CandyGram

A Dark and Stormy Night.

It was a dark and stormy night, the rain pounding against the shutters, drowning out the television and making the lights flicker. The attractive black-haired older woman in a t-shirt and boxers was sitting comfortably on her bed watching highlights from today's Yankees game. Her cat was curled up on the bed, purring, next to her. A little dog raises her head from the bed and whined... and jumped down, then headed for the front door.

Knock, Knock, Knock

The woman thought, "Hmm, must be some moron that can't figure out how to work a doorbell."

She grumbles some, glares at her traitorous Yankees and throws on a wrap and heads off towards the front door. She looks through the peephole, while the dog is barking his fool head off and sees a man in a uniform with a tag that says Western Union.

She opens the door and barks, "Do you know what time it is?"

The man raises his head, reaches his hand out with a small red box in it and places it in the woman's hand, and says, "Special delivery, Candy...gram.." he then leans forward like a board and slams his face into the frame of the door. The man dribbles down the frame face first, with a knife in his back gleaming in the porch light. The back of his coat is stained black in the dim porchlight. His clothes are wet, and the blood is dripping down the knife and spotting the wet concrete below the porch awning.

She leans over to grab the little dog and pushes her out of the way, and out of the rain. The woman puts the box on the table by the door, then slams the door shut, then runs for the phone in the kitchen, and she dials 911.

It rings twice and then the 911 operator answers, “Emergency Services, how can I help you?”

The woman says, “There is a dead man with a knife in his back on my front porch?”

On the other side of the phone there is a pause, “Excuse me? Can I have your name?”

The woman said, “My name is Tess, Theresa Smith.”

The operator said, “And what is the problem Ms. Smith?”

Tess enunciates, “There ... is .. a dead.. guy .. on .. my .. porch.”

The operator said, “How do you know he is dead, Ms. Smith?”

Tess said, “Knife buried in his back. All the way in.”

The operator said, “Did you see the knife?”

Ignoring the silly question, Tess said, “Are you planning on sending an ambulance and the cops? You already have my address; this is a landline.”

The operator paused and said, “I just dispatched them, state troopers and the county sheriff, they are on their way to you right now, Ms. Smith, are you somewhere safe?”

Tess said, “I’m not going anywhere. There’s no way that guy put that knife in his own back. I’m probably as safe as I can be.”

The operator pauses and says very firmly, “Ms. Smith, DID YOU LOCK THE DOOR?”

Tess opens her mouth, closes it, then says, “Oh my god!”

She drops the phone, turns and sees the door slowly swinging open. She hits it with her shoulder as hard as she can and it slams shut. She throws the deadbolt, puts the little chain on, for all the good it will do, scoops up the little dog and heads back for the phone.

The operator said, “Hello, hello? Ms. Smith!!”

Tess said, “Got it. I think someone was trying to come in. I locked the door.”

Tess sat down with her back against the kitchen door frame on the other side of the tiny kitchen and looked at the front door. It was a pretty sturdy door with a pretty sturdy lock.

The operator said, “Did you see anyone outside?”

Tess said quickly, “No, I didn’t but the door was swinging open so I just pushed it shut and locked it. Then I ran back here.”

She reaches out and grabs the little dog, and says to the operator, “I have no idea what’s going on.”

Tess put her head on her knees, with the phone up to her ear.

The operator said, “Well, I don’t either, but we’ll stay here till the officers arrive. They’re going to have some questions.”

Tess said, “I realize that. How long?”

The operator said, “Any minute now. Hey, the info said the house is owned by you. What’s your nickname?”

Tess said, “People call me Tess.”

The operator said brightly, “Hi Tess, my name is Billy. It’s short for Wilhelmina. Imagine writing that on a paper every day. Do you know the dead guy on the porch?”

Tess said, “Never seen him before in my life.”

As soon as the emergency operator, Billy, said those words, as if triggered by them, sirens started wailing in the distance.

Tess said, “I hear sirens.”

Billy said, “You’re the only exciting thing going tonight. You’ve got the whole shift coming your way. I’m betting whoever is lurking around takes off about now.”

Billy paused and Tess heard a click, “I’ve turned off recording for a few seconds. You want to get a lawyer.”

Tess said, “Why... I haven’t done anything, and I don’t know anything.”

Billy said, “That’s why you need one. They aren’t going to accept that. 9999 out of 10000 homicide cases are solved right there at the scene and going by the numbers they’re going to at least arrest you for it. You can answer questions, just keep the answers specific.”

Tess said, “I understand. Thank you.”

Billy said, “Good,” and there’s another click.

Tess said, “They’re almost here, I heard them turn onto the street.”

Billy said, “I’ll wait with you, when the officer shows up at the door, put him on the line.”

Tess said, “Okay.”

Billy said, “Are you married, Tess?”

Tess said, “Nope, just me.”

Just then, a bunch of activity happened on the porch.

Tess said, “Sounds like they’re here.”

There was a click and Billy said, “The GPS for the Sheriff shows at your address. They’re probably going to ask you to come to another door so they can rope off your porch as a crime scene. It’s going to be a couple of weeks. Just don’t let them expand the scene into your house.”

