Alfheimr Renaissance

"But you flat out told me you didn't want me as a sex partner, didn't want us to have sex, even though you said I was pretty. I hadn't really considered the possibility that you would say 'no' to sex with me, even though you already had several women. You - an older slightly overweight nerd - didn't want me as a sex partner. It wasn't the cheap trick of trying to pick up a girl by negging her in front of her friends. You honestly saw sex with me as a burden and complication you didn't want. I now know it kind of broke my self-image a bit that sex with me might be a burden - not a privilege and a reward I could bestow on someone. Like I instantly aged 30 years or was fat and ugly. You really only cared about my knowledge, craft and skills, and boosted my confidence in it being valuable here after a harsh acclimatisation, and have really proven it since. But I would never have gotten this far without your support. I hadn't even tried to get or make any kind of art supplies or use my skills or knowledge. I did common chores that anyone could do, and they where better at it. All those weeks in Hildifjoer and I never even tried! All my talk about being a strong independent confident modern woman with a career, and I failed badly when it got hard. I almost made myself into what I've ridiculed, or much worse. You forced me to prove myself and adapt, and it gave me confidence in myself too. You have since boosted my confidence even more with things like the music and notebook, saddles and so on. Useful valuable knowledge I had, but probably wouldn't think about introducing here. Or going through the effort to actually use."

She seem a bit proud of what she have accomplished, as well as being disappointed.

"I realised that you truly didn't see them as trophies; 'ooh, look at all my young pretty girlfriends'. You really didn't care about showing them off, and you still don't. When you walk with them arm in arm you're not showing them off. They're showing you off, and you have just accepted that it needs to be done for their status and protection. You avoid public attention. You prefer walking in the woods and empty parts of these islands with a minimum of guards. You practically hide in the carriage, instead of enjoy feeling like a lord. You would rather go out of your way to find a small lake or cove to relax in private, instead of walking in front of everyone with your gorgeous young girlfriend on the main beach. You dressed them up and gave them jewellery and the valuable knifes, because in your eyes they deserved it; they should have pretty things, and others should know they're special persons worthy of their attention no matter their background. It didn't matter to you if they used the gifts or showed it off, but they should have it. You only really cared about them as persons. As friends and close partners. You care more about them than yourself.

A couple of months ago, when you told me how you sat down and face to face in private broke it off with your last girlfriend, because she deserved someone better than you - you really meant it. It wasn't just a bad excuse. You had thought long and hard about your future together. You knew what she wanted in life and that you couldn't give it to her, and took the hard logical decision - even though you missed her for years and still wonder how her life turned out and if she's happy. I saw you starting to tear up and how you became lost in those thoughts, even after a decade and you being trapped in a medieval world. You had made sure that it was in private and that there wasn't anything important for the next week, so she had time to deal with it, and I believe that you tried to console her and really tried to shift all the blame to you, just to make it easier for her.

Oh, bloody hell!

We're in private. With plenty of time. You even prepared a damn handkerchief. You are trying to console me, when it really is my bloody fault and you really don't care that I hurt you. Because you care about me more than yourself. It's you who don't deserve me."

Jane just cries and I let her while hugging her. I'm getting teary too, which makes me contemplate why. It's probably how sad and depressed she is. I just can't help my tears. Empathy and compassion are a hell of a combination. Through the tears and sobs, Jane continues to speak:

