Backwoods Dungeon

Chapter Four

Physical Classes

My dog was there to greet me as I reached my driveway, yapping up a storm. Her name was Genji because I am a complete nerd. We’d gotten her because we wanted a good guard dog. Defense. She was our Genji Armor.

I never told my wife about the reference. She just liked the name, so it was a win-win.

“Quiet down!” I hissed as I got closer, and, wonder of wonders, the dog actually did.

The potion had done a fantastic job healing me, but I was still sore and achy. The last few steps up to the front porch were murder, and Genji followed me inside. The dog seemed to understand that I was in pain, and she fussed over me, whining as she licked at my pant leg.

I stripped off my clothing and hopped into the shower before anything else. The hot water felt like a dream. Unfortunately, I’d discovered that even closing my eyes did not eliminate the two buttons with the plus signs.

They hovered in the corners of my vision, just waiting for me to push them.

Safe in the confines of my home and locked in the bathroom as the dried blood washed off me and down the drain, I finally decided to open one. I arbitrarily picked the red one on the right.

I reached out and tried to push the button with my finger, but I immediately felt like an idiot when nothing happened. My finger was just behind the button like I was wearing a heads-up display.

“Okay… how do I click you?” I thought. In the stories I’d read where games became reality, there was usually some form of mental guidance that the protagonist could use so I just mentally clicked it like I would a button on the computer.

It beveled inward before a dialogue box covered my field of view.

“Status screen unavailable until a class is chosen.”

“Good lord, that is freaky,” I said as I mentally clicked the “Okay” button below the dialogue. It seemed green needed to go first.

I felt suddenly excited. A class? I got to pick a class!?

Then I shook myself as reality set in. Even if I could pick a class, it wasn’t like being a Wizard or a Warrior was actually very helpful in real life. How would being able to throw fireballs around help me with my taxes or pay bills?

…

Actually, being a Rogue might be very useful for those things. Of course, that didn’t mean it was a good idea for my literal job title to be a criminal.

I sighed and clicked the green button. In for a penny, in for a pound. I was just rolling with it by this point. I was picking my class in the shower as I washed blood off my butt.

Great.

Sure enough, it was exactly what I’d expected. Paladin, Barbarian, Cleric, Rogue, Wizard, Druid, Necromancer, Monk, and Bard.

‘Right… yesterday I lost my job… today I’m a D&D character,’ I thought. I still wasn’t quite believing what I was seeing and thought I’d wake up in bed any minute. There’d be no weird buttons, no evidence of fighting goblins, and everything would be normal.

Evidently not. The screens stayed right there. Above them was a line of text that sent a chill down my spine.

“The seals are broken. The hells awaken. Take up arms, humanity. The ancient enemy comes once more.”

I rolled my eyes. What middle school emo kid came up with that? Credit where credit was due. It certainly hit the right note for ominous.

A drop of sweat trailed down my neck despite the shower.

This whole thing was stupid. The… the “Hells?” Like, the literal hells? Weren’t those just God's punishment for Satan?

I sighed. The sooner I got these damn buttons out of my field of view, the sooner the world could go back to normal.

Still… those goblins had been real as far as I could tell… Perhaps I should pick the class I want to be, just in case.

I was going to look at all of them before choosing. I almost clicked Necromancer to get it out of the way, but I hesitated. What if simply choosing was a final decision? Would I be stuck resurrecting dead bodies if I so much as accidentally clicked that option?

For that reason, I opted to pick the Paladin first. Paladins, at least, didn’t typically start to go pale and resemble the skeletons. I figured it was the safest bet if I was stuck with whatever I clicked first.

I needn’t have worried. It turned out to be a helpful little game screen in my head, as an image of me was shown. It wasn’t me as I was, but it was an idealized version of me. Gone was the paunch of fat that I couldn’t seem to get rid of. Gone were the flabby arms and double chin. Instead, I wore a resplendent plate mail armor and carried a wicked shield. A longsword was sheathed at my side, and I held onto a glistening helmet that looked like something out of Medieval Times. The theoretical Paladin me glowed with an unearthly and mildly unsettling light.

Below the agonizingly sexy Paladin Theo was a description.

Paladins are holy warriors renowned for their unwavering dedication to righteousness, justice, and protecting the innocent.

Physically stronger than most other classes, the Paladin relies on strength and wisdom for their abilities and holy spells. Their strength comes from their physical prowess and unshakable faith in their chosen deity or code of ethics.

Their moral compass is uncompromising, and they hold themselves to the highest standards of conduct. They stand as beacons of hope and defenders against darkness, willing to sacrifice their own well-being for the greater good.

Paladins are found on the frontline against the hordes of hell and, in times of peace, are arbiters between disputes. They inspire those around them with their bravery, righteousness, and unwavering dedication.

Would you like to become a Paladin?

Note: If you become a Paladin, the level-independent attribute “Zeal” will be added to your status screen.

Zeal… so did that mean the depth of my belief in my cause would actually affect my overall abilities? That seemed like a huge glaring weakness.

What if something made me doubt my conviction? Would I instantly lose all of my abilities?

From there, I decided to read their descriptions in order from least likely to most. Frankly, even if it was useless, the idea of throwing fireballs still tickled some primordial lizard-brain part of me, so Wizard would obviously be last.

