Backwoods Dungeon

Chapter Seven

Jiminy Cricket

As always, cold, relentless reality crept in almost immediately when dreams were around to be shattered.

First and foremost was the idea of killing things for money. On the one hand, hunting was a thing, but on the other, deer didn’t talk.

It had been self-defense when the goblins were actively trying to kill me. Still, I didn’t know why they’d done that. Perhaps I had offended them? Maybe I’d wandered into an area they considered their territory, and they wouldn’t have attacked me if I’d never gone barrelling down the mountain after them. Hell, maybe they found my shovel to be a holy symbol, and by holding it, I was committing some sacrilege.

That didn’t track, though. The more I thought about it, the more sure I was that the goblins had been deliberately taunting me. They hadn’t known how effective it would be, but they wanted to lure me out there.

They’d stayed just out of sight, and when I’d come after them, they led me to a place where all of them could’ve ambushed me at once.

In retrospect, only their lack of coordination had kept me alive. In some cases, they’d outright sabotaged each other. I remembered the goblin kicking its fellow while it was trying to get back up.

Still, I couldn’t assume there weren't outside circumstances around the attack because they looked and acted like goblins from stories. What if these were just assholes, and the greater Goblin population didn’t approve of them? I couldn’t just assume.

That was only the first issue in my way.

Just because it seemed like those coins had somehow magically appeared as deposits in my bank account didn’t mean they were definitely the cause. I’d have to test that, and it was already far too late to go traipsing back down the mountain tonight. So I’d also have to make sure that the coins were the source of the deposits.

Third was that I’d only seen five goblins. Yes, the cave went deeper into the earth, and the place felt ominous. There were probably more goblins down there, but what if I spent a whole day there and found nothing? Or what if that cave had only looked deep?

In every story that had goblins, they were always abundant. There was no such thing as one goblin. Their masses, their numbers, were almost always their biggest strength. Logic would dictate that was true here on my mountain, too, but I couldn’t be certain.

So many uncertainties…

Fortunately, I had all day tomorrow to explore.

I went to the garage and pulled out a machete I hadn’t touched in years. We also had a safe out there that held a couple of small handguns. Rio and I went to the range now and then early in our relationship but we hadn’t been in a while.

The girl could outshoot me nine times out of ten, but I counted myself as good of a shot as I could be with my bad depth perception. We had two handguns. One was a revolver, and the other was a Smith and Wesson… something. Shit, I really should know more about guns. Still, I did know how to load the clip, and we had two spare clips, so I could quickly replace them if needed.

I was in the middle of loading the third clip when my phone rang.

“Shit,” I murmured. “Rio…”

I answered the phone shakily.

“Hi, hon,” I chirped.

“Hey,” she asked. “Everything alright? You haven’t called today.”

“Yeah, uh. Yeah, everything’s going just fine,” I said.

I could practically feel her eyes narrow in suspicion.

“Your voice is doing that thing it does when you’re not telling me something,” she said with a sigh. “What happened?”

Fuck.

“Nothing…! Nothing happened,” I lied.

“Nothing, hmm?”

Double fuck.

“I… okay. I… fucked up at work yesterday,” I said, deciding it was best to bite the bullet. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t figure it out eventually. “I got fired, but–!”

I held up a finger as if she could see my hands over the phone and then felt stupid about it. “But! I’ve already potentially got a new job lined up.”

“You… You got fired!? Fucking hell, Theo!” she groaned. “Are you serious?”

“It’s sales. Small sales, commissioned based. I actually might be going to work there tomorrow. Not certain yet, but I’ll let you know, okay?” I said, knowing I was digging the first dirt clods of my metaphorical grave even as I spoke.

“Sma… commissioned based sales? Teddy, you barely like looking at people, let alone talking to them!”

“That’s the beauty of it! It’s online. I already managed a few… just. I think this might be better in the long run. I was hating that job anyway. Hell, you know how much I’ve complained about it,” I reasoned.

“You’ll be complaining a lot more when we have to move back into an apartment in the city! Or worse, with your mother!” she snapped.

“Honey…” I breathed. “We both know you’ll have murdered me long before I have to worry about that.”

“Hah!” She barked unwillingly. “Fuck you. Don’t make me laugh! I’m mad at you!”

“I know… I know. I’m sorry. I just… lost my temper. It was the last straw,” I said.

She sighed. “Fucking… this is… Theo, we can’t make it on just my pay. I know you didn’t like that job, but you’ve got to admit it was better than killing your feet at Dowell’s!”

I had a brief stint working at a local home improvement store. It had not been an enjoyable job for me, though I learned a lot about how to upkeep my house. It had been one of those experiences that I was glad I’d had but would not care to repeat.

“It’s not as bad as all that,” I said. “I’ve got at least twenty job applications in if this sales thing goes down the tubes too, and I’ll be spending tomorrow putting more in. Even though they let me go, I’m sure I can still get a solid reference from Brian. We’re gonna be fine, okay?”

‘It wasn’t like we had anything worth saving money for anyway,’ I thought bitterly.

“Alright. Okay. Sales… Sounds like one of those pyramid scams to me. We’re going to have to talk about that when I get back. Dammit, Theo! I was having such a good weekend… I even had a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?” I grinned.

“Not anymore! I’m going to have to return it now,” she said.

“No, you don’t!” I insisted. “What is it? Will I like it?”

“Not anymore,” she repeated, a bit more playfulness in her voice. She sighed as reality set back in. “I really should return it, though. Especially if you won’t be making anything for a few weeks.”

“Don’t knock this sales thing so early. I’m kinda excited about it,” I insisted. “And no, it’s not a pyramid scheme. It’s waaay worse than that.”

“I’m not amused, Teddy,” she replied, but I could tell she actually was. She didn’t call me Teddy when she was truly upset.

“It’ll be okay, Rio. I promise,” I said reassuringly.

She huffed. “I… dammit. I can’t talk to you right now. Call me back when I’m less pissed, okay?”

I snickered. “Love you, Hon.”

“Love you too, you stupid bear,” she said, bringing a grin to my face before hanging up.

“Sales…” I breathed. “What the fuck am I thinking?”