Accountant Isekai

The sound of sea waves crashing against the shore filled my ears. There was a scent of salt in my nose. Cries of seabirds came from overhead, and I felt course sand at my feet.

I was in swim trunks. Dr. Minos was next to me. Despite his privates being covered by a layer of fur, he was also wearing swim trunks. Johannes was in that type of clothing too.

Joanna and Astrid were with us too. The two of them were wearing bikinis. I felt a headache coming on as I rubbed my forehead.

"How the hell did we end up in a beach episode?" I groaned.

A while before then, I was walking through a very fancy building in Paola Zenia, contemplating how expensive riding a dragon was. Most commoners would never get to do it. Then, I was approached by one of the Greenrivers nobles. He was a tall, fat man with a mustache.

"Ah, Sir Saint Gustav, Lord von Blitzburg," he took a bow. "I am Duke Philip Rolando, pleased to meet you."

"I am honored to meet you too," I replied with a bow of my own.

Duke Philip looked around, scanning the area for anyone who might be listening in. Then, he leaned into me and whispered.

"Tell me, Saint Gustav, what do you think of commoners and Motteburh?" Philip asked.

"Alright, time to trick this guy," I thought before speaking. "Commoners should obey their betters and Motteburh is the ideal society."

Vomit welled up in my body. I clamped my mouth shut as hard as I could, feeling a disgusting roll of digested food force its way up my throat. Philip smiled.

"Fantastic! Now, perhaps we can work together? Tell me, what do you think of the idea of Greenrivers becoming just like Motteburh?" he asked.

Rather than saying anything, I pointed at the air above. That was the signal. The moment Duke Philip looked up, one of King Eduard the Defenestrator's assassins leaped down with a sword in hand. Philip's body was split in two. One half fell to the left and the other to the right.

I let my mouth open and threw up on the ground.

The assassin, a short man with a perpetual frown, inclined his head to me.

"Saint Gustav, I apologize for the grisly sight," he said.

"It's not that," I replied. "I could barely stand to say that Motteburh is the ideal society."

I threw up again. Then, I looked at the mutilated corpse before me and vomited a third time.

"Do not worry, Saint Gustav. I will clean up the vomit and the corpse," the assassin assured me. "Before anyone notices."

Looking up at him, I sighed.

"Thank you," I said.

"And it's cleaned up," the assassin stated.

I blinked in shock.

"What?"

"It's cleaned up," he said.

I looked down. The body and the vomit were gone. My amazed expression locked on the assassin once more.

"Hey, I said I'd clean it up before anyone notices. And you are part of anyone," he explained.

"How?" I asked.

"Magic," the assassin answered.

I nodded.

"Well, that was fucking obvious," I thought.

"It sure was," Dʰéǵʰom said.

The assassin jumped back onto the ceiling. I kept walking through the building. My retainers were busy training in the courtyard so I could lure people who wanted to talk to me alone over.

That's when I saw a group of people talking in a corner. They were all wearing fancy clothes with jewels, but very few of them were dressed like Greenriverdens. And, among them all, there was one man that I recognized right away.

His eyes flickered over to me and he gave me a nod.

"Ah, Saint Gustav, I see that you have arrived," he said.

"Hey, Drac. I didn't know you'd go to the same city-state I did," I waved.

Everyone except Dalv Sepet's jaws dropped in shock.

"Drac?" one of the nobles asked.

"What kind of name is that?" a merchant questioned. "And who would ever address Dalv Sepet so casually?"

"Not even another saint called him something like Drac," another noble said.

"That's Saint Gustav he's talking to!" a Greenrivers noble spoke up. "He's a dragontamer, a living legend!"

A sigh escaped my mouth.

"I'm really not," I said.

"And modest too!" the Greenrivers noble stated.

Dalv Sepet groaned and waved the nobles away.

"I wish to speak to Gustav," he told them.

The others left the room. Soon, it was just Dalv, me, a woman, and the assassin clinging to the ceiling present. Dalv pointed into the air.

"Gustav, are you aware that there's an assassin following you around?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered. "He's working with me."

"Ah, I see," Dalv nodded. "Gustav, allow me to introduce you to my wife, Trish. Normally, she would manage Weltai while I'm away. But we just managed to remove the traitorous boyars. So, she can join me on this trip."

"It is an honor to finally meet you, Saint Gustav," she said with a curtsy.

I gave her a bow.

"The honor is all mine, Lady Trish. Are you a vampire like Drac?" I asked.

"No, I'm a spellcaster," she answered. "I'm also younger. I turned 237 a few months ago."

"And Drac is over 500," I noted. "I take it this wasn't a political marriage?"

Dalv waved it off.

"For nobles like us, even love matches have a political nature to them. I would never be able to marry a common woman. A count's son and knight like you might be able to get away with it, Saint Gustav, but she'd have to be another saint," he said.

"The only woman who's interested in me is a princess, and I'm pretty sure King Eduard won't let me marry her," I replied. "Anyway, do you have any news about Dimitri, Drac? The son of Boyard Vladislav."

Dalv nodded.

"Yes. The last thing I heard from him, your parents contacted him for some sort of investment deal on your instructions," he said.

Then, Trish clapped her hands together.

"I understand! You're calling Dalv Drac because he used the title Dracula in his past life!" she stated.

"Yes. That is why. That is the only reason why," I did not want to be the one to tell Vlad Tepes about Bram Stoker's novel. "Anyway, moving on from that, I see you told your wife about the reincarnation, Dalv."

