An Angel’s Road to Hell

Cassandra Pendragon

“Don’t slouch lass, it’s bad for your spine. What’s gotten into yah, anyways? Me ‘n the lads thought you’d be all cheers and smiles, you’re going to meet your sweetheart again, aren’t yah? That should be more important than saying yer goodbyes to a few craggy dwarfs.” True enough but that wasn’t why I was feeling gloomy in the first place. My mother’s words were still echoing in my ears. She had called me distant, a force of nature, more or less, and even though she was right, it still stung. I knew I wasn’t the most social person but comparing me to a place of all things? How would you feel?

I mean, sure, I didn’t have the luxury to spent my hours sipping tea and cuddling up to my friends, but I never had turned anyone away as far as I could remember. Maybe that was the problem. Aside from Ahri, Reia and Viyara there was pretty much no distinction between how I treated those close to me… maybe even those who weren’t. I wasn’t trying to become everybody’s darling but being told that people only sought me out when they had nowhere else to go and were looking for something else as soon as they had the chance was still a slap in the face. Bottom line I was feeling lonely despite the overcrowded garden. Again.

“Don’t sell yourselves short,” I still managed to reply. “You might not have her legs but you make up for it in different ways.”

“Does that mean I still have a chance of getting a goodbye kiss,” Xorlosh chuckled while I vanished almost entirely in his bear hug, despite the size difference.

His wiry beard felt coarse when I pressed my lips against his cheek. Smirking at his dumbfounded expression I said: “There. Think that will do until we see each other again?” He quickly regained his wits but I was quite sure he was blushing furiously underneath the jungle he called facial hair.

“Ah wouldn’t say no to another one, but that’s already plenty.” Turning serious he added: “it’s been good getting to know you, lass. A shame it took us years and a catastrophe to get closer, but better late than never, as me ma always said. By the stones, ah never expected to one day call anyone but a dwarf family but you and yours… ah well, yah already know, don’t you? Wherever we go, whatever happens, the clan of the McMines will always stand by your side. And when all of this is over… we’re still outlaws back home. Never told yah the story did I? Well, now’s not the time, but this place has some good rock even though it’s a tad bit hot for me liking. Who knows, maybe we’ll be neighbours again before the year has run its course.”

“I’d like that. Very much. You know I’m not that good with words outside of formal occasions but I want you to know… thank you. For everything.” When his expression darkened I quickly continued: “I know gratitude isn’t necessary between us, but still. Thank you. Whether it’s a homeless princess or an exiled immortal, should you ever need me, just say the word.”

“We know,” he mumbled hoarsely, his dark, beady eyes blinking rapidly. He leaned forward and pushed up on his toes to whisper in my ear: “ah don’t want the lads to hear me after everything ah’ve said, but right back at yah. Thank you.” I cocked an eyebrow.

“What for?”

“Quite a lot, actually. Not looking down on us because we aren’t beautiful or graceful, treating us as equals, even though we don’t even reach your navel, never mind your power. Havin’ grow up with that family of yours ah guess that’s nothing special for you, but… me ‘n the lads have been around the block. It is. Usually we’re seen as weapons or machines, useful but…” I hadn’t thought I’d ever see the hardened bundle of muscles and spite choke, but there he was, tearing up and hardly able to finish his sentence. Gently I embraced him again, trying to convey what I felt without words. He cleared his throat and croaked:

“Could yah hold me a mo’ longer? Don’t want the boys to see me right now. By Angrosh’s Axe, it feels like I’m sayin’ goodbye to me own kin. Ah just hope ah’m not going to embarrass the both of us even more.”

“You could never embarrass me. I can manage just fine all by my lonesome in that regard,” I murmured with a pretty pale attempt at trying to lighten the mood. “As for the hug… don’t tell your cousin but if you want me to, I won’t move until the sun sets.” After a moment I felt him taking in a gulping breath before he gently pushed against my shoulders and stepped back:

“I’ll take you up on that. One day,” he replied, his voice again the gravelly bass I had come to know so well. “But not now. The lads would skin me alive if I kept yah to meself for much longer. Cassandra… Cassy, may the earth protect you and may the eternal flame always shine brightly for you and yours. Until we meet again. Hopefully to touch glasses above the corpse of the Emperor. Or at least go knocking on his door. With a mighty fine hammer.”

