NOVEL WEB Chapter 8
My lonely week went by, and I managed to adjust fairly quickly. I was also a total shut in at the best of times, so that definitely helped ease me into my new normal. Did it stop me from overthinking everything that had gone on in the past couple weeks? No. But that would be asking too much. Trying to distract myself from my own thoughts only served to be temporary relief, but it was the best I could hope for, given the circumstances.
Since it was now Saturday and James was home for the weekend, I decided to spend some time with my him. Out of everyone in the family, he seemed to be the least affected by everything going on in our household. I chalked it up to him being so young. When it was just the two of us, he acted like the same excitable little boy as he had before, and I could almost forget everything. Almost. There was always that niggling little itch at the back of my brain reminding me that he wasn’t a real boy anymore. But that was an easy fact to forget given how he looked and acted.
After we’d taken a break to have some lunch, I decided I was a little burnt out and needed some time to myself. So, I headed to my and booted up my computer to watch some videos to relax. For once my mind wasn’t plagued with worrying thoughts about my family, due to the mental exhaustion I’d built up after spending several hours with James.
I was interrupted before long when I heard my bedroom door open. I turned around and saw dad standing in my doorway with a solemn expression painted on his face. He asked me to come into the family room. I obliged, wondering what this was all about. Was something the matter? It certainly seemed the case, as much as I hoped it wasn’t. The look on dad’s face was not promising, however.
As I entered the room, I saw mum and James already sitting down. Mum had a grave expression, and even James looked a little concerned, clearly understanding that something was up. I didn’t like the looks of it either. Whatever our parents were about to say, it wasn’t going to be good.
I took a seat next James and wrapped my arm around his waist to comfort him. He hugged me back in kind. Dad sat down, taking a deep breath, though he didn’t speak.
Instead, it was mum who spoke, “Before I begin, it’s important for both of you to understand that I still love you.” She took a deep breath before continuing, “I know this may be difficult, but I have decided to move out and live with my sister for a while, for my own sake.”
“WHAT!?” James screamed, jumping off the lounge. “You can’t leave us mum!”
“I’m not leaving you, James,” she said in a soft, reassuring tone, forcing a smile onto her face. “You’ll still be able to see me regularly, just not every day.”
James quietened down and fell back onto the lounge. “Ok…” He sounded defeated but knew he couldn’t argue. I gripped him in another side hug and rubbed my hand along the side of his body.
The news that mum had brought forth was grim, and I frowned in response. I had a strong suspicion it had to do with me – what I had done, even if on accident – but I couldn’t be sure without asking. “Why?”
“I need some time away from all this… weirdness. It’s impossible to ignore what happened, and I would be lying if it hasn’t put a strain on me.”
I knew it. She didn’t want to outright say it, probably to protect my feelings, but we both knew that this was because of me. I didn’t want to be rude, so I kept quiet, allowing mum to resume.
“It’s hard for me to look at your father anymore. All I see is some woman, like he’s up and been replaced by a stranger. I need some time away, to process things. I won’t be going far, and your father and I have agreed to have you both stay with me every weekend.”
“You’re not going to get divorced, are you?” I asked, lacing my voice with as much concern as I could muster. That would be the worst case in this scenario. If they were to divorce, I wasn’t sure whether I’d be able to keep the promise I made to dad.
“At this time, we aren’t planning on it,” dad answered, relieving me somewhat “But I sincerely hope it does not come to that. Your mother just needs some space.”
The worry on dad’s face was obvious. It seemed as though, while the two of them had both discussed this, dad only agreed because he didn’t want to strain their relationship further. He didn’t want to lose her, and he determined that allowing her time to herself was the only way he could prevent the worst.
I couldn’t imagine how hard this must have been for him though. First, he got stuck in a body which clearly caused him distress, and then because of said body, his wife needed time away from him. He still deeply cared about her, I knew that for a fact, and this decision likely devastated him.
James looked to be on the verge of tears. He was too young to fully comprehend the reasoning; all he knew was that mum was leaving because she wasn’t happy anymore. Mum left her seat and approached James, wrapping him up in a hug. She rubbed his back gently to help soothe his woes. Mum stared lovingly into her child’s eyes as she broke off from the hug.
“It’s ok, sweetie,” she said reassuringly. “I would never abandon you. We will still see each other often, I promise, but it won’t be every day from now on.”
Mum gently caressed James’ back as he cried into her shoulder. Poor kid. I knew that this wouldn’t be easy for him, but what could I even do? I sighed, hoping that this would be temporary, but my gut was telling me that it likely was not.
If the universe hadn’t given me this stupid ‘gift’, none of this would be happening right now. Sure, my life would still be terrible, but there was comfort in the familiarity of the previous misery. Now, it was like the train had crashed and the carriages toward the back were beginning to pile up, more and more, their inertia continuing to slide the train along its tracks. There was no stopping the train; the unstoppable arrow of time marching ever forward, caring not for the passengers on board.
I looked over at dad, who was barely holding it together. He’d always seemed so confident and resilient before, taking everything in stride. He never let anything get him too down, almost always having a smile on his face. Though even he had his limits it seemed. I made my way over to him and beckoned him to follow me to my room, so that we could speak in private. He gave me a weak smile and obliged. It was time we finally talked about this, properly.
