Accountant Isekai

So, there I was, staring down a dragon. It made elephants look like small, convertible cars with their tops down. I could feel the heat of its breath, see the poisonous blood well up from the gash in its leg, and see the massive pile of gold it was sitting on tremble with its every move.

“Humans dare enter my lair?” the dragon’s serpentine eyes fixed on me. “More fools who seek my treasure.”

“That’s right, I seek your treasure,” I admitted. “Because I can use that to help you get more treasure.”

“Get more treasure?”

I said, “Yes! O’ great dragon, with your wealth, honor, and strength, we can start the world’s biggest insurance company!”

Let’s back up. I wasn’t always in a fantasy world with dragons and magic. No, I was born in a world with skyscrapers, cars, and tax software.

I was an accountant fresh out of college. I had a mundane life. Every morning, I’d get up and do stretches. Then I’d have a breakfast of orange juice, bread soaked in wine, cooked snails, and deep-fried frog legs. My work was close to home, so I’d jog there every day to keep in shape. I made sure to only put on my shoes after I got to work so I’d toughen up my feet. I carried my shoes on my ears while jogging. After work, I’d run back home and eat pasta with octopus ink while playing video games. On the weekends, I’d practice 17th-century rapier fencing and write blog posts about how much I hate the government and wish that I had a replica guillotine.

Then something happened that changed everything.

I died.

It came out of nowhere. Literally. The sky was clear, and I was struck by a bolt of lightning. But I lived.

Then another bolt of lightning hit me.

I found myself in a white void. There was no ground under me, but I was somehow still standing. Then a chair appeared in front of me. A man materialized in it.

He looked like a male human. Not any particular male human from any group of humans, but a male human. To be specific, he looked like he could pass as any type of human. If you put him in France, he’d be a particularly tanned white guy. In Africa, they’d think he was black and just fairly light-skinned. I could say the same about every other part of the world. No matter where this man was, he’d never look out of place.

I couldn't move, couldn't speak. Shock had overcome me completely. What was this white void? Where was I? What the hell was going on?

"Take deep breaths," the man instructed.

I did as he told me to. Calming down a little bit, I was able to look around. The chair was the only landmark. Nothing else was in...wherever this was.

"What happened?" I wondered.

"Don't freak out when I say this," the man said. "You died."

I stumbled around, my head feeling light. My breaths became frantic. Sweat poured down my brow. This was horrible! I died, I was dead, and I...I..I didn't even know where to start. Countless emotions blasted through my head.

Then, the man put his hand on my shoulder. A sense of calmness came over me. Then, a chair materialized behind me.

"Take a seat," he said.

I sat down, still trembling a little bit.

“Is this hell?” I asked.

The man answered, “No. It's not even an afterlife. Think of it as a transitional place.”

“That’s good,” I said. “It means I won’t suffer eternally because of my mundane religion. I mean, I’m a pagan worshipper of Ashur, and a lot of gods wouldn’t want me to worship him.”

Thank Ashur, I wasn't in Hell or Tartarus or some other horrible afterlife. The thought of going to a place like that or being stuck in this white void for eternity terrified me. At least I knew that I’d end up in some not-as-bad place or eternal paradise.

The man laughed. “I expected you to say that, but thinking worshipping the head god of Assyria is mundane is a bit extreme, don’t you think?”

“How can mundane be extreme? That makes no sense," I scratched the back of my head.

“Never mind that and allow me to introduce myself," the man gave me a reassuring smile. "My name is Dʰéǵʰom.”

I noted, “I heard you say that, but I still have no idea how to pronounce it.”

He shrugged, “I don’t care if your pronunciation is shit. I’m the god of humanity, so I accept you for what you are.”

“Hmmm…you say you’re a god, but can you prove it? For all I know, you could be a demon in disguise,” I replied.

“What can I do to prove it to you?” Dʰéǵʰom asked.

I answered, “Turn the sky purple.”

“Are you some kind of idiot?” he facepalmed. “I’m the god of humans, not the god of the sky.”

“You’re the only idiot here,” I stated. “If you’re the god of humans, you can make it so that my eyes see the sky as purple.”

