As It Was

Henry

The passing of cars flying by from beside my own seemed to be going all too fast for my brain to keep up with. As if Monday mornings weren't crappy enough, I'd woken up a bit late and had to rush out the door without so much as even bidding Chandler a goodbye as per usual. In the past, he would've let himself out without a word and shoot me a text letting me know he locked the door behind him.

As I maneuvered my car into the parking garage at work and secured a spot towards the back, the insistent ringing of my phone resonated persistently from within my pocket. Barely a moment passed before my eyes captured the familiar name flashing on the dashboard's screen, prompting my thumb to glide effortlessly across the illuminated green button, connecting the call without delay.

"Hello?" I uttered, my voice tinged with concern as I anxiously awaited a response. The timing of the call, right after my arrival at work and being distanced from home, stirred a sense of unease within me.

"Henry," Chandler's voice emerged groggily, yet oddly attentive, betraying traces of sleepiness. "Is everything alright? You were gone when I woke up, and I couldn't help but worry if something had happened or..." Chandler's concern flowed through their words, punctuated by a lingering uncertainty.

"I'm fine, Chan," I chuckled softly, recognizing the undertone of anxiety in the deep rumble of his voice on the other end of the line. "I simply overslept and didn't have a chance to wake you before I had to hurry out." Reassurance laced my words, aiming to ease Chandler's concerns.

"O-oh," he stuttered, followed by a mumbled utterance too faint for me to decipher. "Right. That makes sense. Sorry, I wasn't thinking about the time. I guess I've just grown so used to you being the one to wake me up..." His chortle was small, carrying a touch of nervousness followed by a hint of embarrassment. His words stumbling out of his mouth as he attempted to regain composure confused me all the more.

What the hell?

"It's alright." I paused briefly before continuing, my curiosity piqued. "Is everything okay? You seem a bit off..." I observed his thoughtful demeanor, sensing that he was carefully selecting his words before responding.

"Oh!" I startled at his abrupt reply, causing my heart to skip a beat within my chest. "Yeah, everything's great. Don't worry about me; you're already running late. Focus on getting to work, young man!" His playful tone carried a hint of admonishment, urging me to prioritize my responsibilities.

"Okay, okay!" I giggled past any embarrassment that was trying to hold back the pure joy Chandler instilled in me, "I just got here. I'll see you when I get home, yeah?"

"Yeah," I could detect the playful smile in his voice, and my mind drifted as I envisioned his lips, teasing and adorned with a delightful rosiness. "Have a good day at work, Henry," he expressed, his warm words gently bidding me farewell.

I hummed and pulled my phone away from my ear as I ended the call, trying not to read too much into the unfamiliar, anxious tone in my best friend's voice. He never would've called like that before, he would've just assumed I had to leave early or had something urgent to take care of. He always seemed to be calm and collected at all times, knowing things even without having heard them. His heightened concern caused a selfish flutter within me, yet I found myself unable to pay it much attention. Swiftly, I gathered my belongings, exiting the car with a sense of purpose, driven by Chan's encouraging words.

Manuscripts and articles wouldn't miraculously edit themselves, leaving me to work more diligently than I had for a while. It was a busy day, and my mind felt as if it was going one hundred miles a minute. By the time lunch rolled around, I barely gave myself enough time to eat and instead spent most of the break at my desk sifting through and organizing various documents I had yet to finish editing. Luckily, the remaining hours went by in a flash as I kept to myself and practically only lifted my head to get up and use the restroom or to stretch for a moment before resuming my work.

As I busied myself with packing up my belongings and discreetly slipping a few unedited documents into my bag, I suddenly felt a gentle tap on my shoulder that broke my concentration.

"Hey, Ry!" I pivoted to find Molly standing there, her radiant smile illuminating her face and her eyes brimming with a joy that seemed to be the envy of many. Molly, a friend from college who coincidentally ended up working at the same company after graduation, had always been known for her kindness, compassion, and affectionate nature towards others. She was also conventionally gorgeous, which only heightened her popularity in school and spurred my confusion as to why she had befriended someone like me.

Her outgoing personality was the opposite of mine, but her understanding and empathetic nature allowed me to feel like I could trust her early on in our friendship. Meeting new people was never my strong suit, but having at least one familiar face in the workplace fresh out of college was a comfort she gladly provided. Other than Chan, she was one of my closest friends.

