Because I Cannot Hurt You

Chapter 83 - Caihong's Circumstances (2)

An Guoting clenched his fists. "I don't care about society."

"And you think Caihong wouldn't care too?" She questioned him back.

"Dad, she may try to look tough and strong and act as if she is unaffected, but how long would that strength last? Words are more hurtful than a physical injury and until when would Caihong be able to bear such humiliation? Nobody would give a damn that she was a victim. This will affect your reputation, too, and Caihong would never want to see you suffer."

Silence.

Shuang gave a wry smile. "Dad, the physical assault might have lasted one night, but the mental and emotional suffering she would have to face from the world once she gets the victim tag would last forever. Do you want her to live a life like that? Your power wouldn't be able to save her."

He pursed his lips.

"Even if you threaten them to shut their mouths, it won't work for long. People will still talk. In fact, the more you scare them, the more people would talk. And you know Caihong. Even if she is suffering, she won't ever tell you."

An Guoting was trembling in anger and helplessness.

An Meiying was thought of this as a good chance to pour more oil in the fire.

"She is right. Guoting, we cannot be hasty in our decision. What if Caihong couldn't bear it anymore and she tries to...do something to herself?"

"No!"

An Guoting paled. The thought of Caihong committing suicide made him shudder.

How will I ever bear the pain of losing her?

"That is why I think it's wise to keep it to ourselves. Thankfully, nobody in college knows about the incident. They can get married and leave abroad for some time just to be safe and things to cool down."

An Guoting said, "But do you want Caihong to marry the same man who is the cause of her state that we saw now? That's preposterous!"

Shuang paused. "Then who will? Finding another man for her and telling his family the truth is as good as everybody else finding it. Some of the relatives might gossip and it could come out. You cannot expect this to keep a secret from the family she would be marrying into."

An Meiying said, "And Han Zhiyuan is out of the question. He loves her, so he might marry her without any qualms but do you think Elder Han would accept her?"

An Guoting stiffened. "No way in hell will she marry Zhiyuan. I don't want Caihong to have anything to do with the Han family!"

"That is why Xiaosi is the only option we have."

Shuang said, "Don't worry Dad. We will put conditions in the marriage contract so that Caihong will be safe. Xiaosi will not do anything that will harm her."

After much convincing, An Guoting hesitantly agreed. But convincing Caihong was a task as well.

Caihong laughed. "You think this is the best for me? Do you really think marrying the culprit would make me happy?"

An Guoting held her shoulders. "Caihong. We have talked about this and concluded that it's the only solution that won't make you suffer anymore."

"Hahaha...I see...so now that I am defiled, everybody is shaking their hands off me, right?"

"No! Caihong, how can you even think that?"

She stepped back and raised her palm. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She glanced at Shuang and self-deprecatingly laughed.

For some reason, she thought that Shuang would say different, but who knew that she suggested this in the first place?

What does it matter? We have never bonded as sisters anyway. Why did I expect any help from her?

Shuang noticed the hidden emotions in her misty eyes. She lowered her eyelashes and looked away.

An Meiying said in a strained voice, "Caihong, please try to understand us. We are only doing this for your good, dear."

Caihong snickered.

"Alright. If that's what you want, I will marry Xiaosi. I was assaulted. I lost my dignity. My future with Zhiyuan is ruined. What else can make this worse?"

"Caihong don't say like that…" An Guoting tried to reach her, but she stepped back again.

"It's okay, Dad. Make the arrangements. If the family doesn't need me anymore then I better off be abroad and stay away from your lives."

After that, Caihong's relationship with An Guoting went downhill. Before Zhiyuan came asking for questions, Caihong and Xiaosi got married.

Outside the marriage bureau, Xiaosi looked at the red booklet and smiled. "Congratulations, Mrs. Zhu."

Caihong didn't respond.

An Guoting gritted his teeth. "Zhu Xiaosi. Don't dare cross your line and don't forget the conditions or I will make your life hell."

"Don't worry, father-in-law. Caihong is in good hands now."

He flared even more but An Meiying quickly stopped him.

Later that same day, he arranged for them to leave abroad. At that time, Zhiyuan was already trying to meet Caihong, but to no avail.

By the time he talked to An Guoting, he came to know that Xiaosi and Caihong had gotten married and left abroad, shattering his heart.

*Present time*

Caihong looked up at the sky. Her tears had dried up a long back.

"...One month later, I realized I was pregnant."

Xinyi was silent. The truth that Zhiyuan searched for so long was finally out and it only brought tears to her eyes.

That fateful night and then her marriage with Xiaosi the next day would have been so difficult for her to handle. Everything came all at once.

Her lost dignity.

Her marriage to Xiaosi.

And her separation from Zhiyuan forever.

Xinyi couldn't come up with anything to say or console. What would she do at this point?

She slowly said, "That's why you hate Chyou."

Silence.

"What else am I supposed to feel for her, Xinyi? Do you think I am cruel? Do you think that it's my obligation to love her because I gave birth to her? Harsh as it may sound, she is a child I never wanted. I wanted to abort her, but Xiaosi didn't let me."

Xinyi said nothing.

Caihong stared at her. "I know what you want to say. Dad and Shuang say the same thing. It's not Chyou's fault. So, I shouldn't hate her or should have not thought of killing her. Isn't it?"

Xinyi's lips slowly traced into a sad smile. She recalled that time almost four years back.

'Mrs. Han. Are you sure you want to go through the abortion?'

'Please think it through once again.'

"I...will not say that. I am in no position to say that to you…" she said in a trance.

Because at one time, I stood at the same position as you, Caihong.

Caihong furrowed her brows. "What?"

She snapped out of her stupor. She shook her head. "Nothing." She held her hand firmly and softly said, "It must have been difficult for you."

Caihong didn't understand why but it didn't feel like a simple consolation from her. The strain in her voice felt really deep...as if she really understood her pain. They were not just mere words.

"It was. But still everybody assumed that it was not. Why?" She clenched her fist. "Did anybody ask me how it felt to carry that man's child who ruined everything for me? Did anybody ask me how suffocating it felt to feel that proof of that night in my belly? Do you know how disgusting I felt? I was drugged and assaulted for God's sake! And everyone around me expects me to love that child that I loathe? So what if it wasn't Chyou's fault? Was it my fault either? Why am I forced to love a child that I didn't even want!?"

"I know there are many women like me in the world for whom one night has destroyed everything for them but who choose to willingly give birth and love them. But I am not one of them! I am not that great and I don't want to be either!"

She gasped and once again, those memories caused the tears to slip in her eyes.

"I was forced that night, I was forced to marry, then I was forced to give birth to her and now I am forced to love her too. Does anybody think how I feel!?" She laughed sadly. "From that night until now, I was always forced into a corner to accept the situation and move on. Even now, I am not living my life. I am forcing myself to breathe every moment and why not? This is not the life that I had wished for!"

Caihong's outburst shook her hard. All this time, she kept these suffocating feelings bottled up inside her.

She fell back on her knees and blankly said, "I know…I know she doesn't deserve this. But I don't deserve this either. I cannot love her, Xinyi. I just cannot...at one time I did try. I tried hard to smile at her, but the only thing that came out was tears and anger. We both are just helplessly tied to our dreadful fates all because of that one man!"