Breaking News With Yours Truly, At The not Fake.... Fox News

Not Fake Fox News: Episode

Where the Only Thing Funnier Than the News is the Truth

Intro Jingle:

*"We spin every side, but never tell a lie,

Like raindrops on your windshield when you're stuck in traffic, why?

Twist it, flip it, serve it up with flair,

At Not Fake Fox, we keep it honest—beware!

Serving truth and justice with a splash of hope,

Like a weather report that says, "Yeah, you'll cope."

No fake news storms, no hurricane of lies,

Just lightning-fast laughs and thunderous good vibes.

So buckle up, buttercup, it's a wild, wet ride,

Where every side gets spun, but the facts won't hide."*

Tonight's Headlines:

Tiffany Haddish: Still funnier than your uncle at Thanksgiving, and less likely to get arrested for public nudity—barely.

Jodi Miller vs. Jodi Arias: Good Job vs. Good Jop—one gets applause, the other gets a mugshot.

Joe Santagato: Still confused about the difference between "limb" and "limp"—but hey, so is half of Congress.

Ellen DeGeneres: Dancing her way out of controversy, but can she tap-dance around the truth?

Main Story: Jodi Miller Crushes AGT, Jodi Arias Crushes…Well, You Know

Jodi Miller took the AGT stage and compared men to cats: moody, aloof, emotionally unavailable. Women? Dogs—loyal, loving, and always in your business.

My take: If my dog acted like my last boyfriend, I'd have him neutered and enrolled in therapy.

But let's be real: men are the real drama queens. They go from "I wanna bag her" to "put her in one" faster than my dog can chase his own tail.

Meanwhile, Jodi Arias is out here proving that drama gets you followers—just ask her fan club. Because nothing says "influencer" like a prison jumpsuit and a Netflix special.

Flip the Script: Who's the Real Fugitive?

I told my ex: "No Area 51, my buns are off-limits."

He called me a "cunt." I called him an Uber.

Should we escalate to an AK or keep it light? Nah, not without a blue wall and a public lynching.

And you wonder why Jodi Arias has a fan club—drama gets you followers, not just felonies.

Joe Santagato: Limp, Limb, or Just Out on a Limb?

Joe, if you insist on being stupid, let's clarify:

Limp: How your jokes land.

Limb: What you're out on.

Either way, swing me, bitch!

#joesantagato, did you rate DJ Sammy yet? Or are you still trying to find your own quick-release vagina? Newsflash: nobody's gonna tell your face!

Good Job vs. Good Jop: Dyslexia's Favorite Game Show

Jodi Miller gets no "X," while Jodi Arias gets a permanent mark—for doing what some only wish they had the guts (or lack of impulse control) to do.

When a blind douche finds his way to Arias, maybe he shouldn't be shocked by the outcome.

"Good job" or "good jop"? Both mean you left a mark—whether it's applause, a mugshot, or a punchline.

Locked Up? Or Just Locked in Your Own Stupidity?

You whine about being targets, but you're so desperate to keep your ass comfy you'd take the fall for CIA crimes just to avoid getting up.

MKUltra didn't break you—you signed up to be a clueless host for a bigger dick who's too scared to swim against the current.

Not everyone drowns in undertows, but you? You're determined to sink with every dumb decision.

Cartel Cosplay: Why?

Taking 360 years for a murder you didn't do isn't justice or "turning the tables," you ducks—it's just you being a pawn.

Cartels target nobody and everybody—just like you: all bluster, zero backbone.

Consent: It's Not That Complicated

By force isn't consent, and no "two-for-one" confusion makes it right.

Con$ent doesn't count when you're hustling slow-witted dicks and trying to buy your way out with spare change and fake charm.

Was Ellen born that way, or just forced into it? Either way, forgiveness isn't a coupon for idiots who keep slamming the same door on themselves.

Final Thought: Stop Wondering, Start Learning

Before you embarrass yourself any further, tune into Not Fake Fox News—where we give you every perspective, every punchline, and every reason to laugh at the truth.

Closing Jingle:

"Not Fake Fox News—where the only thing we fake is humility!"