All the Stars are Against You

Swanky. The exam room is crazy advanced. I really feels like I'm in the command room of a Union starship.

There are holo screens all around me projecting constant visuals and information. Mechanicals are dressed up to act as crew members with holo systems to make them look like different species. Everything is sleek and high tech. The center chair has more gizmos on it than a two ton Swiss army knife. I guess that's my chair.

View is strange from the top. I've spent most of my career in a Captain's chair. Never felt like this. In a UH naval ship, I always felt frail. As if one stiff breeze would blow the whole house down. This feels different. I actually feel powerful, like my shots would do real damage and the smallest glancing blow in return wouldn't rip my vessel in half. Just a casual look at the sensor data tells a Space Bible's worth of info when I'm used to a business card's worth. Whatever ship this setup is based on, I would love to be on it for real.

"Beginning simulation. Scenario 8743."

Ok, show time. There was a user manual on the yacht. Did my best but I barely got through a fifth of it. Too dense, barely understood any of it. I'm just gonna have to wing it.

"Captain." Guess that guy is my First Officer. "We are detecting an unknown vessel. What are your orders?"

First contact scenario. Alright, I've done simulations like this before.

"I want the shields up but make sure all weapons are powered down. Send a binary hail of greetings. What do the scanners say about-"

"Captain! They are opening fire!"

Space Christ, they put this whole rig on an earthquake simulator or something. It rocked so hard I almost fell out of my chair.

"Captain, their weapon pierced straight through our shields. Decks seven through twelve are compromised."

So much for feeling powerful.

"I want hard to starboard followed by evasive maneuvers. Get those guns up to full power and fire as soon as they are. Shift the shield frequency and cycle through countermeasures until you find something that works. And get the Marines and Security teams ready in case we get b-"

"Boarding pods attaching. We have hostiles on ten decks. Including ours!"

"Lock the doors!"

The only door in or out of the Command center is closed. Followed by three additional layers of blast doors and an energy shield to boot. Would take an artillery strike to break through those doors.

"Sir, they are breaching the command center!"

As five meters of some metal composition I can't even pronounce is melted away, I am reminded an old Geckiotan proverb. "Life may be harsh, painful and unpleasant..." Yeah, I was waiting for the second part, too.

"Breach! Hostiles in the Command Cent-AAAAGH!"

There goes my Second in Command. The Mechanicals being used for this are three meters tall and jacked out. They're carrying guns big enough to be used by tanks. This is what they expect Expeditionary Captain's to deal with?

"Emergency protocol Alpha Space. Hold on tight!"

I punch a few buttons in one of the few codes I managed to memorize. Two holes open up, one in the ceiling and the other in the floor. Both vent directly into space. The holes are a bit small for our guests. Good thing the pressure gets them through. Even with sound muffled by the void creeping in I can hear the bending of their armor and cracking of their bones as they are thrust out in broken pieces to the cold of space.

The last one figured things out just in time. Latching onto the hole's exterior at the last second to prevent being sent into black nothingness. Against the strength of space itself, that thing slowly pulls its way back in. The auto turrets activate and start firing away, to no effect. I reach out to my controls, just barely managing to get a code typed up ending the Alpha Space. The door slams shut, with half the intruder on the other side of it.

"Helmsman, catch your breath later. I want a return to evasive maneuvers and I want it now. "

Can't let up. Still under attack.

"Tactical, set all tertiary arms to intercept boarding pods. Tell all officers they have permission to do anything they can to defeat the remaining boarding parties. And somebody get me a scan of that ship already!"

I'm on the backfoot and already lost half my bridge crew. This is going worse than I thought it would. And that vent, it felt like it actually went out into space. I was going to half ass this but now I'm afraid they are using real weapons here. I might actually die. 

"Scans indicate they are using hyper condensed dipolyminal particle destabilizing-"

"Stop telling me what it is and tell me if we have a counter."

"Reversing the shield polarity and maxing the gravity repulsors might work."

"Then do it. Keep evasion going. Not trusting a might."

"Captain, they are launching attack craft. And I'm detecting weapons lock, evasion won't work anymore."

Who's this guy? I forgot who does what. Doesn't matter, more crap heading my way.

"Set secondary weapons to wide spread and open fire on those craft. Reshuffle the Tertiaries to missile interception."

Space starts to look like a fireworks show where they shot an hour worth of rockets all at once. For a little while there are three times as many stars.

"Attack craft suffered thirty precent casualties and are retreating. A full salvo of missiles was repulsed."

Finally some good news. Let's see how they decide to fuck me next.

"Time for offense. Is the main gun ready to fire?"