He nodded.

"I have. Have you told anyone?" Dalv asked.

"I told my retainers," I answered.

The Voivode raised an eyebrow.

"You haven't told your parents?" he questioned.

"Of course, not. That would be too embarrassing," I replied. "I mean, it'd be like telling my parents every intimate detail about the first time I had sex."

Dalv seemed taken aback.

"That...is an odd way to put it," he said.

"So, you're willing to tell your retainers about your sex life, but not your parents?" Trish questioned. "I mean, my mother gave me tips and everything when I told her."

"I am going to pretend I never heard that," I stated.

"How else are you going to learn how to..." she started.

Immediately, I turned to Dalv and spoke very loudly.

"So, Drac, you ready for the saint meeting?"

"Of course. I expect its pull to get stronger soon," he said. "But it is not time yet. Notice how you've felt the pull less ever since you arrived here?"

I rubbed the back of my head.

"It wasn't exactly that soon, but I haven't felt it all that much recently," I stated.

"That is because we are close to the meeting spot. If the pull continuously drew us there, the meeting would happen sooner than the equinox," Dalv explained.

I nodded.

"So, we basically have a few days before we have to move closer to it?" I asked.

"That is a good way of summarizing it," Dalv answered.

"This pull is weird," I thought.

"It was made by the gods and isn't some natural force," Dʰéǵʰom explained. "It pretty much works however us gods want it to."

Dalv then smiled.

"So, Gustav, aside from whatever business you have with the assassin on the ceiling, you should feel free to relax," he said.

"And aside from the meetings King Eduard, Queen Eleanor, and Hildoara call me to," I thought before speaking. "Thank you, Drac. I'll try to relax. Maybe I'll walk around town or something?"

Dalv nodded.

"That is one option. Another is going to the beach. My wife and I went there earlier. It is a fine place," he stated.

"No! No! No! We are not having a beach episode!" I thought.

"Thanks for the suggestion, but I will have to decline. After all, I do not want to walk around naked," I said.

"You don't have to worry about that," Trish assured me. "About 10 years ago, one of the gods taught his saint how to make beach clothing called bikinis and swim trunks. They're very popular down here."

"Yes. No one has to swim naked anymore," Dalv stated.

A creepy smile crossed my face as fury welled up in my body.

"Oh, they don't, do they?" I spoke before thinking. "Dʰéǵʰom!"

"What?" the god asked.

"This was all your plan, wasn't it?"

Dalv and Trish shared an expression of concern. Then, Dalv turned his gaze to me.

"Gustav, are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm perfectly fine," I answered, my eye twitching.

"I don't know how terrifying you think you look right now, but it's not as terrifying as you actually look," Dʰéǵʰom said.

At that moment, I wished I could give him a glare.

"Oh, please! I know that this was all part of your plan to see my wet nurse in a bikini! You must have conspired with the sea god and Krewh!"

"Perhaps you should relax, Gustav?" Dalv suggested.

"I am relaxed," I lied.

Dʰéǵʰom sighed.

"You probably should relax, Gustav. You're scaring Vlad the Impaler," he said.

"Swim trunks were invented in the 1930s! Bikinis were invented in the 1940s! Swimwear existed before then, but swim trunks and bikinis are very specific terms! And I'm the only saint who should know those terms, so this must have been a god's doing! And you're the only one I know who'd have a motive!"

"There are lots of other gods you haven't met," Dʰéǵʰom pointed out. "And this could be part of one of Krewh's plans."

I turned my attention to Dalv.

"Is Krewh behind this?" I asked.

"Behind what?" he questioned.

"Swim trunks and bikinis," I explained. "Those weren't invented in my world until long after every reincarnated saint except me died. And they are far more modern than other swimsuits. If the god of the sea acted alone, he probably just wanted to see people in bikinis."

A look of shock and confusion crossed Trish's face. Dalv nodded.

"I see that your insanity was not a one-time thing," the latter said.

"So, he's always like this?" Trish questioned.

"To some extent, yes," Dalv stated.

I huffed.

"I'm not insane. I'm perfectly normal," I said.

"You're treating a god introducing swimwear as if it's some sort of grand conspiracy," Trish stated. "Maybe he just got tired of people exposing their bodies?"

Dalv pondered.

"I can understand why you're upset about this. A boy your age probably wants to see naked women," he said.

"It's not that," I replied. "I'm traveling with my wet nurse. I do not want to see her in anything other than full clothing."

Dalv nodded, understanding in his eyes.

"Ah, yes. You're one of those people who have a familial relationship with your wet nurse," he stated.

"Yes. I am," I replied.

"Well, you do not have to go to the beach if you don't want to," Dalv shrugged. "It was just a recommendation."

That's when my crystal ball started buzzing. I pulled it out. The call was from Prince Wisimir.

"Hold on a second. I have to take this," I said.

"Of course," Dalv nodded.

I answered the crystal ball.

"Greetings, Your Highness," I said.

"Hello, Saint Gustav," Prince Wisimir replied. "I was just looking at recent Southern City State fashion trends, and I noticed their new swim wear."

...fuck.

"I was thinking that maybe my sister would like to see you in swim trunks..." Prince Wisimir continued.

FUUUUUUUCK!

"Dammit all! Fuck fuck fuck!" I thought before speaking. "Is this a request?"

"No. It's an order," Prince Wisimir said.

And here I was, thinking that I could avoid a beach episode. But it seems that the hands of fate, and a prince who's trying to help his sister get laid, have other ideas.