Dʰéǵʰom placed his hand on his chin. Perplexion crossed his face.

He admitted, “That’s a pretty good point. I should have done that.”

“Okay, I believe you’re the god of humans. You’re acting more like a human than a god right now. Besides, a demon would be better at tricking me than you are.”

“I don't know if I should be insulted or not right now. I’ll just cut to the chase. Do you know why you’re here?” he asked as he leaned forward, looking right in my eyes.

“You told me. I died,” I answered.

“And…” Dʰéǵʰom’s face turned serious. “Do you know why you died?”

“A lightning bolt hit me.”

“Yes, but why do you think the lightning bolt hit you?”

I pointed one of my fingers in the air.

I explained, “A bunch of electrons gathered in the clouds and were attracted to protons on the ground.”

Dʰéǵʰom said, “A fair answer, but it’s wrong. The truth is that you were assassinated.”

Fear pulsed through me. My hands and feet shook. I took a deep breath to compose myself.

“This is about my Ashur worship, isn’t it?” I sighed.

The god before me shook his head, his expression even more serious.

“No. You see, you possess a power called Godslayer. If you attack a god with killing intent, that god will die. The attack doesn’t matter. You could slap a god with a rubber chicken or throw a paper airplane at them, and they’d still die. All that matters is the killing intent.”

My eyes widened in shock, “Then I’m a godslaying badass?”

Excitement blasted through me. This was awesome! I was going to kick ten kinds of ass!

“Not in the slightest. Aside from having Godslayer, you’re still a normal human,” Dʰéǵʰom then reconsidered his words. “Well, not a normal human, but not exactly a badass.”

“I am a normal human. My life is mundane.”

I folded my arms.

“Didn’t you ride a pogo stick to your college classes?”

“Yes,” I said.

Dʰéǵʰom smiled, despite his seriousness, “Well, I have an offer for you. Instead of going to the other side, I can reincarnate you with all your memories. You’ll have a second chance at life and keep Godslayer.”

“Why would a god want to keep someone who can kill gods around?” I asked.

“Because I’m worried about humanity’s future,” he answered.

Dʰéǵʰom stood up. He circled around me as he spoke.

“The other gods go around, complaining about how sinful humans are. They don’t judge orcas, house cats, dolphins, chimpanzees, and other animals who are as bad or even worse than humans for being sinful. It's just you guys. And they don’t take into account that they were the ones who made you this way.”

“Then we humans weren’t created in the image of gods, after all?”

“Of course, you were. That’s why you’re a bunch of assholes,” Dʰéǵʰom stated.

He then groaned.

“Most gods are self-righteous hypocrites. Zeus is a mass rapist, Anansi steals things from innocent people, Enlil committed genocide because his followers were making too much noise, Ishtar punishes people for rejecting her advances, and I could go on and on. The fact is that they’re a bunch of assholes who judge humans for doing things they themselves do. Now that you humans are doing to the planet what the gods did to it during the Titanomachy and Great Flood, they’re really looking down on you. Most of them don't care that you didn’t even realize the damage you were doing until recently. They also don't care that you're trying to fix it.”

I said, “What a bunch of assholes.”

“A few gods are still backing humanity, like the Aesir, Ashur, Ares, Athena, Hermes, Heracles, Amaterasu, Inari, Quetzalcoatl, Ishtar, Sun Wukong, the Jade Emperor, Ganesha, the god of orcas, Jesus, Vishnu, and a few other guys. The war gods are generally on humanity’s side,” Dʰéǵʰom explained. “But you’re our nuclear bomb. As long as we have someone with Godslayer who’s alive, the other gods won’t dare make a move on humanity. So, we’ll reincarnate you.”

“Won’t some god just lightning bolt me again?” I asked, concern crossing my face.

“Now that you know that they exist and about Godslayer, they won’t risk it.”

“Can you reincarnate me into a different world?” I requested. “My world’s nice and all, but I’d rather have something different than my mundane life.”

“Sure thing,” Dʰéǵʰom said. “You’ll get more powerful in other worlds anyway. I’ll even send you to a world that’s suited for you.”