She also knew the truth.

Aware of the depth of my feelings for Chandler, extending far beyond mere friendship, Molly had been a pillar of support, lending a compassionate ear whenever the weight of it all became overwhelming. Her unwavering presence and understanding went beyond what words could express—I was profoundly grateful for her unwavering support.

In a world where I imprisoned my feelings within a dark cage, sealed tightly with padlocks lacking any key, she offered a steadfast shoulder to lean on. At times, she even spoke the harsh truths I needed to hear, jolting me awake and compelling me to confront reality head-on.

"Hey!" I returned her smile, my focus shifting back to tidying up my workspace in preparation for the day's end. "What's going on?" I inquired, eager to engage in a brief conversation before wrapping up and heading home.

"I'm heading out, but I couldn't find you at lunch and I wanted to talk to you about something really quick." Her feathery voice was innocent and sweet- more so than usual.

Uh oh. This could only mean one thing- she was up to something.

Pausing my movements, I regarded her with a hint of suspicion, my gaze fixed on the small smirk emerging on her lips that were accentuated by a subtle touch of red. An uneasiness settled within me as I sensed that she was about to broach a topic that would likely stir some form of distress within me.

"Ah, sorry. I was catching up on some work during lunch. The last thing I need right now is to fall behind, again." I explained, "What is it that you wanted to talk about? Not to rush you or anything, but I have to get going in a few because-"

"Yeah, yeah. I know," she huffed, rolling her black-lined eyes and placing a perfectly manicured hand on her hip, "Chandler's at home waiting for his precious wife to come take care of him."

"It's not like that..." I mumbled, feeling a warm blush creep up my cheeks as I swiftly became flustered. The mere mention of her addressing me as Chan's wife sent a surge of emotions through me, catching me off guard.

The thing is, it was like that- and we both knew it.

"Whatever." She dismissed, flipping her long chocolate hair behind her shoulder as she walked around my desk to sit on the side of it so I was forced to look at her during our exchange. "I know if I text you about this, you won't respond and you'll have time to come up with some bullshit excuse to get out of it before I see you tomorrow. Therefore, I need to talk to you about this now. Also, it'll only take a moment so don't get your panties in a twist."

"Alright," I gave in, "what is it?" I sighed, knowing she was spot on in the fact that I would just delay the inevitable and ignore her messages, pretending I never saw them if they involved something I didn't want to think about at the time. She learned from the past that I was horrible at coming up with excuses on the spot and couldn't lie to her even if my life depended on it.

In my defense, I think it had more to do with the fact that she was just extremely good at reading people and less to do with the possibility that I was a terrible liar.

"Well," Molly twisted a piece of shiny hair between two of her pampered fingers as she smiled up at me with a child-like hope, "We both know it's been far too long since you've gotten laid. You're going to turn to dust any day now, and what kind of pal would I be to let that happen?"

"Molly!" I gasped, glancing around us frantically in hopes that the last dozen or so stragglers remaining in the office hadn't heard her indelicate words.

"Alright, alright! I'm sorry," she cackled to herself. I placed a hand on my forehead and groaned, wishing the conversation would end so I could just go home and see the only person who could truly make even the most stressful day a great one. "I'm only joking! Seriously though, hear me out, at least?"

Lowering my hand from my face, a twinge of guilt surged within my chest as I witnessed her teasing expression dissipate, replaced by a more solemn countenance. Understanding that her intentions were genuine and well-meaning, I nodded in silent encouragement, signaling for her to proceed with her speech.

"So," she started, "There's this new guy in the Human Resources department. Pauly introduced him to us at lunch on Friday but you weren't around. Funnily enough, you weren't around to meet him today, either."

I raised a brow at her, already knowing where this was going but wishing on all the stars in the sky that I'd be pleasantly surprised and this wouldn't turn into one of her match-making fantasies, "Okay...and?"

"He's really sweet! His name is Jack Parker. He's totally your type, too! He's tall, has perfect manners, a nice deep voice, and strong features that are to die for." She threw caution to the wind and blurted words at me as though she'd been dying to spill the news to me for weeks, "On top of all that, Pauly told me that just so happens to be very single and very homosexual."