“I’ll see what I can do, even though… we might not have to wait that long. At least when it comes to seeing one another again.” Clumsily I tried to fumble one of the crystals Rachmahn had given me from my much too tight pockets. “Here. Please, take this. It’s a communication device Greta helped me create. It won’t fail, it won’t break and it’s tuned to my aura. If ever you need my help, use it. Or you could just call to chat. I know I will.” For a moment I thought I had said something offensive seeing as he froze on the spot, his eyes glued to the small, softly glowing gem.

“You enchanted it yourself,” he finally managed to ask.

“Of course. Otherwise I wouldn’t be sure that you’d be able to reach me, whatever the circumstances and I want you to. I meant what I said. Whatever happens, if you call, I’ll be there.” He mumbled something unintelligible under his breath before he wrapped his massive arms around me again and nearly lifted me off the ground. Struggling to breathe I heard him mutter:

“Thank you, lass. I’ll…”

“Allow the brew to get warm,” his cousin, Etosh, interrupted as he lumbered closer, even though his warm smile put the lie to his stern inflection. “Come along, you two. You’ve been gossiping for long enough. The lads want to say their goodbyes, too, ‘n we have enough mead left to turn this sad gathering into a proper farewell.” And that was pretty much the last coherent sentence I heard for quite a while.

Despite my affirmation that I wouldn’t indulge, I made the one mistake most people are very familiar with. Just one, I reasoned, it won’t matter. One became two, two turned into three tankards and before I knew it I was wearing my armour and balancing on a precariously thin beam of wood, my arms linked to Atosh’s heavy gauntlets, while we desperately tried to push the other off the windy contraption. Considering I was already having difficulties standing up straight I performed admirably well but still ended up with my face in the dirt while a veritable avalanche of cheers threatened to deafen me. I didn’t mind, I had never thought of myself as a sore loser, but when I realised that my mom, Reia and Sera stood at the very front and applauded most heartily I did feel slightly miffed. Combined with my intoxication the perceived slight resulted in another noteworthy show, when a tiny kitsune began chasing a mountain like dragoness through the air, screaming bloody murder.

To Sera’s credit she didn’t even flinch and played the part of the scared prey to perfection, but to this very day I can still clearly recall the rush of adrenaline when she suddenly whirled around and I found myself face to face with a maw, large enough to swallow my entire family whole. She didn’t bite, obviously, but the lesson I had learned before became ingrained even deeper. Never ever approach a dragon from the side where it has its teeth. Those things were dangerous, probably even to me. I didn’t know if my body could still be harmed, after all it was nothing more than another expression of my magic and with my life force firmly under my control I might have been able to simply wish my wounds to heal, but I sure as hell knew that I didn’t want to put it to the test. Especially since regenerating while slowly sliding down an oversized throat towards a stomach that could turn metal into nutritious saps seemed only slightly better than dying on the spot. Maybe even slightly worse. It was hard to tell.

To cut a long story short, my mom’s vision of an elaborate get together with speeches and dignified behaviour soon evolved into a fully fledged celebration without any regard for manners or formalities and I enjoyed it immensely. I even managed to push away the gloomy mood that threatened to overcome me, every time I thought about how much I’d have loved to share this moment with Ahri. In the end, we forgot our worries for a few hours and simply cherished the company of friends we wouldn’t be seeing for quite a while.

Most conversations I was a part of were lighthearted and, as much as they were important to us, without any real substance, except for four. Two of those aren’t worth repeating word for word, since I sat down with Richard and my brother, handing over the chest Mephisto had enchanted and listened to the first ideas they had hatched on how to go on. Important for sure but nothing I could influence or even evaluate properly, seeing as I hadn’t spent much time dealing with the budding structures in Free Land. Talking to Will and Vanya was pretty much more of the same and while I wanted to help them in any way I could my contributions boiled down to: talk to Mordred, he’s going to have to deal with this whole mess. The promised conversation with the Madame’s girls, on the other hand, was… revealing, at least to me, but you’re very welcome to form your own opinion.

After I had managed to weasel my way out of a rather tiring explanation on how Vanya and Will meant to organise the freelancers I meandered aimlessly from one group to the next until the sparkling reflections on a waterfall of golden hair caught my attention. A handful of pretty girls, Liz among them despite her falling out with the Madame, were surrounded by a gaggle of former slaves who were trying to engage them in a conversation. Even from the distance I could almost taste their reluctance to indulge the men but they didn’t quite manage to get rid of them with veiled innuendos alone. Greta’s words still ringing in my ears I made my way over and manifested my wings, entirely aware of how unsettling the glaring display still was for most of the population.