"Plasma Particle cannons fully charged. Lock-on hasn't been achieved."

"Eyeball it. Fire at the first opportunity. Helmsman, do your best to line up a shot."

"Switching to manual controls. Distance eight thousand kilometers. Adjusting for maneuvers. Ready... steady... firing!"

Nothing happened. I was expecting a giant beam filling my screen. Or maybe a bunch of smaller shots in a huge burst. I don't know what a Plasma Particle Cannon looks like, but I'm damn sure they don't fire invisible bolts.

"Tactical, what happened?"

"The generator has been compromised. We are losing power on all decks."

"Tertiary armaments are down! Boarding pods reported in every sector!"

"We've got another lock. Full missile salvo incoming!"

"Direct hit. Shields overloaded. Multiple decks on fire. Secondary weapons are down!"

"Attack Craft incoming! Sensor systems damaged. We are flying blind!"

How can this get any worse?

"Captain, Officer T'thual is going into labor!"

That's how.

"Where is the Medical Officer?"

And they are all pointing at a corpse. I envy him.

"Helmsman, there was a nebula a few thousand kilometers from us. Head towards it. That's our only chance of evading their sensors."

"I don't know which way it is."

"Then pick a direction and hope for the best. Launch all craft, including the escape pods. Launch them empty. If they think people are trying to flee they will shoot them down. Might take some of the heat off us. And someone get me the medical kit. I need to deliver this baby."

I can feel the ship shift and accelerate in some random direction. I'm not supposed to. Inertia dampeners must be faltering. The rocking from the ship getting hit has lessened. Bloodthirsty bastards must have fell for the bait. Now, how do I deliver a... I just realized I have no idea what race this Mechanical is supposed to be. I don't even know how to deliver a human baby. What in the Space Hell am I doing?

"Ok, cervix is dilating. That's good, right?"

"No!"

And there goes all my medical knowledge.

"Ok, I need you to guide me because I have no idea what I'm doing here."

"Captain, we have more hostiles on the way to-"

"Get a rifle and shoot. Protect the Helmsman at all costs."

The room clears out as the bridge crew do their best to hold back the attackers. Won't be seeing any of them again.

"Now, what's the first step?'

"You need to close my cervix."

"And how do I do that?"

She's looking at me . She can't mean what I think.

"So... two fingers or..."

"Captain!"

"Alright, alright. Here goes."

And I am wrist deep into her. Why did they have to make this so realistic? The slime is dripping down my arm. It's warm and gooey.

"Captain! The line has failed. We have hostil-ACK!"

I grab the pistol off my belt and start shooting before the thing even rounds the corner. I'm left handed, and that hand is currently occupied, so I just unload until the bright flashes and buzzing sounds are replaced by empty clicks. Somehow that takes it down. Pure luck I'm guessing. And while it's bleeding out from a dozen holes, the hole in my other hand is sealed. Great. 

"Ok, I got it shut. Now what?"

"Suture gun."

I grab the suture gun out of the med kit. Thing can patch up all but the biggest cuts. Looks like a stapler from Space Hell.

"Alright. What do I need this for?"

Ask and you shall receive. Her belly bursts open. Half a dozen grubby little monsters crawl out of her guts. This is worse than the guy whose brains were blown out not a meter to my side. No time to puke, just got to move the grubs out of the way and close her up.

"Congratulations. It's... whatever. Helmsman! Nebula!"

"I can see it Captain. We are almost there."

The front viewscreen is cracked and full of static. But between the noise I can see it. We just need to limp along a little further.

"Captain, there's something in the way."

I squint. Their visages are small and far off into the distance, but I can just barely make them out. More ships, much like the one chasing us. Four, five, maybe more. Hard to say. Standing between us and our only safety.

"Helmsman, we need to-"

The ship rocks, explosions fill the room, the screens all go out at once. A huge, blinding flash and piercing ring fills the room. Then it stops. I'm left alone in the dark. Am I dead?

"Simulation Ended. Vessel lost with all hands."

Nope. Just failed. Well, that was more painful than I expected. Glad I'll never have to do that again. The lights turn on. Doors I didn't even realize were there open up. Small cleaning Mechanicals start picking up the mess. My short stint as an Expeditionary Captain is over. 

A Cosmos enters. Guess she's here to let me down gently. Can't wait to hear it babe. Lay it on me.

"Congratulation!"

That's not an I'm sorry. Please let the next words be I have the record for quickest failure.

"You have the best score of all our candidates. And by a large margin at that. Welcome to the Expeditionary Forces, Captain Tom."

.... Fuck.