"Molly...thank you for trying, but I know where this is going-" I made an attempt to gently let her down, knowing from past experience that Molly was not one to easily give up. However, it seemed that, as usual, she wasn't quite prepared to relinquish her pursuit just yet.

"The getting laid part was just a joke, Henry! He's really sweet, and if you got to know him I think you'd really like him. You haven't been on a date in ages and you deserve to have someone take care of you for a change. I know I don't have all the details on him, but I really think he could be that person for you."

Her words caused a stirring whirlpool in my gut. While my initial instinct was to resist and declare that she was mistaken, that I didn't need anyone to take care of me, a part of me, buried deep within, resonated with a sorrowful ache. It yearned for a kind of attention that surpassed fleeting touches and friendly affection, craving a deeper connection. It longed for more, but from someone entirely off-limits—someone I could never pursue for a million reasons.

"What's the point?" I let out an exasperated sigh. "You know how these things always turn out for me." Pessimism seeped into my words, as I recounted my experiences of going on occasional dates, maybe even securing a second one if things went well. However, deep down, my heart remained guarded, incapable of fully surrendering itself to anyone.

It beat for the one person who remained unattainable, and despite my earnest efforts, I struggled to break free from the chains that tightly bound my heart and soul to him.

"Henry Sallow, answer me this. How long are you going to keep waiting around for something that probably won't happen? You know I love you to the moon and back, but I can't sit around and watch you waste away while he's out there living his life without even looking back to make sure you're still there. He goes, you follow. He's got you on a damn leash, and it's time to break free from the collar and start living your own life- not in his shadow."

"Chandler cares," I found myself defending him, unable to ignore the truth. "I don't expect him to center his life around me. I'm the fool for allowing myself to fall in love with my best friend. He hasn't done anything wrong." With every word that escaped my lips, Molly's perspective rang truer, and I couldn't deny the validity of her observations.

She didn't know Chan like I did, but they'd met a few times at gatherings over the last couple of years or when we'd hung out as a larger group with some college friends. She didn't necessarily have a problem with him, but she felt as though he took me for granted. To her, he treated me like a little brother- like family instead of something meant to be cherished.

A significant part of me recognized that Molly's perspective was skewed because she hadn't witnessed our interactions when we were alone or in more intimate settings. In larger crowds, Chandler was often at the center, surrounded by the many people who adored him, naturally. His presence was intoxicating, but the attention made me cower. Often times, I found myself retreating to a corner, concealed from the spotlight. Even in those moments, he never failed to check on me, offering comforting glances, reassuring words, and a sense of solace. However, when we found ourselves in cozier environments or when it was just the two of us, he shed any inhibitions and allowed his affectionate and supportive self to shine through tenfold.

Usually, he was always touching me somewhere. Whether it was an arm strewn over my shoulder, a hand tucked into my hair messily, or just the heat of our legs touching as we sat next to one another, he was always there in some way.

While she had witnessed moments of affection between Chandler and me, it did little to extinguish the flame of anger that surged within her towards him. She couldn't fathom how he hadn't noticed my feelings throughout the years of our friendship. In her eyes, he was either incredibly oblivious or intentionally in denial. I often brushed off her snarky remarks, but as time passed, it became increasingly evident to me just how deeply I had been affected by this tall man in recent times.

My mind flashed to how he'd been acting a little strange recently as well. A nervous tingle spread low in my tummy as I wondered for a moment if maybe, just maybe he was starting to suspect something.

Was I too obvious? Was I becoming worse at hiding my feelings? Does he know?

I was ripped from my thoughts as Molly's painted lips fell into a frown and parted to let out a solemn sigh, "Ry, you know I'm doing this because I care. I know you feel like there's no one out there better for you than Chandler. Hell, maybe that's true. What I'm saying is that you might not be able to find out. At the end of the day, you deserve better than this. Don't waste your time wishing on a star that's too dim. Just try this out, yeah? If it doesn't work out, then it's no big deal. It's just a date, but I really do think you guys will get along great."

I let her words sink in, my tense body relaxing slightly as she laid a familiarly reassuring hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. I knew she was right, and that's what sucked the most.

