All The Time Lost

Thomas listened as his son excitedly recounted his day and spread out all the food June had sent him back with. His kids' favorite dishes were all there and because he knew she didn't have a penny to waste, it made it all the more special.

Lizzy came barging in the kitchen, looking so angry and disgusted he wanted to pick his princess up and hug her.

« Here, sis, taste that ! » His son obliviously offered.

Lizzy slapped his hand away, sending a piece of velvet cake flying before she started gathering the food and threw it in the trash.

« You're crazy ! Stop ! » Julian shouted and grabbed her hands to stop her. « You don't have to eat it if you don't want to ! »

« How can you eat that monster's food ? » She seethed.

« Liz, » Thomas walked up to separate the two.

« No dad ! That you even allow him to talk to her is awful but now he goes over ? Brings back food ? What's next ? She comes here ? »

He felt his heart tighten but his daughter needed all his attention now. He slid a strong arm around her shoulders and pulled her along after sending a sorry look to his son who looked heartbroken at his sister's words.

« Let's go for a walk, you need to breath, » he told her and his angry daughter hadn't changed since the time she used to throw tantrums in diapers, only spending calm time with her father helped.

They walked up to the lake that was a little over two kilometers from their house in silence. She started skipping stones while he waited for her to organize her thoughts.

« Why are you allowing it ? »

« Because she's your mother. »

« She also murdered someone and spent two decades behind bars. »

« Exactly, she had time to repent and we don't have any reason not to give her a chance now, » he picked up flat stones and handed them to her.

« She killed someone, » she insisted and angrily threw one in the water.

« I killed people too, » he reminded her.

« Stop, dad, » she sighed. « You were in the army. There's a context. »

« She was only seventeen, » he countered. « And there's a context too. »

« What ? Her being so crazy over you that she killed your girlfriend is an excuse ? » Lizzy scoffed.

« Not an excuse. Context, » he started making ricochet with her. « I'm not forcing you to meet her. I would never but I'm not going to allow you to disrespect your brother either. She's not a bad person, I know that and if your brother wants to build a relationship with her you have no right to intervene. »

« I'm sorry, » she muttered after a while.

« Let's apologize to your brother too, » he took her in his arms and led her back home.

Julian being the person he was easily forgave her and they didn't talk about it anymore.

Months went on like that.

Thomas was man enough to admit to himself that he was being selfish and unreasonable but he had to keep an eye on her. June had started working as a maid in a luxurious hotel where he often went to close deals and if he threatened HR a bit not to look to closely into her criminal record, it was also to make it easier for her to stay around. For their son. He felt his guts boil in anger as he watched her day after day, bike an hour and a half to head over and another hour and a half to come back on some patched up bike she had found in the dump.

One day, he got a message from the guy he put on patrol around the trailer park that she got back two hours later than usual and it seemed that her tire had exploded on the road. He brought a brand new bike, the most expensive he could find and set it up in the dump, warning the guardian not to touch it. It had been worth it to receive pictures of her beaming face as she rode back home with the brand new bike she had scavanged.

Julian was blossoming. He had never lacked anything and unlike Lizzy his teenage years were passing by peacefully but having his mother made him even happier and he saw his son maturing a bit more every time he spent with her. Lizzy still refused to meet her but June never gave up and kept inviting her over through Julian.

She still kept her distance from him and always maintained a large safety distance between them the few rare times he couldn't control himself and went over to check on her with the excuse of dropping Julian.

He watched her closely enough to discover she was eating out of the bins. Sawyer had to call reinforcement to hold him down the day he cracked into the security camera to understand what she did in those back alleys. He thought about confronting her but he couldn't bear to humiliate her anymore and he knew she did it to spoil Julian whenever he came over with her meagre salary. Instead, he threatened HR again so they'd either updates her salary or threw in food coupons. He still couldn't get over how happy she was the first time she used those at the supermarket. Yes, he had cracked into their surveillance network too.

Thomas wanted to throw her over his shoulder and bring her home to him. He wanted to shower her in gifts and spoil her rotten, he wanted to ease her suffering and make her enjoy life. She had paid her dues and there was no reason for her to keep on suffering.

Yet, four months later and she still trembled at the sight of him. He could never get used to her fearful, distrustful eyes.

As it was, he was going over to pick his son up after his first night over at the trailer. He prayed that it had gone well for both of them.

June looked heartbroken as she opened the door to greet him. She wore large joggings and a long-sleeved t-shirt he had watched her thrift around town. Her short hair were tied in a cute ponytail at the base of her head and her face was scrubbed clean. The house smelled like french toast and hot chocolate and Thomas wanted to invite himself in.

« Oh, you're a bit early, » she sounded so disappointed while he had done it on purpose to spend some time with her.

