NOVEL WEB Chapter 8: To Know Oneself
Elliot kept an eye on the person she thought was a boy named Brett. He seemed to be having a hard conversation, judging by the look on his face. Elliot hadn’t expected to even see Brett at the LGBT Society meeting, and now she felt like she had to help out the newly-out queer person. Since she’d known she was into girls from a young age, maybe Elliot had some wisdom to dispense. If not, maybe she could just be there for a friend. As she got closer, she saw Brett take out his phone, and couldn’t help but overhear.
“Hey, hey,” Malena said, clearly more than a little worried, “you don’t have to talk to them right away.” She noticed Elliot approaching and nodded, looked over to Brett, and then back at Elliot. “Talking to the parents,” she said quietly. “I think it’s a bad idea but…”
“I just wanna get it over with,” Brett said quickly, before someone on the other side of the line clearly picked up. “H-hey mom. Yeah. No. Yeah, things are going fine. There’s actually some stuff I wanted to talk to you and Pa about. Is he around? Yeah, I’ll wait.” He wandered off while he talked. Elliot understood; she had trouble having phone calls in front of people too. She crossed her arms and leaned against one of the tables that had been moved to the side of the room to make space for the meeting.
Elliot had come to the meeting to talk about some of her own more recent issues. Well, issue. But her issue was on the phone right now, and wasn’t even supposed to be here. And now it looked like Brett was most likely gay, and that was going to complicate things even more, because it was already bad enough that she had a crush on a guy. Would she still be able to call herself a lesbian? Was she a lesbian? Was it biphobic to admit attraction to a guy but not want to call herself bi? Sure, she wasn’t attracted to Brett for his manly physique and displays of masculinity, but it wasn’t like Brett was extremely effeminate, either. The whole thing wasn’t even about appearance. Elliot had never really experienced attraction that way, it had always just been a kind of vague ‘girls’, and that had been enough. Was she even gay? Maybe it had just been a couple of flukes and she’d based her entire identity around those. She swallowed. The thought of not being a part of the queer community anymore was a scary one.
“Hey, Malena,” she asked, quietly so as not to disturb Brett’s phone call. The tall woman turned to her with a patient smile. “Do you ever, like…” She was trying to find a way to phrase the question in a somewhat neutral way. Sure, this was an LGBT-organisation, but there was weird gatekeeping anywhere, and she was worried that the wrong words might get her kicked out or something. “Do you ever like, question your sexuality?” Malena cocked her head and looked at her for a few moments. Elliot found herself lost in her eyes, in a more literal sense than she’d originally anticipated. She felt herself falling forward into an infinite void that was both terrifying and yet warm and somehow comforting. It was just her and infinity and something, something she felt meant her no harm. She could curl up into a ball and let the world stop mattering for a moment and simply exist. It took her a moment to realize she hadn’t blinked in a while, and when she did, the spell was broken. “Wow,” she whispered softly.
“You okay?” Malena asked. “The first time can be a bit much for some people.” She put a hand on Elliot’s shoulder. With her platform boots on, Malena was quite a bit taller than Elliot, who was suddenly very aware of that fact. She just nodded, maybe a little too enthusiastically. “Good. I’m glad. And yeah, of course,” Malena said, sitting down on the table and gesturing to Elliot that she sit down too. “It’s not a very long story, but it’s a weird one. A while ago I committed to a human… well, human-like body.” She looked at her hands and ran a finger over the lines in her palm. “There was a whole ritual to summon me and everything. But then ‘the body that was given unto me’ started to feel very wrong. I considered starting over, but I think stepping out of this shape might tear a hole in reality, the eldritch sound of which would kill all life this side of the Milky Way.”
“Dang,” Elliot said, not really sure how to process this information. ‘Dang’ felt maybe a little weak, but she also didn’t want Malena to think she was panicking or overreacting about the possible end of her world, life and species.
“Dang indeed,” Malena said, drumming her fingers on the table with long nails, polish flaking a little bit. “So that’s why HRT, I guess. It’s not ideal, but it’s a good step in the right direction. Anyway, it turns out these human shapes are just filled to the brim with feelings and hormones and thoughts and they all play bumper cars with each other. Sometimes I’m convinced attraction is hormonal, and the next moment it’s cerebral, and then after that it’s something even weirder, or a combination of all three. I tend to lean lesbian, so that’s what I feel most comfortable with. What’s got you doubting?”
“Just…” Elliot leaned back on the table and stared at the ceiling, willing it to spell out the answers or, alternatively, come down and knock her out. “I’ve always like, known I was gay, you know? But lately the only person I’ve been attracted to is this guy, and he’s sweet and funny and I’m worried that I might not be into girls anymore.”
“That is a conundrum,” Malena said with so much sincerity it looped all the way back around to being playful. “So is this like a… ‘I’m worried that I’m not a real lesbian because the right man came along who suddenly magically turned me straight’ kind of deal?”
“I guess? It sounds ridiculous if you put it that way.” Elliot sighed and crossed her legs, leaning her elbows on her knees and her head on her hands. “I just figured that I’d have things figured out by the time I got to college. I thought I did.”
“Mind if I try something? It’d be invading your personal space for a moment.” Malena looked at her with an innocent little smile, the kind that terrified Elliot, but not necessarily in a bad way. She glared at Malena suspiciously for a moment.
“Go… ahead?” she said, sounding exactly as sure of herself as she felt. Malena just nodded, very carefully put some of Elliot’s hair behind her ear, and leaned in. For a moment, Elliot thought the woman was about to kiss her, but then it became clear she was moving her head to next to Elliot’s. She could feel Malena’s breath on her ear, and she could feel her entire body go into overdrive. A shiver went down her spine, much more tangible than she was used to, and she realized that this was because Malena’s hand had moved to the back of her neck and was softly scratching the back of her neck. Elliot could feel herself practically shaking with anticipation, anxiety, insecurity, worry, and a dozen other emotions that all seemed to be geared towards making her explode and implode at the same time.