Tess said, “How do I stop them?”

A click and Billy said, “Lawyer.”

Another click.

Billy said, “You might just ask them not to do that?”

Another knock on the door. Tess called out, “Yes?”

The mysterious male voice said, “Ms. Smith?”

Tess said, “Yes?”

The voice said, “Can you come around to that back door? We don’t want to mess with the scene. I’d like to talk to you for a few minutes.”

Tess said, “No problem, the back door is right here in the kitchen. Come on around.”

In addition to the moving, rumbling and activity sounds outside the house, the footsteps walking around the side of the house to the kitchen door. Three quick raps on the door and Tess called out, “Coming.”

She walked over to the door, opened it a bit and said a bit nervously, “Hey, umm... can I see your ID?”

The tall graying older man in the rumpled brown suit with very gray hair held up the badge folder he was already holding up, with the very fat uniformed state policeman with the buttons almost bursting, also holding up an id folder, “I am Deputy Detective Foxx, ma’am. Can we come in?”

“Certainly, Detective, the 911 Operator wants to speak to you,” said Tess as she held out the phone, "Come in out of the rain."

Foxx stepped in the door along with the state trooper and took the phone, “Foxx,” then a pause, “Yes, it’s clear. We’ve found no evidence that anyone’s hanging around. Thanks for the assist. Good job, Billy,” and he handed the phone back to Tess.

She held the phone up her ear, “Miss Smith?”

Tess said, “Here.”

“Detective Foxx is a good guy. I’m going to file this transcript and make a copy for the investigation. If you need a copy, please contact Emergency Services admin. Are you good for now?”

Tess said, “Yes and thank you.”

Billy said, “Bye now,” and hung up.

Foxx looked around and said, “Can we sit down, Miss Smith?”

Tess said, “Certainly, would you like a cup of coffee? I think it would help me to keep busy.”

“Sure, that would be great,” said Foxx.

Tess got busy and put the pot up, put some grounds in the pot and filled it. It was a drip coffeemaker so it was going to take a few minutes. She remembered she had some coffee cake from the last Church thingie so she pulled it out and put it on the table.

Foxx said, “Can you tell me what happened?”

Tess stopped and collected her thoughts, then said in her slight New York accent, “I was watching the Yankees recap when I heard a knock on the door. I put a robe on, came out to the door, looked through the peep hole saw the guy, he had a uniform jacket on, it said, 'Western Union. Then I opened the door. When I opened the door he fell face first against the doorframe and down onto the porch. I closed the door and ran to the phone to call 911.”

Fox asked, "How are the Yankees doing?"

Tess said, "They lost. 5-4. I can't believe they didn't change pitchers."

Foxx said, “Have you ever seen him before?”

Tess said, “I don’t know him. He’s not someone I remember.”

Foxx said, “He didn’t look familiar,” and she stood up and began pouring coffee into cups.

Foxx asked, "Did he say anything? Ask you anything?"

Tess said, "He said, 'Candygram'"

Foxx asked, "Western Union doesn't send Candygrams."

Tess said, "Is that so? That's what it sounded like."

Foxx said, "How did he fall against the doorframe?"

The state trooper said, “Ma’am, I’m Trooper Billings. We didn’t find any indication of any other person on your property at all. Are you sure someone else was here?”

Tess handed Foxx and Billings their coffee mugs, “Creamer?”

Foxx said, “No, thank you.”

Billings said, “That would be great, ma’am.”

Tess looked at Billings and said calmly, “I’m not sure of anything, Trooper Billings, but I’m also not sure what you're asserting. It was and is raining, thunder, lightning, downpour. What evidence are you expecting to collect? Are your troopers out there with magnifying glasses scanning for pocket lint and bloodstains in four inches of water? The indications meaning no car? He or she didn't park a car in my front yard? No footprints in the puddles?”

Billings face turned red and he started to say something when Foxx coughed into his hand, face blank and then Foxx smiled, "That’s an excellent point, Ms. Smith, but we have to ask these things. What he’s really asking is: Did you see anyone else, or even an indication that someone else was there?”

Tess said, “The knife.”

Foxx said, “Excuse me?”

Tess said evenly, “There was a 10-inch butcher knife stuck most of the way into the man’s back. He didn’t do that himself, unless he built some kind of contraption to fall onto it. And with a wound like that there’s no way he walked more than a couple of feet. I expect even Trooper Billings would have seen a knife sticking contraption, even in the rain tonight.”

Billings said, “You sound like an expert, Ms. Smith. You’ve killed people before? How do you know it was a butcher's knife?”

Tess looked at Billings and said, “No, I’ve never killed a person. I sound like an expert what, Trooper Billings?”

Billings said, “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Tess repeated, “An expert what, Trooper Billings?”

Foxx cleared his throat and said, “So you’re saying in your opinion there’s no way the man could have stuck that knife in his own back,” with a smile.

Tess said, “Unless he is made of rubber or is abnormally flexible, neither of which seemed to be the case in the 15 or so seconds I saw him. A circus contortionist might have managed it, I don’t know for sure.”

Billings said, “You seem abnormally calm, Ms. Smith.”