"What really affected me was that you cared so much about Ciara. I'm happy she wouldn't tell me details of her life as a slave, because Alith have asked her to only tell her, so Ciara won't give someone else nightmares. Alith is brought up in this harsh world, so I really don't want to know. But Ciara slipped up by saying things like how she was tempted to commit suicide so many times, even though she really believed it's a sin which would send her straight to Hell. She had a knife and was about to slit her throat in the dark, welcoming Hell, when she realised that her Hell would be the same, only more of it - for eternity. By continuing living through Hell here until she died, she had a small chance to reach heaven, and the Gods were happy she past their test and Iselin was their helping angel who brought her to you. Her saviour. She have a weird belief now. There is no Heaven or Hell for her, only endless darkness with you as the only light and warmth which she will follow anywhere. It's not just words. Ciara believes it. A week or so after we meet, I was talking with Iselin as I sketching her, and I made another very stupid comment. So she told me how you treated Ciara from the start when most wouldn't even look at her. Men and women. Most wouldn't touch Ciara because she was a slave that looked and smelled horrible, and those who did would be rough with her - but not you. Your compassion and empathy struck the instant you were told and you felt responsible for her. A private bathroom with a servant. New fine cloths. A bag she could mark with her name, and her own food, soap, comb and a knife. They later understood that you didn't touch Ciara, because you didn't want to scare her - because you cared. You whistled to let her know you where getting close so you didn't spook her. You still do that occasionally, and only with Ciara. You respected and gave Ciara safety from a distance. You got female guards because she stung herself on a needle, and you told them to protect her, and made sure they got her real name right. The first time you really touched Ciara was a hug when she cried, because you wanted to comfort her. You asked if you could give her a hug to comfort her, because she should have a shoulder to cry on and not feel alone. I really started to crave to be that cared for. Not just lusted after, but to feel that care. Feel that fierce protectiveness and safety. For me! Not my looks, money or friends. Just me! I had it - and now I will loose it - by my own stupidity."

Jane just talks and vents. Saying something out loud can sometimes help you accept that, especially if you say it out loud to someone close. I deliberately haven't asked Ciara exactly what she experienced, because I don't know if I can hear it. Ciara knows that if she wants to tell me or talk to someone, I want to hear it. But Ciara doesn't care to tell, because it was her past life and it is unimportant. On the other things, Jane isn't correct although close enough, but I haven't bothered to analyse some things. And she is unfortunately right about her goal, and her action. Jane continues before I can think of an answer, but I wouldn't have had anything meaningful to say anyway.

"As you said way back in the garden; you only choose Iselin. You only really loved Iselin, and you love her deeply. The others choose you, but now you love them too. I wanted to be special too. I wanted you to chose me too even if it wasn't love. With you, at least it wouldn't be fake love. When you told me about how far you might go if someone deliberately hurt Iselin - which is not healthy and more than a bit scary - it only made me want you more. I want to know that someone would go that far for me. To care and need me and value me that much. Not thrown away or ignored, but avenged with vengeance. You give them so much freedom, trust and love, but you might unleash the fury of a God if someone hurt them. The Queen gave me the impression that she and the King is worried that someone might hurt them, and the kingdom becomes collateral damage in your rampage. And they might be right. It if had been Iselin, Kari or Ciara that was drugged by Radgeirrson, you wouldn't have let him off with becoming a slave. He would have been made an example off. Something legendary. But when it was you that almost died - you didn't really care what punishment he got. But only him. Not his family.

Like that duel: Yes, he might have killed you, but as soon as they were on the line and threatened and he didn't back down? Fate. Sealed. No half measures. No holding back. No stupid trying to wound to get first blood. Just limiting collateral damage. Center body mass. Boom! Dead with half his back missing. Threat permanently neutralised and a lesson to others. Then you grieved over what you had to do. What you had become. Your lost innocence. But you didn't hesitate to deal with the threat to them. And still, if they asked you to let them go, even so they could be with another man? You would. Even your wife Iselin. Especially Iselin. You would probably make sure she would be okay. Hell, you already have with the gold and land you gave her. You actually really have. Fook. It would absolutely shatter your heart with sadness and feeling deeply hurt, but you probably wouldn't even raise your voice or ask them to reconsider. You would 'accept reality, learn and move on'." Jane looks up at me, but I'm need to focus on holding back tears from that unpleasant thought. "I wanted you to be that caring, protective and possessive about me. Me! Ooh... Bloody hell! You're tearing up from just the thought of Iselin not wanting to be with you! I'm so sorry Robert! So so sorry!"

It's hard trying to collect myself, especially as Jane hugs me. I clear my throat and I wipe my eyes, I don't like that my voice sounds broken and strained; "It's not really that clear cut or easy. You're just seeing the parts you want, from the angle you want. I'm no hero in shining armor and a bit of a selfish assho..."

Jane's hand over my mouth shuts me up and she looks angry!