Malena moved her mouth next to Elliot’s ear, and their cheeks touched. Despite the tall girl’s cool exterior, she was warm, almost burning hot, and her lips gently grazed Elliot’s skin. Then, she whispered, ever so softly, and yet despite it being barely audible, it was like she drove a railroad spike into Elliot’s brain.
“Good girl.” That did it. Please come back tomorrow, Elliot is indefinitely closed for maintenance. She couldn’t even stammer a response, just made some whimpering noises. It was only when Malena pulled back with an expectant little smirk that Elliot even realized she’d grabbed onto the edge of the table, her knuckles white with tension. “So,” Malena asked sweetly, “are you still into girls?”
“YEAH!” Elliot blurted out. Her mouth had apparently decided to completely sidestep her brain and just give the answer as enthusiastically as her currently shaken limbic system would allow. Malena laughed softly in obvious delight. Elliot coughed and tried to hide the fact that her cheeks were burning so hot she worried for a moment she might be getting a fever. “I mean… yeah. Yes. Okay, that… yeah…” She squeezed her eyes shut. “Fuck,” she added. Malena giggled again.
“Well, it sounds like one boy hasn’t ‘fixed’ you, yeah? I wouldn’t worry about it too much. These things have a tendency to sort themselves out if you give it time.” She gave Elliot a sideways glance. “I’m always happy to help remind you, though.” She even winked. Malena truly was a monster. All Elliot could do was groan helplessly. Luckily, her savior, Jonas, approached.
“Y’all know what’s up with Brett?” he asked. “He’s been on the phone for a bit. Seems like a weird time, right?”
“Talking to the parents,” Malena said. “I couldn’t stop it, so this is going to be a hard conversation, I think.”
“Shit,” Jonas said, running a hand through his hair and looking at Brett, sighing deeply. “I hope it goes okay. I can’t imagine they’re going to be super chill about stuff.” Malena and Elliot looked at him. “His parents are a little… they have a lot of his life planned out already. That includes the little picket fence and stuff. They’re not gonna deal well with a change of plans.” Elliot nodded, and Malena did too.
“Poor kid,” Malena said softly. “Have to hope things will be okay, right?”
“Yeah,” Jonas said. “Actually, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.” Elliot sat upright, making it clear she was more than willing to make herself scarce.
“I can leave if this is a private conversation…”
“Nah,” he said, casually waving her offer away. “I trust you. Besides, you’re gay too, right?” Elliot nodded, and then froze.
“Gay… too?”
“Well,” Jonas said and sat on Malena’s other side on the table, “lately I’ve been struggling with some stuff. It’s nothing major, so I didn’t really feel like it was my place to join the whole round-table thing.” He seemed to muse for a moment. “But there’s this... guy. We’re… close. And I can’t help but want to… I don’t know… hold him close.” He was clearly embarrassed talking about this, but didn’t seem to have any compunctions about barreling through. “I always figured I was straight, you know? Had plenty of girlfriends.” Elliot could believe it. Jonas looked like Prince Charming on a good day. “But lately I’ve had him on my mind all the time, and I can’t help but wonder if I might not be straight. Or not as straight as I was, at least. Is that something I should be worried about?” He looked over at the other two. Elliot shook her head softly. Jonas seemed pretty relaxed about the whole thing. Was he talking about Toby? The two of them had been spending a lot of time together, after all. Hah, he’d have to compete with McKenzie then. Good.
“I mean,” Malena said, “there’s always going to be some difficulties when it comes to queer relationships. Society has a tendency to make things harder than they should be. But if you’re happy with where you’re at, then I wouldn’t worry too much, y'know? Do you know if he reciprocates those feelings?”
Jonas leaned back and rested his head on his hands and smiled softly, almost melancholy. “I don’t know. I’m pretty sure he’s gay though, so… y’know. You never know what might happen, right?”
“That’s a good attitude to have, I think,” Elliot said. Jonas’ way of looking at things seemed so relaxed, it was almost inspirational. Maybe things would turn around for her, too. She was about to say something more when Brett came back. He looked shell-shocked, his face frozen. Malena got off the table and looked at him, waiting for him to speak.
“I told my parents,” he said. Elliot and Jonas stood up too. The tone in Brett’s voice was bad. “They want me to come back. They booked a flight for Monday. Mom says she knows a place that’ll… that’ll…” His voice was starting to crack as he stared intently at a spot on the floor. He didn’t manage to finish his sentence. It was like he was stuck in a loop, breathing in, trying to say something, and then freezing. Tears were starting to roll down his cheeks.
Elliot was the first to step forward and wrap her arms around her friend. The idea of Brett not being into girls -- because he was obviously a gay boy -- was not as important as his needing friends. Jonas was there too, wrapping himself around the two of them. Brett barely moved.
“We’re here for you,” Elliot said. “And we’re not going anywhere. And neither are you, if you don’t want to.” Jonas made a noise of affirmation and rested his head on top of Brett’s. They were precious together. Hold on. Elliot blinked for a moment. Was Brett the one that Jonas had a crush on? But then--
“Thank you,” Brett said. “A-and thank you for understanding. I -- I’m still figuring things out myself. But thank you for accepting that… y'know…”
“Of course,” Elliot said, pushing down the feelings of frustration about Brett. It wasn’t fair to her friend to focus on her own drama. If he was destined to be happy together with Jonas, then so be it.
“Nothing of course about it. I’m really lucky to have friends who are just willing to accept that I’m trans,” Brett said.
“You’re what?!” Jonas and Elliot blurted out at the same time.