Barbarians are gifted with a natural strength that far exceeds the common man. Ruled and strengthened by their emotions, the Barbarians fuel incredible feats of martial prowess with anger, rage, or even bloodlust.

Strength and Charisma are their primary attributes. The Barbarian is a tactical genius on the battlefield. Intuitive leaps in logic happen instantaneously for Barbarians, allowing them to dodge strikes and even magical attacks without thought.

Forgoing heavy armor, the Barbarian wears furs or leather to remain mobile. To a Barbarian, overwhelming offense is the best defense.

In peace times, they are often found in gladiatorial arenas where competitions of strength and valor are admired.

Barbarians are experts in channeling intense emotion into combat prowess, and their sheer presence can invigorate even common men and women to incredible feats of bravery, magic, and power.

Would you like to become a Barbarian?

Note: If you become a Barbarian, the level-independent attribute “Fury” will be added to your status screen.

I was actually a bit more impressed than I expected to be with the image of linebacker Theo. I originally had no intention of being a Barbarian since the dumb brute stereotype looked pretty spot on. Still, I’d felt pretty fucking pissed when that goblin had sliced me. I didn’t think I’d have trouble bringing up rage or strong emotions during a fight.

The idea of looking like a football player certainly didn’t hurt. Putting all this body fat to use might actually be a solid choice.

However, being not only on the frontlines of a fight with demons but doing so while wearing fur did not sit well with me. I didn’t exactly like my first experience of being sliced with a knife and was quite hesitant to repeat it.

I decided to pass for now… damn though. I would love to see my wife’s reaction if I walked in the door looking like that.

The next one I chose to open was the Rogue, and I wasn’t exactly surprised by the description.

My Rogue self wore dark clothes that hung over an almost comically thin body. It didn’t look unnatural, but after having been over two hundred pounds for years, seeing a thin version of myself was strange. Also a little insulting.

He carried a longbow, which frankly seemed silly to me. If there were any chance this whole thing was real, I certainly wouldn’t be taking a bow into a fight. I’d be bringing a gun. Ideally, a lot of guns.

I couldn’t think of any particularly positive uses of a Rogue’s skills in real life either. I didn’t have anyone I particularly wanted to rob, and I certainly didn’t like the idea of assassinating people.

Rogues are blessed with uncanny speed and accuracy. Favoring Dexterity above all other attributes, the Rogue can get to almost anywhere and use their mobility, speed, and stealth to land powerful strikes before enemies even know there is danger.

Rogues are also immensely perceptive, able to spot traps and hidden enemies that might catch other classes unaware.

In times of peace, Rogues are often wanderers, gaining wisdom from other cultures to allow them to blend in better. They might become thief catchers or bandit hunters. They often take immense pleasure in uncovering secrets, blackmail, or swindling those not clever enough to catch them.

They can become expert assassins, capable of eliminating heavily fortified enemies before they can become threats. Shadow skills, bombs, and deadly traps are all part of the Rogue’s arsenal. They are also prone to finding more gold, weapons, and items from the bodies of demons.

Would you like to become a Rogue?

Note: If you become a Rogue, the drop-chance of items and gold when you kill creatures of hell is doubled. This ability is an aura that emanates to all party members.

No, thank you. That last line intrigued me slightly, but not nearly enough to pick a class all about archery and knives when guns were a thing.

Really, were any of these physical classes actually useful next to an assault rifle? Still, having a Rogue along would be useful, if only because there would be more loot.

I moved on. Monk was the last of the purely physical classes, and I blinked when I opened it. God, I wish. Monk Theo looked like a movie star.

Shirtless and traditionally strong, rather than a mountain of muscle like the Barbarian, the Monk version of me was tall, lithe, and powerful. Radiant light emanated from his fists as he stood meditatively before occasionally bursting into a kata. He wore loose pants, and with each punch he threw, small dragons exploded behind him in radiant light bursts.

Monks are warriors of balance. They attune the harmony of their lives to that of nature and the arcane. From that harmony stems power.

As a seeker of balance, Monks grow naturally faster in all areas than any other class. A jack of all trades but master of none, the Monk has self-healing abilities, great strength, incredible accuracy, natural regeneration, and can use lesser magics.

An answer to any situation, the Monk flourishes in his versatility. Monks use no weapons but those they were born with, preferring the path of the pugilist.

In peacetime, Monks are artists, sculptors, painters, and writers. They enjoy creation and can often become the builders and architects of great works.

Monks are masters of creating their own perfect terrain, able to lay blessings of enhancement, strength, magic, and healing to their allies while hindering enemies before ever touching them.

Would you like to become a Monk?

Note: If you become a Monk, your status screen will no longer be interactive. Instead, all attribute values will increase by one each level.

That… sounded like it had the potential to be massively powerful at very high levels, but getting there would probably be a slog. Assuming I actually believed any of this crap I was seeing, which I still very much didn’t.

Self-healing though…

As far as I was concerned, a punch would never hit as hard as a bullet. But… what if… what if a Monk could heal sterility? A Paladin or a Cleric, too maybe?

I sighed. I was trying to use video game logic to deal with real-world problems. Maybe I really had gone round the bend. I couldn't let the idea go, though.