"Shut up!! On the 'selfish arsehole scale' you rate low! Trust me on that! I sadly know plenty of people that rate higher on that scale, which I also sadly used to call 'friends'! I am far higher on that scale than you! Let. Me. Finish. I know your faults! You can be inconsiderate; inattentive; careless; lazy; and stubborn. But there isn't any malice in it. You just don't see it, think about it or is unmotivated, but you learn and your good sides more than compensate. I know you're no knight in shining armour, because you're shinyness is in your heart and mind, not something you wear on the outside to impress others. I guess it says something about me, that it would be easier to admit falling for you so damn hard if you were! You're so far from everyone I ever looked at or tried to get together with, that it is weird. Still, I just don't care about your age, looks, body shape or dick size, and you're the first man that applies to! Don't give me that face! I'm being honest here!

Something about the fact that you pretty much can have any woman here is just weird, but at the same time sexy, which is weirder. It shouldn't be, since I don't have their upbringing. But I really like that you're still a good enough man to not abuse it, especially in this world with pretty much the opposite religious or social pressure. In this world, lowly free women maids are expected to be used for casual sex, if they want to keep their job to a Lord. You were given good looking exotic young slaves for this exact purpose, or as permanent bed company, and instead you offered them to become free women and told them to not have sex with you, and that you wouldn't allow anyone to mistreat them. But you spoil them too, treat them very nice and they hear others talking. Elvira carefully asked Iselin and Kari, if the stag night meant that even she could have sex with you. That it was okay. That you or them wouldn't be insulted.

In this world with it's laws and norms, and the power, influence, religious status and money you have, you can pressure just about any woman to sex - if she doesn't throw herself at you - and you know it, and it scares you. And that's not using legal means to forcefully take someone's land, house and women. You know you could even seduce a woman with poems, lyrics and gifts, just so that she wouldn't get any blame by society, and most fathers or husbands would probably use Sejdmann as a religious excuse, just so they wouldn't be forced to come after you and die. You truly believe that power corrupts, and avoid using any power - especially involving attraction and sex. That's a limit you really don't want to nudge, and I pains me knowing that I have forced your limits way more than you. Because I am that stupid and mean.

What have given me sleepless nights and also pains me, is realising that if our roles where reversed? I would have abused that power. I just wonder if I even would have thought it wrong. I've used my looks and status so many times in the past. I could use it - so I did. I felt I had the right to, was entitled to use it and it worked, and men where weak creatures - especially nerds. I was a noble using status, attraction and allure of sex to get what I wanted, and it really was the social norms that stopped me from being a real monster. Reverse roles here, and I would probably be a horrible monster. I was no better than Tom and would probably have been worse. I based my assumption about you before that first meeting on preconceptions and on what he did and would do, never realising that I would have been so much worse, because when I did it? It was just and right. Talk about being a hypocritical bitch! Even when your reputation was so very unjust and I was that stupid ... I shouldn't have reacted like that when we first talked."

I have no answer to that, but I am quite impressed with how she seems to have reflected on her past life and behaviour. It must have been really hard to start seeing herself that way, and I can only guess how it changed her view of things and events.

"You - who didn't even have a girlfriend at home in Midgård and hadn't had a woman in years - asked a willing lovely naked young Lova to leave your room, even when she was pressing her naked body against you and were fondling you, and I can only imagine how difficult that was. Just because she might have been pressured into being there. You didn't even ask her, because she might have lied. That and other actions should have told me about the real you, not what other people thought with their worldview. But I didn't see that, because I only saw what I wanted to see. I now get why you gave them a little gold. You were grateful, and you had the means to make their life a little better - so you went out of your way and did. No-one here even knew those letters included gold. Iselin really did have to talk you into sex, and you where obviously already in love with her, not caring one iota about her past or status. Ciara told me how Iselin sneakily crawled into your bed like a cat when you slept, and you still didn't allow it to become more. I really like that. I get why Ciara thinks you're the only real man here, and in a way, I sort of agree with her."

I try to show my support when she opens her heart by hugging her a little extra, but I feel so uncomfortable about the high pedestal she has put me on, because I'm not nearly as good or pure as she seems to think, and it is hard to hear her feelings for me. Because it seems real.