The chances of Chandler ever feeling something for me were slim to none, and the reality of the situation was that I was in fact waiting for something-anything, to happen. Despite my reluctance to admit it, my assertions of contentment with being alone and not needing anything else in my life at the time were nothing but a façade—a lie I told myself. Deep down, I so desperately needed more. I needed a connection that transcended friendship and ventured into the realm of romantic intimacy. I was tired of feeling that I was simply appreciated, I needed to feel wanted. I needed to feel desired for in the way that I felt for him the past several years.

The journey I traversed along this winding road of indescribable pain had its limits. It felt as if I were walking through a field of roses, where the thorns unfailingly tore at my skin, leaving trails of blood in their wake. Yet, amidst the pain, the roses displayed a breathtaking beauty—a beauty so genuine and profound that the agony seemed worthwhile in the end.

"What makes you think this time will be any different?" My voice was small and vulnerable as I looked up to meet her eyes with my own. In that moment, I'd shrunken into a scared child afraid to sleep on their own for the first time. A sense of pitiful shame, helplessness, and embarrassment washed over me as I realized the depth to which I had allowed myself to tumble down this intricate rabbit hole of emotions. Climbing a web of lies for so many years, I'd finally begun to get tangled.

It was nothing new. I should have been used to feeling this way after years of being a supportive best friend and nothing more. I should have been angry at myself for loving him the way I did, and I should have been numb from feeling the same pain for so long, so why did trying to distance myself from him hurt so badly?

"I can't make any promises," Molly's warm voice did its best to soothe my aching heart, but it merely provided a temporary fix instead of mending it together with the stitches required, "but you've got nothing to lose. So, you know what I say? It's worth one hell of a shot."

I didn't want to keep pushing myself away from the chance that I might be able to find happiness if I tried hard enough. It was daunting to open up and let someone in, especially when the person I truly desired was waiting for me back at my apartment, awaiting my return.

Chandler embodied warmth in its purest form. He emanated strength, love, and compassion, seamlessly intertwined. He'd always been such a unique individual, and even his imperfections have etched themselves deep into the recesses of my heart. Yet, I had been so used to doing nothing but holding onto a dream so far away I couldn't even begin to imagine grasping it. The way he'd acted as of late had to mean nothing. He needed comfort after the accident- it was his way of coping. I'd be there for him no matter what, but the probability that I was being too wishful in the fact that I thought I was seeing some new, unexplainable progress between us was outweighed by simple logic.

To Chandler, I was a constant in his life- a best friend, brother, and someone he could always rely on. After all these years, maybe it was time that I finally try and let go a bit more, for real this time.

No going back and getting tied up again.

If not, I'd be stuck in a vicious cycle of bittersweet hope that leads to inevitable disappointment. Perhaps it was time I take a bite of the forbidden fruit that'd been dangling in front of my face for what felt like an eternity, reasoning that it was the easy way out.

'Let go of him and let yourself latch onto something new, exciting, and fresh. Let yourself be loved.' It recited, over and over again.

A sudden chime from my phone made me jump slightly as I was yanked from the suffocating silence of my thoughts. I pulled it out of my pocket and allowed my eyes to skim over the message before I looked away after a moment and shoved it back into its rightful place in my jeans without responding to the text. The name flashed behind my lids again and again as guilt started to rush over me. I took a deep breath and relaxed into Molly's embrace, relishing in the way that her hand smoothed over my back gently to calm the storm brewing in my mind.

What lay before me felt like a naïve and foolish endeavor. None of the stars felt aligned, and my heart grew heavy in my chest. Yet, it was worth a shot. right? The thought shot a bittersweet pang that began under my collarbones and throbbed deep in my core. Although I didn't have much hope, maybe this time things could be different.

If I could find a way to release my grip on him, creating a small opening within my heart for someone else, perhaps then I could begin the process of moving on. Maybe I could truly embrace being nothing more than a best friend to Chandler, allowing our bond to flourish without any other conflicting emotions clouding the path.

In the eye of the storm churning within me was a hope for change. I was losing the strength to hide my feelings for much longer, and if this was the only outlet to let myself feel loved in the way I craved so badly inside, I would have to give it a shot.

I swallowed the lump that seemed to root itself in my throat and looked down at the cautious looking girl awaiting an answer. Summoning my courage, I drew in a deep breath and mustered the strength to take a step forward, hoping against hope that this chosen path wouldn't inflict even greater pain upon my already wounded soul.

"I'll do it."