We each sat down on my bed, though my dad took to laying on his back with his legs hanging off the edge, staring at the ceiling, hands behind his head. His expression was grim, to say the least.
“How are you holding up, dad?” I asked.
“Don’t worry about me, worry about yourself and your brother. I can handle myself.”
“Stop it!” I exclaimed, a little louder than I would have liked. “Every time I ask you how you’re doing, you keep deflecting! I’m allowed to be concerned for you, especially since I was the catalyst for everything that’s happening! I care about you, and I can’t bear to see you like this, and it’s frustrating that you refuse to let me try to help.”
“I understand that you’re concerned for me, Ben,” he sighed, glancing over at me, “But how exactly do you think you’ll be able to help? Unless you can change me back, there’s nothing you can do. I’m an adult, Ben, and you’re still a kid. Let me handle my own problems.”
I pursed my lips. I wasn’t happy about being treated like some little kid. Sure, legally I was still a minor, but only barely. What’s one year anyway? I was basically an adult at this point. I also didn’t appreciate being brushed off once again. Dismissed. Like my ideas were worthless simply because of my age. I doubted that I would ever be able to get him to budge though. He was rather adamant about this, and it was aggravating. Surely he understood that.
“You can’t keep piling burdens onto yourself like this! Can’t you see that? You were the one who told me that bottling up my feelings would only make things worse and worse until the dam finally breached and everything flooded out all at once. I don’t want to see that happen to you. Please, dad, just talk to me.”
I’d gotten so worked up during my outburst, that once I’d stopped, I could hear my heart thumping in my head, the frequency of the beating much higher than usual. Dad frowned but continued staring at the ceiling, not even giving me so much as a glance.
Maybe I was hypocritical though, telling him to explain his feelings to me. It’s not like I ever really talked about my own feelings with him. Not because I didn’t think he couldn’t help me. No, I simply found it difficult to express them. I always found it hard to talk about these sorts of things. I still hadn’t even told him that I had been bullied for the past few years by Jesse. I would just pretend like nothing was wrong, not wanting worry him or mum with my issues.
…
Wow, I really was a hypocrite. Here I was complaining about dad refusing to let me help him, but I’d been doing it for far, far longer than he. Should I mention it to him? I mean, probably. But that was over now, so it was probably best to leave it. I still didn’t want to worry him about me.
“Fine,” dad finally announced. “You want to know how I’m feeling? The answer is shit. After two weeks of this, my body still feels weird and foreign to me. Every time I move, or speak, I’m constantly reminded of how wrong it all is.”
He sniffled and wiped away the tears that had built up while he spoke. My lower lip began quivering, seeing dad in such a state. I took in deep breaths through my nose to help keep myself calm, but even I was struggling to hold back the water works.
“And then your mother,” he continued, softer now, “tells me she needs to spend some time away from me. I was heartbroken when she said that, but I couldn’t argue with her. Her mental health is just as important to me as yours and James’. Not to mention that this was the worst week of work I’d ever had in my life.” He paused again to breathe, and to calm down a little. He turned his head toward me, looking directly into my eyes. “I’m struggling, Ben, and I don’t know what to do. My entire life has fallen apart in the span of two weeks, and I’m scrambling to try and patch everything to no avail.”
I flopped backwards onto the bed, copying my father’s posture, staring at the ceiling. We both laid there for a while, silently crying. Maybe silence is what we both needed right now. Time to think. Time to breathe. Time to cry. But there was something else niggling at the back of my mind that I simply needed to ask about.
“What do you think will happen between you and mum? Do you think she’ll ever come back?”
Dad took a moment to take some breaths before responding. “No,” was all he said.
I sighed. I’d hoped it wasn’t that bad, even though I knew it my heart that it was. How could it not be? I glanced back at him, seeing the tears roll off his cheeks and onto my bed. I would have tried to put my arm around him to comfort him, but our current positions made that somewhat difficult, so I refrained.
Mum leaving was definitely going to affect dad more than anyone else in the family. James and I would still be able to see her. I believed her when she said she wouldn’t abandon the two of us. I was still worried about James. This would be huge shock to his system given how young he was.
But dad. He and mum had been together for twenty years now, and even a stranger would be able to tell that he still deeply cared about her. I hadn’t realised just how much dad’s transformation had affected his and mum’s relationship. She wouldn’t make a decision like this if she didn’t believe it for the best though. Her mental health was still important, even if I didn’t agree with her actions.
I choked back a sob. Dad was struggling because of me. I’d ruined his life, and it pained me. It was hard not to feel guilty, but I did my best. I’d made a promise after all.
“Hey dad,” I said.
“Yeah?”
“You know how you asked me to promise not to feel guilty about what happened?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you promise me something?” I asked.
He turned to me, his bloodshot eyes staring into mine. “What is it?”
Tears were welling up in my eyes. My thoughts had turned dark, and it was becoming difficult to speak. Still, I needed to persevere. “Don’t do anything drastic.” I said, hoping he would understand what I meant. I couldn’t say it directly. It would be too hard, so I had to rely on the euphemism.
He placed a hand on my shoulder and gently squeezed.
“I won’t. I promise,” he whispered.