Sure enough, within minutes of my arrival the brazen bunch sounded the retreat and made themselves scarce, allowing me to lean back against a cherry tree and close my eyes for a few moments. My head stopped spinning and my senses came alive when the alcohol vanished from my blood. The unobtrusive smell of berries and vanilla tickled my nose and I relished the quiet while the girls settled in around me. One even came close enough to touch my legs when she slumped to the ground, a form of carefree acceptance I appreciated immensely.

“How are you holding up,” I finally mumbled without opening my eyes. They remained quiet until one of the older ones, relationally considering she wasn’t much older than twenty, replied:

“Well enough. It’s been…”

“Difficult?”

“Quiet, I meant to say quiet. With the Madame fretting over her future and most of the town still acting like an exploded anthill the Dream has been much more tame over the last days. It’s been… enjoyable, I’d say, but our savings are running dry.” I cracked open an eyelid and scrutinised her through my lashes. She was the tall, blue eyed blonde who had caught my attention. I was decently convinced the Madame had introduced her before but, for the life of me, I couldn’t recall her name. Amanda, maybe, or Lily. No, that was the petite one in the back.

“There are other ways to earn a few coins,” I stated haltingly. Greta wanted me to talk to them and I was decently convinced she hadn’t meant the weather. Since I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the conversation it’d be for the best to get it over with as quickly as possible. “If you wanted to, I’m sure I could talk to my brother. He’ll surely need every help he can get and considering the lot of you can read and write you won’t face many difficulties convincing him to take you on.” She chuckled softly in response and when I fully focused on her she raised her hands placatingly.

“Don’t take it the wrong way,” Liz explained in her stead, before the other girl could marshal the proper words, “but the Madame told them that they might be having this conversation with you.” I blinked in surprise but before I could voice my confusion she pressed on: “you aren’t overly comfortable with what we are, or rather were, in my case, are you?” I cocked an eyebrow.

“Me? Do I need to remind you of the last two conversations we had? You cried in my arms and then you slammed the door shut on your previous life. I’m not so sure I’m the one having a problem here.” Embarrassment and a hint of anger flickered across her face but before she managed a reply the blonde, let’s stick with Amanda for convenience’s sake, interrupted quietly:

“That’s not the same. The Madame sold her off. For Liz it was devastating and for us… revealing. But that’s not what this is about, is it? Tell me Cassandra, why do you think we need to be saved?” I snorted.

“A million reasons, the most glaring one probably that you’d all have died a few days ago without my intervention. But then again, that’s not what you want to hear, is it? The Madame has obviously briefed you in depth and I have a gnawing suspicion that the old bat colluded with my dear teacher as well. Two peas in a pot,” I added, more for myself than for them. “Fine. You know I’m an angel but you can’t know what it means. I’m tied… no, that’s not right. Over the years, and there are many more than you can even imagine, I’ve realised that the one thing that makes life worth living, that differentiates us from a rock or from an animal, is the freedom we have to walk our own path, to make our own mistakes… to die our own deaths. That’s what I value, what I fight for. In a way love is also an expression of freedom. The freedom to choose, the decision to commit. What you do… sleeping with strangers for a handful of coin…”

“You think it corrupts something pure, don’t you, for us as well as our customers,” Liz interjected. Damn it, I wouldn’t have been able to phrase it as precisely but she had hit the nail on the head. Corruptive. That was the point. I only nodded. She sighed and we fell into an awkward silence, each girl wrestling with their own thoughts.

“So you actually do think we are tainted, despite your asseverations,” she finally mumbled.

“No. Not really. During my last life… don’t look at me like that, of course I’ve worn other faces before, I was different. I wouldn’t even have spared your profession a second thought. Now, though… maybe it’s because I’m engaged, maybe it’s because I’m still young, but to me… you’re not only selling your bodies, you’re selling a part of who you are. That doesn’t sit right with me. Some decisions shouldn’t be made… look, to be perfectly honest, the thought of spreading my legs for a stranger is revolting to me, but that’s not the point. We all do what we have to. To me, the crux is that you’re selling something that… hells, maybe I’m naive, but you’re selling your future for your present. I’ve seen it before, on a different scale, and it never ends well.”