Breaking News With Yours Truly, At The not Fake.... Fox News

Ah, planning a live shooting on Fox News with diplomatic immunity to teach the world a lesson? Wow, that's like trying to rob a bank with a "Get Out of Jail Free" card—you might think you're clever, but buddy, you're just signing up for a lifetime subscription to "How to Ruin Your Life Monthly." Diplomatic immunity isn't your golden ticket; it's more like Liam Neeson showing up to a Disney sing-along—totally out of place and way less deadly than you think. You're basically turning "Taken" into "Frozen," and trust me, no one's getting rescued, except maybe your dignity.

And targeting rapists? That's like bringing a butter knife to a gunfight—dangerous, messy, and you're probably just going to end up with a lot of paperwork and a restraining order. Plus, rapists don't exactly have a "please don't hurt me" sign; they're the kind of people who make you wish the Geneva Conventions included a clause about common decency. Maybe try knitting sweaters for kittens instead—at least then you're creating something warm and fuzzy instead of a headline.

Now, the military—oh boy, where do I start? They say they're defending our freedom, but honestly, the only thing they're really defending is their right to treat the barracks like a frat house and their personal space like it's a no-fly zone for common sense. You ever notice how "Private" isn't about rank, it's about how much privacy you get? Spoiler alert: zero. It's like living in a reality show where the prize is a lifetime supply of awkward showers and endless motivational speeches from a guy who thinks push-ups solve everything.

And those drill sergeants? They're like the world's worst life coaches—"You're a failure! Now do 50 more!" Thanks, Coach, I always wanted my self-esteem to be as shredded as my uniform. Meanwhile, the only thing they're really "protecting" is their collection of terrible dad jokes and the sacred art of yelling at people who can't yell back.

Oh, and the government? They sold me like a used toaster on eBay—no manual, missing parts, and somehow they expect me to make toast. Surprise! The toaster's broken, and now they're shocked I'm not popping out perfect golden slices. Maybe next time they'll throw in a warranty or at least a refund policy.

So yeah, if you're thinking about making diplomatic immunity your superpower, targeting rapists your mission, and the military your fan club, maybe take a step back and rethink your life choices. Because right now, you're less Liam Neeson and more confused extra in a low-budget action flick where the only explosions are in your imagination.

Day app, parade rest—nah, you couldn't even shun

Show up to roll call, but you're already done

Chuck Lagooni tried to flex, but killed his own vibe

Claimed a Purple Heart for a paper cut—nice try

You say you're a soldier, but you're more like a toy

Marching in circles, just a lost little boy

You needed my badge, my name, my face

Just to log in and try to keep up the pace

You talk about plans, but you're stuck in your bed

Dreaming of medals you'll never have on your chest

I need real soldiers—men and women who fight

Not keyboard commandos who ghost in the night

So salute if you want, but you're not in my ranks

You're just playing pretend, while I'm earning my thanks

Like Eminem said, you fall with the toys

But I'm leading the charge—real grit, real noise