« Dad, we're still eating ! » His son shouted from inside.

« Sorry, I didn't Realize, » he lied and smiled as innocently as he could.

« Do you… want to come in ? » She offered sounding like she was heading to the electric chair.

« Sure, » he immediately accepted, knowing fully well fake politeness would give her an excuse to let him wait out. « Hey, kiddo, » he ruffled his son's hair in greeting. Julian was still wearing pyjamas which consisted of his shorts and sat bare chested over his food. « How late did you sleep ? »

« Old Joe challenged mom and they taught me poker, » Julian beamed at him. « I squeezed them dry. »

« We played with candies, » June hurried to justify herself. « And Joe drank coke. »

« Old Joe put his booze down ? » He tried to joke but it only made her tense further more.

« He needed to be serious, » Julian sensed his mother's discomfort and stepped in naturally. « But his clear head didn't help. Mom is even worse, she can't lie to save herself. »

Thomas only had eyes for June while she herself only had eyes for her son. Fuck she was beautiful.

« Please, take a sit, » she offered without looking at him.

« She didn't try to teach you Rami ? That's her favorite game, » he sat next to his son at the counter but followed June's petite form as she went back to the pancake she was cooking.

« She wiped my ass, » Julian chuckled and poured his father some orange juice in the glass June had added on the table.

They ate breakfast together. The food was delicious and Thomas loved the company despite her obvious discomfort. It still pained him how much she seemed to hate his presence but for once she bore with their closeness for Julian's sake.

« Where is Elizabeth ? » She asked timidly.

« She spent the night with my grandparents, » he answered kindly, noticing the pain she tried to hide in her eyes.

Breakfast was over too soon and Julian hurried to his room to dress leaving them alone. June immediately put as much distance as possible between them and he hated it with everything he was.

« I'll bring some over to Old Joe, » she grabbed a plate and almost ran out of the door, leaving him with a quickly darkening mood.

He hadn't spent that long in her presence in almost twenty years and yet he found himself growing addicted to it almost right away.

They met up in front of her door just as they were coming out and he both loved and hated seeing her embrace Julian. This was the selfish kind of love he had fought against.

« You had fun ? » He asked his son once they were driving away.

« So much, » Julian smiled. « Mom was so happy to have me stay over she prepared everything so I wouldn't get bored. »

« Good. »

« Do you think she did it ? » His son asked after a while.

« I think she paid enough, » Thomas answered but kept his eyes on the road.

« I think she didn't, » his son said in a serious tone.

« Jul- »

« No, I'm not asking you to believe me and what's done is done. I have no proof anyways, » he cut him off. « But after spending so much time with her… I think she didn't do it. »

« It was seventeen years ago, » Thomas gripped the wheel tight.

« Has she changed ? » Julian challenged.

« No, » Thomas admitted. Apart from her revulsion to him, she was pretty much the same. Only more mature. She was still kind, generous, timid and clumsy. She still did her best with what she got and never asked for more from anyone. « It's complicated. When…» Thomas forced himself to say it. « When she did it, she wasn't in her normal state, she was emotional and she panicked. »

His son didn't say anything else but Thomas knew he wasn't convinced by his arguments.

—

Sawyer smirked at him from across the room.

This was how they had started growing Cerberus. To turn the biker gang into something serious, they had to get their hands dirty and though Thomas still went on missions here and there because he was just that good and sometimes no one could replace him, Sawyer had long grown accustomed to leather chairs and ebony desks. No matter how good he was on the field, Sawyer was a bit too lazy to do anything himself if he could delegate.

And yet, he sometimes found himself dressed up and armed to the teeth just like now.

« Man, get over it. »

« Shut up, » Thomas took a shot and the bullet passed right next to his best friend's cheek to hit the target that had slid behind the pillar.

« No, really, I get that she's your first love and whatever shit, » Sawyer fought off one of the three men who jumped out at his left while Thomas took care of the five others.

« Shut up, » Thomas repeated and stabbed one enemy in the eye. At least, field missions got him to let out his frustration.

« You're already close to being a fucking monk but lately even your rare drunken hookup has disappeared, » Sawyer grunted as he took a kick in the rib. « You need to let it go, man. » Thomas didn't answer and ran into the center to fight head on the dozen armed mafiosi who still stood. « I don't think she'll change her mind. »

« Sawyer, » Thomas sat amongst the pile of corps an hour later while Sawyer cracked into the database they had been protecting.

« Hm ? »

« Do you know me ? »

« The fuck is that question ? »

« Do you fucking know me ? » He insisted and Sawyer stopped typing to look him in the eyes. « I'm never getting over her. »

There weren't many people who would dare to look at him with pity. Sawyer was one of them.