Tess said evenly, “Don’t be ridiculous, Trooper. I’m not calm at all. The only reason I am not hiding in the closet screaming is due to the dubious comfort of your and Detective Foxx’s presence. The second you leave I’m getting into my truck and going to a motel.”

Foxx said, “Don’t mind him, Ms. Smith, he’s just overtrained. What do you do for a living?”

Tess said, “I’m a case worker for the church charity.”

Billings said, “So you interview people, hand out money and vouchers, get people training, food bank stuff?”

Tess said, “Something like that.”

Billings said, “All the accounts up to date at your work, Ms. Smith?”

Tess said, “That’s not something I would know.”

Foxx said, “Can you think of any reason that man might be dead on your porch?”

Tess said, “Of course I can. So can you. So can anybody. I can’t think of anything that might help you solve this problem, however.”

Foxx said, “Do you want to share some of those reasons with us?”

Tess said, “No, not really. I just read detective novels, that’s all. It does occur to me that this is the exact opposite of the locked room style puzzle.”

Billings said, “What do you mean by that?”

Foxx said, “She means that a locked room is a problem that is only a problem till you discover the key to the puzzle. It’s a word problem, not a real-life problem. They leave stuff out of the description to make it more difficult. I really hate locked room puzzles.”

Tess said, “That, and in a locked room puzzle the how can point you to the who. In this situation, anyone could have done it, anyone at all, for any reason at all, and the only people you can rule out were people who could not physically be at the scene. The how you already know. You’re hoping the why will point you in the direction of a who.”

Billings said, “That’s a very concise summary for someone is supposed to be in shock.”

Tess said, “Who is in shock? I’m just fine for now. It’s when you gentleman leave, I’ll have problems.”

Billings said, “Why don’t you tell us who the guy is, Ms. Smith?”

Tess said, “Because I don’t know who he is. By guy I... am assuming you mean the body.”

Foxx said, “You’re expecting us to believe that a guy winds up dead on your doorstep and you don’t even know the dude?”

Tess said, “No, I don’t expect that at all. I have no control over what you believe. I expect you’ll go through all sorts of mental gyrations and exercises in order to try to charge me with this murder. You might even get a conviction considering the state of the justice system. But the fact is that I don't recognize him at all.”

Foxx said, “How do you know it was murder?”

Tess said, “I don’t know, obviously, but I find it extremely unlikely that a person would stick 8 inches of a 10-inch knife in someone’s back by accident.”

Foxx said, “How did you know it was a 10-inch butcher knife?”

Tess pointed at the counter and said, “There’s a nearly identical one right there in the knife rack. Wal-Mart special, 12 dollars. Looks just like it.”

Billings said, “Did you like him?”

Tess said, “Him who?”

Billings said, “The guy on the porch.”

Tess looked up and said, “I think this has gone far enough. Do you mind if I change? I’d prefer not to leave the house in my pajamas and a robe.”

Foxx said, “What do you mean?”

Tess said, “I’m not going to answer the same question more than twice. If you are going to bring me ‘downtown’ for questioning, I want to change.”

Billings said, “You’ll answer whatever questions we ask you, Tess.”

Tess said, “No, I don’t think so, Trooper. Enjoy your coffee. Please put the cup in the sink.”

Tess stood up and headed to the bedroom to change. Billings said, “I’m not done here.”

Foxx said, “Yeah, you are. Let her get changed. We’ll take her down to county and get her statement there. You’ve pissed her off and she’s not going to talk to you anymore. I don’t want to leave her here anyway. She's not hiding anything under that robe.”

Billings said, “You think she’s telling the truth? Seriously? Nobody has a dead body they don't know on their property. That's TV stuff, never happens. ”

Foxx said, “I don’t know, and neither do you. But I do know one thing.”

Billings said, “What?”

Foxx leaned forward and said softly, “She can hear you, you freakin' moron. Now you shut your mouth. And yeah, if she IS telling the truth, whoever offed that guy might be back for whatever he wanted. If she isn’t, no harm done, right?”

Tess went into the bedroom and listened to the conversation in the kitchen. Then she put on a pair of jeans and t-shirt and a sweatshirt. Tess washed her face and brushed her teeth, threw the clothes on, grabbed a hair tie, and looked at the time. 1 am. She sighed and picked up her phone and texted a paragraph message to her friend Audrey to make sure the dog and the cat got walked and fed in the morning, and to contact a lawyer in the morning. After the murmuring stopped, the kitchen door opened and shut.

She walked out of the bedroom fully clothed and sat down at the table with Detective Foxx. Billings was conspicuous in his absence. Foxx had picked up the cups and rinsed them out and put them in the drainboard next to the sink. Astonishingly, he had also put the coffee cake back in the old fridge.

Foxx said, “I’m sure you heard us. We’re going to take you to county and take your statement, then I expect we’ll help you find a place to stay for a couple of days.”

Tess said, “Am I under arrest?”

Foxx said, “Would it make you happy to be under arrest?”

Tess said, “Not really.”

Foxx said, “Then we’ll go with that, then. I’ll take you on down to our office. Bring a book. Maybe a pillow.”