheek while he slept.

‘Stop thinking these pointless thoughts. You know it was all just a performance.’

Even though he was fully aware that the owner of this hand, who hid his true intentions, was the cause of his current unease, Yeocheong couldn’t help but feel a momentary sense of comfort the instant that familiar hand touched him. It made him feel pathetic once again.

“I understand that you’re still scared of life in Seonguk and that you’re uncertain about me. In a way, it’s all my fault, so it’s only natural that you would feel this way.”

For now, it seemed like Jihyuk was interpreting Yeocheong’s anxiety as the discomfort of a Crown Princess far from her homeland, but there was no guarantee this would always be the case. Yeocheong hid his trembling hands beneath his sleeves and responded.

“How could it be anything else? It’s simply my own inadequacy.”

“And even if you were at fault, now that we’re married, it’s also my responsibility. So, there’s no need to feel embarrassed or apologize.”

A whirlwind of emotions surged within Yeocheong. Despite the pain he had endured, the moment that hand touched him, he felt a fleeting sense of reassurance, and even knowing it was all just a meaningless act, he still found those words comforting. He hated himself for feeling that way.

He had thought that only hatred for himself and contempt for him were deeply ingrained within him, and that’s how it should be.

“…Your Highness, you truly are kind.”

Even though it was a fleeting feeling, Yeocheong realized that some part of his emotions for Jihyuk still lingered inside him.

‘That madness was more than enough for that moment.’

Yeocheong sneered at his own weakness. He lifted his trembling hand and gently took Jihyuk’s, slowly pulling it away from his lips as he spoke.

“With you treating me so kindly, how could I keep suffering for long? I’m sure I’ll adjust soon.”

The more Jihyuk showed him kindness, the more Yeocheong would understand just how insidious his acting could be. Even he, no matter how foolish, wouldn’t remain in this state forever.

Though his words were calm, the tremors in his hand had spread to his shoulders. Yeocheong smiled faintly and continued.

“I’m sure I will…”

Jihyuk quietly watched him. After a brief pause, staring down at his teacup, he stood up.

‘Is he about to leave?’

Just as he had refrained from touching Yeocheong the previous night, Jihyuk would likely leave now as well, respecting Yeocheong’s wish not to feel burdened. With this thought in mind, Yeocheong felt reassured and stood up to see him off.

“Just a moment.”

However, Yeocheong’s assumption was quickly proven wrong. Stepping closer, Jihyuk carefully wrapped his arms around Yeocheong’s small frame.

“W-what are you doing?”

“You seem to be so afraid of me.”

“Even so, this…”

It wasn’t a loving embrace, more like a gentle hold around his shoulders than a true embrace.

“I simply wanted to do this. I know I don’t mean much to you yet, but the warmth of a person’s body can be the most effective way to calm anxiety, don’t you think?”

It wasn’t an entirely inaccurate statement. In moments of anxiety and exhaustion, sometimes all a person truly needs is the comfort of being held by someone.

The light pat on his shoulder felt as though it was calming the thudding of his heart.

“Besides, we’re not strangers, we’re married. We should be the ones most accustomed to physical contact.”

“……”

“Isn’t that right?”

His tone was playful, almost as if he were teasing. While it was slightly different from last night, Yeocheong understood that this, too, was a form of consideration on his part.

“Your Highness is correct. If I keep avoiding it, nothing will change.”

“I will never force you to do anything you don’t want, but as my wife, avoiding even the smallest touch might provide fodder for gossip.”

Yeocheong knew better than anyone that this was a truth he was all too familiar with.

‘Stop overthinking. The feelings from the past don’t matter. I know better than anyone that it was all a lie.’

Unlike Jihyuk, who remained cruel until the very end, Yeocheong had truly loved him until the moment his eyes closed. That small, habitual feeling, deeply ingrained in him, continued to tug at his chest, unsettling him.

It was probably because of this that the embrace and warmth, which he should have despised, still offered him some comfort. Yeocheong gently rested his head against Jihyuk’s chest.

“…For your sake, and for my own selfish reasons, you’ll have to get used to this.”

“How could I not get used to it, when His Royal Highness treats me so kindly?”

It would have been easier if he had been as cold as when he had aimed a knife at him, but wherever they touched, it was warm and intense.

“I believe your words, but I am a petty man.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m thinking of visiting Seonguk every day from now on, so that you become so used to me that you eventually grow tired of it. We will continue to be close, just as we are now.”

“You must be very busy; how could you manage to visit every day…?”

“Yesterday, I tried to act somewhat properly, but I am still a man. I can’t spend every night like we did yesterday.”

At the mention of the marriage night, Yeocheong flinched. To conceive, they would need to meet on auspicious days, both during and outside of their designated intimate times.

Although it was clear that no child would come from these nights, not many people knew that, so it would remain an unavoidable public duty.

“On those nights, I can’t leave you to sleep alone and then spend the night apart, can I? That would make it look like I’m taking advantage of you. You’ll need to get used to it.”

“…Your Highness is right…”

“Shall we think of it as practice? Tomorrow, we’ll be a little closer than today, and the day after, even closer than tomorrow.”

Jihyuk gently tightened his arm around Yeocheong before immediately loosening it and taking a step back.

“Then perhaps you’ll be able to let go of your fear.”

Jihyuk didn’t need to reassure Yeocheong. As Yeocheong’s husband and the Crown Prince of Seonguk, no one would criticize him for roughly handling Yeocheong’s body, planting his seed without any foreplay or care, not even using a fragrance to soften the moment.

Yet, it seemed Jihyuk genuinely wanted to make a good impression on Yeocheong, offering this method as if he truly meant it, his eyes shining with sincerity, as though his claim of falling in love at first sight was completely genuine.

“Why are you going to such lengths for me?”

Yeocheong quietly looked into Jihyuk’s eyes before asking. Although he already knew the reason, he was curious about what Jihyuk would say in return.

“Even if you didn’t care this much, the marriage night would still happen, and over time, I’d naturally adjust to being here.”

No matter what Jihyuk answered, it would be a lie. But still, Yeocheong wanted to hear it. As he looked into those eyes, he couldn’t shake the strange feeling that, despite knowing the truth, he still wanted to believe the lie.